3 Reasons Kids Resist Bedtime

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Liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty. Hey there, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, the host of Toddlers Made Easy, the bite-sized, no-fluff podcast where we cut through the noise and get straight to what matters. And today we're going to talk about 3 reasons kids struggle at bedtime. Does bedtime feel like an uphill battle? If so, you're really not alone, and it's not because your child is difficult either. Let's break down the real reasons kids have trouble falling asleep and how you can transform your bedtime from stressful to serene. Now, the first point is one that is probably the most important of all these points. And that's separation anxiety is a major cause of difficulty at bedtime. So bedtime can bring up the same anxiety kids feel during daycare drop-offs or other separations. As the day ends, they might get anxious about being apart from you, which makes it hard to settle down and fall asleep. And just to complicate things, as a toddler becomes more independent, they also become more aware of these separations. Let me paint a little picture for you. Imagine this. It's 8:00 PM. You finally got your little one tucked in and you're ready to relax for the evening until you hear those little footsteps. Mom, I'm thirsty. So you go and you grab a cup of water, hoping that that'll be the last request. But 5 minutes later, Mom, I need to go to the bathroom. And just when you think the night's finally winding down, You get, "Can I have one more hug, Mom?" It's a marathon of small requests, and suddenly that peaceful bedtime routine drags on forever. My son Max, my third child, he was a pro at this. His specialty was popping out of bed the second he was tucked in. One night I actually counted 35 pop-ups. Now, it would have been easy to get really frustrated with him, and to be honest with you, I had to fight those feelings. Especially since I had so much work to do. I'd brought all this charting home from the office so that I could spend more time at home with the kids, but that meant I had more work to do after they went to bed. But I knew this stalling wasn't about pushing my buttons. Bedtime stalling is really about separation. We're asking our kids to stay alone in the dark for a really long time, and kids feel so powerless at bedtime, which really doesn't help. So what do kids need to make bedtime easier for them, let alone for us? Well, remember how in the last episode we talked about the importance of setting and holding boundaries? And although it's really hard, kids need us to be that sturdy leader. That's what makes them feel safe and able to relax. Here's the first step in doing this. Help your child feel seen by saying something like, You really wish it wasn't bedtime. I get it, sweetheart. It's hard to say goodnight when it feels like forever until we see each other again. You know what, honey? I miss you at bedtime and you miss me, and that's because we love each other. But at the same time, clear and loving limits are crucial when your child starts using stalling tactics like asking for another hug or more stories. When they ask for just one more something, Gently remind them of the routine. We'll read 2 stories, then it's time to sleep. Consistency helps your child feel safe and know what to expect, even if they're feeling a little anxious. Now, by blending empathy with loving guidance, you'll help your child feel more secure, and bedtimes will become smoother for everyone. And here's a story I thought you might relate to. I once worked with a family whose toddler, Jake, was running the bedtime routine. He would have 10 books, 5 songs, and every person in the family would come by themselves and say their goodnights. It was a full-blown production every night. Now, when I suggested cutting down their bedtime to 3 books and sticking to a 20-minute routine, the parents thought this was impossible. It would never work, and they were really hesitant to give it a try. But here's the thing: within a few weeks, Jake was going to bed with only minor complaints, and he wasn't getting up again until morning. That small shift made a world of difference. The second point is fears. "No, Mommy, don't go." Does your toddler struggle to wind down for sleep? Bedtime fears are very common. They typically start around age 2, and they last for years. They may include fears of the dark and monsters or noises in the room. And these fears, paired with developmental factors like separation anxiety and defiance and an immature ability to manage emotions, make bedtime a challenge for many families. When it comes to managing fears, avoid dismissing them. Instead of saying, "There's nothing to be afraid of," try, "You're scared of monsters, and that's okay." Mummy and Daddy, or whomever, are here to keep you safe. Encourage your child to use a security object like a stuffed animal, realizing that stalling is a toddler's way of just wanting to be close to you. Remember, bedtime fears aren't manipulation. Toddlers resist because they don't fully understand their feelings, and being with you makes them feel safe. So be calm. Collected, and kind in holding bedtime boundaries. Even if your child is protesting, you can be the kind family leader. Lastly, it's important to help your child develop these self-calming strategies during the daytime. So things like learning to do deep breathing or to say a mantra. So teach your child how to what I call smell a flower, which is inhale deeply or blow out the candles. 'exhale slowly' to calm their body when they're scared. You can also introduce a mantra like 'mommy loves me, daddy loves me, Deborah loves me, Vicki loves me,' and that helps a child soothe themselves. Staying on the same team with your child rather than thinking of stalling as manipulation, it makes a huge difference. So take a few moments for yourself before bedtime, stick to a reasonable routine, and remember, this stage will pass. Now, I would avoid labels like calling your child a bad sleeper and instead say, "You're having a hard time going to bed now, but I know you'll find it easier sooner." That helps your child learn important emotional and self-regulation skills that will benefit them for life. And I absolutely love this next parenting hack that will help you deal with nighttime fears and separation anxiety. This taps into your toddler's natural desire to care for others. During the day, introduce a stuffed animal, let's call him Honey Bunny, and explain that Honey Bunny feels scared or lonely at night and ask your child to help Honey Bunny by bringing Honey Bunny to bed and giving him extra hugs. This gives your child something to focus on other than their own worries, and having a comforting object to hold onto makes a child also feel more secure. I've used this for so many years and it's so helpful. The next point or reason why children have difficulty at bedtime has to do with the timing of when they go to bed. There's a natural window for falling asleep, and if you miss it, your child can get overtired. And when they're overtired, their bodies release stress hormones, and it can seem like they're not tired at all. This second wind makes winding down much harder, even though they need sleep more than ever. Generally speaking, an early bedtime, somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30, works best for most young kids. It helps them handle the stress of bedtime better when they're not overtired. And let's not forget, even though there are many good reasons behind bedtime struggles, your child still needs a good night's sleep, and so do you. You deserve some peace and quiet at the end of the day, and there's no need to feel guilty about wanting it. In fact, meeting your own needs helps you be the best parent you can be. Finally, I want to share something very exciting, and that is that I can't believe it, but my book Toddlers Made Easy is going to be released next week. I wrote this book for you, and I know you're going to love it. It would be a really, really big favor if you were to buy this book either before it's released or on the day of release, which is October 22nd, 2024. Thank you so much, and thank you for listening today, and keep up the good work.