3 Ways to Raise a Toddler Who Doesn’t Give Up

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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, the podcast that gets straight to the point because you've got about 3 minutes before someone needs a snack or a Band-Aid or finds the permanent markers. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, pediatrician turned toddler whisperer, mom of 4, and I'm here to give you the tools to make toddler life easier. Let's get going. Now, before we dive in, let's quickly talk about what grit even means. Grit isn't about being tough. It's about sticking with something even when it's hard. It's the kid who keeps trying to zip up their coat. It's the preschooler who falls off their bike and gets right back on. Grit is what helps kids believe, I can do hard things, even if I mess up at first. So the first point of this is to let your kids get frustrated. Picture this: your 4-year-old is trying to button his shirt. His fingers just aren't working. He pushes the button towards the hole. It doesn't get into the hole. His jaw tightens, but he tries again and again. You're across the room watching, and every part of you wants to swoop in and help, but you don't. This is the moment grit is built, not when he succeeds, but in those 12 messy tries before that. It's in the persistence, the problem solving, the sheer willpower to keep going. Now, we've been taught that frustration is something to fix, not feel, but the truth is frustration is that bridge between I can't and I did it. Frustration gives the motivation to keep trying. When we jump in too soon, we accidentally send a message: you can't do this without me. And over time, that unfortunately chips away at confidence and a child's willingness to keep trying. Last week, I watched a colleague's little one, Mary, struggle to zip her jacket. Took her really about 5 minutes, and her mom, her hands were twitching to help, but she waited. And when Mary finally got that zipper up, Mary didn't cheer. She just put her hands in her pockets and said, let's go. So try this. When your child hits a frustrating moment, pause. Instead of fixing it, reflect on what you see. Narrate it. You'd say something like, that button is being really tricky, but you're working so hard on it. Now, if emotions boil over, because not everybody's gonna stay cool and calm when things are hard. But you can step in and offer something like, let's take a break and then you can try again in a moment. Let's move on to the next step, and that is help your child, your young child feel capable. Your toddler wants to help, not pretend help, real help. And yes, I know it might not be easy or timely to let them do that, but when you can, it's exactly what builds a child's confidence and a sense of contribution to the family. Toddlers and young kids are more capable than you think. So let's give them some tasks that matter, but that they can accomplish. For example, a 2-year-old can brush their hair, can help water the plants, wipe spills with a towel, put clothes in the laundry basket, pour water or juice with supervision, dust low surfaces with a feather duster, and choose their own clothes from two options. What I'm really trying to say here, the key is these aren't pretend chores. They're actually real contributions with real consequences. When they spill the kibble feeding the cat, they help clean it up. When they pour the water into a cup and it spills, they wipe the table. These moments build what psychologists call self-efficacy, the belief that I can do things on my own. My friend lets her 3-year-old find all the matching socks in the laundry basket. Is it faster to do herself? Absolutely. But the pride on her child's face afterward, that's grit. Let them try when you can afford the time to let them try. Let them struggle a little bit, but let them help. Even if it means your basil gets ripped into microscopic pieces. And the last point I wanted to talk about today, and it's probably the most important, maybe even the hardest, and that is to give effective praise. Praising your child seems simple, but actually it's a tricky balance. Done well, praise builds confidence. You've probably said things like, "Good job," or, "You're so smart," and that sounds really encouraging, but statements like these don't actually help your child persist. To be honest, I catch myself saying phrases like that way too often when I'm with my granddaughter. It really takes an effort to rein it in, but I do because research shows that empty praise can make kids feel less likely to try new things or to stick with something when it's hard. Around 3.5 to 4 years old, you may notice your child becoming more sensitive to failure. They may cry, shut down, or even hit themselves after making a mistake. And that's because they're starting to develop a real awareness of their abilities. And they're asking themselves, what does it mean if I can't do this? So this is a golden opportunity to shift how we praise our kids. Thanks to psychologist Carol Dweck and her work on growth mindset, we know that praising effort rather than outcomes helps build resilience. Kids who are praised for trying rather than for being smart or good are more likely to keep going when things get tough. And let me show you what I'm talking about. So here's the difference. Instead of saying, "You're so smart," say something like, "You really stuck with that even when things got tricky." Or instead of, "Wow, that drawing is beautiful," say something like, "I love the colors you chose. I saw you really thinking about which colors to use." Here's a little simple formula that can help you: notice the behavior, name the effort, and then connect it to a quality. So instead of, great job cleaning up, say, you put every toy back where it belongs. That's so helpful. Or instead of, you're such a great artist, say, you kept mixing those colors until it looked just how you wanted. That's really creative. This type of phrase teaches kids to value the process, not the product. It shows them that persistence matters and they have what it takes to rise to a challenge. And when your 4-year-old gets overwhelmed by a mistake or starts spiraling into self-criticism, you can gently say, mistakes mean you're learning. And every time you try again, your brain is growing stronger. These small shifts build over time and they become part of the voice your child hears in their head when things get hard. Grit isn't built in a single moment. It's built in those quiet, repeated efforts we often overlook. In the pause before we help, in the messes we let them clean up, in the words we choose to reflect effort over outcome. These are the moments that shape how a child sees themselves. Capable, resilient, and ready and able to face hard things. Raising a child who doesn't give up isn't about pushing them harder. It's about standing beside them. While they figure it out. Parenting is hard, and it's the most important job there is. You don't have to do it alone. That's where the Big Hearted School of Parenting makes a difference. It's the only membership just for parents of young kids. It has real-life tools, expert guidance, and a community that truly gets it. Plus, there's Dr. Cathryn Tobin, where you can get advice, 24/7. Because let's face it, loving your child is natural, but parenting them is a skill, and we're here to help you. Thank you for listening. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.