Why Men Struggle With Sharing Fantasies | Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. x Dave Asprey

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Is the solution to that different for men and women on average?

In terms of how we deal with.

Yeah, in terms of how to deal with them. I mean, do you find, you said men apparently report more fantasies than women? If I'm paraphrasing you right, but the idea of asking for what you want, I mean, is it the same recipe for to sit down with your partner and say, I've really thought about X and then seeing if your partner runs away screaming, how do we do that?

Right. So there are some interesting gender dynamics. One is that men on average feel more shame about their fantasies than women do. So before you can get to that point of actually sharing your fantasy with a partner, there's some work that we need to do on ourselves to get that level of self acceptance that's going to open the door to having productive and healthy conversations. So men might actually have a higher hurdle to clear in the sense that they're starting with a higher baseline of shame. And then when it comes to actually sharing your fantasies, men and women on average have some differences in what it is that turns them on. And so, you know, when we're talking about sharing them, sometimes you're going to find that one partner is turned on by something that the other partner isn't. And how do you deal with that type of situation? Right. So I think when people are sharing their fantasies regardless of their gender, it's important to start low, go slow. Your more vanilla tame sexual fantasies first build up trust and intimacy and communication before you get to your deeper, more adventuresome types of fantasies. Because if you don't have that baseline of trust and communication, it's going to be a heck of a lot harder to put yourself in that position of vulnerability where you're sharing your deepest fantasy and also to, you know, kind of get that non judgmental reaction from your partner.