Porn Addiction and ED: An Action Plan for Moving Beyond Pornography, with Roman Miranov

Well, hello there. I'm Dr. Ann Truong. We are here today with Roman Mironoff, who has recovered from porn addiction. And today we're going to hear his journey on how he did it and why he's here talking with us and sharing his incredible story. So, Roman, welcome to the podcast.

Hi. Hi, Dr. Ann. Thank you for having me.

That's great. Thank you for being here. Let's dive into your story. How did you get addicted to porn? How old were you and how did you discover it?

Well, I'm 40, so I discovered it when I was 14, so it was quite back in the day. And actually my friend introduced me to it. He found this VHS tape, this old thing that his parents were hiding. And so he started showing this VHS tape to everyone he knew. And I was, I think I was in the third batch of people coming to his place and watching it. I watched it. I felt very excited. And from then on, basically I knew that, like, this was my sex because at that point I was super shy. I lacked confidence. And even though I wanted to have a girlfriend, I thought that there was no way I could get it, because one thing that I felt that was kind of paranoia, but I was actually shy because of my parents. I did not want my parents to know anything about, let's say, a girl I was talking to. So I would go to a summer camp and I would actually socialize with a girl there. But when I came back home, I would be scared of actually continuing talking to her because I was super shy because of my parents. I did not want them to know it. So from then on, porn just became my sex. I knew it wasn't the real thing.

How old were you then? You were how old when you first started watching porns on the VHS?

14.

Okay, 14. So what you were saying is that porn give you a way to not socialize. Is that what. What was really what got you interested in porn?

No, my interest was driven by my sexual urge.

Okay, yeah, well, at 14, your testosterone level right then it got skyrocketing at that time, and I can certainly see that. But you, you mentioned about not. Not being with your parents. How does that connection with the parents and, and. And trying to meet girls tie in with porn?

Okay, I wanted to meet girls, but I couldn't because I was afraid of what my parents would think. So I said to myself, the only sex that I can have, and I would be hiding it from my parents just like I would be hiding the real sex potential, real sex that I could have had with A girlfriend. But this thing I could really hide. And then it became my. My only sex for. For a few years.

Right. So what, so at that time you started watching. What's. At 14? How were you able to get access to porn?

Just like I said, my friend introduced me to it. He found a vhs.

All right, so it's just through vhs. It wasn't streaming. It wasn't. It wasn't. I mean, you didn't have money. You probably couldn't subscribe to anything. It's just through VHS tape that you watch in your room.

At that point, at 14, it was. I did not have even a VHS player. So I would just go to my friend's place and watch it there. And later, yes, I got my own VHS tape. Hooray. Hooray. And that's it. At that point, there was no word streaming. I'm old.

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, like I said. So you're. That was 26 years ago then, right? So that definitely no screaming at that time. So at that time was VHS and Playboy magazine, you know. You know, or dvd. I don't know what DVD came out, but it's really, you know, so it's actually harder to. I get access at that time versus now when, you know, you're able to get access to streaming. So you started at about the age of 14 and. And what satisfaction. What, what, what, what replacement did it do for you? What really drive you to really consume porn more and more?

I wanted it. I wanted it. And I wanted to have sex. I had those huge sexual urges, and I had no other outlet for those urges other than watching porn. And then I. I kind of started to like it. I kind of like the action because there was variety in it. All this kind of newness, new scenes. And they were beautiful, beautiful actresses that I. I became so addictive. So even sometimes I thought that even though I like a girl and I. I would actually fall in love with a girl, but I would sometimes think, actually, probably the porn sex is better than the real sex. Because with porn sex, I can. I mean, I can. I can have sex, like with different actresses in my mind when I'm watching them doing the action.

Right, right. And you. And how. And every time you watch porn, you masturbate?

Let me think. Yes.

And how many times. How many times would you do that at each time you watch it?

Well, look, it was different because I was addicted to porn from 14 to 31, 17 years. And I mean, at worst, I would do it, let's say, for. For a maximum of two Hours per day.

Mm, right. So then for two hours a day you would watch the porn and, and you would masturbate like once or, you know, many times within those two hour time span.

I would say, I'm not a huge masturbator. When, when I do it once, I usually feel that this is enough for me because I, I get this ejaculation hangover and I, I'm tired and sometimes I would even feel some pain in my prostate. So I'm, I'm not a huge fan. But sometimes I would go to three times. But when, and, and that's why when some people reach out to me and they say that, oh, I masturbate 10 times a day, I tell them, look, I think you're blessed you're so strong because, because it takes a lot of stamina to do this kind of work. So now you only need to re channel that energy into something productive.

Gotcha. Okay, so how, so you did, you were, you were addicted to porn from, for 17 years. And how did that affect your work?

Oh, where do I start? I mean, it held me back a lot when, when I was, I was around 20, 23, 22. 23, 22, when I started my business, my first business, a translation agency. And I would say that I wasn't, I mean, it's still active, it's still, it still does pretty good business. But, but I think it's at 2% of what it could have been. And a huge reason, a huge barrier that was holding me back was actually watching porn and masturbation. Because at times, actually quite a lot of times what I would do is instead of doing my work, I would watch porn and masturbate. And I would miss deadlines. And then a lot of colleagues who were supposed to work after me, they would suffer and we would miss the deadline with a client. And that, that was one thing with projects, but I, I, I didn't do any marketing at all. So porn is like that band, a rubber band that's holding you. And I was trying to get rid of it and I never could until I literally destroyed my life.

Well, what, What? You also got married. How did that go?

Okay, I would say this. I got married by sheer luck because I did not, I did not have social skills. I was a bad conversationalist. I would not, I would not know how to listen. All I wanted was just to speak my mind, say what the other person has to do, because I thought that I was smarter whenever I talked, including my wife. So I got married. I never knew how to Treat her well. I never knew how to be engaged in the relationship. I never knew how to have deep conversations with her. She got fed up. And by the way, one huge reason for that was me watching porn and masturbating and then actually going to my wife and telling her, let's do it together. Let's watch a movie. Let's do the same thing that those guys are doing on the screen. Let's, let's watch them having fake sex and then have our own fake sex. So all, all of this led me to the point where my wife had enough and she divorced me.

Now, did she had enough of, you know, she said, well, I'm not doing that on the screen, or did she just have enough inside? I am not sharing you with porn. You, you know, you're, you're consumed with this. You're not here enough for me. What was a combination of both?

Yeah, that's a good question, because she actually never said anything to me. She just filed for divorce silently.

Interesting.

On a more serious note, porn was contributing to the problem, but porn was not the direct, the direct reason. No, it was making me, it was making me stupid. It was making me completely disengaged from my family and from what I should be doing as a husband and as a partner in a relationship. I, I, I just, I wasn't a good partner, and that's why she divorced me. Not directly because of what?

Porn? No, I, I, I hear it. I mean, indirectly. Yeah. So what, what, what, what did watching porn give you? Why, why was it so addicting, satisfying for 17 years? What does it give you? And you know in your mind that it was, that it was not real. But what does it give you?

Okay, okay, I would say this. So there were two, two stages. At the first stage, before I, I had a girlfriend, what it gave me was sex. That was the only sex I could have, and that was different. So I had a sexual urge, and then I would realize that sexual urge by watching porn and masturbating. But after I got married, after, and I had a girlfriend, I was doing it basically for newness. I, I got bored of my real sex. I, I was bored in my work in general. At, at some point in my life, I was depressed. So I would use now porn as a coping mechanism for all those negative feelings that I, that I was feeling newness, I mean, feeling bored with my sex, boredom in general, and depression.

So it was giving you an outlet for those feelings. And, you know, it was kind of like becoming your crutch where you're able to kind of like, hey, you know, I'm familiar with this since I was 14. Yeah, I'm. I'm gonna go back to this. This little. This safe place and. And you know, it aff work productivity as well as, you know, affecting your marriage. Like you said, your wife just filed divorce, never really talked to you about. And just. And file a divorce. So what. What other things that porn affected besides from your work and your. Your wife? How about your parents and your friends?

Look, I think it's the same. There was no direct influence of porn on my. On how I was with my parents and friends. It's. It's. It's the combination. But definitely porn contributed to me not being social enough. And one reason was that I was hiding the secret. I felt that something was wrong with me. And look, and this translates into not being confident in your daily conversations, because I would be talking to someone, let's say a friend or my mother, and I would be thinking about this all the time. Yeah, I had this guilt and shame because I was hiding. I'm a man, and I'm supposed to have integrity, but I don't. And that was. I was coming across like a weak person and someone who is disengaged from the communication. That's. That's not healthy. That's not good for developing relationships with people.

Right, but. So you knew you had this guilt that says, hey, I'm watching porn. I know it's not good. But you have. You have that guilt, but you still continue to see it because it would get kind of like your comfort zone. And so what. What, what. What was the epiphany? What was the trigger that finally said, roman, you need to do something. What was the trigger?

God talked to me that day. No, I'm kidding. So my wife divorced me. At that point, I told myself, okay, there are two paths in front of me. One path is me continuing down the same road, watching porn, not being social, never getting a girlfriend, because at that point, I was 32. And look, now it was more difficult for me to get a girlfriend compared to when I was 20. At 20, it was hard. At 32, it was. It was a super challenge. Now, the second thing was that the second path would be to actually stop it, watching it, and use my sexual energy, my sexual urge to push me to get a girlfriend. And that was one of the best decisions in my life, because I said, no, I will not go the first path because I don't want that. I don't want. Because I. I was 32. I started to feel as a creep. I'm 32, I have a son, I have an ex wife. I'm supposed to be a mature guy, maybe a role model to some people, a leader. But instead I'm watching porn and hiding. I felt like a creep. So instead of that, I chose to put myself out there, learn about relationship skills, build my skills socially, and finally I got a girlfriend.

Right, but you had to quit porn first before you started building relationship skills. Was that, was that the first day? So did you go cold turkey?

No, I did not go cold turkey because I prefer chicken. But I did it with small steps. I call it small wins. So I would say I would set a streak for myself for a couple of days. No watching porn, no masturbation. I would hit the goal, let's say five days. And then I would relapse consciously without porn. No porn. I think porn is the culprit. And then I would feel proud, actually, because that relapse was of my own making. And then I would say, now go to seven days. And I kept building my streak like this.

Now, did you had point induced ed?

No. No. I think I've been lucky with this because I was so horny all the time, even though I was born. So when I got to sex, whether it was with my wife, now ex wife, and then with my girlfriends down the road, I would never have that problem. I, you know, I, I would, whenever I had a new partner, I would have some anxiety and I think it's normal, but I would just break from, from it. And it was never an erectile dysfunction in itself.

Good, I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad to hear because we, we're now seeing a rise in porn induced ED in younger men. And I'm glad to hear that you don't have that at this point. So, you know, you just, you decided you. Was it a one day epiphany or was it kind of a gradual thing that you said, all right, I'm just gonna stop for a couple of days? What was it just like a, like I said, an idea or, you know, was it something that it kind of like take you months to get into?

Yeah, I would say it was gradual. I don't remember any kind of epiphany. I, I knew I had to do this, but I had to take time to build my motivation to do it and to actually build my no fat battle plan to do it.

Yeah. Now what, what was your, what was the hardest struggle during that time when you were trying to quit porn? What was the hardest part?

The hardest. My erection.

Huh, Right.

Yeah.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

Well, that was a joke.

Yeah, I didn't get the joke editor. Can you just kind of cut that out? That last thing about my. What was the hardest part in my erection? I didn't get that joke. So let's cut that out. All right, let me ask you this question again. All right.

Can I say the joke again?

Yeah. No, no, I don't want that joke on that. No. All right, I'm gonna ask you the question again. So I want you to start to cut on this part. So. Okay, so what was the hardest part as you were trying to stop porn?

The hardest part, I think, was this habit, this habit that I had built over the previous 17 years because I taught myself that whenever I feel bored or depressed, I have this medication. So I built a synaptic pathway in my brain between these two things, and I literally had to, because I did it so many times. It was super strong. And breaking such a strong habit is usually super difficult. So I had to hack and hack and cut and cut this pathway so many times and exert so much willpower that I think, yeah, that was the biggest challenge.

All right, so it's really willpower. So the hardest struggle is to fight within yourself at the willpower to keep on doing this every day.

Yeah, that's one of the big things. I think when it comes to becoming porn free, there could be different challenges. But in my case, there was one challenge. I think that with a lot of people, what they don't realize is that they want a quick solution like, you know, get rich, quick scheme, and there is none. They really need to have a solid strategy plus commitment. I think this, this is the main reason that holds people back a lot. They don't find a strategy or they find it and they don't commit to it just like this. And they prefer to stay victims for a very long time. Because, yeah, you know, it's a comfort zone. Even though that it's. It's painful kind of, but we got used to it and we just. It's easier to continue saying that. Ah, yeah, I'm. I'm a victim of the porn industry. They. They take advantage of me and not taking the responsibility and saying that actually that's me watching porn and I'm going to stop because that is difficult. Staying in that comfort zone and having that excuse and rationalization is so, so much easier.

Well, the, The. Your, you know, your brain 95 of the time wants to stay to do the same thing over and over. Your brain doesn't like change. It's only 5. So if you want change, it's only 5% of your brain that have to will the other 95% to say, I'm changing this. So you're, you're actually in a very small minority when you want change. But there's that willpower and said, I'm, I'm going to control this 95% of my brain. Because your brain is also always wired to protect you, to put you in the most comfortable place. So when you try to get out of your boundaries, that's why it's so hard. That's why, you know, stopping porn is hard. That's why losing weight is hard, right? Setting a new goal is hard because that's new. Something new you have to rewire, you know, your synaptic, like you said, to really rewire your thinking and your brain modulation. So. So it was not easy, of course. And did you have setback?

Well, yeah, I had many setbacks when I began. And I would say to myself that I'm not going to watch it for one week. And then I would relapse in the beginning of the week. And then later when I actually went porn free, I still relapsed two times. So I had two lapses in this period of eight years, I think one was in 2016 and one in 2018. And the good thing about those relapses, though, was that it just confirmed my belief that porn is not good for me in any way, shape, or form.

Or how is that. How, how does it confirm that? And how. How did you get back on the bandwagon again?

Well, actually, getting back on the bandwagon was easy because even when I was watching porn in those relapses and masturbating, the pain, the shame, the guilt, all this, all this frustration that I felt by doing it in. It was 100x compared to what I felt before. So it wasn't pleasant. It just. In those two relapses, my animal brain overtook me and I could not resist. That's it. But my. Throughout the whole process, the better part of my brain, my higher self, it was screaming, stop it. I feel so much pain. You got to stop it. So when I finished, when I ejaculated, I just thought, why did I do it? Why? And that opening, that clarity, it was so strong that it just reinforced. It gave me so much pain that I. I don't want to feel it. And that's why I'm a huge proponent of Using pain and punishment as a tool in this, in the porn free battle plan that a person builds. Because, because I think that it. This is so powerful, like this conditioning.

Okay, so you had to set back and, and what, what did you do to kind of forgive yourself, you know, because you knew it was bad. Did you. I mean, did you. How did you kind of. I mean, it's easy to say, I haven't set back. I get back on the road again, but you have to sit back. But a lot of people, you know, it's like dieting. You know, I. I've been on several diet. I had to set back. And then sometimes I get. I get back on it again. Sometimes I don't. And sometimes it's just easier. Just that, oh, it's too hard to do. I'll just continue on your. My way. So how are you able to kind of, kind of, you know, give yourself like, okay, you know, this is what I'm gonna do. How did you reset?

I would say that there was no, no any kind of forgiving or any kind of practice that I did. I just. I just had this realization, this clarity that I cannot do this. Even though I relapsed. I relapsed in this haphazard way. I didn't want it. But that was good feedback for me. Actually. Very, very strong feedback was like, smack on my head. Don't do it. Just don't do it. So let's say before, before the relapse, I did not want to do it at. At 100%, but after the relapse, it just went to 10,000%. My. My commitment, my intention, my resolve. Because I saw how painful it was, and I mean mentally painful.

For yourself. Gotcha. All right. For yourself. So what. What was your method in trying to stop Horn? What was your. What was your method?

Yeah, we touched upon this a little bit. So the first one was small steps, small wins versus going cold turkey. Then I applied punishment. I made sure that every time I relapsed, I would actually do something that I didn't want to do. Let's say like clean, clean. I was. I actually, at that point, I moved in with my parents because my wife got the apartment and my son and I would clean. They had a huge house. And I would, let's say, go to the basement and spend a couple of hours cleaning. And the third thing that I used is, again, along the lines of conditioning, I would actually replace the habit of watching porn with another habit because I learned this from Tony Robbins, from nlp, is that you don't just lose a habit. You don't just drop it, but you have to offer your brain something instead. Kind of a replacement. And for me, that was simple. I had my most, most strong urges at night. So instead of succumbing to an urge, watching porn and masturbating, I would listen to my favorite music. During the day, I would not do that. So I built anticipation. And at night I would just put on my headphones, listen to great music. And I'm not saying that it cured me immediately, it was a process. But every time I did was helping a little bit, and then more, and then more, and then more until finally I. I broke that old habit.

Gotcha. So replacing, replacing porn with something else, but then punishing yourself doing something that you didn't like doing. I like that. I definitely like that. That's a strategy you can even use with weight loss. Right. Or just adding a new habit that you are like stopping smoking almost. It's almost very similar parallel there and stopping smoking and replacing smoking with chewing gum. Yeah. Instead as well. What other strategy did you use?

Yeah, well, speaking of conditioning, one thing that I like is so we have pain, punishment, but we also have to have the opposite reward. So I would, I would make sure that the replacement habit was rewarding. It felt as a reward. So when I would listen to music, I built anticipation. I liked it. And that pleasure was reinforcing the new habit. And then I would also reward myself. Let's say once a week, if I did a clean week, I would go in and buy me some clothes. I like that. And that was again, that reward was reinforcing the new habit.

Wonderful. I like that. I just. That we replacing a new habit to replace the bad habit. I need to remember that when I, when I want to go exercise and my brain said, you don't have time to exercise, your body hurt afterwards. I have to figure out, you know, another replacement there as well. And so having said that, I'm so grateful that you're here to share your. And being transparent, being vulnerable, share your journey and your struggles and, and I hope that, you know, the listener can, you know, gain some insight on it because I, I know I've gained some insight just listening to you as well. And what I've get, I've heard is that it doesn't have. The, the amount of hours you watch porn doesn't have to trans. The, the porn addiction does not translate into how much you watch porn. Because Rowing was saying he watches about one to two hours a day. He's not watching 8 hour, 10 hours a day, but yet that, that time, that time that he spent watching it made him tired because he, he masturbated, made him tired. He wasn't able to be productive or concentrate on his work. But that time, you know, that, that one or two hours also translate into how he view his relationship with his ex wife as well, too. So what I've learned is that the amount of hour doesn't necessarily have to translate into how it's affecting your life or your addiction as well too. And, and that the addiction is, like you said, it's overwhelming because some people think that, oh, people that watch porn because they think of what they see on the screen is reality. That's not so, for what you're telling me, you knew it was not reality, right? You, you knew it's not reality. It was giving you that guilt, but, and, but it was giving you an outlet for your sexual release, you know, as you were going from a teenager to a man. But it also kind of replaced the social skill that you needed to develop to meet, you know, women and to be able to have to be intimate. But you, you just, it's, it's, it, it's easier just to, you know, do it, you know, on, on the tv, right? So you didn't have to spend the amount of time doing that. But what you said, what I really see was that it was replacing your social in skills, your relationship skills, and you didn't know how to connect with your wife other than seeing her, you know, and sexually. And obviously, you know, there were other, of course there was connection there, but you guys were marry and have a son, you know, as well too. So I've learned that, you know, it doesn't have to be related to the amount of time. And I, I know it's not hard for you, and, and I'm sure the struggle is still there. Even though you, you know, started doing this eight years ago, right? Eight or nine years ago when you stop the porn and you said you had setback in 2016 or 18. 2018 was only, you know, a few years ago. But it's okay. He, you know, if what he said was, you know, he get back on the bandwagon again and, and now he's actually teaching other men how to, you know, uh, stop horn as well. So can you tell our listener on how to. They can, uh, connect with you?

Yeah, sure. And before I do that, let me just address one question that I was thinking of when you were talking about this. Yes. It's not, it's your addiction. It's not about how, how much time you watch it. Look to see whether you are addicted. There is a simple question. Does watching porn add value to my life or does it actually detract something from my life? Now, I would encourage you if you feel that you are addicted, you can find more information by going to my website, which is Romanmironoff.com free and get my free NoFap course. It's a very structured program, completely free, very easily accessible, no paywalls, no anything. A very simple process. Just click the link, go there and you get it. Now you do the program. And if you complete the program and do all the tasks, you will be porn free. This is what happens with Moga. Most guys, so don't wait if you feel that porn is holding you back. If you feel you have tons of potential, but porn is not letting you actualize that potential. If you feel that you have this porn induced erectile dysfunction, you have to change it now. Don't wait before you become a creep. Do it now. And when you do it, make sure that you, you remind me. You just let me know that you came from Dr. Anne's podcast and if you hire me later, I'd be happy to give you a 30% discount.

Oh, wonderful. So we'll make sure we'll put the link to his free course in the show note and let him know that you come from my podcast. You can get that 30% discount. And, and I know this is not something that is easy. It's. It's no different than stopping smoking cigarettes and weight loss is changing the, the chemicals in your brain and rewiring your brain again in the habit that you find comfort in. And, but remember, remember guys, it takes six weeks to change a habit. And that, that long, only six weeks. If you do something consistently for six weeks, you can rewire your brain and then it becomes easier and easier to do. The hardest part is really within the first two to three weeks. That's when your body changes. That's when your mind's gonna play games with you and say, oh my God, no, no, no, I don't like this. Let's go back to the comfort zone. Let's go back to the way it was before. But remember that the brain is a larger sexual organ and you have a choice and control in what you do. Having said that, thank you for being here and I'll see you, madame, in the next episode.

Thank you for having me and thank you for this opportunity to spread the message.

Thank you. All right. So let me stay on. Let me end this recording.