Dr. Cathryn Tobin explains why toddlers hit, bite, and kick: their brains are still developing and lack impulse control. She walks parents through calming the child safely, then reframing aggression as fear rather than defiance, and teaching communication skills through role-play over time.
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Haley was kicking the wall and shrieking, no pancakes. My niece didn't flinch. She just repeated calmly, "No pancakes." Haley didn't want pancakes for breakfast. And that was it. Haley went from a million to zero in seconds. I expected a soccer ball-sized hole in the wall, but there was just a few scuff marks. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and this is Toddlers Made Easy. And today we're going to talk about how to manage aggressive tantrums. Actually, our goals are bigger than that. Big-hearted parenting is about helping kids feel good about themselves, so managing tantrums is also about protecting a child's self-esteem. First, we need to understand what's going on that explains such bizarre behavior. And I find this step is really helpful because when you understand what having a brain that's still under construction means, you stop thinking you're too soft or stop taking the misbehavior personally, and this is really important because it makes it easier for you to stay calm and grounded. Now I'm going to skip the science lesson and just share the relevant parts. So when it comes to aggressive tantrums, realize your child's body thinks there's an enormous threat and it's reacting protectively, which can include aggressive behavior. You see, your child was born with all the feelings but not logic, problem-solving, or impulse control. So she feels intense feelings but doesn't have the tools she needs to manage these big, big emotions calmly. They basically explode out of her, and that's why kicking, hitting, and throwing happens. We don't often realize this, but adults have meltdowns too. Picture this: you splurged on a family trip to Mexico. You double-checked Everything, all the details. You called the resort twice to confirm you had adjoining rooms. You arrive, you're exhausted, and the front desk says, we don't have adjoining rooms. Well, the kids are too young to be alone, so you're stuck on separate floors. You kick your suitcase, you snap at your partner, and you say things you regret. That feeling, that's a tantrum. It doesn't really feel good to feel out of control, does it? It feels scary, and kids feel the same way. When you realize this, that your child really feels scared, it's easier to stay calm and supportive. What I mean is that during an aggressive tantrum, instead of thinking, my child is angry, think, my child is scared or frightened. So what's the big-hearted way to manage an aggressive tantrum? And by big-hearted, I don't mean permissive. I I mean soft, I mean kind, but still yet firm. Well, first of all, we need to think both short-term and long-term. Short-term basically means managing the tantrum itself, and as always, safety comes first. Safety is always the number one priority. So if safety allows, take a few breaths, let your own nervous system settle down, and then take steps to ensure safety. I know many people say something like, "I'm not going to let you da da da da da da," and you think they're sending the message, "I'm in charge." But really, kids just hear another no, and given that they hear approximately 300 nos in the day, it's not a turning point for them. Instead, simply let your child know what behavior you want them to stop, like, Hitting is not okay. It hurts. And move away or move your child away. Same as the toys. Throwing toys is dangerous. I'm going to move the toys up here to keep everyone safe. If your child is banging her head on the floor, move her to a carpeted area. I don't want you to hurt yourself. The next step is to get low. Squat down and sit quietly by your child when the aggressive behavior stops. Sharing your calm is the most effective way of shortening tantrum. But wait for the tantrum to be fizzling out before you say or do anything. Then reassure your child by saying something like, "You were really sad that your brother wouldn't share his truck. It's really hard, sweetheart, when you don't get what you want." This isn't the time for logic or lectures or to punish your child. Remind yourself, aggressive tantrums are normal and healthy. The next step is to use a big-hearted interpretation, and that means realize your child is not having a tantrum to drive you crazy. They're actually having a challenging time themselves. For instance, your older child won't share with the toddler. Paul, the younger child, completely loses it and is on the floor kicking and throwing everything within reach. Well, clearly you need to move the toys or move your child from the safety perspective. Then a Big Hearted Interpretation would be: My toddler couldn't contain his disappointment when his brother wouldn't share his truck. He doesn't have the tools he needs to ask for a turn or to talk himself down from the big disappointment. Now let's talk about the long term. This is about teaching your child the skills you realize they need. Let's use Paul again as an example. Here's how I'd talk to him about the tantrum: "Yesterday you were really upset when your brother wouldn't share his truck. The next time you want to play with his toys, say, 'Can I have a turn?'" And then I would role-play with Paul how to ask for a turn, or you could use dolls to reinforce the idea. Recently, my granddaughter went to Disneyland and she was terrified by the fireworks, and she wanted to talk about it over and over and over. When she raised the topic, which she did often, we told her the story about what happened over and over until she seemed to feel comfortable. We didn't give advice or explanations. We just told the story about the loud noise. You were at Disneyland. There were castles and characters, and there were fireworks, and the fireworks were really fun to look at, but they had loud noises that you didn't like. So if your child talks about the tantrum, use the same narration technique to help them put it to rest. And then lastly, next to safety, the most important step in managing a tantrum is to share your calm. Your child's logic center isn't well developed, and that means they have all the feelings without the tools to manage them, in which case your ability to stay calm is one of the most powerful ways to shorten a tantrum. Maybe you're thinking easier said than done, but how you think about a tantrum shapes how you respond. And lastly, some kids need more supervision. Again, because we realize they don't have impulse control, they can't regulate their emotions. Some kids just need you close by to redirect them when it looks like they're going to get them in trouble. And that is a fact of immaturity. As they grow older and develop these skills, You won't need to keep doing this. And sometimes it's just a week or two of shadowing them to show them right in the moment how to deal with things differently. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you found this helpful. Keep up the good work and I'll see you next week.
