Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician, explains why toddlers hit and how to respond. Toddler brains are still developing, so hitting is age-appropriate, not malicious. They hit for attention, lack impulse control, use it to communicate unmet needs, and don't yet understand that it causes pain.
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Liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty. Hey there, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, the host of Toddlers Made Easy, the bite-sized, no-fluff podcast that gets straight to the point. So pull up a chair, grab your coffee, or wine, no judgment here, and let's chat about something we've all dealt with: toddler hitting. I remember the first time one of my little patients, Zoe, smacked her playmate right on the nose. Her mom was mortified. Over the last 3 decades in my work as a pediatrician, I've learned so much about why tiny humans do things like this. So I'd like to share what I've learned with you. Let's dive into what's really going on in those crazy awesome little minds and sometimes those pretty frustrating little minds of theirs. The first thing is I'd like to look at the big picture before we get into the nitty-gritty. Let me share a little secret that has changed everything for me. When we truly understand our kiddos' behavior, guiding them becomes so much easier. Instead of losing our cool—been there, done that—we can approach those tough moments with a a big heart and steady nerves. Knowing the why behind your toddler's actions, whether it's hitting or epic meltdowns or testing every single limit we set, gives us the super mom powers to respond in ways that help your toddler grow and keeps our bond with them strong. It's not about controlling your toddlers, as if we could, right? It's about understanding their needs and feelings, which makes all the difference in navigating this wild ride of toddlerhood. Now let's break things down into the 5 things you need to know about hitting. Number 1: Toddlers are not mini adults, no matter how sassy they act. So picture this: you're at the beach and your little one is building the most amazing sandcastle. Suddenly another kid comes over and stomps right through the castle, and before you can blink, your sweet little angel has whacked the other child with their plastic shovel. So here's the deal. Our toddlers aren't just smaller versions of us. Their brains are like a computer that's still booting up. When they hit, it's not because they're mean or badly behaved. They just don't have all the software installed yet to handle big emotions like frustration or anger or disappointment. So the next time your kiddo lashes out, take a deep breath and remember: they're not really being bad, they're just being 2 or 3 or 4 years old. In other words, hitting is just a toddler acting his or her age. Number 2: Toddlers are okay with negative attention. Yep, even timeouts can backfire. Let me tell you about my friend Sarah's son, Mark. This little guy figured out that every time he hit his baby sister, the whole world stopped and he got his mom's full attention, even if it included an unpleasant talking to. The truth is, our little kids are attention magnets. They'll take whatever they can get, even if it's us going into full lecture mode about why hitting is a no-no. To them, negative attention is still attention. It's like they're thinking, "Hey, at least Mom's looking at me and not my baby sister." So instead of a big, huge reaction, try a calm, matter-of-fact response. I know it feels less satisfying in the moment, but trust me, it pays off in the long run. And also, I know it's not easy to do, but I also know you can do really hard things. Number 3: Toddlers have poor impulse control, and not just about cookies. Ever told your toddler not to touch something only to watch in slow motion as their hand reaches out anyways? Yep. Welcome to the world of toddler impulse control, or lack thereof. When it comes to hitting, it's the same deal. They get mad and wham! Before their brain can say, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't do that," their little hand is already in motion. Don't worry, they'll get better at this. And for now, our job is to be their impulse control. Gently catch that hand. Teach alternatives like saying, "You can ask for a turn." Number 4: For now, hitting is one way a toddler communicates. Think of it as toddler Morse code. Remember when your baby cried and you had to figure out were they hungry or tired or they needed a diaper change? Well, hitting is kind of like that, but for bigger kids with bigger feelings. Little Zoe, the little girl I mentioned earlier, went through a phase where she'd hit me every time I tried to examine her. I realized she was just trying to tell me she was scared and things improved when I examined her beloved teddy first. Once her mom and I figured that out, we were able to find ways to help Zoe feel safe. So going to the doctor actually became something she looked forward to and was fun. So when those little fists fly, put on your detective hat. Is my toddler overwhelmed or hungry or needing some one-on-one time? Hitting is a toddler's way of waving a big flag saying, "Hey, I've got some big feelings going on over here." And the fifth point is toddlers don't fully understand that hitting hurts. Empathy is still a work in progress. Last week, I watched my friend's daughter happily bonk her dad on the head with a toy hammer, giggling the whole time. She had no clue it might actually hurt him. You see, little toddlers are still figuring out this whole empathy thing. They know hitting isn't allowed because we've told them a million and one times, but they don't always get that it's because it causes real pain to someone else. This is where big-hearted guidance comes in. When it happens, which hopefully it won't, but probably will, We can say something like, "Ouch, that hurts. Gentle hands, please." And over time, your toddler will start to connect the dots. All right, so you've made it through this little mini crash course on toddler hitting. Remember, this phase doesn't last forever, and that's something I promise you. And every time you respond with calm and composure, you're teaching your little one valuable lessons about emotions and communications and kindness. Some days it'll be harder than others, and that's okay. We're all just doing our best. So be kind to yourself. Celebrate the small victories and know you're doing an amazing job. Next time those little hands start flying, take a deep breath, channel your inner calm, even if you have to fake it. And remember, this phase is going to pass. And in the meantime, I'm right here cheering you on. Have a great week and happy parenting.
