The Power of Emotion: Exploring the Connection Between Emotion and Sex

What's sex got to do with emotion and emotion with sex? Well, in today's episode, you're going to find out what that is and some strategies on how to verbalize your emotion and sex and connect it all together. So stay tuned to the episode. This podcast is for you. The modern man. I'm Dr. Anne Truong, your host. I'm an intimate health medical doctor and best selling author of the book Erectile Dysfunction Fix. I'll do a deep dive into sexual health and performance and how it affects men of all ages and backgrounds. So let's get started and be sure to visit my website@sexualhealthfulmenpodcast.com for more information and resources from the show. See you on the inside. Well, hello there. Welcome back again. Today I am here with with Dr. Glen Hill and his wife Phyllis. And we're going to talk about everything about the emotion and sexuality. All right. And what is the connection between them and how you can elevate your emotion and how that will help you with your sex life. So thank you for being here, Dr. Glenn and Phyllis.

I love it. Hello, everyone.

Thank you for having us.

All right. I've been looking forward to this interview because I've been wanting to really dive into how your emotion is connected to your penis. Right. Because what I call ed is like a penis attack. It's like a heart attack. And I want it to be that regarded as such. But I also wanted to connect that your sexual organ, like your penis or a woman sexual organ is connected to your brain. And my biggest framework is saying is that the brain is a larger sexual organ. And we're going to dive into that and look at, okay, why is the brain the larger sexual organ? So let's kind of dive into that. And what do emotion have to do with sex?

Great question. Well, because the brain is the largest sex organ, emotions fire in the brain. There are five neural regions that house the emotions. Emotions occur throughout the body, but the brain's the central command center for emotions. And the emotions fire in the limbic system, which is a little bit complex, but it's just where they're located. And the limbic system engages before the cortexes do. The cortexes are what control the executive function of the brain. And that controls what happens for our bodies sexually, which certainly includes the penis and the vagina, but many other aspects as well. So if emotions are not processed properly, the cortexes are not operating at their feet.

Okay, let's backtrack a little bit. So emotion, let's let you know. I Don't know what cortex mean, I don't know what limbic system mean. We know what emotion is. And you had mentioned the eight core emotion. Okay, the eight core emotions. Anger, hurt, sadness, loneliness, guilt, shame, fear and joy. So we all know what that feels like. We all know what that is. The emotion that is felt in our brain, all right? It's expressed in here in our brain. Okay. So when you feel that emotion, okay, those are the emotion. That's why I want to count out, okay, those are the emotion. What's next? What is how this emotion got to tie in with sex?

Yeah. And you think about if whatever the core emotion is and the eight core emotions, all other emotions are either levels or hybrids of those. So if a guy is feeling a tremendous amount of fear, so, you know, he thinks somebody's about to break in his door and attack his family, it's going to be really tough for him to engage the sexually in that moment. It's going to be very difficult for him to get an erection because he's feeling so much fear. He's flooded with fear. And the same would be true with pain. He's already ready to be involved sexually and he stubs his toe. Well, literally he can lose his erection in two seconds because he banged his toe on the edge of the bed. And now he's not focused on sexual activity, sexual involvement, sexual connection. He's aware that his toe hurts like crazy because he just banged it on the. And again, that pain is actually an emotional experience. And now he's not going to be able to be involved sexually at any great level. And the same is true for a female, right? If she feels threatened by him, if she feels fear with him, it's very difficult for her to engage sexually.

So what happened? So that's intuitively, we kind of know that, hey, you're distracted, you're in the moment, you're hot and heavy, and then the moment you're distracted, Rexon gone. The woman is like, oh, I'm not in the mood anymore. Just so we know that. So how do we turn it around and optimize it so that you get aroused? Your partner is ready to rock and roll, and you're ready to rock and roll. Be able to get into a more of a roused state and stimulate your sexual response to get an erection? So we know that your mind has to be relaxed and clear and so does your penis. So in order for an erection to happen, your body is made so that your brain has to be relaxed in the moment and attune in to your senses, which is the input that you receive. And the five senses are what you see, what you smell, what you taste, what you hear, what you touch. And that goes in with the emotion that you mentioned. So that lead into the eight core emotion. And then there's chemicals that are released in the brain and then that the send messages to the nerve and the hormone that actually is releasing the brain and the nerve outside of the brain to the spinal cord and that travels to the heart. Then the heart will increase the blood and the blood vessels has to open up and then that goes to the genital area. So how can you process your emotion? So we know that hey, if you feel sad or if you feel fear, feel threatened, that will dampen it. That makes sense. So in the contrary, how can you elevate that emotion to enhance your sexual response?

Yeah, great question.

Well, part of it. You know, for so many of us, we don't even really understand emotion. We don't understand. I know for me, I thought I could opt out. So I functioned for 50 years just opting out of emotion. So even sexually I showed up. My body would show up. But there was such a big part missing because I did not have the emotional awareness. And that affected me and us for many, many years. And for me to understand that no, no, we all have a part of our brain that houses emotion. I became very curious and had to tune in. Like it was not easy because I really did spend most of my life thinking, no, I don't, I opt out of all those. And so I had to learn. It's like going back to first grade and having to go, okay, I need to slow myself down. I' very task oriented person. So I needed to slow myself down and go, what is happening for me? And we developed a lot of tools. One of them is called the core emotion wheel to just. It's a daily exercise that you do to tune in to your emotion and then the best result is when you can share it with someone else. And so for us, we were sharing it in our marriage with each other. And we were doing this exercise, just two minutes per person where you ask yourself what is happening? And you use this wheel that we created where you look at, okay, anger. What today did I feel anger about? So many times we think that we're supposed to self manage that, but then eventually we blow up at each other. And if you're in a long term relationship, eventually that pain becomes what separates us sexually. Like I don't feel safe with you sexually because I never know when you're gonna blow up at me. And I feel hurt by what said yesterday. And now you want to have this sexual encounter. And, you know, it just kind of goes down that road where our emotion really blocks us from being completely free sexually with each other, which obviously also affects just being able to have and keep an erection when there's not that. And so often in time, it's the damage. It's kind of like we put it under trauma. It's like, okay, what do we do with that now? And this is just such a simple tool where we can go, okay, I can't change the history of our story, but I can learn how to identify it and how to listen and tune in to what's happening with me. And then I can communicate that to my partner and say, I'm feeling a lot of loneliness about what happened when.

The children were young and I was raising them while you were always at work. It's still affecting me today because I'm aware of it.

Right?

But it's me tuning in to what's happening for me so I can communicate that to my partner.

So how do you tune into your emotion?

So I asked myself that question. What is happening with me? I know it's firing. Okay, we know the science. If I could hook myself up to a brain scan and read it every day, oh, I would see what's happening. But we don't live a lifestyle where we do that. And so I have to have a tool. So the wheel shows all eight emotions, and I just go around each one, and I go, what's happening with fear? What's happening with sad? What's happening with lonely? And then I really learn how to define them, because sometimes we miss, like we think lonely. It's like, oh, I would do anything to spend an hour alone. I have people around me all the time. But that's not the definition of lonely, is that you're okay being without people. You may feel very alone in the project that you're doing. You may feel very alone in the responsibility to provide for your family financially. And so loneliness can show up in a very different way than what we think. And same with fear. You know, I used to always say, I'm not afraid of anything. I'm not afraid of the typical stuff. I'm not afraid of the dark. But I was a business owner, and I realized that owning a company and having all these people work for me, I was dealing with fear on pretty high levels every day. Fear of failure, fear of not making the right decision, fear of losing an employee and then having to replace them. So I had it wrong. I was defining fear in a way that was not tapping into my brain. And when I changed that and I actually realized, oh, wow, I have a lot of fear because of the responsibility that I had on my shoulders. Then I was able to process it, which meant I was able to say it, as in. In the moment I could actually name it. I could say, I have fear to make this phone call, because if this phone call doesn't go well, I'm going to lose that CL client. That is my fear. And then just saying it, like my body shifted. I felt the power then to actually make that phone call where when I wasn't verbalizing it and I was holding it in my body, I couldn't. I would procrastinate all day. It would be the last thing I would do.

The emotion you feel is fear versus tired or versus fatigue. How do you identify that as fear or sadness?

That's a great question. Most people's emotion muscle has atrophied to the point that they don't know. I started a workout program a few months ago, and I think it's called the rear deltoid machine. And I tried to do it, and I could barely move it at all. Apparently, my rear deltoids are incredibly weak. So it's not that they're not there. They're still there. They didn't just disappear. They're just so weak. I haven't used them. I don't even know what the heck the rear deltoid is. But I just couldn't do the exercise very well at all. And it took me many weeks before I became competent literally to do 10, 15 pounds. So most people's emotional muscle is so weak, it's so atrophied that they do not recognize fear, just as you're saying, you know, they don't realize what's happening for them. So the core emotional is designed to exercise, to reactivate, so that they do start recognizing. Oh, that's a fear experience for me. When, you know, Phyllis gets a voicemail when she used to own this company, and she would get a voicemail from a client, she would get hit with fear. Oh, my goodness. What are they upset about? You know, am I going to lose them as a client? Well, she didn't even recognize that as fear. She didn't know that that was the fear region of her brain that was activating. So the core motion wheel is designed to exercise that muscle so that we start recognizing what's happening for us, you.

Know, so often we use the term I'm so stressed out. What does that even mean? Right. We kind of assume we know what that means for each other, but we really don't. It doesn't connect to that region of our brain. So if that's the terminology, well, I'm just stressed out. That's why I'm this way. You slow yourself down and you go, yes, I hear that, but what's happening for you? And when you point to the wheel, people so often figure it out. They may have to take a minute, but they go, okay, what is that? Stressed out? What does that mean? Does that mean or even overwhelmed? That's another one. People say, well, I'm so overwhelmed. And we think we know what that means, but if they're not telling you the actual core emotion, you may be wrong about what they're really experiencing. And so for yourself, when you slow yourself down and you go through such an exercise to connect with your own brain, because this is actually connecting yourself to your brain, which is the messenger, it's a message center that we're just missing the message. And so you connect to the message and you go, okay, what is happening with that? And then often you for yourself find it and you feel a physical shift within your body where, oh my word, my stress is over the fear that I'm not going to be able to meet my mortgage payment. And then you kind of say it, you've now named it, instead of it just being this nebulous thing out there. And so it changes how your body reacts and how your body lets go of it.

Yeah, and so many words like stress and overwhelmed and anxiety, those are results of unprocessed core emotions. And so for us to get back to the core emotion and be able to process that, which does not mean it's not going to happen again in 10 minutes or 20 minutes or an hour this afternoon and we'll process it then as well. So if I feel fear at 10 o' clock in the morning and 2 o' clock in the afternoon and 3:30, that's fine. I'm just going to process it every time.

I love that. Because men too as. But more so men are raised as a child to, you know, don't express emotion, be tough, take it, you know, be a tough guy and just take it and don't complain. So they're not really raised to express their emotion or even be attuned to their what their emotion is and that, you know, the way it is as they grow up. And I can tell you, you Know, my husband and I have been married for 30 years, and I know that he. It's hard for him to be attuned to his emotion. And then, you know, one day he'll blow up and, you know, everything exploded. Mentioning about things that happened, like, months before because he may not realize what his emotions are. And I can give you an experience myself, too, where I didn't know I was stressed until I was just kind of getting frequent colds and so forth. Went to see my friend who was his office right next to me, and he listened to my lungs. I had double pneumonia. My. I had. My heart rate was irregular because I was stressed, but I didn't feel stressed. I didn't feel maybe the fear because I was running my business too. I didn't feel any of those emotions because I was just so busy going, going, going find out that I was. Had double pneumonia. I had irregular heart rate. And my cardiologist essentially said, you got to slow down or else I'm gonna have to put you on heart medicine. But that really was an awakening for me in. In realizing I was not attuned to my emotion, maybe fear and maybe anger. A lot of time you don't know that. So I'm really glad that you had developed what you call that. Is that the emotional wheel. Core emotional emotional wheel. And in fact, they have given us a code. So for my listeners, they have given us a code that if you go to ww. Connection codes, plural, dot, co and then forward slash, Dr. Ann are lowercase, d, R, A, N, N, E are lowercase. You get 20 off of core emotion wheel. That may.

Well, actually, that one is free. Oh, that's free for your listeners?

Oh, yes, free. Okay.

Yeah, it's a download that's free. Gives them that, and then it teaches them how to use it and gives them all the directions. So, yeah, that's just a free download from us, just as a thank you for being on your podcast.

Oh, well, thank you. Well, our listeners would thank you for it, and I advise our listeners to go check it out, and I will be attuned to what you're feeling and your emotion, because a lot of us are too busy to feel, to really be tuned in for our emotion. Right. And so we're now on tuning into your emotion, which is awesome. And then now that we are aware, okay, I'm experiencing sadness. How do you verbalize it in a way that it. That to your partner in a neutral, constructive way?

Yeah, yeah, it's a great question. That's one of the Things we cover in our master class, where we just go through all of this, start to finish, which is really, really extensive. You know, we did years and years of research in this to try to figure out how to this can be successful. So practically speaking, for me, if something happens where whatever it is, but I feel hurt by something Phyllis said, I'll just say to her, babe, I felt some hurt with what you said. And we call it the three phrases. She will respond with, oh, wait, what happened with hurt? What did I miss? And she's framing it that she missed something. Now, I'm not blaming her. It's not necessarily her fault. Did she contribute to it? Maybe. I don't know. It doesn't even matter. But what we do know is I felt some pain, I felt some hurt in it. And I'll just tell her with one or two sentences that, well, when you said that thing to our friend, I just. I felt pain. I felt hurt in it, or was.

It time to feel hurt?

Three phrases are what we call the oo, which there are several dozen versions of the ooh. It's just something audible. Something like, oh, oh, okay. Yeah, it's just something verbal that are audible that she would convey to me. The second phrase is what's happening? We really emphasize this. And there's three tenses. What happens, what happened? Or what's happening. But for her, just ask me, so, babe, what's happening for there? As opposed to especially asking me, why, you know, why do you feel hurt? You know, why is such an accusation? Why indicts someone that I shouldn't be feeling hurt? And then the third phrase is to just say, I missed it. I missed something there. What did I miss? Because then that's inviting me into my own experience. She says to me, well, that doesn't make sense that you felt hurt. You need to explain yourself better. Well, you can't sell that to anybody on the planet. Whereas if she just says to me, oh, whoa, I think I might have missed something. What happened for you there? She's inviting me into my own experience, inviting me into my emotion. And she's just going to be present and safe for me. Because what we're working towards is meeting needs. And the fourth phrase is, what do you need? And after I process the emotion, she's going to ask me that. She's going to say, so what do you need? I'm going to go, I don't know. Nothing really. I just need to let you know that I felt hurt by that. And we literally do that in 20 to 30 seconds. And those used to be three hour fights for us.

Wow, I love that. Now I would love how you role play that. I thought about, I'm like, oh, that would be great to kind of see. Like, you said you could do that in 20, 30 seconds. Right. Can you kind of do a role play on how you start that conversation and the responses?

Yeah. And you know, we encourage people as much as possible to look at each other. And if you can't, because sometimes these things are incredibly vulnerable. It's so revealing and potentially dangerous because if Phyllis isn't safe for me, if she's not going to be present with me, who I just revealed myself, my core to her, and if she's not safe for me, that. That can be very threatening. So anyway, but what that would look like literally is I'm just going to say here, babe, I felt some pain a little bit ago.

Wow, Babe. So what was happening with pain? I feel like I missed it.

Well, you just said that thing to our friend. We were having lunch together and you just made some comment about something, that mistake I'd made the other day. And I don't know, just felt like a sharp, stabbing pain. I just felt wounded.

Yikes. Yeah, I hear that. Yeah, I really missed on that.

So maybe, I don't know, next time if you just mentioned it to me, maybe even in private, might even say it in front of our friends because. Yeah, that was really tough for me.

I get that too. So that's what you need for me to say it in private.

Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, I can do that.

And that, what we just did, literally, we're doing that who knows what, 15, 20, 30 times a day. That's just how we breathe. I want to make it really clear. We always say we're just pilgrims on the journey. When we miss with each other, we're just like everybody else. And we missed with each other for literally decades. I mean, it was over two decades where that little interaction right there would have been a three day fight. That would have been a three day conflict. I would have felt wounded by her. I wouldn't have told her. I would not have told her. So I would have resented her for three days. And then after, whatever, three days, five days, I would have blown up at her like, you know, you're such a jerk. You know, you're so rude, you're so unkind. And she didn't even remember what she said at that lunch five days ago. And then I would say, well, you know, you said to Susie this and this and of course it would now feel much bigger to me because it's. It's dammed up, it's built up for five days, and now I would fill in a ton of blanks. That didn't even happen. And of course, Phyllis doesn't even remember it happening. She doesn't remember what happened, so she can't really argue with me because she doesn't know if that's true or not. And now we're off to the races. And it would get really.

I love that. I'm glad I asked you how to role play. And so I'm going to kind of ask you another scenario as well, too, on how interaction between a man and a woman, and I hear this a lot in my patient as well as the men in our coaching program, the modern man club, is that the. The couple's together, things are going great, they're hot and heavy, gets an erection, then he kind of loses it. You know, he kind of loses it at that moment, and she's ready to go, and he's feeling embarrassed, doesn't know what to say. They just kind of like, okay, well, that's it. And just get dressed. So what would you suggest would be the conversation from him or either from her to initiate to talk about that experience?

You know, we say every human is unique, so it'd be difficult to know this hypothetical scenario, you know, exactly what's happening for them. But you mentioned embarrassed embarrassment is a shame experience. And so for him to be able to process that now, the shame was upon losing the erection. So I don't know, there may have been some fear for him to be able to say, I feel some fear that I'm going to. And of course, Dr. Han, you know this because you sat with so many people dealing with that sort of situation. Once he has erectile dysfunction once, then the next time he feels fear that he's going to have it again. And then it just escalates so often for men that because now he's like, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, am I going to be able to get an erection? Am I going to be able to keep an erection? And then he doesn't end up keeping an erection because he's feeling so much fear that he's going to lose his erection, this terrible cycle. But for him to be safe enough to say to her, I'm feeling fear that I won't be able to get an erection. I'm feeling fear that I won't be able to maintain an erection. And I feel fear of shame. I feel fear of The. The embarrassment if that happens. And for her to be able to just ooh him, to be able to go, oh, so what else happens for you there? What all am I missing? And we see this over and over again, literally with hundreds, perhaps thousands of couples where just doing that, processing it through. And now she's not judging him, and she may not have been judging him anyway, but he felt judged. He felt a lot of fear that she was going to judge him. And for her to just be able to. Again, we call it the ooh to ooh him and go, oh, wow, okay, so what else happens for you there? Catch me up. What else am I missing there? And then he feels this incredible sense of safety. Doesn't have to quote, unquote, perform. This is just a partnership. It's a dance that they're sharing together.

I love that. So the opener is that I feel this. I feel fear, I feel sadness or I feel hurt or whatever. Maybe the circumstances that may have just interrupted that connection between the mind and the penis at that time. Obviously it's something kind of a disconnect there, but he has to kind of be able to verbalize it, you know, to his partner. So the emotion will help with that, you know, to kind of refer to. And like you said, when it comes to performance anxiety, it's feeding fear mainly, right? Probably a fear because it happened once before, and now he afraid it will happen again. I can't tell you, the men I work, if it happened one or two times. They think it's gonna happen every time. I mean, when you ride a bicycle, how many times you fall down before you can ride a bicycle, right? So but for men, they have this high expectation of themselves that, you know, it happened once or twice. Oh, my God, there's something wrong with me. But to be attuned to the feeling of fear and to be able to convey that the eye field is maybe sadness and fear, or maybe last week she said something that may have hurt him, or maybe she acted in a way that may have hurt him, that he felt, but now he's processing that in the heat of the moment, and that that manifests as interruption in his erection. I love the way how you can kind of connect that to the emotion. So he verbalizes that, and she will respond as, okay, what did I miss? Right? So with the four phrase, ooh, so what did I miss? And then have a conversation going well.

And again, it's not much of a conversation. I mean, it technically is, but it's really just him processing the emotion. You Know, for her to work her way to the fourth phrase to say, so, babe, what do you need? And he goes, I don't know. I just needed to process all that with you. And maybe you could slow down and we could play with this penis up and see if we can get. Yeah, get him engaged. And really, it's just a partnership in the experience. And now they're safe with each other and he's able to do that. Which again, is incredibly vulnerable for a male or female to be able to do that.

So when you're emotionally safe with each other, that will create that better connection sexually. Yeah, right.

Yeah. And that's the reason with our masterclasses, we have the foundations masterclass, which covers all of the emotional muscling, the. The emotional. Exercising the emotional intelligence. And that leads us into dynamic sexual connection. And that's our other masterclass is the. We call it Late Night and it's all about sexuality. And we build dynamic sexual connection on top of deep emotional connection. And from my research, good bit of experience, my impression is sex drive is all about sexual joy or sexual loneliness. And for me to even be able to say that to Phyllis, that, oh, I felt a lot of sexual joy this afternoon. Afternoon, I was fantasizing about you and I couldn't get you out of my mind. And I'm just feel I'm flooded with joy about you. I love it, love it, love it. Or sexual loneliness for me to be able to say I'm feeling some sexual loneliness. She literally would say, oh, what's happening with lonely? What am I missing? I'm like, well, you know, we've been busy and, you know, we haven't had any sexual playtime in several days or whatever. And I feel a lot of sexual joy about getting to have sexual playtime. She goes, oh, so what do you need? And I go, well, I'm glad you brought that up.

Oh, guys, just listen to what that just happened within the last 22nd of what he said. If you just copy four phrases that he just said, I think that will unlock a lot of bottle emotion and maybe a lot of feelings that not been expressed by what I just hear what you just said in the last 20 seconds.

Yeah. And the sad thing is, typically, and of course, every couple is unique because every human's unique. You know, so often the guy goes, so, babe, you want to do it? And she goes, no. And then he walks away incredibly wounded. But she answered the question that he asked. But the question is a lie. The question is a misrepresentation of the Truth. He was not asking her if she wanted to do it. What was really happening was he was flooded with sexual joy, and he wanted to be involved with her sexually. He wanted to have sexual connection with her. And it's not fair for me to ask the question, so, babe, you want to have sex? And she goes, no, wasn't thinking about that at all. But that's a misrepresentation of the truth. That's not. Wasn't authentic at all. I'm not asking her if she wants to do it. I need to convey to her what's happening for me. And I'm flooded with sexual joy because I really, really like her. I really enjoy her sexually. That's the authentic self. That's what's actually happening. And Phyllis can dance with that because again, even if she wasn't having any sexual thought at all, which typically men have far more often and far more frequently have sexual thoughts and have far more sexual thoughts than women do. Not always, but typically. So I just need to be able to convey that to her. And again, if I have that emotional safety, I can do that. But that's incredibly vulnerable for me to say to her, I am feeling so much sexual joy about you, because now she has the opportunity to wound me if she chooses to, and she doesn't do that. But still my psyche gets hit with fear that if I share with her authentically, she could reject me and wound me.

I love that. I love that. It's really about more entrusting your partner and emotional safety in being able to be vulnerable and express how you feel with your partner and not have the fear that your partner will wound you. And what woman will say no? If you say, I feel sexual joy when I'm looking at. What woman would say no? I mean, because it makes her feel appreciated and makes her feel sexy. It makes her feel attractive. When you say, I look at you and I feel sexual joy, and I'm just aroused, and I want us to be connected. But just the word sexual joy of just, hey, you're right. So maybe we should say, hey, instead of saying, oh, you want to do it? Maybe we should say, let's have some sexual joy together. You know, Absolutely. To paraphrase it in that way, because that's such a nice word. I had so many positive, intimate connotations to that word of sexual joy. And then sexual loneliness. That's really powerful, too. I. And I wrote that down because that's like kind of like instead of saying, well, I'm not. I haven't been getting any Action.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah. Because now I'm attacking her. I'm going, well, you haven't put out lately. Well, they can't sell that to anybody on the planet. For me to say to her, you know, well, you're just too busy and you're not much of a. Because all of the messages that she hears whenever I say that, because now I'm attacking her. And then for me to expect her to want to be involved sexually with the guy who just attacked her, that's not going to happen. Whereas if I'm able to say to her, who I'm feeling so much loneliness, literally, she does what we call the three phrases. She goes, oh, what's happening with lonely? What am I missing? I go, well, sexual loneliness. She goes, oh, what's happening with that? I'm like, well, I just miss you. I miss you sexually, because I really, really like you sexually. There's so much sexual joy that I experience with you. And when it's not happening and it hasn't happened in, whatever, a few days, and I just really, really miss you. Well, and we call it identity. She is flooded with identity. She feels valued, she feels seen. She feels that she matters to me sexually, and that greatly, exponentially increases the odds of her responding to me positively. Where, if I'm going, well, you know, it's been a bunch of days since you've been available sexually. I'm the attacker, and she's not going to be receptive.

Absolutely. So, Whoopi, you would recommend for a woman, and I hear this a lot, too, where the guy has Ed and he's avoiding sex with her because he just doesn't want to face the discomfortness, the guilt and all that. And he's just avoiding sex, but he's not talking with her about it. So he's looking this way, she's looking this way, and they're drifting further apart, and they come and see me and go, well, I have Ed. I want to get it fixed because I want to reconnect with my wife again. But I'm not talking to my wife. She. She doesn't know I'm here. She doesn't even know I have Ed. I'm like, yeah, right, she knows you have Ed, but you guys are just not talking. So the question I have is, as the woman, obviously she's attuned to what's going on, but she's giving him space. How would she approach it with him in a nurturing and neutral way?

Well, it kind of goes back just to the simple Having the core emotional wheel, being able to hear each other in that space. And then the three questions, the three phrases like that audible. As far as showing up and knowing he knows he's being heard. I want to hear you. What's happening with you? Is that question. And then I feel like I'm missing something. So then she becomes part of the team. She's not attacking, she's not accusing. She simply says, I think I'm missing something with you. What's happening for you? And then to have that ability to just be an audible listener. We too often want to fix somebody. We want to solve it. We want to defend ourselves. Instead of just making this open space, I want to just hear you. And audible, you know, we call it the ooh, which is just a audible response because I want to make sure he knows I'm hearing him. Where if I stare at him blankly and I don't say anything and I'm biting my tongue because I so want to say something, well, he just sees that blank face, and then he makes up all kinds of things that I'm probably thinking. But if I respond with a oh, I hear that. Oh, wow, that is a lot. Well, that's an audible response that he knows. Wow, she's really tuning in. She's not distracted. She's listening to me. And then when I say I think I've missed it, it's like an open invitation to open the door and let me hear what's happening for you.

If I heard it, say something to him, like, what's the matter with you? What's wrong with you? You're not acting right. Well, that's an attack. I mean, his brain is going to get flooded with fear because she looks like a wolf in his brain. And I'm not blaming her. I'm just talking about what's happening for him. Whereas if she's able just to use the three phrases and go, ooh, babe, I think I'm missing something with you. What all's happening? Catch me up, because I feel like I've missed something with you. That's an incredible safe invitation that he is exponentially greater odds of responding to.

I love that it's such a difference.

We talked about that. Just we take why the question why? Out of our interaction. So I don't approach Glenn and say, why won't you have sex with me? Or why aren't you talking to me? Or why are you avoiding me? That only puts him on the defense, and he feels accused, and he thinks I can't come up with the answer that you're looking for. But if I come to him and I say, babe, what's happening? It opens the door. It's like an invitation instead of an accusation. So we take that why question completely out of our relationship.

So. And we place it. What's happened? What am I missing? What's happening? What is it you need? Right? What's happening with you? What is it that you need? So it shows that you listen, you care, and that you want to know what's going on. And it may not be anything, right? So. But sometimes the guy may say, oh, nothing. I don't need anything. And I actually hear my husband sometimes say that when I know he's angry, but he's just not expressing.

Right.

When you commit to doing that, we often encourage our couples. 30 days. Just do it for 30 days every day. You will see such a difference from day one to day 30 for yourself and for your partner and for your relationship and for anybody that has kids. They're the easiest people to do it with. And they get to the core emotion so quickly. They don't get confused.

They know exactly what their anger was.

What their fear was, what their joy was for the day, what their hurt was. You'll hear it, and we just have lost it.

Like, got to get back to that for ourselves.

Why did we lose that? Why are kids so transparent? Their emotion, they're able to express it. What's happened along the way to adulthood that we put so many layers and barriers on that we're not recognizing what's happened.

That's almost a whole separate field of psychology. You know, we're coded from birth to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to convey, you know, why do we breathe oxygen? Well, we just do. Why did we vote on oxygen? We didn't vote on oxygen. We just breathe oxygen. We're hardwired that way. And Phyllis, and our faith based. You know, we believe there's a designer behind it all. But even if there's not a designer, it just worked out that way. Well, that's just how humans function. We breathe oxygen. So the eight core emotions are just coded inside of us.

But what happens in time? I think it's the conditioning of our family of origin. It's the conditioning of our society. You know, you may have grown up in a really safe home, but then eventually you go off to school, and then you're conditioned by the people around you who you realize, well, I'm not safe here. If I tell them that I feel hurt, they jump all over me, or they call me all kinds of horrible names. And so we learn to protect ourselves. We learn that is not a safe place. And we just get really knocked off course emotionally. And so our emotional intelligence goes way down. And that's what we have to get back to, is we have to have this emotional intelligence because we can't store it in our bodies. The body keeps the score. And eventually your body gives up on you. Somehow it'll come out some way your body says, I can't do this anymore. I can't store all of your emotions anymore.

And this is centuries old. This didn't develop in the last six months. I mean, we literally have writings from many centuries ago about how bad emotion is, how evil it is. And we even see him in movies. The greatest movies are guys like James Bond, as far as, you know, men movies. And I love James Bond. I've seen every movie at least three times.

So I'm not against. I don't think James Bond can express his emotion.

Is a completely dysfunctional character. And the crazy thing is in the movie he always gets the girl. Not in real life. That's a movie. It's a made up story. But we get brainwashed with that. We think that John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, James Bond are like the cool guys. No, they're not. They're incredibly dysfunctional. And no woman would ever partner with them. They wouldn't be able to. Even if they ended up marrying this woman and living with her, she's not going to feel partnered with them. She's going to feel incredible pain.

That's why he's in the movies, right? The movie is fantasy. Same thing with porn. It's fantasy and it's not real life. And so I wanted to kind of put in that even on Dr. Glenn and Phyllis website connection code co put forward slash all cap doctor and you get 20 off of your master class about your master class on sexuality as well as emotion. So I invite our listener to check that out and then you get the core emotion wheel for free. I'm definitely gonna download that as well. So having said that, I really appreciate you being here today. I learned some stuff as well, and I hope that our listener gets some, some nuggets out of it. And to recap, I think what you can walk out of here, what key takeaway is be attuned to your emotion and feel safe with your partner. And use the four phrases which is like, ooh, what's happening? What did I miss? And what do you need? Is that right?

Yes.

Yeah. And what do you need? And I think you can use that in any context, really friendship and even at work. So I think that having said that, how can our listener connect with you and find more about you?

Well, we are on social media, the connection codes. We Instagram, Facebook and we've written a book called the Connection Codes that's on Amazon. And then as you mentioned, Dr. Ann, we have the master classes really to walk you through how to do this in everyday life, whether it's with your partner or at work, as you mentioned in with your children, all kinds of relationships where we need to be able to connect and really be able to be transparent and vulnerable with each other.

Well, that's all it is about humanity, right? To be able to communication and express your emotion through communication. That and lead to the physical connection. Well, because the end of the day it's not about sex, right? At the end of day it's about relationship, about connecting with another human and relationships. And that's what I've been stressing about, even sexuality is that it really end of day it's about relationships. So having said that, thank you for being here with me, listener. Check out the show notes below our episode to connect with them and I will put in the show note the promo code as well. So having said that, we'll see you the next episode. Thank you for being here.

Thank you. Bye bye.

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