Hack Your Love Life: Hormones & Happiness | John Gray | 1109 | Dave Asprey

You're listening to the Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey, formerly. You're listening to the Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey. Today's episode is one that I just have been looking forward to for a long time. It is with a dear friend, a guy who's taught me so much, and a guy you've probably heard of, John Gray. He's author of a very famous book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and probably, what, 40 other books. How many books have you written now?

Oh, just 25. Just 25.

Oh, my gosh, it's such a slacker. I meant eight just to be congrats.

Congrats. Yeah. They're amazing books.

Oh, thank you. Truly, coming from you, that, that means a lot. The thing I wanted to chat about here is, you know, things have changed since the 90s. And so you wrote a then and now version of this, with the idea being even over that 20 or 30 year range, that the most common relationship problems are, at least between men and women, are because of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes. Has anything changed in that view over the course of your last 30 years, or is this just kind of. This is a fundamental problem.

Well, I think men are still men, women are still women, but the challenges we face are completely different. As soon as women started being independent from men, making more money, being independent, being highly educated, what do they need a man for? So that changed everything. So many single women will say, why do I need a man in my life? Well, if you don't know what you need a man for, why do I want to be with you? Because ultimately, men are looking for a job, they want to be successful. Everything we do is to be successful. And many women listening are going to go, yeah, I want that too. That's her masculine side. But if you're a man and you have a biology of a man feeling successful in providing for others, solving problems, getting things done, setting goals and achieving those goals, produces male friendly hormones, testosterone. And women with the same intention of solving problems, fixing things, achieving your goals, making money, they make testosterone as well. And it's not that testosterone's not female friendly, it's just testosterone doesn't lower a woman's stress levels. Testosterone will lower a man's stress levels. And how I say that is when a man is experiencing high cortisol levels, chronic stress, his testosterone levels are low. When a man is feeling really no stress, but motivated, challenged, his testosterone is at its maximum place. Then if he's in a physically intimate relationship, his testosterone can go even higher. So you can make all the money in the world, but if the woman's not adoring you in bed, you're not going to reach the highest level you can get to. So you'll see many successful men do have physical, intimate experiences at a very high level, which is, this is how we're set as men. If you're out there making love, your testosterone levels will be higher. Because, I mean, think about my work and your work. When we're standing in front of the audiences at your big conferences, which are such a delight, and you get a standing ovation from those people, you just feel fantastic. Your testosterone has shot up. That is because I have served them and they're acknowledging and appreciating me. So testosterone goes up. That's what men thrive on. And on another world, it was playful. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. There's the female friendly hormone estrogen. And when a woman is depressed, stressed, unhappy, her estrogen levels will typically be too low. And if her estrogen levels are normal and healthy, she is happy. And then for her to be happier, we'll call that orgasm. Her estrogen levels have to double. If her estrogen levels don't double or can't double, she's not going to experience that highest peak of connection and bonding that's possible for couples today. But you have to learn some good skills to keep that going.

I dated this absolutely just wonderful woman for a while, and she came over my house one day and she said, dave, I've decided that men are here to make women happy. And this is a woman who studies relationships for a living. And I just kind of laugh, but it made me think of your work. Like, guys just want to be useful. We want to be successful. What would you say to her?

Well, from one point of view, absolutely. A man just wants to make a woman happy. And let me give you some foundation for this, because I'm not a people pleaser. Sometimes when men hear me saying, look, men just want to make women happy, they think, oh, you're just some kind of wimp, people pleaser. And hold on, hold on. You're only a wimp if you're not being adored and appreciated and acknowledged and trusted and accepted just the way you are. If you're giving up who you are, then you're a wimp. And I don't. So when I say men just want to make women happy, let me just tell you, men who are married, who decide to get a divorce, women who are married and they decide to get a divorce, what women Will almost always say, I give and I give and I give and I don't get back. Okay, so I have nothing left to give. That's what women will say. What do men say? They typically will say, no matter what I do, it's never enough to make her happy. That's our bottom line. We really just want our wives to be happy. And if she's happy, what's the message I get? I'm getting a standing ovation. When I come home, I'm getting a standing ovation. Doesn't look like a standing ovation, but it's a woman who's happy.

It's laying on your back ovation. Is that what you're saying, John?

It's what, laying on my back?

Laying on your back ovation?

It's usually for me in the morning, but yes.

So there's some sort of loop around being a source of safety, groundedness, being a provider, all the other, I don't know, guy things. And that's creating a rise in estrogen, which creates appreciation, which then fuels additional intimacy. Am I reading that?

Her appreciation, if I do the things you just mentioned? Providing, being supportive in a way which makes her feel supported, not what I think is supportive. Okay, let me qualify that. Let's say I make a lot of money at a certain point. So what? You know, she can always get a lawyer and keep that money. So it's the dark side of divorce. So, you know, women have figured this out, and let's add to it. Let's say I make a lot of money, but she also makes a lot of money, and they're similar. Why does she need me? So why is she going to appreciate? It's kind of like, look at all this things I do for you. She says, well, I do that too. What else are you doing for me? So that's sort of the picture today. When women could not make money and they lived in a dangerous world. To have a man was amazing. And you had huge appreciation because you felt, this is something of meaning and value to me, that I need. Need is a word that's become a bad word because you can be needy, and that's awful. Needy is I need you and you're not providing. Okay, that's needy. I need you, and you're not giving me enough. I need you, and when you don't give me what I need, it hurts inside. And that's really immature. It's too demanding. It's not a good relationship skill. And this is this phrase that women are all being taught to say, now which is, that hurts, okay? Everything hurts. We've become this hypersensitive society of my feelings are hurt. Now, when your feelings are hurt, the part of you that's feeling hurt is probably about 7 years old. Inside of you, this is the most immature part of us. So let me give you an example of how this would look. I have a friend, and he's successful businessman. He does well in his life. He's a biohacker. He's very cool guy, and he's got a beautiful girlfriend, okay? And he loves her, and she's amazing, and they have amazing physical intimacy, and there's nothing to complain about. And then he says, okay, this weekend, I want to go fishing with my buddies. And she says, but if you go fishing with your buddies, it hurts. Do you want to hurt me? Do you still want to go fishing with your buddies if that hurts me? He goes, listen, I don't want to hurt you, but I also need time for my life. I can't always be with you fulfilling your needs here, which I enjoy doing when I have time for that and I'm with you. And so this idea of I feel hurt becomes the ultimate manipulator to control a man. And then what men will often say is, besides, my wife is not happy, is I feel controlled. And women go, but I'm not trying to control you. They don't. They're not aware that negative emotions to a man can seem controlling. And why? Because we so much want them to be happy. Because when she's happy, I take credit for it, right? So I feel great. I take her to a movie and she goes, that was a great movie. On a personal level, I feel like I wrote that movie. You know, it's like, you know, you've developed all these great products. So if your wife's taking your products and drinking your products and she's saying, I feel fantastic. You feel? Yep, I did that. So men will tend to take credit for how women feel, but that's a bit of our neurosis as well, because if she doesn't feel good, then we feel bummed out. And bottom line, if I'm speaking to an audience and half the audience leaves, I'm going to be pretty bummed out, right? Because as perfect as we want to be, I'm still attached to, hey, I want everybody to be happy with my talks. And if a few go, that's all right, but half leave, what a bummer. It triggers unhappy feelings in me. So success is again coming back to. And I like to bring it back to hormones, because this is. This is your facts. Okay? Men need to make just. Just for feeling good, 10 times more testosterone than an average woman who's feeling good. And to be a biohacker superman, live long life, you have to have a higher testosterone. You know, at 72 years old, my average testosterone is 50% higher than when I was a young man.

Doing all right then without supplementing.

I don't do any supplements. No. I mean, I do supplements, but not for testosterone. One of my favorite supplements. Oh. Was tongkat Ali. I love tongkat Ali and. But I can't even take it. I. I would just have erections all the time.

You stop taking it. No kidding. Okay, so, guys, tongkat Ali, common testosterone raising herb. I don't.

It's a really good one if your testosterone's low because it also. One of its functions is it inhibits the transfer of testosterone into estrogen. What's that hormone that does that?

It's aromatase.

Aromatase. So tongkat ali is a aromatase inhibitor. Because that's one of the problems for men is we can have this testosterone. And as soon as a woman's not happy with us, we get upset. And what's just occurring is now your estrogen levels are going higher. It's like if you take too much testosterone, too much, then it will convert into estrogen because your body's always trying to find the right balance. And you get man boobs, you know, which is. Or if you're too far on your female side, you get man boobs.

I've struggled with man boobs for my. My whole life. When I was younger, I was obese, and I always had them. All the guys in my family have them. It's a. A testosterone pathway thing. And I don't have them at all because I finally managed the conversion of testosterone and estrogen the right way. I use crisin, which is similar to tongkat Ali, but it doesn't raise testosterone. It just stops it from going down that pathway. And if I forget to take it, give me about three days. I'm like tinder nipples. And it's irritating. But even though I'm very lean and extra, extra body fat makes extra estrogen, it still. It still happens. And managing it with herbs, whether it's tongkat or crisin, seems like a really good idea. So. But you're not doing either one of those because you make a lot of testosterone because of your. We'll call it energetic and sexual practices and your relational practices and your. Probably your diet. But. But then do you take something to manage conversion to estrogen. Or you don't need to do that either.

No, I don't.

So you're like the man's man, hormonally and naturally.

Well, nothing was natural when I recognize how clearly gender differences trigger different hormones. So if I let myself talk about anything, I'm feeling sorry for myself or argue or raise my voice. Any of those symptoms of using negative emotions to create a response in somebody, my estrogen levels will flare very, very high.

So whining is bad.

Whining is really bad for men. Complaining is really bad for men. Particularly to a woman that you're arguing with, because then you're using negative emotions to create a result. Negative emotions is like the lowest level animal level inside of us.

Isn't that what, like social justice warriors, every protester out there is complaining?

Yeah. Their testosterone levels are just so down. If they're men, their estrogen levels are so high. They're petty, they're picky, they're hypersensitive, their feelings are hurt all the time, as I mentioned, feelings. But this is the dynamic. What happens to women is if they're out there complaining, it's like porn for men. See, porn is not productive for men. We might talk about that later, but.

Just right now, it feels good, but it's bad for us, right?

That's right, it feels good. The reason it feels good is because it super raises testosterone when a man looks at porn. I mean, if you go online and just look at 60, go to free porn, 64,000 women are waiting to have sex with you in your subconscious mind. So you're alpha man. You're like the king of the tribe. And so your testosterone shoots up really, really high and it will go way down afterwards. And a way down is called baseline.

Even if you don't ejaculate it. What if you just look at it for a while and get turned on and then don't ejaculate?

Well, I'll tell you, being a master of not ejaculating, which is part of my high testosterone, I never ejaculate. I mean, I could in a second. See, that's the thing. I've, you know, I'm a very in touch with my female feeling. My feelings, okay, My female side, my estrogen levels are also very high. Just my testosterone is so much higher. Being in touch with feelings when you're over there, that's the reason we ejaculate, other than the fact we get addicted to it. But it's when you know, when something Feels so good. This feels so good. I want more and more of this. When anything feels good, you're producing female hormones. That's why you look at manly men. I won't call myself a manly man, but if you watch Joe Rogan, I'm well balanced guy. But you get this big guys. And Joe Rogan was interviewing one of them. He said, tell me your routine. He says, I get up every morning, 4 o', clock, I run huge amount of distance. I forget what it is. Miles and miles.

It's probably my friend Jocko.

Maybe he runs miles and miles city comes back. Yeah, and then he gets into a freezing cold bath. You know, he gets into the ice thing and then, then you finish with that. You just. He says, and I feel like a million bucks. I'm King Kong. I'm the king of the world, you know, and, and I know that feeling, so I feel that way. And then Joe says, do you like getting up like that? I hate it. I hate every minute of it.

I hate it has to be David Goggins. Okay, gotcha.

But I, I use that example because for people to understand that high testosterone guys have to do stuff that is not easy. You've got to do difficult, challenging stuff and you don't like it. See, whenever you're liking something, you're making estrogen. Whenever you're enjoying something, you're making estrogen. When you're depending on something to make you happy, that's an estrogen stimulator. Now actually, when you're depending on yourself to be productive, take do something that you, you believe is productive and good for you and good for others and so forth, you set a goal and I'm going to achieve that goal. That's why I tell men, particularly for men, set goals. And you know, for some men, just write them out, you know, put it out there. And then when you take action to achieve those goals, your testosterone levels go up. And that's an again quality of, of talk to young men about, you know, you want your testosterone to go up. Make promises. When you make a promise, you're setting a goal and then you follow through. So, you know, my joke is I don't make that many promises now. It's too hard. If I say I'm going to do something, I have to do it. So if I'm not really sure I'm going to do it, I don't make the promise. But you know, being a person of integrity, it's such a good quality. It would be our male side has that integrity, strengthens us that if I don't like it if it's hard or whatever but I said I'm going to do it I'm going to do it and that process that mental process of taking action to achieve your goals is a huge testosterone booster.

I love hearing this and if you're younger one of the reasons I do this show the reason I started my blog on biohacking is I just wish someone had told me this when I was 19 and I was obese and my brain didn't work and I didn't know all the stuff that I know now and it was only in a way I could understand it. What you're saying is for guys it's supposed to suck at least for a little while each day and that's one of the reasons I do I do cold plunges or cryotherapy when I have an upgrade labs near me because well you know that little bit not only is there an effect on testosterone testosterone and dopamine go to.