In this discussion, Justin Lehmiller (Ph.D.) and Dave Asprey explore practical ways to communicate sexual fantasies with a partner. They emphasize choosing the right time and setting—ideally when both partners are already sexually aroused—to increase receptivity. The conversation highlights the importance of psychological framing: validating the partner, expressing desire, and presenting the fantasy as a mutually enjoyable addition rather than a critique of the current sex life. They identify common insecurities that can arise: men often worry about performance, competence, and being undesired, while women (or partners of men) may fear jealousy, especially around fantasies involving non‑monogamy, threesomes, or open relationships. Across genders, the core emotional need is to feel wanted. The speakers provide concrete communication tactics for managing these insecurities, such as affirming attraction, addressing performance anxiety, and openly discussing jealousy, thereby fostering a more productive and supportive dialogue about sexual exploration.
Chapters
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What's the first thing you say? More vanilla fantasy. So how does the conversation go? Like, let's say that you're a woman and you want to try something that you never tried before. What do you say?
Yeah. So I think when you're sharing a fantasy with a partner, it requires first figuring out the right time and place to do this, because research shows that when we're sexually aroused are discussed response lessons. So if you're sharing a sexual fantasy that your partner might not necessarily be receptive to in general, if you can do it in a state of sexual arousal, odds are they'll be more receptive and open to the idea. Now, in terms of sharing the fantasies, you also have to manage your partner's insecurities. Because when you say, hey, I want to try something new, people have a tendency to think like, oh, what's wrong? My partner isn't into me anymore. They're not happy with the sex we're having. So you have to have the right psychological framing for it, where you validate your partner, tell them how hot the sex you're having is, how attractive you think they are, and here's this new fun thing you guys can try together that you might both really enjoy. So I think if you frame it that way and you try to manage your partner's insecurities, that can go a long way toward having a more productive conversation about your fantasy. No matter what it is.
What are the most common male insecurities that a woman, or I guess a man with a man would have to deal with?
So, you know, speaking beyond shame, when I look at men's sexual fantasies and women's sexual fantasies, I find that no matter what their gender is, people are often trying to meet various emotional needs through their fantasy. But the biggest one that cuts across gender is this wanting to feel wanted. People want to feel desired. And so that's really why I give that advice of validating your partner, making them know how much you want them, desire them, how much they turn you on. Because that really seems to be crucial for sexual arousal, no matter what your gender or sexual orientation might be. But for men in particular, there's also lots of concerns about feeling sexually incompetent or that their performance is going to be less than. And so it's also kind of managing that kind of performance anxiety issue. With men in particular, that's important to address. If you present your fantasy in a way that makes your partner feel threatened, that can lead to a host of performance issues in the bedroom.
Okay, so for women it's don't scare the guy because he can't get it up. If I translate that right.
Exactly. Okay, I hear you there.
What about if we switch it around? So guy wants to try something new. What are the most common insecurities that he's going to face with his partner?
Well, it depends a bit on what the fantasy is. So I find that men in general have more fantasies about threesomes and about open relationships and just non monogamy in general. And so when men are sharing these, these fantasies about bringing somebody else into the bedroom or going off and doing something with a new partner, there's that potential threat to their female partner who might say, well, why do you want to sleep with other people? You know what's. And are you going to get emotionally involved with them in addition to being sexually involved with them? And so it's really kind of, if you're dealing with any type of non monogamy fantasy, it's managing that jealousy is really what's at the root of it. And some people are able to find productive ways, ways through it. Other people aren't. Right. Non monogamy is not for everyone, even though it's something that most people have fantasized about at one time or another.
