When Potty Training Goes Sideways. Your toughest potty training questions, answered

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, your host. When potty training goes sideways, it can be really difficult to know what will help, what might accidentally make things worse, or whether you're dealing with a medical problem. Unfortunately, many parents also wonder if they've done something wrong. Here's an email I recently received: My son Charlie just turned 3 and we're really hoping to get him potty trained. He'll happily sit on the potty, but he never actually pees or poops in it. Then 2 minutes later, his diaper is wet. What worries me most is that he never tells us when he's pooped. Even when it's obvious to us, he'll say he hasn't. Sometimes he keeps playing as though nothing has happened, and I'll pick him up from daycare only to discover he's been sitting in a dirty diaper for quite a while. We've tried sticker charts, encouragement, and patience, and I worry we've put too much pressure on him. Is this common? Could it be something medical? And what should we do next? First, thank you for your question. I wanna reassure you that most families experience challenges during potty training. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your child. Potty training is rarely a straight line. There's ups and downs. And that's just a normal part of learning. Now this mom's question actually brings up several common challenges, but they all point toward one important idea. When potty training isn't going well, our instinct is often to do more, more reminders, more encouragement, more praise, more prompting. But for many children, that extra pressure is exactly what's keeping them stuck. So let's look at what this means in real life. Charlie's happy to sit on the potty. He just won't pee on it. There are very few things young children truly control, and where they choose to pee or poop is one of them. There's no magic phrase that suddenly changes that. But that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. For many children, even subtle pressure creates resistance. So instead of pushing harder, focus on making potty time enjoyable. Read books together, tell stories, play while they sit. And then praise them simply for sitting, not whether they've peed or not. Keep your comments positive, even if your child stands up and immediately pees on the floor. Why am I saying this? Well, children naturally repeat behaviors that get a big reaction. Positive attention is wonderful, but negative attention is still attention. So imagine this: your child sits on the potty, stands up, and pees on the floor. You understandably react, No! Why did you pee on the floor? You were just sitting on the potty! Now I have to clean this up! Your child has discovered that this behaviour gets a really big response. And there's another thing to consider too: kids need to notice their body signals and relax enough to let themselves pee. Now when everyone is watching and hoping, it's often harder to relax. So your child stands up, the pressure disappears, and suddenly they're able to go. And also many kids, especially boys, simply enjoy watching themselves pee. So there's often much more happening than simple defiance. If attention is part of what's driving the pattern, don't try to meet the need during potty time. Fill your child's emotional bucket throughout the day instead. Let them toss the salad, put the napkins on the table, ask them to help you find all the black socks in the laundry. Sprinkle in comments like, I'm so lucky you're my child. When kids' emotional cup is full, potty time becomes less about getting attention and more about learning a new skill. So here are a few other practical ways to lower the pressure. First, encourage your child to stay on the potty a little longer by making it really fun. Again, read together, tell your child a story. Here's a special one: use party blowers or a kazoo or bubbles. Those items aren't just fun. Blowing helps relax the muscles involved in peeing and pooping, which helps your child pee and poop on the toilet. Second, watch for subtle ways we accidentally add pressure. This can look like talking about how another child uses the potty, choosing potty books when your child really wants a different story, repeatedly asking, "Do you need to sit on the potty?" or just saying, "Just try, just try," over and over. Throwing huge celebrations every time they use the potty is also experienced as pressure, or it can be. Or telling your kids they're a big girl or a big boy now, so they should use the potty. Many kids have mixed feelings about growing up, so that approach often isn't as motivating as we hope. And to be honest with you, I catch myself saying those words way too often and I'm really working on it. Now let's get back to Charlie for a moment. Some children sit on the potty, then immediately stand up and pee on the floor. Work while he stands up and pees in his diaper. Sometimes that feels intentional, and sometimes it is, but most often it isn't. Learning body awareness takes time. Your child may genuinely think they can hold it another minute and then discover they can't. Another strategy that often helps is this: don't carry your child to the potty. Instead, say, "When you have that 'I need to pee' feeling, the potty is right over there." And then point: children are much less likely to resist when they're choosing to go themselves. Sometimes things actually get worse before they get better. Surprisingly though, this can be a sign that your child is close to making that big leap forward, so try not to give up too early. The other concern Charlie's mom mentioned is one I hear all the time: he doesn't notice when he's pooped, or He says he didn't poop. Many children are perfectly happy wearing a dirty diaper because they don't want to stop playing. Others deny it because they're trying to avoid another conversation about using the potty. If things have really stalled for whatever reason, it often helps to go back to basics. Spend a day doing bare bottom time so your child can reconnect those body sensations with what their body is doing. Then return to underwear, using diapers for outings and sleep in the beginning. Also, think about where your child is expected to poop. If the potty sits in the middle of a busy room, they may simply want privacy. Think about yourself. Would you feel comfortable trying to poop while people watched? Well, many kids feel the exact same way. Now before we finish, I want to mention one medical issue that's worth keeping in mind. There are others, but this is the main one. Sometimes children who seem to be having poop accidents are actually constipated. Stool can leak around the hard stool and they're pooping without realizing it. And that's one situation. If you think your child is constipated, in other words, they're having very large bowel movements or alternatively very small little pebble-like movements or multiple poops in the day, but they don't pass very much. This is the situation where I would suggest talking with your healthcare provider. Now going back to Charlie's question, I actually love one thing the mom shared. Her son happily sits on the potty and that's a wonderful place to build from. Let him know you're proud of that. Play with him while he sits when you can. And when accidents happen, just keep your response simple. Oops, it looks like you're wet. Next time you have that I need to pee feeling, the potty is right over there. And again, you point. I'd also consider a few short episodes again of bare bottom time over several days so you can help him connect that feeling of needing to pee with getting to the potty. Now when you think about it, potty training really boils down to two skills: recognizing the I need to pee feeling and then getting to the potty in time. Children usually learn this body awareness in stages. First, they realize they've already peed, so they realize it after the fact. Then they notice it while it's happening. And finally, they recognize that feeling before it happens, or in other words, they recognize that "I need to pee" feeling. Well, bare bottom time makes the learning process much easier because you can gently narrate what's happening as it occurs because you can see them since they're not wearing anything on the bottom. So if potty training has gone sideways, remember this: our instinct is often to do more—more reminders, more prompting, more celebrating—but for many children, progress comes when we do less. Less pressure, more patience, more trust that they're learning a skill that simply takes time. So keep putting yourself in your child's shoes. When you understand how they're experiencing potty training, it's much easier to stay calm and encouraging and supportive. Now, if you have a question you'd like me to answer, send it to DrCathryn@healthiest-baby.com. I'll try to answer it here, just as I did with Charlie's mum. Now, if you'd like to potty train without all the stress, check out Potty Training Made Easy. I built this program on 40 years of pediatric experience, so you don't have to sort through random online advice. You'll get a step-by-step a step-by-step plan that shows you when to start, what to do next, and how to handle the bumps along the way. You'll find the tools, guidance, and support you need when potty training feels hard. The goal isn't just saying goodbye to diapers, it's helping your child come out the other side feeling confident and capable while you feel confident in your own judgment as a parent. You'll find more information about this in the show notes. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.