Help Your Toddler Feel Loved When The New Baby Arrives

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Welcome back to Toddlers Made Easy, the podcast where you'll learn practical, evidence-based strategies to make parenting easier, and more fun. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, pediatrician, mom of 4, and grandma to one very sweet little girl. Today we're talking about one of the biggest transitions a family can go through: welcoming a new baby without your older child feeling replaced. Now, before we dive in, I want to mention one quick thing. If you're looking for more support than I can fit into a podcast episode, take a look at my Toddlers Made Easy course. It's where I teach the step-by-step parenting skills that help you understand why toddlers do what they do and how to respond in ways that build cooperation and confidence and connection. You'll find the link in the show notes. Now let's get started. I've always believed in the power of a transitional object, you know, like a security blanket or a favorite stuffed animal, something small and soft that makes bedtime feel a little less lonely, and hard moments a little easier. My granddaughter Sloane has taken this to a whole new level. Her beloved is Honey Bunny. Her mom wisely bought a backup early on because losing the original would have been catastrophic. Then one day on Sloane's birthday, I asked her, Sloane, what would be the very best present in the whole wide world? And she didn't hesitate. She said, another Honey Bunny. So now there's Pink Bunny who lives at our house. And since then, the Honey Bunny family has continued to grow. Sloane is deeply attached to every single one of them. She doesn't have a favorite, and she calls them the girls. Watching her has reminded me of one of the biggest worries parents have before a second baby arrives: Will I love this baby as much as my first? But there's another worry that's often even bigger. Will my older child still feel just as loved? Little kids seem to understand something adults sometimes forget. They don't replace one love with another. They simply make room for more. Sloane never had to choose between Honey Bunny and Pink Bunny. She just loved each one. And love isn't something we divide. It's something we multiply. Now, of course, bringing home a new baby is a little more complicated than bringing home another stuffed bunny. Babies cry, they need to be fed around the clock, they completely rearrange family life. Your toddler may adore the baby one minute and wish she could send them back the next, and that's completely normal. Today I want to share some simple ways you can help your older child feel secure, included, and deeply loved while your family grows. So let's start with when to tell your toddler about the pregnancy. Now, if your child is under 3, I usually recommend waiting until the baby's arrival is close. Toddlers don't have a great sense of time, and telling them months in advance can be confusing because later doesn't really mean very much to them. On the other hand, older preschoolers really enjoy hearing the news earlier. They appreciate having time to ask questions and imagine what life will be like. And when you tell them, keep it really simple. Pull out baby pictures of them as a baby and tell them the story about when they were born. Show them pictures of you when you were pregnant with them. Children love hearing stories about themself, and it really helps them understand that they were once the tiny baby everyone is so excited to meet. Now, as your pregnancy progresses, look for little ways to include your toddler. Maybe they help choose a sleeper. Maybe they pick out a stuffed animal. Maybe they help decorate the nursery. Maybe they read a book to your tummy or sing the baby a song. These aren't huge things, but together they send an important message. And the message is, you're part of this. This is happening with you, not to you. Sloan, for instance, has everybody, everybody come and feel her mommy's tummy. And that is her way of being included. It's also helpful to prepare toddlers for what newborns are really like. Many children imagine they'll instantly have someone to play with. Instead, tell them babies mostly eat and sleep and cry and need diaper changes. You can explain that babies need lots of time to grow before they can play hide and seek or build towers. Setting realistic expectations now helps prevent disappointment later. Now, as the delivery gets closer, let your toddler know what to expect. Who will stay with them? Who will bring them to see you? When will everyone come home? Predictability helps children feel safe. Then comes the first meeting. Now, many parents put so much pressure on themselves to make this moment perfect, that first meeting. They imagine instant hugs and kisses and lifelong friendship. Sometimes that's exactly what happens. When my second child, who was 18 months old at the time, met her younger brother, she said, "Hey baby, what's happening?" and then she just went off to check out a drawer that was near the bed. Sometimes your toddler looks at the baby for 5 seconds and asks for a snack a minute later. It's completely normal. If they want to hold the baby, wonderful. If they don't, well, that's okay too. Sibling relationships aren't established in that first meeting. They're built over thousands and thousands of little moments that come afterwards. Some families like to have the baby bring a small gift to the older sibling. It doesn't have to be expensive— a coloring book, a flashlight, a favorite snack. Your toddler can also help choose a gift for the baby. Again, it's not really about the presents, it's just a nice little thing if you can manage it. What we're really concerned about is helping your older child feel like they have an important role in this growing family. Now let's talk for a moment about jealousy. Don't assume your toddler will be jealous. Children are wonderfully unpredictable. Some adjust beautifully, some struggle, most do a little of both. Now if jealousy shows up, try to remember what's underneath it. Your child isn't being bad. They're wondering, "Where do I fit in now?" And one of the best things you can do is build little pockets of connection into each day. One way of doing this is with magic time, and that's where you just focus on your child for 5 or 10 minutes. No phone, no chores, no multitasking. Just let your toddler decide what they'd like to do and do it together. Read books, play with the dinosaurs, build blocks, dance in the kitchen. Children don't measure their love by the clock. But now let's get realistic. You have a new baby and you don't have that extra 5 or 10 minutes right away. That's where grandparents and relatives come in. Let them do that quality time at the beginning. And another thing that makes a huge difference is so quick and it's so easy. And I call these love whispers. And you just sprinkle little reminders throughout the day, like, I love being your mom. I love spending time with you. You're so much fun. I'm really glad you're my child. These tiny moments of reassurance add up and mean everything. Feeding time can be tricky as well because babies spend so much time eating at first. So keep a special basket of toys or activities that only comes out while you're feeding the baby. Maybe it's stickers or Magna-Tiles or puzzles or books. Keep rotating them if you can to keep them interesting and give your toddler something special to look forward to. And here's another small change that has a surprisingly big impact. Try not to make the baby the reason your toddlers can't have something or do something. So instead of saying, "I can't play with you right now because I have to feed the baby," say something like, "I'll come play as soon as I'm finished. Why don't you decide what we'll do first?" Or instead of, "We can't go to the park because the baby's sleeping," say something like, "We're going to the park after nap time." It's the same plan, but your toddler is less likely to see the baby as the root of the problem. And finally, remember that all feelings are welcome. That's easier said than done. If your toddler says, "I don't like the baby," or "I wish the baby would go back," take a deep breath. Those words don't mean your child is unkind. They're telling you they're having a hard time. You don't have to convince them that they shouldn't feel that way. You can simply say, "You're having a tough time today, sweetheart. I get it." Or, "You miss having Mommy all to yourself." When children feel understood, those big intense feelings become easier to manage. And during those first few weeks, don't be afraid to lean on grandparents for friends or other people who love your kids. A trip to the playground with Nana, a cookie date with the aunt, an afternoon baking with Grandpa. These moments remind your older child that while the family may be growing, their place in it hasn't changed. Watching Sloane with all of her honey bunnies reminded me of something I hope every parent remembers. Children have an amazing capacity to grow their hearts. Our job isn't to pretend life won't change because it will. Our job is to help our older child discover that even though the family is changing, the love isn't shrinking, it's growing. And with every little preparation, lots of reassurance, and plenty of moments of connection, you'll be helping both of your children build a relationship that lasts for a lifetime. If today's episode If this episode resonated with you, the Toddlers Made Easy course is where I teach these skills in depth. We go beyond individual tips to help you really understand why toddlers behave the way they do and exactly how to respond with confidence. I truly love helping parents understand what's beneath their children's hard moments and create calmer, happier homes. So please keep up the good work and I'll see you next week.