Beyond the Bedroom: Hacking Your Erotic Blueprint | 1112 | Dave Asprey

You're listening to the Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey. You're listening to the Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey. Today's episode is one where I'm going to use all sorts of words that might mean other things to make sure that our AI overlords are pleased within their bleep cership algorithms so that everything that I say on the show doesn't get suppressed. Because we're going to talk about the fourth F word. If you're a longtime listener, or maybe not, there are four things that run your biology in order before you have a chance to think. And it goes like this. Is it scary? If so, run away from killer hide. That's fear. Second thing is, can I eat it? If so, eat all of it. That would be food. The next F word. If it's not scary and I can't eat it, what else could I do to it that would keep this species alive forever? It's also an F word. Can you guys think of what it is? Oh, no, it's not the one you thought of. It's fertility. But, yeah, it's the other one, too. And we're going to not talk about sort of the more, geez, how do I say things without saying them? In the world that we live in today, where you're not allowed to just talk freely on podcasts, but basically it's just not the raunchy version of it, but the spiritual side of it. And then there's, of course, the final one, which is friend, which is how do we form a community? And things like that. So we're going to talk about that third F word, but we're going to talk about the fact that you have a blueprint. Everyone does. And that there are five erotic types that you can turn on and you can fulfill. And you probably have one dominant type, and as I said, dominant. Our guest today, I saw her smile. She's been on the stage at the biohacking conference and is truly a leader in the field of what I'm going to call somatic sexology, for lack of a better word, but the felt sense of what happens in intimate relationships. And Jaya is hilarious. She's very, very well studied. And we're going to talk about your erotic blueprint, which is something she has invented and something that I found to be very, very useful and valuable in my own life as a guy who's dating Jaya. Welcome.

It's such a pleasure to be here. I'm so curious about all these things that are so hard to talk about because that is my life.

Exactly. I've definitely had a few interviews that were a little spicy.

And.

And, you know, this isn't like, in a titillating way. This is just, hey, like, let's talk about what people actually do, including a guy who did the largest survey ever of what people fantasize about. And you found some really interesting things there. And I look at. At. At sex and intimacy as a form of nourishment. As important as food. As important. Right. But it's not taught that way. It's almost like you should be ashamed of eating, so you only eat kale, and you should be ashamed of sex, so you, I guess, only watch porn. I don't even know how the world is supposed work with. It Feels like that's the direction it's going. Why are people so weirded out by this stuff?

I think we're weirded out about sex because it's. It is like you mentioned a topic we can't even talk about, and then we have to use strange words to talk about it. I don't know about you, but when you were little, you know, it's like, oh, don't do the. Down there. Don't touch the thing. And there's like some weird word. So we can't even talk about the topic. And then when we can't talk about something, it goes underground. And then we develop shame around the topic. And we've got whole institutions, institutions that create shame around it. And I actually think, you know, it's kind of like Alan Watts when he talked about the taboo of knowing who you are. I feel like there's these taboo things. And the taboo things often lead to our own empowerment and health and wellness. And we put things that lead to our own personal awakenings in the places that we've deemed taboo. And so we build whole structures and systems around them and say, you can't do this thing. And it is so odd to me because it's like, okay, you want to learn an instrument, you go learn an instrument. There's no shame about it. But when we go to learn about sexuality, it's like, okay, now there's all this weirdness about just learning a skill that we can do to make our lives more pleasurable, more easeful, more fueled.

How did you get into this yourself?

Well, I often say it started when I was really young. I was the kid who told everybody, you know, your parents are telling you about the stork thing, and that's not it. And let me tell you what the real lowdown is on this whole thing. And, yeah, I was the one who you didn't want your kids to be friends with, because I was really into truth telling and truth telling about what this thing called sex was all about. And when I was little, I wanted to be Dr. Ruth when I grew up. She was like this inspiration to me. And I told my parents I wanted to go into fertility. Speaking of using the word fertility for all this.

And so what did your parents think about that?

They thought it was cool. My mom was really open, so she's like a super free spirit. But my dad, on the other hand, was a super religious guy, you know, so that was a bit like, I grew up in kind of like backwoods Ohio. And so he'd say things like, now don't go getting swell bellied now, you know?

How do I not know that one?

Yeah, no swell belly. And so, you know, I grew up with this really interesting dichotomy of a mom who was really free and open about everything. And then religious upbringing where it was bad and wrong. And so I've always had that dichotomy in my life. So I go to church and sing in the church choir after I was an exotic dancer. The moment I turned 18, I was like, I could not wait to become an exotic dancer. And so I would go out all night dancing and then go to church and sing in the morning. And so I've always had this really interesting blend of sexuality and spirituality. And how do we reconcile these two things where. And there's not all forms of spirituality say sex is bad and wrong. And it's really interesting to actually look at the texts and look at things that were really written about sex and how it could be utilized for our own spiritual awakenings. And so I became very, very interested in tantra. I was like, 19, and I was just like, give me everything. Because it was the one place that I found where sex and spirituality were not taken apart, but were actually linked together.

It's been my experience throughout life, both from studying ancient manuscripts and just from living my life, that they're intimately linked.

Absolutely.

A woman that I was once partnered with many years ago, her Catholic priest told her when she was 18 that sex is how you meet God. Which, coming from a Catholic priest, was shocking. He was trying to remove. Yeah, he was trying to remove shame from it and just saying it's okay. And funny enough, there's a study, 20% of people say that they meet God during orgasm, at least occasionally, even though their partners don't know. So it really is a deeply Fulfilling thing. When it's done right for you. And it's different. What the. When it's done right, looks like different people have different buttons. And you push your buttons on the other person. It probably isn't going to work for them. So you got to push their buttons. And your teachings on that are pretty freaking awesome. That's why you were at the biohacking conference, by the way, guys, you go to biohackingconference.com to get tickets for the one in May in Dallas, which will be our 10th one. But the thing is, we talked about it on stage. You have a survey on your website, which is free, or a quiz that tells you your blueprint. What is that? Just so people know it. Because people who are other computers will probably do it right now.

Yeah. Blueprintbreakthrough.com all right.

And that again, guys, that's free. It'll tell you you're. You're a primary erotic blueprint type. And I, I would encourage you to do the. You pay a little bit more and we don't have any agreement or financial thing or whatever for that, but it'll give you like all your percentage breakdowns. I like to think of it kind of like love languages, but it's like for the bedroom. And I don't know if you like that characterization or not, but yeah, I do.

I love the love languages and I love all these personality typing tests. It was kind of where this inspiration came for, for the five blueprints, Enneagram and the disc profile. And really into all of those. And I thought, nobody's really put out a personality typing test for eroticism. And I just started paying attention with my clients and noticing patterns and starting to notice how people were wired erotically and what really turned them on, almost like what language they spoke when it came to their own arousal. And in paying attention, I started to notice these same things showing up over and over and over again. In my practice. You mentioned me being a somatic sexologist. And one of the things that's different between say a sex therapist, where you might go and just talk about sex, is that I actually work, you know, hands on with people. So I've got somebody in my office on the massage table and I'm helping his partner, you know, he's having trouble getting an erection and I'm helping his partner, working with him. And it wasn't in touching him that his arousal was. It was in like off his body and his eyes open really big and he started shaking on the table and he started having these Big orgasmic waves. And she's looking at me, and they're both like, what is going on? And I. I just said, he's wired, energetic. And that was kind of my first really big aha around. Oh, wow. Like, there are people whose eroticism is in the longing, it's in the yearning, it's in the not touching. It's in this whole other realm than others. And then the next day I was like, okay, now we got all. And then I just started seeing these five types lay out. And I spent really five years really massaging that in office. Hands on, like, okay, well, now who's this person and who's that person? And working with the different couples who felt like they had mismatch or incompatibility. And then it just really started to solidify. And then when I started speaking about it, people were like, oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. So it just started becoming this bigger and bigger thing that was really landing for people.

I like to think that I've done a pretty good job of spotting things before they happen and doing my best to shine light on them. And I think your work here is really foundational. And so I've just had so much value from it since we last spoke on stage at the conference. I did one of Kimmy Inch's programs where she brought in one of your trained and certified erotic blueprint coaches. And we spent almost a whole day in a small group going through and really understanding each of the erotic blueprints. And it's remarkable because once you know that, I've even gone on dates where I'll ask the person, hey, will you just do this survey real quick? And I'll tell you, it sure does make it a lot easier to set up a good date if you know that that person is essential. Like, all right, fine. They need candles and good lighting and expensive silverware versus energetic, in which case I have energetic stuff. I know how to do that, but, like, I know how to play each of them because I am a shapeshifter and one other type too, that we talked about on stage, but. And those are primary. We all have the ability to do all of them, but it was like, oh, my gosh. And even if, you know, I was in a long term relationship with someone, knowing where they are, and then the other ones, they maybe don't know yet, but you can play with them and see how they fit. It kind of gave me a map. And so I just think your work is remarkable. And I've studied tantra. Not as much as you. And I've studied Taoism, and I've practiced semen retention and tried to disprove it and published all the data. Pretty open about that stuff. It is part of biohacking. It's part of the environment around you is your lover or lovers. And if you ignore that and because I'm gonna upgrade myself in every way, but I'm not gonna look down there, I think you might be sex.

I think sex is kind of the final frontier for a lot of people, growth and biohacking, you know, in these realms, because it's like, the one place we don't want to look. But often it's the place where we get a lot of rapid growth because it's where so many things stem from. And so when we're not looking at our sexuality, we're missing such a huge piece of our own wellness, of our growth, of our spirituality. So many things are linked to it. And I think it's a fast track, you know, like tantra in Agora Tantra, they talk about, like, okay, well, there's meditating in the temple, but there's then meditating in a cremation ground. Which one is the faster path? The householder path or the tantric path, or the, like, everything's perfect path. And so a lot of people talk about in these paths that seem harder or. And I don't want to say like, harder, there can be ease, and there can be lots of pleasure in them. But these paths that seem more taboo, it can be a much faster path to our awakening and aliveness and wellness.

Let's. Let me ask you the hard question here.

Yes.

When I was in Nepal studying meditation with masters and going to a monastery, I went into Kathmandu, and I just randomly met a person on the street. And she was a former Berkeley philosophy professor who had read the old texts and decided that she could become enlightened in a single lifetime. What we would call fast path. So she was living in a cave, meditating for 12 hours a day with a Nepali family who would feed her. And she had just come down into town in order to get some dental work done. And I'm like, is this real? I just randomly ran into this person. Yes, it was real.

So amazing, right?

And so that's like, fast path. You can do it. And I doubt that was the Tantric path. It was probably the I'm alone in a cave path. But all fast paths that I'm aware of in my training come with greater risks. You know, you might get enlightened, but you might go batshit crazy.

100%.

Okay. So if you're on the fast path that involves somatic sex and somatic. Just say interventions, because all. Anything somatic massage is somatic. Anything that's felt in your body is part of the somatic. So, you know, if. If I was to go all in on tantra and conscious kink and all that kind of stuff, what percentage increase in you might go crazy would I be facing?

I don't know what the exact percentage is, but it is higher. You know, it's interesting. Let's talk about the risk. I think a lot of people just. It's not for them. And. And it does come with risk, and it does come with. Have somebody who can help you through it, you know, have somebody who can guide you, who's been there, who's done it, who knows the risk, because absolutely. It's like that edge of madness. You can put yourself right up against that edge of madness. I'll tell you a quick story of something crazy that happened to me in Paris. Wild. I'll say wild, not necessarily crazy, but I was just in Paris over the summer, and, you know, I've been doing a lot of, like, you, you know, a lot of this tantric practice, a lot of breath work, a lot of psychedelic work, like, all these different things. Because I've been a seeker most of my life, and I'm sitting in a cafe in Paris, had not had any psychedelics, had not been doing any breath work, nothing. Like, none of those things. And all year I've been like, I don't want any tool. I just want to have these mystical experiences and an ecstatic orgasmic experience without anything, without sex, without psychedelics, without it. And I've been asking for it all year. And I'm sitting in this cafe in Paris, and all of a sudden it starts to happen. And I'm going, oh, I'm in the middle of Paris. This thing's happening.

You're just having orgasms.

I'm just like. I start to go into, like a complete. Like. I don't even know how to describe this state of consciousness. Ego dissolution in the middle of this cafe.

Like a samadhi dissolving into everything.

Dissolving into everything. Couldn't walk. They had to carry me back me back to my place. And I thought, okay, maybe somebody dosed me. You know, like, I'll. I'll get. I'll get through this. Somebody might have dosed me. I thought, okay, eight hours. I'll ride it out. It's the next morning, still going on they take me to the doctor because they're just like. I mean, my vitals. My vitals stayed fine, but it was like, what the hell is going on? And didn't go away. The doctor's like, well, maybe you should take some benzodiazepines. I'm like, no, I think this is something else. I don't want to stop it. Let it go. Awakening, you know, four days later, still going on five days later, still going on six days. It goes past a week, two weeks, still going on. And I start to panic. You know, at some point, I'm just like, am I ever coming back? And you see the, like, the attachments you still have and all of these things of like, no, but my son and, no, but my work in the world.

But are you just pelvic thrusting and moaning all the time or, like, give me a little bit more detail here.

Like, yeah, I mean, I was in, like, ecstatic. Like, postures and hand gestures are happening.

This is a Kundalini awakening.

Yes. And. And then ego dissolution would happen. Singing. And then there would be like, oh, my God, I'm stepping up to the thing I always ask for. But, oh, my, no, I don't want it. Let me go back. Let me just be a teacher. Let me. Let me have my life back. And, you know, couldn't eat and sleep. It was. And so when you talk about these, like, going into these, into madness. I mean, ecstasy. Ecstasy is right on that edge. And I was right on that edge. Like, am I going into madness? Is this Samadhi? Like, all of these things? And so when I came back, it was just like, get everything checked, get my blood work checked. Is there something wrong with my brain?

You know, even you were questioning this.

Okay, I was completely questioning it. And. And so, you know, and all the doctors, I. Boulder is really cool. I live in Boulder. And so they're just like, this week.

I would have said hi.

They're like, no, I think this is just a spiritual experience. Like, there's nothing wrong with you. And the more I could rest into, like, that's what it was. I mean, light shows geometry everywhere I went. It was just. I couldn't drive. I couldn't function for a while. And then. And then it started to calm down. But, like, it was quite so. Yeah, absolutely. The fast track has its risks. Or these desires for these things. It's like, okay, I'm, like, really careful for what I wish for. And it taught me so much. And I still have. You know, like, you talk about upgrade. It's like, okay, my baseline is different. Everything, my whole operating system is completely different after this experience. So. So, yeah, sex can take you to these places.

So what, what brought. I have to ask it this way. What turned on that experience?

We have no idea. We have no idea.

Sitting at a cafe and boom, I'm.

Sitting in a cafe. I hadn't even been doing any practices or anything. Cause I was on vacation and with my son and it was just like. And that was the scary part. Even though I'd been asking for it, it was like, so scary. Cause it's like, oh, if you take a psychedelic, I know that that caused it. If I, if I have sex and I go into these states of consciousness where I'm expanded, that's normal for me. So. Or breath work class or, you know, drumming, or any of these things that can take us into these ecstasies. But that was, that was one of the scariest ones because there was nothing, nothing, you know, I put in quotes that brought it on.

It's interesting. Sometimes being in a certain place can do that. Whether it's a past life thing or the energy on the planet is different there on that day. A lot of my spiritual teachers have mentioned things like that. So you could have just, you know, stepped into the right place.

Yeah, one of my therapists said that exact same thing. She's like, you were just in a place and time and who knows exactly what you're saying? So mystery.

It's been my experience there are definitely some places on the planet, like, if I go there, something weird's gonna happen. And, you know, I could, I can make up a story why I could believe the story that I see in my, you know, spiritual journeying. Or I could just say I've noticed this pattern. And all of those are valid. Like, you just. You don't know, but you do. You just start seeing. You start seeing patterns. If you work with hundreds of people, or thousands in your case, which led you to, to do this. And I appreciate the really, this frank and honest thing that that can happen. It can happen from breath work. When I, I learned art of living years ago with Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, and I did it religiously for like five plus years. Every morning, 15 minutes of breath work in a week, an hour longer. But they warned you, like, don't do the long kriya. It's called don't do it every day. Because you'll float away and you won't be able to work. Like, it's not a good thing unless you're with people. Do we have that risk with, you know, especially some of the really, the really advanced tantric and conscious kink practices. I mean, you can. It feels like you're taking heavy duty psychedelics, but you're not. It's just your body. I mean, if you do that for two hours a day, are you going to sort of float off into reality and have problems?

Yeah, I mean, I think it really depends on the person. So for me, I talk about in my book a story of this experience where someone was. We were doing breath work, we were making love, and he decided to put his third eye against my vulva, like pressing it really hard. And it felt like my whole pelvis opened up. And I started laughing hysterically and crying hysterically and like the whole. And then I just disintegrated completely. I was a poof. Nothingness into complete nothingness. So good. It's like, that's the best kind of sex for me. But I'm an energetic blueprint, so I love that. And. And so. And I'm laughing and then I start to kind of come back and. And it was like I experienced the moment when we were stars. Like, I was a star and I. So I called it, remember, I'm a stargasm. And. But, you know, I've been cultivating this for 30 years. Since I was a teenager, I've been cultivating these things and cultivating. Using breath work during sex and cultivating. And I joked with him that night, I said, this is why I never took psychedelics as a kid, was because as soon as I found sex, I was like, well, I don't need. I don't need to take psychedelics. Like, I'm having these really big expanded states of consciousness. And I think that's a taboo topic too. People don't want to touch is blending psychedelics with sexuality. Then you got really two really powerful. And that was something, you know, Tantric has talked about Soma, and there's the Mythuna rituals that had all the forbiddens in it. And. And so I think that's also a really interesting topic. And as a person who. I think you and I have that in common of like, loving to explore ourselves. Okay, well, what does this do and what are the metrics on it?

I try everything at least once and probably twice in case I did it wrong the first time.

Yep, that's always my rule. At least twice. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's some things, like, I wouldn't be into that, but okay, maybe I am. Right. Because how would you know until you try it? You Know, it's all stories.

Exactly. And the same thing with kink. Like, I had an experience where I went to somebody and I was like, let's do expanking. Like, I really wanted somebody to take me into those states of consciousness, like, subspace, and let's, let's do something where I actually let go enough to trust me.

It's hard if you've never done that. You have to. You feel so safe to do it. But did you feel like you were taking drugs?

The first one, My first experience where I really asked somebody to do that was with a lot of impact Play.

Yeah.

And it, and it. I, I didn't yet know how to use my safe words. And so, like, I just had this power battle and was just like, I'm not going to say red, even though it hurts. So I couldn't sit for two weeks after that experience, and I didn't quite get there. Good for you. You're saying something, Dave, about your blueprint. Yeah, maybe. And then I had somebody who was really good at psychological kink, and what she did was so brilliant. She. She took a belt. I don't. Nobody do this at home, please. She was an expert. And there was lots of agreement.

This is a serious warning. Like, if, if you're going to do this kind of stuff, you need to, like, know what you're doing. And like I said, I just took a class with, With Kimmy. And so, yeah, I just. You can hurt someone, spanking them the wrong way, just to be clear. So keep it.

Yes. Or putting belts around their neck, which is what. What this scenario was. So I had a belt around my neck, and she had it in a door. Door frame. So I couldn't, I couldn't move. Right. Because I would choke myself for the total predicament. Bondage. And then she had mitts on my hands, so I had no use of my fingers. There were these big, bulky mitt things. And she said, and I'm an achiever, you know, like, I, I, if somebody gives me a task, I'm gonna get that task done. And she was like, okay, well, your goal here is you have to get your bra off. Oh, my God. Sitting in my bra, and I've got these mitts, and I've got this thing around my neck which is attached to the door. So there's no way I'm gonna get my. But I was gonna try. And so I'm there. I'm trying all these different things to try to get this thing off, and I can't. And she's like, well, what will you. What will you do for me to get this off? And I was like, I'll sing. So I. I sing her this song and she's like, that was very pleasing to me. And all she does is she takes my bra strap and she just, like lowers it here on my arm. And something inside me just went. And then I was out. I went into that expanded state of consciousness because she gave me a task that was unachievable. And something in my psyche, my identity, was so tied in that that it just. Everything in me let go at that moment.

So some people hearing this are going, that's weird. From a somatic therapy perspective. And what all I know about it, there are lots of people who cannot surrender. They just do not know how to do it. And that's not something you do with your mind. It's something you do in your body. And when you're put in a situation where you realize you're safe because you could always stop it, but you can't win. There's no way. But you're still trying. And just to face failure without knowing what's going to happen, but to still feel safe. And then after all of that, to experience pleasure. What I see is happening is that you're in a vulnerable state. But when your. Your nervous system pairs vulnerability with a specific brain state that's caused by orgasm and pleasure, it starts to go, well, maybe this fearful state wasn't really necessary because it was paired with pleasure. So they start to come together. So you're less fearful in all of your life because it reduced the severity of the fear. Because this thing might also come with something that feels good afterwards. And what that means is you're less. It's. It's harder to trigger you and you're less afraid than you were before all the time, even potentially years later. So it can be really cathartic and healing. And I've seen this firsthand. And yeah, that ability to just feel safe enough to let go, it's actually really a sacred thing. I have a friend who's, we'll say into psychedelics very, very well, and for this person is the first time they'd ever gone into subspace. And I was providing that service for them, you know, in a. In a space with partners present and, you know, not actual sex at all. Just like, let's drop in. And yeah, after it maybe took 10 minutes, this was also impact and a little bit of predicament, and all of a sudden, same exact thing. And it was. I've been on I feel like I took something, right. And it lasted for two weeks because wow, wow. Imagine if you've just been stuck. And so I just look at this as, okay, you could go use psychedelics, but this is a path that's actually more natural than taking. Than taking a drug.

Yeah. Because it's your own endogenous chemicals. We have that pharmacy and if we know how to tap into that pharmacy and sometimes that's on the edge of identity, on the edge of psyche. Like what you're talking about, where all of a sudden the dissonance just something break, like, and I mean break in a good way, like something lets go something in that dissonance in the psyche. When we start to move into these spaces and the nervous system shifts and then you come out of it and you're at a new baseline. Your fear is not what it was anymore because all of a sudden you're not afraid of that thing because you just failed. But it was pleasurable and it felt good.

I mean, if you want to be a good entrepreneur or good at relationships, learn to not fear failure. It just makes life so much better. And if this is your path, who's going to judge that? And it's part of a talk. I've been traveling around giving talks to very highly successful people. And it's a talk about psychedelics. And the first talk is, here's all the things you can do that aren't psychedelics that put you in the same state. And there's tantra, there's conscious kink, there's breath work, there's extended fasting, there's all kinds of things. And there's emdr. Right. And if none of that gets you there, then okay, there's an order of operations for psychedelics. But the idea that we're just going to say, oh, you know, I'm really successful, so I need to go to the most dangerous psychedelic, which is ayahuasca, probably maybe Datura's worst, but no one knows about that one, so. But okay, there's that. Or you know, maybe you should just get a good spanking or find a lover who's going to match your erotic blueprint and just launch into outer space. Tell me about the erotic blueprints. How many are there? And just give me the one sentence overview of each.

Yeah, there's five erotic blueprints. The energetic is someone who's turned on by anticipation, space, tease, longing, yearning, not having the thing energetic. And the sensuals turned on by all of their senses being ignited. So that's taste, touch, Smell, closeness, eating something delicious. The sexual is what we think of as sex in our culture. Penetration, nudity, orgasms. And then we go to the kinky. And the kinky is what we've been talking about. It's the taboo. It's impact, it's. But it's whatever's taboo for you. So it's that edge for you personally in kinky kale.

So for me, like, if someone tried to give me a kale, it'd be.

So taboo, it might blast you off. And adders.

Hit me with kale. I've been very bad.

Now I know. Now I know your secret. Now I know. Now I know the way in. I'm just gonna offer kale, have an orgasm and eat kale at the same time. Dave, it'll be wiring.

That's just rude. Okay, we're not going there. That's a yellow. That's a yellow.

That's a yellow.

Okay, that's safe. Where Zingo most of the time. Red means we have to stop now. Yellow means I'm getting close to my edge. And, well, you don't really say it, but green means everything's good.

So green, good to go. Good to go. And then there's impact oriented. So there's psychological oriented kink and impact oriented kink. And then the final one's a shapeshifter, and that's someone who's turned on by all of it. So it's all the ones that I just talked about, and they really have the superpower of being multilingual, so they can speak all the different languages. Great lovers, shadow side. All of them have shadow sides. But the shadow side of the shapeshifter is that they shapeshift all the time to please other people. And so they're not all the time all the way fed.

Got it. Spending a whole day with Kimmy Inch, learning your content through one of your instructors was really remarkable because, I mean, I've read your book, I've done my surveys, I've had you on stage, right? Familiar with your work, but just talking through it and really hearing other people's stories about, like, how, oh, my God, understanding that about myself, like, lets me finally ask for what I want was really. It was really meaningful, I would say. I think everyone who. Who just got to go deep, it sort of unlocks this idea that, wow, I never recognize that pattern in myself. Now that I know the pattern, I know the areas where I can likely mine to find the richness in my intimacy, and then I can ask my partner for it. And your partner is going to be totally clueless. Right. There's, like, how would you know otherwise? You just sort of stumble into it.

Yeah. I mean, I think that it's just like languages, you know, we. We have this thing about sexual incompatibility, and I don't think that we're sexually incompatible. I don't think that we're mismatched. I think oftentimes we just don't have enough information about sexuality. And so because we don't know the blueprints and. And then there's. On our quizzes, the majority of people with vulvas, people who identify as women, say that they are energetic and sensual, and the majority of people with Cox say that they are mostly shape shifters, which was surprising, I think, to a lot of people, because a lot of people think sexuals would be what most men would identify as, but they're really across the board. And so we've got these whole areas of our sexuality, especially with energetics, the majority of people have not even started to explore or there. Or kinky, you know, that we're not. We're not learning in. So it's like whole sex of sets of languages that we don't know how to speak. And oftentimes the pairing I see most is an energetic with a sexual. And that's. I think that's just because they come to me because they. They're really struggling. But that pairing, it seems like they're on two very, very different planets.

Are you up for talking about your own unique pairing? I know we talked about on stage, but Absolutely. Part of your work in Coming up with the ERO blueprint breakthrough is that, by the way, I didn't mention that you were on Netflix's series Sex, Love and Goop, which is kind of cool. So I could have mentioned that during the intro. But that whole situation with erotic blueprints, you came across this in your own relationship. Tell me the story there of kind of how you discovered this and then what you did about it.

So my partner Ian and I, we were about six, three, four years into our relationship and we started really struggling. It was. Our son was born. You know, anybody who has a new baby can attest to that whole time in life.

The death of sex in most relationships for a year or two.

Yeah, yeah. But I was still very much sexually alive, but he really had a crash. And then we just were really struggling and we got to the point where, you know, I'd come to bed at night and I'd initiate. And my way of initiating sex Was like, touching his genitals and saying, do you want to have sex tonight? And his way of initiating sex was cuddling. And I'd roll my eyes kind of like, oh, God, he's cuddling again.

There's no woman ever except for.

And he'd be like, you're so obvious. Like, I was taking striptease class to try to, you know, like, I'm in my G string doing the cat pounces. And he's like, oh, my God, you're so obvious. And so I didn't get. This was before. I really had this languaging. And. And so I'm rolling to my. You know, rolling over and crying myself to sleep at night because I'm like, the sex goddess. I'm like this sex expert. I can't get my own partner to have sex with me. Like, what is wrong? And come to find out that, you know, if we. When we take the test, he's zero sexual. I'm zero kinky. He's highest in kinky. I'm highest in sexual. Very close to energetic.

That's a pretty rough combination, right?

We're complete opposites in the testing, like, completely. I was 5% sensual, and he's kinky sensual. I am sexual energetic. He's zero sexual and 5% energetic. So we're literally flipped. And. And what's beautiful about it is, okay, so we're flipped. So now what? Well, I go learn kink. I go learn how to speak his language because he's primarily kinky. So let me go take classes. I mean, that's why my but was black and blue for two weeks, is because I was trying to learn things. I took all these classes. I took, you know, just like, learning from experts and going out and getting coached. And. And then what started to happen was then I would find things in the area of kink that actually did turn me on. And so now we're finding our bridges. We're finding that the if the.