10 Seconds To Better Behavior

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My great big goldendoodle. Do you ever find yourself thinking, I shower my kids with attention, so why is their behavior still so challenging? That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode. Today we're going to talk about intentionally focusing your attention to encourage positive behavior. But first, again, I'm going to share a little story that really has nothing to do with today's episode, but it came to mind and I wanted to share it with you. So this is a story about when I was a third year medical student. At this point I had been planning to go into obstetrics, but after this rotation I really started to question whether pediatrics was where I wanted to devote myself to. As a medical student, you get elective periods where you can choose where you want to spend the next few months. And so I chose the NICU or the neonatal intensive care unit and it was in keeping with my obstetric goals. While I was there, something happened that made me think twice about whether obstetrics was the right direction for me and I'm going to just share this story. It really may sound like I'm trying to pat myself on the back, but I'm not. I really want to share the story and you'll understand what I'm talking about. In the nicu, after a baby is delivered, when they get admitted, they get a physical exam. And as a medical student, my job was to do all those admitting physical exams on the new little babies. So this child was born and I did my physical exam and I always take my time and I thought something was strange with their heart sounds and I thought I actually was hearing them on the opposite side where you expect to hear them. I tried positioning the baby in different ways to see if that would change what I was hearing, but no. I was fairly convinced that I was hearing them on the right side instead of the left side. And so I reported to my senior that I thought the baby's heart sounds were in the wrong place.

And he listened and he said, no.

I just need to position the baby differently. So I did that, but I still kept hearing the heart sounds on the other side. And when I look back at this, I'm surprised how much confidence I had.

In myself because, you know, I was.

Just a medical student. But anyways, I went back to him and I said, lookit, I really think the baby's heart sounds are in the wrong place. And he said, no, your baby needs to be positioned differently.

Anyways, I eventually convinced him to just.

Do an X ray. Now, of course, it turned out or not, of course. But surprisingly, it turned out that I was right and the baby's heart was on the wrong side.

Thankfully, this baby did perfectly fine, and that was the only abnormality. And so it didn't really cause any significant problems.

But the reason I'm sharing this story.

Is because, well, two things.

One is, I think the reason why I felt so confident was I trained as a midwife before I went into medical school. And that's a whole other many, many stories to share with you.

But one of the things about midwifery.

Training was I did it decades ago, before there was any formal training programs. And I found a little program down.

In El Paso, Texas, where women that would come across the border would get their health care.

At this clinic, however, there were no real medical resources available. And so I really learned to use.

My eyes and my senses and my.

Listening skills very closely.

And I think that's what helped me in this situation.

But really, I'm sharing the story because I want you to trust yourself. I want you to realize that, for.

Instance, while I'm a pediatrician and I'm an expert in children in general, you're.

The expert with your child. And never forget that.

Please trust yourself.

So let's get back to the program.

Now, today, we're not just talking about showering kids with attention. We're talking about intentionally focusing your attention to encourage positive behavior.

So let's get real.

What's your child's absolutely favorite thing in the world?

Is it candy?

I'm sure they may love it, but it's not the most favorite thing in the world. Well, how about the latest toy trend? Again, they probably love it.

But you know what is their favorite thing in the whole wide world?

It's your undivided attention, without a doubt. So here's the powerful but simple. Focus your attention on behaviors you actually appreciate. Let's say, like when your kids help set the table or remember to wash their hands without nagging. Give those actions the standing ovation they deserve, and you'll soon notice something extraordinary. Your little one will be thinking, hey, doing that made me feel amazing. And it got some special moments with.

My go to person.

I should do it more often. The principle is easy. What you highlight tends to repeat itself. So for example, today your child buckled themselves into their car seat without making it into a dramatic episode, and you verbally appreciate them for that. You're setting the scene for future replays. Essentially, you're letting them unlock more of your wonderful attention by doing actions that smooth out the wrinkles in the daily routine. Next time you find yourself falling back on saying stop that or you start resorting to timeouts, consider a change in tactics. Think of your attention as your child's most desired currency and use it to essentially buy behavior that you'd love to see more of. Believe me, the return of interest is something you won't regret. I want to share a little story with you. About three and a half year old, Rachel and her mom, Stacey. Her mom was exhausted from daily battles. When it was time to pick up her son from school, Stacy decided to reach out for some guidance. Rachel had no issue with putting on her shoes or her coat. It was climbing into the car that.

Was the war zone.

Rachel would either sprint away or flop onto the ground like a rag doll. After many minutes of negotiating, bribing, and yes, even shouting, Rachel would finally, begrudgingly make her way to the car. Now let's apply our focus on the positive lens here. From Rachel's point of view, suddenly having to stop her playtime to go on a dull car ride isn't exactly a thrill. Yet it's not negotiable. So here's the twist. I pointed out to Stacy that Rachel was receiving a lot more attention, albeit negative attention, for refusing to get into the car than she was for readily putting on her shoes and coat. So I advised Stacy to invert her approach, offering more acknowledgment for what Rachel was doing right than for what she was doing wrong. Two weeks later, the feedback was overwhelming. Pickup times were now easy, largely because Stacy started spotlighting the segments of the routine that were going smoothly. So here's the key takeaway Kids adore being the center of your universe. Make sure they're there for the behaviors you actually want to see flourish, not the ones that drive you up the wall. Trust me, once you start focusing on the positives, you'll wonder why you didn't adopt this strategy sooner.

Now, I mentioned last week that I was going to start this new feature where I would answer a question I had received recently. And so today I'd like to answer the question of a lovely mom who wrote and sent me a DM on Instagram and I'm going to share you what she wrote to begin with. So here we go. My 3 year old girl will at times smother my 1 year old with hugs, albeit too roughly. Anytime my 1 year old is quietly playing with a toy, my 3 year old will take it away from her and sometimes hit her with it. If my one year old is just even sitting in the wrong place, my three year old will push her. My husband has gone a lot for weeks and weeks at a time so I'm already running on empty. I always try to parent firmly, calmly and consistently, but it's hard when my tank is empty. I can't get a good homemade dinner on the table, get dishes washed, and police my children all at the same time. I've raised my voice a bit and that seems ineffective and then I feel guilty. I've tried times out but she still won't sit still and I'm too nervous to put her in her own room unsupervised just for safety reasons. I don't want to fall into the trap of a reward system. And then the mom signed off at this point. So I want to thank you for sharing this concern and it's a really common problem. So let me reassure you, you are not alone. But it does sound pretty tricky trying to do all this and be everything on your own. The overlying theme here is your older child is too rough with the younger one. Now, as with any toddler behavior issue, we need to look at the emotions behind the behavior. Think of the behavior as the icing on the cake, but there's a whole range of ingredients or emotions that form the cake. So you might be reacting to the behavior without considering the underlying emotions that are fueling that behavior. Plus, on the flip side, it sounds like your three year old wants to interact with her younger sibling. She might not really know how to do that. However, regardless of what's going on, safety always comes first. So for instance, when your child takes a toy and hits her sibling, I'd say something like you seem angry at your sister and you can be angry, but it's not okay to hit her with the book. I'm going to take that book away and put it over here so no one gets hurt. Now, practically speaking, I'd look at what you do proactively. A big hearted perspective is that your toddler has complicated emotions about her siblings and that these come out in aggressive and unwanted behaviors. So we need to manage the behavior and the emotions instead of just correcting the behavior after it happens. So I would ask myself what can I do differently to stop my 3 year old from being aggressive and think about all the layers of the cake. Let's look at how to stop the behavior and acknowledge and understand the underlying feelings. So so first of all, just as we talked about in today's podcast, I'd focus on the behaviors you want to see more of. Catch those tender moments and comment on them. Another crucial ingredient is to give your child daily emotional vitamins. And by that I mean whispering I love you, giving a quick hug and when you can manage some one to one time where your child leads the play, these steps will fill her need to feel loved and valuable. Honestly, special quality time with your child will make a big difference, even if it's just five minutes a day. Now chores are also a great way of boosting self esteem and giving your child a little bit that role of the elder child. So give very simple chores like laying out the napkins at the table at mealtime. You want small chores that your child can do successfully. Sibling relationships are in many ways fragile. You want to be careful not to label your older child the troublemaker and the younger one the vulnerable one. Try not to intervene if you don't need to. For instance, if your older child takes a toy away from the baby but the baby doesn't really care, you don't need to say anything in the moment, just take note of it and think about how can you encourage respecting each other's space, taking turns and sharing at an unrelated time? So you see, we're not ignoring it, we're just turning it into something you need to teach your child about as opposed to punishing them. Use a big hearted interpretation of the problems. So let's say your toddler is hugging too hard.

Put yourself in your toddler's shoes for.

A quick moment and try to understand what she's going through. Now I'm guessing here because I don't know your child, but I could imagine something like I really love my little sister, although I also find her really annoying and she takes up too much of mummy's time and I resent that. In other words, you can see that.

She has mixed feelings and this might.

Be a little bit scary for her. And that's where being firm but kind helps your child to feel safe knowing you're in charge. So now you see there's a mix of good and not so good feelings. Acknowledge those feelings. Sometimes you love having a little sister and sometimes not so much at another time. I'd work on the rough hug, but I wouldn't focus on how not to hug. Instead, I'd say, hey, want a really yummy hug? And I'd give her one. And then I'd ask her to go give her sister a yummy hug and then comment on it. Oh, that was a lovely hug you just gave. Lastly, I would do a reset. It sounds like your daughter is enjoying the negative attention she's getting, so let's break that cycle. Don't take the bait. Remember, your toddler is just acting her age and she's a really good kid struggling with some big emotions. Expect change to happen slowly.

Emotions need to change for behavior to.

Change and emotions change slowly. Lastly, is there any way you could get some help like a teenager down the road who could help while you're preparing meals or putting the kids to bed? Because it sounds impossibly hard to do this on your own and I'm guessing you don't have any time to recharge yourself either. I'm sure you're running on empty, so I would encourage you to accept any help that allows you to get some time to take care of you. It's not a luxury, it's a necessity. In the meantime, keep up the good work. The very fact that you're looking for ways to manage things differently is how I know that you're a fantastic parent. If these kind of strategies resonate with you, check out our online courses, Toddlers Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. You'll find lots of solutions that are big hearted, just like the ones we've talked about today. You'll find the link to the courses in the show notes. Have a great week, happy parenting and we'll talk soon. Sa.