In this solo episode of the Toddlers Made Easy podcast, Dr. Cathryn Tobin—retired pediatrician, parenting author, and mother of four—explains why toddlers often develop new, seemingly sudden fears during the toddler and preschool years. She links the surge in fear to a rapid expansion of the child’s imagination, which allows them to envision threats that aren’t present, while their still‑developing self‑regulation skills leave them unable to dismiss those imagined dangers. Dr. Tobin argues that logical reassurance (“there’s no monster”) is insufficient because toddlers lack the experiential library adults use to assess risk. Instead, she recommends a four‑step, research‑based approach: (1) acknowledge and validate the child’s feeling of fear, (2) give advance warning when an unfamiliar event is about to occur, (3) provide the child with words to label the emotion, and (4) use gradual, small‑step exposure to the feared stimulus. She illustrates each point with brief anecdotes about her granddaughter Sloane (pre‑warning before guests arrive) and her son Max (gradual dark‑room exposure). The episode emphasizes that fear itself is a normal, protective system; the goal is not to eliminate fear but to help children build a richer “library” of experiences so they can self‑soothe and assess danger more accurately over time.
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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical, research-based parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Cathryn, a recently retired pediatrician with more than 40 years of experience. I'm the author of 3 parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, I'm the mother of 4 amazing adult kids. And then there's Smudge, my great big golden doodle who thinks he's a lap dog. Today we're talking about little kid fears. Maybe your child used to take a bath happily and now he or she is terrified they'll get sucked down the drain, or they used to sleep in a dark room And suddenly they want the hall light on, or they've become afraid of dogs, or the vacuum cleaner, public toilets, strangers, or a noise that didn't bother them last week. You may wonder if something happened that's making your child fearful, but new fears during the toddler and preschool years are a very normal part of development. And one reason is actually something wonderful that's happening in your child's brain. Their imagination is growing. You see it when a banana becomes a telephone or your child makes a cappuccino for her stuffed animal. Your toddler can now think about something that isn't actually in front of them, and that's a big developmental leap. But there's another side to it. Your child has a vivid imagination but lacks the tools to manage it. So the toddler who can imagine the teddy needs his coffee can also imagine something scary in the dark. And while you can think, well, there's obviously no monster behind the curtain, your child may not be able to reassure themselves so easily. Their fears feel real even when the danger isn't. So if your child seemed fearless, let's say 6 months ago, and is suddenly afraid of things that never bothered them before, it doesn't mean they're regressing. Their thinking has become more sophisticated. And there's another important piece to understand. Fear in itself, it isn't really bad. Fear is part of a system that helps humans stay safe. It makes us pay attention when something is new or unexpected or potentially dangerous. The difference is that we've had decades of experience to help figure out whether something is actually a threat, while a young child doesn't. I saw this recently with my granddaughter. She was happily playing in our toy room when When she heard a noise she hadn't heard before. She immediately ran to the couch, climbed up, and she pulled a throw over herself. And from a toddler's point of view, that makes perfect sense. You and I hear a strange noise in the house, and we can usually come up with a few possible explanations. Maybe the furnace came on, maybe someone closed a door, maybe something fell upstairs. Little kids have a much smaller library of experience to draw from. So my granddaughter simply didn't know what that sound meant yet. Toddlers are constantly building that library. The blender is loud, but it doesn't hurt me. Water disappears down the drain, but I don't. The automatic toilet makes a huge noise, but then it stops. And each experience adds something to that library. This is where we adults can get ourselves into trouble, however, because we know there's no danger, We try to explain the fear away. There's nothing to be afraid of, sweetheart. The vacuum cleaner can't hurt you. There's no monster in your room. It's just a toilet. Well, we mean well, but logic isn't enough to settle a frightened toddler. Think about it from this perspective. Think about watching a scary movie. You know you're sitting safely on the couch. You know the person chasing someone across the screen can't climb out, but something suddenly jumps onto the screen and your body stiffens. Still reacts. Your heart pounds, maybe you even jump. And you have years of adult reasoning telling you the movie isn't real. Well, your toddler doesn't, and the skills they use to calm themselves, well, they're still developing. So when we say, there's nothing to be afraid of, we're kind of dismissing what feels very real to them. So instead, start with the feeling. You got scared when you heard that noise. The vacuum scared you. You're feeling scared in your room. You don't have to agree there's a monster in the closet. Just notice and acknowledge that your child feels afraid. There's another really simple way we can help as well, especially when we know something unfamiliar is about to happen, and that is prepare them for it. I saw this with my granddaughter just yesterday. She was over for dinner and we had some guests staying with us. Sloane, my granddaughter, can be hesitant with people she doesn't know, and she's often that little girl who hides behind your leg when someone new appears. Now I knew our guests would be coming downstairs, so before they did, I told her they were here and that they were going to be joining us and walking down the stairs in a few moments. I didn't make a big deal about it. I just prepared her. That meant these unfamiliar people didn't suddenly appear out of nowhere. And this time Sloan didn't hide. She was curious. She went over and showed them her new Peppa Pig watch. Toddlers have so little control over what happens in their day. People arrive, machines make loud noises, toilets flush, mom says it's time to leave, a dog barks. When we know something is coming that might be unfamiliar and even unpleasant, giving our child a little warning can help. The blender's going to be loud when I turn it on. The toilet flush is going to sound loud. Some people are coming over for dinner. The doctor is going to look in your ears. We can't prepare children for every surprise, and we don't really need to, but a little predictability can make an unfamiliar experience feel much more manageable. When fears happen, give your child words for what they're feeling. Toddlers experience big emotions long before they can explain them, so they communicate with their bodies. They cling, they cry, they run away, They might even kick or hit you when they feel overwhelmed. Imagine you arrive at a birthday party. You ring the doorbell. Your toddler hears a house full of noisy kids and immediately wraps both arms around your legs. And you say, You're scared to go inside. There's a lot of people and it's really noisy. You can stay with me until you feel ready. Here you see you're helping your child connect the sensation they're experiencing With a word, scared. Over time, that emotional vocabulary gives them another way to communicate what's happening. Now, accepting a fear doesn't mean we arrange life so our children never encounter anything that frightens them. Think small steps. My third child, Max, was afraid of the dark when he was about 3 years old. We did all the supportive things, but after a few months, his fear really wasn't decreasing. So I asked him, what do you think would help you feel safer in the dark? And he said, you. So we came up with a plan when we started sitting in the dark together, at first just for a moment, and then we gradually stayed a little longer. I'd tell him a story, and eventually Max could sit in the dark briefly without me. And later he was able to go to sleep in the dark on his own. We didn't tell him his fear was ridiculous, but we also didn't decide that the solution was keeping every light on forever. We helped him approach something that scared him in small, manageable steps. And each time he got another piece of information like, I was afraid and I was okay. So when your toddler suddenly becomes afraid, try to see the situation through their eyes. Acknowledge what they're experiencing. Give the feeling a name. Prepare them when you know something unfamiliar is coming. And when they're ready, help them approach the fear in small steps. If your toddler suddenly seems more fearful than they used to be, don't assume something has gone wrong. Their imagination is expanding, but their ability to reason through those possibilities and manage the fear is still developing. They simply haven't had enough years on this planet to know what you know. And that's really what it all comes down to. Your job isn't to convince your toddler that nothing is scary. And it isn't to make sure they never feel afraid. It's to help them learn little by little what's safe, what they can handle, and what they can do when something scares them. Every loud blender that turns off, every automatic toilet they survive, every dark room they sit in for one minute, every new person they eventually come out from behind your legs to meet—those experiences become part. Part of that library they're building, and over time they have more to draw from when the next scary thing comes along. They don't need you to make every fear disappear. They need you there while they learn that feeling afraid doesn't always mean they're in danger, and that little by little they can handle more than they think. Thank you for listening to today's episode. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
