Podcast episode (Toddlers Made Easy) by Dr. Cathryn Tobin offering practical, research-based advice for grandparents on understanding and managing toddler tantrums. It explains why tantrums occur (immature emotional brain, limited speech, hunger/tiredness, transitions), advocates a gentle-but-firm parenting approach (validate feelings, stay calm, sit at eye level, comfort as tantrum wanes, teach afterward), and stresses maintaining boundaries while avoiding fear-based tactics. The episode also notes intergenerational conflicts (43% of parents report conflicts with grandparents) and directs listeners to further courses.
Chapters
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's.
No fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books.
The founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I just became a mother a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge My great big goldendoodle.
Being a grandparent is truly wonderful, awesome and fantastic to say the least. But it also can be a bit tricky. Parenting attitudes and goals have undergone significant changes over the past few decades. And it makes sense that parenting styles have changed. And because research has taught us a great deal about toddlers, routines, attitudes and ideas have all changed over the last few decades. Now, I know it's hard not to take it personally when your kids complain about something you do with the grandkids. Or maybe you think something like, well, you were raised with X, Y and Z and you're fine. But every generation has its own routines and priorities and and arguing about these differences, it can really damage relationships. So I know it's strange for our kids to be telling us what to do, but instead of taking it personally, I'd celebrate the good job you did in raising a child who isn't afraid to voice their opinion and who cares passionately enough about how she raises her child. According to a recent study, 43% of parents report conflicts with grandparents about discipline, food, screen time and bedtime, in that order. So in an effort to keep the lines of communication open, I'm devoting this episode to grandparents. And today we're going to focus on how modern parents manage tantrums. It's helpful to understand the thinking behind their approach, so let's dive in. As I've mentioned, there's been a huge change in how we see and relate to toddlers thanks to the new understanding of how a child's brain is wired and how it matures. So simply put, the part of a toddler's brain that makes decisions and controls emotions, it's still developing. And right now, emotions override logic. Because a toddler's brain is immature, toddlers seem out of control because the emotional part of the brain is running the show. Studies have shown that fear based methods like time out or losing privileges, yelling and threats are not necessary to encourage good behavior and respectful, well behaved kids. Today, many families opt for a gentle but still firm approach. This is known as gentle parenting, and it's based on helping kids feel seen and heard and understood. And it's grounded in the understanding that a strong relationship with your child is a crucial building block for emotional health. And all of that makes really good sense. So let's say a child is having a temper tantrum. Well, we know from recent research that a child can't manage these strong feelings.
They're going to lose it and they.
Can'T articulate what they want. So all those confusing emotions come out as a tantrum. Now, today's parents realize tantrums are normal and they're healthy.
And they'll allow a tantrum to run its course. And then when it's just fizzling out, they'll step in and comfort their child.
And also they'll teach their child other ways of managing whatever situation preceded the tantrum.
Toddlers don't throw tantrums to manipulate you. That's how we used to think. Tantrums are most common in the one to three year old age group.
They're more likely to occur with young kids because their speech is still limited.
And they can't express their needs or.
Control their emotions when they're frustrated.
Temper tantrums in young children, they can.
Be caused by a variety of factors.
For instance, as children grow and seek independence, they want to do more than they can physically and emotionally handle. And this leads to frustration and then a tantrum. Hunger, tiredness, boredom, those can also cause tantrums. Transitions, meaning changes from one activity to another, such as leaving the park to go home for lunch, can also lead to tantrums. Feeling unseen, experiencing something, being taken away, struggling to understand instructions, or feeling worried and stressed, all of these can lead to tantrums. Today's parents are encouraged to think, my child is a good kid having a tough time, or a tantrum is just a toddler acting his age. They're also encouraged to think about the feelings behind the behavior. Now, because the emotional part of a toddler's brain is running the show, trying to reason with them during a tantrum, especially early in a tantrum, it's just not effective. In fact, it can actually aggravate things.
Tantrums are best managed by getting down to your toddler's level and sitting on the floor or crouching down near to them so you're not towering over them, you're much less threatening when you're at eye level, and this in itself is calming. Bring calm body language. Your toddler is going to soak up your calm Say something like, I get it, but without using your words. So make comforting noises or stay close and just send the message you understand and you're there for them. When a tantrum is winding down, you could say something like, it's really hard when you don't get what you want. I understand, sweetheart. Later, when a child calms down, comes teaching based on whatever was felt to be responsible for the tantrum. Think about tantrums like a dance with two partners. Each partner has an impact on the outcome. Now, you can shorten a tantrum and reduce its intensity just by remaining calm. But what can intensify a tantrum? Well, sending your little one away for a timeout, or bribing them with comments like, I'll buy you an ice cream if you stop crying. Or saying something like, stop crying, it's not a big deal. Or there's nothing to be upset about. So instead, when the tantrum is fizzling out, say something like, I'm right here when you're ready for a hug, or you're really sad you can't eat pizza for breakfast. I get it, honey. Now, before we move on, I want to talk about one last thing. You may be worried that gentle parenting means permissive parenting, but I want to reassure you, setting and holding limits are a priority in this approach. Parents know that kids need to learn right from wrong, and they do this by holding firm boundaries, even when it's really hard to do. Now, there's so much more I want to share with you. In fact, if you want to learn more about how today's parents think about and handle problems, I'd suggest you take a look at our courses, especially Toddlers Made Easy. You'll learn how to handle feeding problems, bedtime struggles, sibling fights, potty training, pushback, and so much more. And you'll learn how to do that with what I call a big hearted approach. This will help you understand your kids, who are now the parents, and keep you on the same page. Have a lovely week and happy parenting and grandparenting.
