Lost In Translation

Loss in translation. Have you ever had somebody say a statement to you only to realize that you extracted the wrong meaning from that statement? And the reason why this happens is when a statement is made and there's gaps, when there's ambiguity, we tend to fill in those gaps with expectations, past experiences, positive and negative, when they might not always be true. I think, in fact, I think most of the time, they're wrong. I was in Virginia this past week. I was visiting my friends, Tanti and Mimo. Tanti and Mimo are two friends of mine that I met while I was traveling in Singapore. They live in Virginia. So they invited me down to spend a few days with them, and I took them up on that offer. While I was down there, I got to know Tanti a little bit more, and we spent a lot of time together, and she was sharing me some of the problems, or I guess, like, issues she was having with a relationship that she was in. So on this walk that we went on, I was just kind of reaffirming to her how special she was because she wasn't giving herself enough credit. And while we were there, she cooked every meal. She was very hospitable, constantly cleaning and making sure that I was comfortable. She has this positive, fun, upbeat personality, and she's beautiful person inside and out. So as I was telling her these things and why I was so grateful, why she's so unique because of these things, that they're attributes that I don't see in a lot of people, and I have a lot of friends worldwide. She kind of rubbed them off. She goes, well, she didn't really rub them off. She goes, well, you know, I do them because I'm selfish. I said, well, what. What? What do you mean you do them because you're selfish? She goes, yeah, I do them because I'm selfish. Knowing that she probably meant something different than that because English is not her first language. She's actually from Indonesia. And so I know there's probably something lost in translation, but in order to clarify that, I asked her a different question. So Tanti loves dogs. And I know that if she could have her way, like, if she could be surrounded by a hundred dogs, she would be in heaven, she'd be ecstatic, and she would want nothing else than that would make her happy. So I asked her. I said, well, if you were surrounded by, you know, a thousand dogs, whatever the number was that I threw out there, and you were just so extremely happy just tending to these dogs, I was like, would that make you selfish? She goes, yeah, that's when I knew. I was like, okay, then I think there's. We have to tweak a word that you're using. So when she said selfish, she really meant to do it, is that she did it because that is what made her happy. And hearing selfish, like, at first, it kind of jolted my system because I heard it say, I do it because I'm selfish. I was like, wait a minute. You're not doing this because you want to. You know, you're trying to treat your guests with kindness and show your hospitality, but you're doing for selfish. So it kind of. It struck a wrong chord with me at first. But having experience with things such as this, I knew that she probably meant something else, and I was correct. So I told her. I said, you know, I think you mean that you do it because you want to, and it brings you joy, you know, because everything we do, we do for our own reasons. If I am having coffee with my father, I do that because I want to show him that I love him. I want to, you know, sit down, have a moment with him because I want to cherish those moments that we have. I do it for my reasons. Whether he is accepting to it or not has nothing to do with. But I'm doing them for my reasons. So I was trying to show her that, you know, she wasn't selfish. Like, in that. Not that she would. That that's the wrong word to use then instead, that she did it because it made her feel good. When I explained this to her, she goes, well, yeah, and it reminded me of a different story. And I apologize in advance because it's probably going to be very vague. I don't remember the exact details of the story. Happened while I was traveling in Italy. I was on one of my trips and I was talking to a girl. And I don't know if maybe I invited her out for coffee or something like that. And the response she gave me kind of like made me step back. It triggered something in me that was like a. Like a rejection. After talking to her further, like a little while afterward, I realized that the meaning I took from it was completely off. It was the wrong meaning. The reason why I got the wrong meaning was she similar to Tanti, she didn't have the correct word. She didn't know what the correct words were to express herself. So as a result of that, the meaning I took from it was something completely different. How true is that of life? I mean, every day. This is an extreme case where I'm looking at travel and there's language barriers and, and even with my friend Tanti, there's a language barrier there because English is their second language. So with that, you know, it's, you don't always know the, you don't always know what the person is really trying to say. But, and it doesn't just happen in that context. It happens when we speak to a co worker or a superior at work. It speak, it happens when we're speaking to our spouse, girlfriend, whatever it may be, because they may say something and we're creating the meaning in our mind based on the past experiences that we've had. And the meaning that we're creating might be completely off, so far off. What is the answer? How do you correct this? The correction comes from getting more clarity and the clarity comes from. Isaac Litsky in his book describes this extremely well. He says, like speaking to someone as if they're a five year old. Because what, what does that exactly, does that mean when you're a five year old, you speak explicitly, you speak with such simple words in detail that there's no possible way that the person confused what you're saying. Right? Because if you say that to a child, if you say, you know, oh, mommy, I want a cookie. All right, sure. Yeah. Can I get one out of the cookie jar? Yeah, sure. You do it in a little bit. A little bit. What is a little bit to a child? You know, he goes in, two minutes later he's in there with his hand grabs at a cookie and all sudden you get scolded because it wasn't time for him to have that cookie. But you told the child in a little bit. But if you actually say, yes, sure, after dinner, honey, he knows that, okay, I'm going to get that cookie after dinner. He knows explicitly when that action is going to happen. The same thing is that with our own lives, when we're communicating, we have to be explicit with what we are saying. And it comes by just taking on the action of speaking to a child, right? Speak that way. So when we are being, when we ask. So if someone gives us instructions, right? Or there's something that we're being told and we want to get clarity, we can ask and say, all right, well, what is it that's being, what is it? What is it that's being said? We ask ourselves. And then when you have that meaning of what's being said, the second thing is to repeat it back and get clarity, repeat it back in that same manner of being a child. Like imagine saying it to, repeating it back to another five year old, say it's simplicity. And then when you say it back, you say, okay, is this what you meant? And you ask that clarifying question for them to confirm, yes, this is exactly what I mean. And then that's it. And then you have clarity. So my question to you is, think of a time in your own life where there was that ambiguity where someone said something, you took it out of context and, and you extracted something meaning and only to realize later that they did not mean what you thought they had meant. And we all have those experiences. I have dozens of them. So think of one of those experiences. After you have one of those, I want you to then take another moment and to think of a relationship that maybe it may be in turmoil, maybe there's kind of like this, you know, you haven't spoken to someone in a while after a conversation because you felt hurt because of something they said. Take that example there. And I want you to now look at that from a different lens. Say, okay, well, what do I think they meant by what they said? Write it down. Like it really, really helps. I can't stress it enough to put this on paper. Write it down. After you write that down. Is this in alignment? Is this what the. Is this in alignment with who they are? So a lot of times we might say, okay, wow, they really hurt me by that. But if we know that person, if we know what their intentions are, most of the time they're not ill willed and it's out of character for them to say something that would hurt us. But yet we create the translation in our minds. That, wow, that was very hurtful when that wasn't their intention at all. So look at their right. The next thing write down like, is this in character with them? Is this in line with who they are? And sometimes you might say, no, it's not. Then that only reaffirms that your first initial translation of that was completely off. And the last thing is calling and taking action to repair that relationship or to seek clarity. If you go back and said, you know what, I'm sorry, this is, I want to explain something. This is the meaning I got from what you said and this is how it made me feel. Is that correct? I would say a lot of time they'd be like, well, no, why would I ever try to make you feel that way? Or even if they do, they might be like, well, yeah, you know what? I know it came out wrong. The message was there, but it didn't come out wrong. I didn't mean to make you feel bad and then the relationship is repaired after that. So that is it, guys. I just wanted to make you aware of just how we speak to one another and always to speak with explicitly, with greater clarity. So this way you can have more enriched relationships, more enriched conversations, and you don't leave any kind of space for misinterpretation for us because we all have our. We all have our crap, right? We all have our shit from our. Our past. So we don't. The last thing we want to do is bring stuff from that and bring it into the current moment and lay it on top of whatever is being said. Because a lot of time I think the people we love and the people we share our time with do have our best interests at mind and don't mean to make us feel bad. So that is it, guys. If you enjoyed this, please share it with your friends, share it with your family, share it on social media and be sure to check out the One Life Facebook group. It's One Life with Donny Rouse on Facebook. It's easy to find. Just search it in the search engine. It'll pop right up. That is it, guys. Thank you for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I will see you soon.