"Is My Marriage Worth Fighting For?" - Tony & Sage Robbins FULL Relationship Intervention

How much growth do you think he feels with you?

I'm not sure. We haven't spoken about future or goals or anything together.

As we are in relationship and in love, there's different stages and they have different qualities and different challenges.

The fact that you've reached out and you felt rejected, then after a while you don't really want to reach out. And so what happens is both parties think the other person really doesn't care as much. Needs are not just desires. These are deeper than desires. People will give up their own values to meet their needs. Okay, looks like we have Laura here. Laura from Miami, not far from here. Give it up for Laura. Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

Tone, her question is, how do I navigate this crossroads in my relationship and decide whether to stay or leave while finding clarity on my purpose and next steps for creating a fulfilling and independent life.

Okay, so your question, whether you stay or whether you should go in a relationship— are you currently married?

Yes.

Yes. Okay, how many years you've been married?

Married 6, together 18. I met him when I was 18 and he's a lot older than me.

Wow.

But we've grown very apart, uh, for a few, a couple of years now. Uh, we don't have the same connection or interest. And I do not want to act out of a place of fear. I am afraid of losing a great man, but I am also afraid of losing myself and acting out of fear of the unknown and change.

Hi, dear. Well, you said something that really stood out to me. You said, you know, I do not want to lose a great man. And, you know, as we are in relationship and in love, there are different stages, and they have different qualities and different challenges. Do you love this man? Laura?

I think I love him, but I am not currently in love. I don't feel that passion on either side because I feel like I have tried.

What happens is, you know, everything that you've been learning here today through these technologies that Tony's offering is about unleashing and untethering and really wiping the lens clear so that we can experience one another. Because over years, what happens is we don't see each other anymore. We see all the overlays and our judgments and blame or frustration that we innocently place upon one another. And by the way, I'm not here to say to stay or not, but I am a big believer in at least uprooting what's false and identifying that so that you can touch upon it deeper. So if you really love this great man, at least you have an opportunity to satiate that and to maybe take 90 days, you know, 3 or 4 months and say, and say, I'm gonna pour myself into this at a different level, and look to uproot the false beliefs that disconnect me from him. And then a lot of times when we don't feel that our needs are being met, mind can get upset. And yet underneath the upset is a request. And one of the beautiful practices that Tony and I share is what I call the art of a request. It's like, honey, do you know what, just the truth. Laura, straight talk. What's your husband's name?

Peter.

Peter. Can I be Peter, and can you share what you would like him to understand? Tell him here now. Tell him your heart, not dropping blame, dropping the story. What would you want him to understand?

Pete, I would like you to know that I feel very lonely. All the time. Even when you're home, you're working all the time, and I feel lonely. And when I try to give you a hug, please don't push me away because I feel rejected.

Yes, I'm sorry, Laura. I, I hear that you have felt alone, uh, and felt, uh, not my presence, and that certainly hasn't been my intention. I've been in life and in my own busyness and responsibilities, and I'm sorry if in moments or periods of time that you have felt missed, because I love you deeply. And I'd love to know specifically what would support you.

I guess quality time together, but like really be present, not with your phone, not with your computer.

I'm willing to put my phone away and maybe on this coming Friday, I'd set a time and I'd set a date. And then one other thing, match that— I'm speaking to you right now, Sage— match that with Peter, is there anything that would be meaningful for you? Is there anything that I can do? Is there anything that I've been blind to? I really get that you really love this man, and I'm not saying to stay with him. What I am inviting you to do is explore the love that you have for him, to explore the love that he has for you in that container, and not only him to be present, but for you to show up and lean in in a different way and fall in love for the next 90 days, or not. But both would probably feel more true in you, Laura. It's not just one of us that leans out or distracts, it takes two of us. There's a, there's an energetic dance. And so I hear that you want to make a request of that, but that really is your own prescription. Put your phone down and be with him. And notice this beautiful man that God gave you to love, and experience one another. And if you have a frustration or request, speak it from a loving place. Set some date nights. My mom and dad were always so great at always having a night a week that that was their time to be together. And sometimes it's that spontaneity that in the beginning of something, it's so natural to offer. And so that would be my recommendation.

I'd offer also that the fact that you've reached out and you felt rejected, then after a while, you don't really want to reach out. And so what happens is both parties think the other person really doesn't care as much, or, you know, or you only reach out when you're frustrated. And at that point, your voice and everything else feels like blame or might feel like nagging to him because you're hitting a threshold, right? Dave Erickson. There are 6 human needs. Needs are not just desires. These are deeper than desires. People will give up their own values to meet their needs. So what are those 6 needs real fast? We all have a need for certainty. Certainty that we can avoid pain. Certainty we can have some comfort. Certainty ideally we could have some pleasure. That's one of the human needs. It's a basic need. Now some people get certainty by doing the same thing every day. So it gives them certainty. Some people get certainty if they're all stressed out by eating, 'cause when you eat or smoke a cigarette, it changes your biochemistry. You start to breathe again. Most people under stress stop breathing or breathe shallow, right? You eat a bunch of food, ah, so now you get comfortable, you get certain, you follow me? You can get certainty by working out hard and pushing yourself and then feeling so strong in your body. So you can meet your needs in a positive way, a negative way, or a neutral way. And we all find a way to meet these needs. Now, if you're totally certain every moment of your life, you'd be bored out of your mind. So that's why we also need uncertainty, variety. Do you love surprises?

I like surprises.

How many of you love surprises out there? Make some noise, love surprises. Bullshit. You love the surprises you want. Good ones. The surprises you don't want, you call problems, right? But they make you grow, right? So we all need variety. Now, if there's too much variety, too much uncertainty, we freak out. If there's too much certainty, we're bored out of our mind. So are we supposed to find the lukewarm middle? No, you can meet both needs if you do it right. The third need is critical in a relationship, and that is the feeling of significance, the feeling of feeling special, the feeling of being needed, the feeling of being the most important thing in a person's life. In any relationship, if your partner starts feeling other things are more important than them—work, girlfriends—we all want to feel significant, especially to the one we love most. But everyone's need for significance is different. Some people feel significant by producing income for the family and think, "I'm a good provider, therefore you'll love me." Some people think, uh, you know, "The way that I'm able to be significant is I never give up." Everyone has different ways. The fourth human need is the need for love. Connection and love. We all have that need. But most people have had so much pain, like you've had, that they kind of push love away and settle for connection, 'cause connection's easier. You know, I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to get my hopes up and drop out. Can you relate to that? But when you don't put yourself on the line for love, You're not going to experience it. That's why it takes courage, and it's not always rewarded initially, but if you keep going, it can be. But everyone has different rules for what makes them feel loved. Some people feel loved because you stare into their eyes so deeply. Some people feel loved because you say, "I love you." Some people say, "I love you," all day long. Doesn't matter unless they touch you a certain way. Touch is important for you. I know it already because you felt rejected by not having touch. And his way of love might be provide for you, or his way of love might be be successful so you love me. And he actually loves you, but you're not translating it because you have different rules for that. And then the last two needs are the spiritual needs. We all need to grow or we don't feel alive. It doesn't matter who you are. You grow or you die. Your relationship's growing or it's dying. And when you grow, that sets up the sixth human need, which is we have a need to contribute beyond ourselves. That's what makes our life meaningful, is having something to give to others. So right now in your relationship, If we scored 0 to 10, how certain are you that this man loves you? 0 to 10. 10 is absolutely certain, 0 is not at all. 9. 9. Fantastic. That's why you're still there, right? Otherwise you would have left, correct?

Yes.

How much variety though do you have, 0 to 10, with him? Surprises, variety. Zero. Zero. That's where the pain is. How significant do you feel to him, 0 to 10? A 4. A 4. And how much connection and love do you feel with him? A 2. A 2. And how much growth do you associate together?

Also a 2. How much sense of contribution to one another? A 5, halfway.

Now you've got only one that's really strong, which is certainty, which is why you've stayed, because you still value certainty. But certainty also makes things predictable and therefore not alive, right? That's why a newness, a new relationship feels exciting, because you don't know what's going to happen next. It's the newness that makes that happen. Now let's switch and now put his hat on. Now your job is evaluate you through his eyes, to be fair. Okay, how much certainty do you think he has that you love him? 0 to 10, that he has.

I would also say a 9. Okay, good.

I bet that's true. How much variety do you think you provide for him? A 3. That means a 2. I saw how you did that just now, and you're laughing tells me it's true, right? You give it a little higher score to make it feel better, right? Okay, so you both are not providing much variety for each other. How significant do you think he feels that you make him feel that he is so special?

An 8. I'm always here for him. Yes.

Okay, so where would you think he would score it?

Not how you would score it. Then maybe half, in case that he doesn't really see it the way I— That's right.

How much love do you feel— do you think he feels from you in the way you express, as you've been feeling these tight feelings? And thinking about whether you should stay or not?

Probably a 3, because I have taken it back a little bit. I feel like I've— it's what you said, I've been feeling so rejected that I don't even try anymore. Like, I'm losing myself too, because it's not who I'm— I usually am. I'm very emotional and touchy and happy, and, and I haven't been myself the last few months.

Yes. And as you pull back, he's got to feel that too, right? So How much growth do you think he feels with you?

I'm not sure. We haven't spoken about future or goals or anything together. Yeah, yeah.

So probably not a lot. Remember, expectations are what kill relationship. We expect our partner to respond the way we want, but we forget that we're not either. Like, you just scored your view— his view of you very similar to yours. Both of you have certainty you love each other, but not a lot of variety. Not a strong level of significance, certain level of love, very little growth and contribution. Now, what if for 90 days— this would be my invitation for you, this would be your spiritual growth— that if you did end the relationship, you'd have no fear, that there'd be no regret, like, I did the wrong thing. Here's my advice: no less than 60 days, 90 if you're willing to do it. 60 days where you put your entire focus on being a love to him the way he wants to be loved. So we're not talking about your idea. We're saying, I, you, I, Laura, I'm going to be the best lover I've ever been for 60 days, 100%. I'm not going to think about myself. I'm going to be unselfish in every way, and I'm going to pour love into him. Like, what will make him feel more variety? What can I do to surprise him? What can I do to make him feel more significant? That he would feel significant, not that I'm doing everything. What would make him feel more loved? Like, for example, for you it's touch. Do you know what makes him feel most loved? Is it touch? Is it a look? Is it what you do for him? Is it what you say to him? What is it for him? Do you know?

Um, I believe feeling recognized for his hard work and how hard he works. That's right.

And by the way, as he's working hard right now, you've probably not been recognizing. You've probably been annoyed by it because it feels like you have no time with him, right? So the one thing that would make him feel loved, you're not doing because it doesn't match yours. So for 60 days, maybe 90, but no less than 60, I'm going to acknowledge the hell out of the way he works. I'm not going to tell him to work less. I'm going to say, I can't believe how hard you work. I love you. And you can see what he's doing and say, it's just like what you've done for me, what you've done for our family. You're amazing. You're the best at what you do. He will become your hero, and now he'll be pulled towards you as opposed to being judged for the one way he would feel loved. If you do that 60 days and he doesn't respond, and you've really truly not done what you want to do, done what he needs, I guarantee you he'll be lit up. Sage and I have this simple rule. If we got into some kind of, you know, confusion, frustration, argument, it's like immediately one of us gets sane. I come first. We both try to fight first to be the one to apologize and then to make it better. We don't wait for the other person to do it. It's like we go first. That's what leadership is. That's what love is, right? We go first. So would you be up for this 60 or 90-day challenge? Yes, thank you so much. You're gonna do it? Yes. All right, give her a hand, everybody. Give her a big hand. Thank you, Laura. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you, Laura. You're welcome.