How to Increase the Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship With Dr. Alexandra Stockwell

This podcast is for you. The modern man. I'm Dr. Anne Truong, your host. I'm an intimate health medical doctor and best selling author of the book Erectile Dysfunction Fix. I'll do a deep dive into sexual health and performance and how it affects men of all ages and backgrounds. So let's get started and be sure to visit my website@sexualhealthformenpodcast.com for more information and resources from the show. See you on the inside. Well, hello there. Today I am so excited because we have a special guest. Her name is Dr. Alexandra Stockwell. She's a medical doctor and she is the intimate marriage expert, also known as the intimacy doctor. She specializes in showing couples how to build beautiful, long lasting, passionate relationship.

She.

She's also a bestselling author of the book Uncompromising Intimacy and host of the highly acclaimed the Intimate Marriage podcast. By the way, I just subscribed to that today as well. I'm so excited to have her here because she comes with us with, you know, having been A wife of 25 years and a mother of four, she believed the key training to passion and fulfillment, intimacy and success should not be compromised and is being unwilling to compromise. I love that, by the way, because when both partners feel free to be themselves and know how to love and be loved for exactly who they are, relationship is juicy, nourishing, and deeply satisfying. Oh, my God. After I read that, I'm like, I want that relationship and I don't know why anyone shouldn't be in that relationship. And Dr. Stockwell will get you there. So today I'm so excited to talk with her and tap into her expertise on emotional intimacy. And I didn't know what that word mean until I actually met her. And we only met each other maybe a few months ago, but I feel like we connected on such intellectual and also collegial relationship that I'm really excited to have her on the show today. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

Okay, well, thank you so much for that introduction. I feel like you and I are the yin and yang of sexual relationships because you are so brilliant and innovative and successful in handling problems, starting anatomically and physiologically and going from there. And I'm really starting at the other end of things with communication, presence and how to listen, how to share. So I really love our dance and it brings me a lot of pleasure how collaborative and mutually admiring we are of one another, given that we're looking at things in such a different lens. So I'm really excited for this conversation. I Just wanted to say that now in terms of saying something about me. Yes. So I'm a physician. I met my husband the first week of medical school. He's a physician. We both have all of that professional training. And I have done many different trainings related to relationships, communication, intimacy, sexuality. But I also want to say that a lot of what I share comes from my own personal experience. Either because I discovered it in my own relationship, or I learned about it in a training and applied it in my own relationship. It's very important for me to walk my talk. And I guess what I want to say is that our sexual relationship was not always. It wasn't the best part of our relationship for some time. And now I don't know what the best part of our relationship is, but our sexual life definitely is one of the aspects. And so, yes, there's training, there's theory, there's all kinds of things. And I'm really interested in sharing today out of my lived experience of transforming the emotional connection and sexual connection I have with my husband and doing so for hundreds of other couples. There's a way in which evidence based medicine is so important. But when we're talking about intimacy and sexuality and how we touch someone and how we are touched, I think it's also really important not to make it too clinical, but to personalize and insole it, because that's where the experience is happening.

Absolutely. And I feel that as I'm seeing men and women with sexual challenges and that even though I can, you know, restore their physical functioning again, there's still that gap of communication and building up the relationship. Having seen a lot of men with erectile dysfunction, one of the things that I see as a challenge for them is that the first time that they realize that, oh, you know, things are not working well in the bedroom, they're not talking to their partner or their wife. The first thing they talk to is Dr. Google and trying to find an answer from Dr. Google and what to do. And we both know that there's a lot of misinformation on Google. And unfortunately, the first route is not talking to the partner or even talking to the doctor, but really ordering supplements that are not validated or even ordering ED medication and going that ro. But there's no initiation of communication between the man or the woman. And I'm sure the woman have challenges too that she's not talking about it as well. So what I see is a couple that are looking opposite side and the rift is getting bigger and bigger. He's pretending that he can cover his ED issue with medication, and she knows there's something going on. So that chiasm is what we want to open it up and say, you know, and connect that again. And that is always a challenge in any marriage, particularly when it comes to sexual challenges as well, and particularly in couples that are probably mid-40s or even early-40s, you know, going into the 50s as well. So can you kind of elaborate what emotional intimacy is and how a couple can gap that communication?

Absolutely. So I want to start more broadly and just say it's a fact that the majority of couples are much more comfortable having sex than having a conversation about sex. And that is true, you know, all the way through. That's not that a couple knows how to have a conversation about sex and then they lose that ability once erectile dysfunction comes into the picture. No, that is the case already. So I guess what I want to say in this context is if you are listening and either you or your partner is experiencing erectile dysfunction, well, this conversation is for you, but if you're not, this conversation is still for you. Because, well, I'll just put it very simply. The data is very clear that couples who talk about sex, who talk about their experiences and what they want to change and how it felt, that is one of the predictors of a long lasting, healthy sex life with someone. So, like, nobody has any good reason not to continue to or begin to talk about sex. Now, how to do that? Well, let me first answer your question about emotional intimacy. The way that I think about emotional intimacy is that it's the willingness to reveal what's actually happening for you in a vulnerable way without blame or accusation. And so it's both the content of the communication, but even more so, it's how the communication is made. And I like, I want to call attention to how I'm adjusting my voice. Talking a little bit more softly like this is the tone of voice that often comes with a more vulnerable share, which then builds intimacy. So if I'm going to say, for example, I wish our sex life were better, if I'm going to say that my partner's going to feel attacked if I say it that way, I could say the exact same thing by saying, I really wish that our sex life was better. Those are the exact same scripts. But the response that you're going to get from your partner saying it the first way versus the second way are night and day. And maybe as you're listening, you don't want to get soft and slow. You don't need to do it the way that I'm modeling it. It needs to feel like it's really you who's talking. Not that you're channeling me in that conversation, but you need to do your version a little slower, a little softer, and have it feel like you're sharing something about your own experience as opposed to pointing out your partner's inadequacy.

Wow, that is very, very powerful. So just resonating the tone of your voice and even your facial features, even though the words are the same, but the delivery is totally opposite like you say. And that is very, very powerful. And I think you touched upon the next question I was gonna ask. So how do you talk about sex with that particular question? Directly, with that tone?

I just love your questions. No, do not start with what I said. I. Okay, if you are not in the habit of relatively comfortably talking about sex with your partner, then here are the ways to get started. First of all, you should both be fully clothed. Do not do this when you're about to have sex during sex. When you've just had sex. It should not be while you're naked in bed. That is just too confronting and unnecessarily so, like, there's no benefit. So when you're. Once you're like used to having conversations about sex, well, sure, you can do it as you're both lying there in the bed, either before or after, but. Or during, I suppose. But if this is new, I highly recommend that you're both dressed. You don't even need to be in the bedroom unless you need to for matters of privacy so you're not overheard. And start by saying what you appreciate, something you appreciate about your partner, about your relationship, about the life you've built together. So I'll just give an example. Like, honey, I just love you so much. It is so amazing. Like, look at where we started. And now here we are in this house with our family. You're such an amazing provider. Like, you want to say true things. I'm giving very general things, but you can get specific. You know, I just love the way you laugh. Like, no matter how I'm feeling, when you laugh in that full bodied way, I just always feel calmer and happier myself. Like, say something true. So you want. One second you want to say something that you actually do appreciate about your partner and say something positive about the relationship and then say. And there's an area that I think could be better, could be as good as the rest of what I've just said. We haven't really Talked about it before, but I wonder if you're open to hearing something and then you want to give a chance for your partner to actually say yes and opt in. You do not want to steamroll anyone on this topic, no matter how nicely you do it. And then once your partner says, okay, yeah, then say, I think. I think our sex life, it's time to put attention on it. Or I'd like to try a new position. Or I've noticed that it hasn't been as straightforward as it used to be. I think it would be good for us to talk about it. And I want to point out that I'm starting with saying to your partner that you appreciate the partner, you appreciate the relationship. Are they available to talk about sexuality? And then start with something gentle. This is not a time to say, I wish you'd get an erection or I'm sorry, I suck at having erections. Like, this is not intended to be depressing. It's hopeful because you're putting attention on it. And so when you bring it up, it's more like an invitation than a negative report card.

I love that. And the approach is everything. So would the conversation be the same coming from a man versus coming from a woman? Would the dialogue would be the same?

Yeah. So the way that I said it may well be more the way a woman would bring it up. So if we're talking a heteronormative relationship, let me say how a man might bring it up. Something like, honey, you are the love of my life. I am so glad we found one another and are together, and we have had some pretty incredible sexual experiences. Obviously, don't say it if it's not true, but if it is, go ahead. And I know that it's gotten like. It's. My body's changing, and I'd like to be able to talk about it. In other words, be. You don't try to be somebody else. But the important principle is start with letting your partner know that you're glad to be in relationship with them, that the reason you're bringing this up is so things can be better. You're not bringing it up because things are bad and you're just acknowledging it.

Yeah, that's. I, I like that approach. And I love the way your tone is. And as. As audience, as you're listening to this, you know, copy that tone word for word, because that. That is very powerful. And, and the way you say is like, it's just the, the, the. The. Just the body language and the tone is so powerful.

So I Just want to add one more thing, which is, sure, you know, it's fine to say, I want to have a conversation that we probably should have had a while ago. It's super awkward, but I think it's going to be worth it.

And how do you encourage the person in a relationship to get that courage to broach that subject? Because it's very uncomfortable, and you always. You're afraid that, oh, my God, you know, my partner or my spouse is gonna resent it, and it's gonn come into a fight. How do you get that courage to start that conversation?

Well, first of all, the key to this working is setting it up right? Because everything that I've said so far is about setting it up so that it's more likely to be successful. That can bring courage, just knowing that. Second of all, you need to do what's going to work for you. So maybe you send a text and say, I want to discuss something. I feel really nervous about having the conversation, but I'd love if we could talk tonight or just like, I'm giving techniques. But the bottom line is that if you care about your sex life, then find a way to have a positive, productive conversation about it. Because even if you don't become a patient of Dr. Truong. Did I say your name correctly? I guess I know your first name better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you said it correctly.

Okay. Even if you're not, which you should, obviously, if you have erectile dysfunction issues, but even if you were not going to, and you did nothing differently, your sex life is going to be simpler and feel better to both of you if you have this conversation. So if you're a more analytical person, do the cost benefit analysis and let that be the way to find the courage.

Wow. So how do you create intimacy? Emotional intimacy? How do you create that?

So in my book, which you told me to bring a copy, so here it is. Uncompromising intimacy. I spell out in detail the six keys to creating emotional intimacy, and they are to cultivate curiosity, embrace honesty, embrace be kind, choose happiness, take responsibility, and seek growth. So I did want to name them all, but I want to really focus on cultivating curiosity. Because if you think of the experience of feeling in love, it is a time where you have so much curiosity. You have attention on your partner, and you want to know, where does that scar come from? What kind of vegetables did he or she like to eat? Like, what were your dreams for the future? How would you define success? Like, what countries have you traveled to? What kind of wine do you like to drink, like, we just have loads of questions in order to get to know our partner better. That is part of the experience of feeling in love. And then we're together, things become more routine, things feel really safe and secure and we naturally put our attention on other responsibilities. And that comfort and focusing on other things is fine, except that there's a cost to it because individual human beings continue to grow and evolve and have new experiences, new perspectives. And so things feel distant if you don't actually continue to get to know one another. It's not that you get to know one another at the beginning of the relationship and then you're all set. Not if you want to experience emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy comes from being interested in who your partner is and who they are becoming, also revealing who you are and who you are becoming. So the very simplest thing to do as a next step to having more emotional intimacy is to ask open ended questions.

Meaning, and you need to do this even though you marry for like 20 plus years. Even more. So it's not just the beginning of the relationship, right?

Absolutely. In fact, people who hear me say this at the beginning of the relationship, they're like, what are you talking about? Like, they already have so many questions because they're in that phase. But no, this is really powerful after 15, 20, 35, 45 years of marriage to just turn to your partner and say, what was the most challenging part of this week for you? Or if you could be president of any country, which one would you choose and what policies would you implement? Or if you could have dinner with a celebrity, alive or dead, who would it be and what would you ask? In other words, the questions, they can be spiritual, they can be humorous, they can be deep and serious, like whatever fits the culture of your relationship and whatever you're genuinely curious about. But the point is to ask an open ended question. And what defines an open ended question is that there's no right or wrong answer. Like, whatever your partner shares is just him or her sharing the truth of what lives in their soul versus a closed question where, like, what time are you going to pick up the kids tomorrow? There is a definitive correct answer. Four o'. Clock. Okay, there's nowhere to go with that question. But if it's, you know, what do you, what do you daydream about these days? Or what music or podcasts are you listening to on your commute? Now, if you haven't been in the car with them on the commute for 10 years, you don't know the answer unless you ask Unless it's something that they've been telling you, in which case ask a different question.

Right. What I find challenging, you know, men are not, you know, they're not usually, you know, open to those type of, you know, questions. I mean, I can just say from my, from my husband, you know, he, when we have, you know, difficult conversation, it's hard for him to kind of express how he feels. You know, men are taught when they're younger to suppress their emotion, their vulnerability and as they're grown up is just innate in them. So how do you get a man to open conversation into open ended vulnerability questions like that?

Yeah, so if you're a woman and you're asking your husband, he may not answer right away. And so just let it go, don't be annoying and ask again the next day. Like it can take some time to thought and warm it up. And I think it's really helpful to keep in mind exactly what you just said, which is that men are conditioned not to share their emotions. High performing women are too, but it's a little bit of a different situation. But anyway, women, men are like, by five or six years old, men already are. Boys are less expressive. It's part of the societal conditioning. Even if in any particular family it's not that way. So it's important to keep that in mind. It's also important to keep in mind that probably related to what I just said, that it's been documented that it takes men longer to actually have the answer or the awareness of a response to an emotional question. So asking like, what celebrity would you like to have dinner with? Maybe they take some time, but maybe they just know right away. But if it's like, how are you feeling now? Or what really bothers you about that, you know, any kind of more emotionally deep question you want to give the man more time to respond. Like, I have seen this when I'm coaching couples where I'll ask him a question and he doesn't have an answer right away. And so he might say, I'll get back to you about that. And I'll say, no, it's okay, we can wait. And sometimes the wait is long because man is just not used to going inside to finding the truth. But it doesn't mean it's not there, it just means it takes longer. And I really am emphasizing this both so that any man listening can understand and be compassionate and not think it's some kind of a failure, but even more so that women don't interpret it as a lack of interest or Rejection of them, or like, we can make it mean all kinds of things about what's wrong with the man, what he thinks is wrong with us, what's wrong with our communication. And if he really cared, he would tell me. But that is really not true. That's just what we're making up. Because if I asked a woman that question, she would be able to answer it more rapidly. But that does not create moral superiority. If what you want is emotional intimacy, you just need to find the compassion to give it time to thaw in order for the answer to come. But if you are impatient or judgmental, it makes it harder for that answer to come. So my main. I just wanted to give, like, all the context to then say that. My recommendation is just be patient, and if it's not going to come today, ask a different question tomorrow.

And don't. And don't take it personal. If he can't come with. Come out with an answer or something that, you know is. Maybe it takes him time to process.

That's right. It takes time to process. And it's not fundamentally about you. And I'll just add that it's often simpler to ask questions which are like asking for a memory, like, when did you last feel really happy? It's sometimes easier to answer that question than some more complex question. And this is very different than asking for intellectual opinions. If you ask for intellectual opinions, that does not create more emotional intimacy. And actually, I want to add, maybe some listeners will have heard of this. I don't know if it's familiar to you, that years ago there was an article published in the New York Times. I think it was. I forget the exact title. Something like 36 Questions to Ask someone you want to fall in love with. I don't think that's the title, but basically that couples who go through these 36 questions, and it's really exactly what we're talking about, because it creates emotional intimacy that a couple that goes through those questions either knows they don't want to be together anymore or they feel more in love and more connected.

Oh, wow. We have to find that those questions will be interesting. Oh, do you? Oh, okay. That would be great. And also for listeners, I'll put the link to your book as well to your podcast in the show notes as well, too. And I wanted to ask a question. I did think of telling a story about my patient, and I hear this more common than not. Is that. So the man has Ed. He come to see me, and I restore his functioning again. But he's had ED for maybe five to 10 years. And during that time, his wife or his partner had gotten used to infrequency or no intercourse at all. Then he. Now he's getting functioning back, but then he's like, wanting to connect with her physically. And she said, no, I am not interested. You know, we haven't had any activity in a while. I'm fine with that. And, you know, yeah, that's it. And my patient would go, well, what do I do? You know, how do I approach this? Because, you know, because at that time, she's in her 50s too, and she's probably going to menopause issues as well, the physical discomfort, vaginal dryness and urinary incontinence and those other stuff. So she's probably kind of happy that, you know, she doesn't have to deal with it. But both you and I know that physical connection and sexuality and emotional connection is critical to relationship and could be restored until, you know, the day you die. Right. So how you suggest a man, you know, would talk to be able to talk to his partner and then kind of seeing. So that way she can see where he's coming from.

Yeah. Well, I think that whole scenario happens as a result of many misconceptions in society. And honestly by many doctors as well. I'm always very cautious when I say that, something like that. But it's true that in medicine we understand sexual function, but we don't understand sexuality as well as maybe one day we will. So I say that because, first of all, if you're in the situation where you have ED and it hasn't been healed and resolved yet, that is not a reason to be having less sex with your partner. Because if you think you need a long enough strong erection in order for sexual pleasure to happen, you are misinformed. That is based on an understanding that the way orgasms happen is there's some foreplay, there's a build, and there's ejaculation, and then there's a refractory period. And that is definitely how many men experience their sexuality and orgasms and how some women do. But it is not fundamentally the. The way orgasm works in female bodies. Like, we've learned that from Masters and Johnson. That's the curve we see if we're lucky enough to have a sex ed class. But orgasm and pleasure is so much more nuanced, sophisticated, and intricate. So for a couple where he can't contribute, let's say, a strong erection, then put your attention on sensual pleasure versus sexual pleasure. I happen to Think they're very connected, but I'm just distinguishing them for ease of clarity in this conversation. So learn to touch her in ways that feel really good. With your hands, with your body, with your mouth. Like, vary the pressure, the pace, the speed. You can use different oils for different massages. Like there, there are ways to make love without penetrative intercourse that bring a tremendous amount of pleasure. Is it the same thing as an intercourse based lovemaking session? No, it's not. Is it really fulfilling? Does it get the oxytocin going? Does it create emotional intimacy? Does it make the relationship more vibrant? Absolutely. Are you able to touch her in ways that she thoroughly enjoys and experiences an orgasm without having an erection? Well, if the answer is no, focus on learning how so that when you go to Dr. Truong and you get your ED handled, you just continue on where you left off. Now, if you haven't done that, which is the situation you described, and you just have focused on the ed, well, I recommend the same thing. Learn to be affectionate in a way that she enjoys. And honestly, you don't need to start in the bedroom. Learn when you hold her hand, how much pressure she likes. Like if it gets too sweaty, when does she pull her hand away? If you put your arm around her, does she like it firm or just really gentle so she just feels the contact but you're not actually supporting her? If you kiss the back of her neck, does she like it to just feel like, you know, hummingbird has landed there, like a breeze? Does she like it more passionate? Sorry. Does she like it more passionate? Learn to be a wonderful lover in using all of the senses and all of your body like different parts of your body. Maybe she responds to scent, to smell. Or maybe she really would like it if you'd have flowers and a candle burning in the bedroom. But don't make it mean that therefore there's going to be penetrative sex. That's not how that works. Your purpose is to give her a beautiful experience that helps her open. Maybe you have flowers and a candle and a beautiful scent and then you read love poetry or you have a playlist that you listen to. Like it depends on the couple and what they're into. Maybe you then watch a movie. The point is, have it be exciting and sensual to be together. Because as I often say, when you're in a long term committed relationship, anything that isn't sex functions as foreplay. And so how you're interacting, tone of voice, being helpful, conflict, buying flowers, giving compliments, giving criticism, like however it is that you're showing up, it's either making it more appealing to have a romantic evening or less appealing. And not that any single interaction is going to determine whether or not you have sex, but it adds up. So essentially what I'm saying is become a great attentive lover during the day when you're not having sex. That will increase your chances of having the sex you want.

Oh, absolutely. I really thoroughly enjoy that. And I tell my patient the same thing that, you know, you don't have to have penetrative intimacy to have sex. There are many ways to give pleasure to a woman without that. And also told them that, you know, the clitoris is for a woman, it's a purely pleasure organ. It has no other function than giving the woman pleasure. And like you said, you know, using the senses or the eyes, the smell, the taste, the visual as well as hearing to stimulate that. Because the brain is the largest sexual organ. You know, we process all those senses and then it goes to the brain, and then the brain will stimulate all these domino effects to, you know, organ that below the belt. But if it doesn't start here, it's not going to go anywhere. And in fact, that's the first thing I tell my patient that realize that the brain is the largest sexual organs, and we're going to fix you and restore you physically down there. You're going to have to work on this part, the brain, and realize that, hey, it can be restored, but you have to unravel and unglue all these layers that you've had over the years of what you think about sexual functioning and intimacy.

I just want to say one thing, because I completely agree in terms of learning how to touch the clitoris in a way that is delicious. Like, there's so much sexual technique that can be learned. But what I was speaking about really, was to address the couple where the woman doesn't even want to get naked together. Like, she's saying, no, I don't need that activity. I'm talking about, like, what I've said so far is to have her be more interested in actually having sex together. And then once you're having sex together, you really do need to learn your wife's anatomy just about as well as you know your own in order for both of you to have a really great time. Now, I don't think it's a man's responsibility to know a woman's anatomy better than she knows it herself. But if it's the man who's motivated to have sex, he's the one who should get more education in order for her to re. Engage and open up.

Right. And I, and I second that is that the woman should know her body as much as really she should own it and show the man what are her pleasure center as well. And vice versa is just that the man, you know, his sexual organ is in front of him. He uses it every day. You know, because for a man that sexual function you can also use to urinate. You can also how he, you know, ejaculate. So it's there but for a woman is. It's not visible and you know, we've been conditioned or younger that, you know, that's not an area that you know, that your parents will teach you. You know, where you know, you know things are. You kind of learn on your own. So the, when you mentioned that, you know, I was, there was something that I thought of was that for a couple, especially for a woman that has no interest in physical intimacy with her husband, it's because she's not enjoying it, right? Because she's not enjoying it. It's not something fun. And so it may just be that she's not interested. But if you make it more interesting, like you say it, she'll be more ready for it. Next time I call her like if, if she goes to a party and she had fun, then she wants to come back to the party more often she goes to the party and it's not working, it's boring. Who wants to go to the, to the party again? Right?

Yeah. It's helpful to think about it with libido or desire that we have intrinsic desire and responsive desire. So intrinsic desire is when this is true of men too. But anyway, a woman just, she just wants it and so there it is. But more often with the passage of time, we need responsive desire to inspire us. And responsive desire means that the desire arises in response to what is happening in the environment. So everything that I said earlier about how you can honor your woman's sense experiences and find the right thing. Is it bringing flowers? Is it, you know, I don't know, cleaning the kitchen? It's going to depend for each woman what is really the way to. Not to her heart, but to her genitals. Let's just say. But all of that is in the context of the principle of responsive desire. In other words, you make the environment such that she responds with. With desire.

Very well put, Very well put. So can you give us some tools on how to un. Unstick themselves so that way that some actionable Item?

Yes. So do you want me to focus on what a man can do or on what a woman can do?

How about both?

Okay. All right. So I'm going to start with a woman. So if you want to be having more sex or more pleasurable sex and you're not, the thing to do is start by having more sensuality in your life on your own. So I often coach women to really take care when they wash their face in the morning. Many women are used to washing their face as though it's like a kitchen counter. You just scrub it off and accomplish the function of having a clean face. I recommend that you make it a sensual experience. It doesn't take any longer. When you have a cup of coffee, take the time to feel the weight of the coffee in the mug, how it feels in your hand, how it smells, what it feels like as you put the mug to your lip. Because, you know, we have, we all have a favorite mug. Like, we like different sensations. The point is to be more alive in your sense experiences, which means not always being in our head, not being shut down, not being focused on our to do list, but to really literally stop and smell the flowers. Because when we take the time and bring our attention to what our bodies are experiencing, we breathe more deeply and any kiss we may enjoy, we're going to enjoy so much more when we are actually feeling our sensual experiences. So I think this is of great benefit. Even if you don't want to have more sex, like, you don't need to be so goal oriented. Just do this because it's lovely when you're sitting outside and you feel the sun on your face. Like, enjoy how that feels. Choose what textures you're using. When you do you want silk on your skin. Today, do you want cotton? Like, just pay more attention because when you do, then in the bedroom, you're going to be more available and enjoy it as well. But what I'm saying is good for its own purposes, it's not only a means to an end. Now, for a man who wants his woman to be available for more sex, that's the context, right?

Yeah.

Okay. The key, the secret sauce, the magic weapon, is his attention. When he gives attention to her and it feels good and he does it well, she will respond. So what that's going to look like, it's going to depend on the couple, on the man, and on the woman and their dynamic. But maybe it means buying flowers, maybe it means making the bed in the morning. Maybe it means just every day noticing something about what she's wearing or how she does her hair or which earrings she's wearing and comment on it. And yes, it can be a compliment, but it doesn't even need to be a compliment. It can just be an indication that you've brought your attention to her and you care. So, for example, a compliment might be, your dress looks pretty today. That's good. But it can actually be even more powerful to say, I notice you're wearing your hair differently. It's like, sure, and it looks good. You know, you can make it a compliment, but it's really that when a woman feels seen and appreciated for who she is, that she's more available for whatever comes next. So these are the actionable tools. And I want to say one more thing, which is that I really deeply believe and see confirmed every day that having a fantastic relationship is a learnable skill. And so I spend my days coaching couples or in my online program, the Aligned and Hot Marriage Program, giving very systematic, simple, easily implemented tools to create emotional intimacy. It's not just some mysterious thing. In fact, it used to be. And my husband would say to me, because he wanted to have a good relationship, he'd say, I just wish there was a manual for how to be successful with you. And I never actually wrote the manual, but years later, I feel like, oh, yes, I can tell him in the language that he needs it how to be present for me. Now, if you're listening, do not expect your wife is going to do that, but just know that you can learn it. It's not some mysterious black box. It's about learning how to bring your attention and convey that in a way that feels good to both of you.

Absolutely. I mean, if you care about restoring your relationship again with your wife or your partner, then, you know, take that initial step. And what I find interesting is when I meet the wife, my patient that had ed, they're very, very supportive, in fact, that, you know, they just said, you know, I, you know, whether he has an erection or not doesn't really matter. You know, I love him and our relationship is important to us, but hey, if we can have that intimacy, the more better. And so she, you know, I want the men to listen to this, that sometimes from a woman perspective, she there for you, and she wants to be supportive of you, and she doesn't think less of you in any way. She just wants. She just, she probably doesn't want to bring it up because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or have it interpreted, you know, in the wrong way.

Yeah, actually, with My clients, I see two different scenarios. One is where he's so concerned about his performance and not disappointing her that he seeks out treatment for ED before he even has ed because he's just so concerned that it might be a problem. That's really not helpful. It is more helpful to learn how to be present and experience things. Because rather than just like having a big erection because you've taken a pill, but it's not. Anyway, I'll just leave that there.

Yeah, no, I, I, I, I'm glad you elaborate on that, because from my experience in treating men with ed, when they first realized they have ed, they should really look at, okay, what are the root cause? Why am I having ED instead of trying to take a medication for ed? It's almost like, oh, I have chest pain. I'm just going to Google and see what medication I can take for my chest pain. Hopefully it will go away. You know, I don't really care what it's due to. Right, yes, exactly.

So if you're googling ed, then because you have questions, that's the time to ask a professional rather than like, piece together some weird treatment yourself. That's on the one hand. And on the other hand, I see couples where he's so embarrassed and full of shame and like, it's really simpler to just ignore it. And she wants him to get treatment for ed. They love one another. She knows that their sex life doesn't need to suffer, but it does because it sometimes takes years and years for him to be willing to get treatment. And in both of those situations, it's not helpful. If you have questions, then go see a professional and don't delay it. For shame. And don't try to figure it out yourself. For shame.

Right. And that why we're talking, because it all can be resolved. And in my opinion, with ED, the important part, 67% of men do not know they have ED, when in fact they do have ED. But the point I was trying to stress is that ED can actually be reversed without medication. If you know you have ED in the beginning, it can be reversed with lifestyle changes such as sleeping adequately, take seven hours every night, eating a healthy diet, like a Mediterranean diet, exercise, you know, three times a week, open communication with your partner or your wife, and also just de stress, just these simple things like that will actually restore functioning again. But we neglect that, we neglect those simple little step, which is really the depth, really to have a heart, healthy heart as well too. And that had been my passion in that, you know, when you have ed, you can actually, if you know the seek the right person is to start with those simple steps and you can actually start reversing the symptom as well. And in fact, I see in my patient where I'll see a man and he'll just have mild ed, and I say, well, let's start doing a weight loss program. Let's change your diet, let's exercise some more, let's get more sleep. Let and, you know, de stress yourself. You know, he comes back six weeks later. You know, he'll lose 20 pounds. He said, you know what? You're right. You know, it's working again. You know, I'm able to have morning erection now, you know, and I haven't had a morning erection in like two years. I'm now having morning erection and I don't need that little blue pill because the first thing that is the hardest for my patient is that you don't need that little blue pill. That little blue pill is sucking away your confidence, sucking away your manhood. And then he comes back and said, you know, I don't need that little blue pill. I'm having some morning erection. It could be better. And that's when we start having conversations about, well, how can we restore, you know, his erection again to, you know, fully functioning again? And, you know, we talk about the different treatment that we have available, but the point is look at the cause of the problem. And same thing for the woman, too, if she's having, you know, physical discomfort down there. There are easy fixes, as you know, in creams and hormone replacement that can, you know, make it definitely more. Enjoy more enjoyment in that physical intimacy again. So I am so glad that we get to spend time together today. And I've actually learned a lot from. From you as well. And I'm actually going to tomorrow when I'm washing my face, I'm going to take my time and cherishing and noticing the. The sensation because I'm usually okay in the morning. Wash my face real quick, get ready to go to work, you know, and drink my cup of coffee.

Is when you just have a little bit of loveliness.

Absolutely. That's gonna be a to do list tomorrow. And then when I'm enjoying my cup of coffee, I'm gonna take some time out and try to savor what that's like instead of just, oh, this cup of coffee. Wake me up here. So how do. How do our listener find you and connect with you? Dr. Stockwell?

Find me@Alexandra Stockwell.com and from there you can follow me on social media. If you do that, you can find my podcast and my programs and if you want to work with me and you also have an opportunity on my website to sign up for my newsletter. And I send emails with tips and tools and not necessarily about erectile dysfunction, but about how to have a better relationship.

Well, ultimately in the end, you know, for a man and a woman is not about that sexuality, but to have that meaningful relationship. Right. Emotionally as well as physically. And that's what both you and I do very well at this point. So I will put all the link to her website and her podcast in the show note and I appreciate you and thank you for being on the show. We'll see you next time.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thanks for listening to the Sexual Health for Men podcast. If you love this episode, then please take a screenshot on your phone and post it on Facebook, Instagram or wherever you post. And be sure to tag me and let me know why you like this episode and what you like to hear in the future. That will help me know what's great for you. And I would love to give you the most incredible free gift design to help you improve performance quickly. Go to my website@sexualhealthformenpodcast.com to get the book the Five Common Costly Mistakes Men Make When Facing Ed. I would appreciate if you subscribe, leave a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen and just know that you can have sexual vitality for life. I appreciate you. Until next time.