Am I Expecting Too Much Of My Toddler?

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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician, mom of 4, and I've got a great big golden doodle who thinks he's my 5th child. I'm also the author of the brand new parenting book, Toddlers Made Easy. Today we're gonna dive into a question I hear all the time. Am I expecting too much of my toddler? Actually, people typically say it, am I expecting too much of my kids? If you ever wondered this, especially when your toddler doesn't listen, give yourself credit for asking such a thoughtful question. Parenting gets a whole lot easier when we adjust our expectations to match what toddlers can actually do and handle. Take sitting still, for example. It's not a skill most toddlers can manage. When you ask for something a toddler can't realistically do, it sets everyone up for frustration. I saw this play out the other day when Jennifer asked her 18-month-old Riley to sit still while we talked about her new baby. I knew that wasn't going to happen. So instead, I picked up Riley and sat her next to me. That small shift made her feel included, avoided a meltdown, and kept things calm. And it all begins with expectations. So let's chat about what's reasonable to expect from toddlers and how adjusting your expectations can make parenting easier and more peaceful. First, let's clear something up: toddlers are not mini adults. Their brains are still growing, and that's where all those toddler challenges are coming from. Take impulse control, for instance. It's a skill they're just beginning to develop. Emotional regulation? They're working on it, but it's like trying to balance on a wobbly board. They're going to fall a lot. Does that mean we stop guiding our toddlers? Absolutely not. It just means that we adjust our expectations. Instead of assuming they'll get it right away, we focus on teaching these skills step by step. Here's an example. If your toddler grabs a toy from another child, you might think they should know better than that. But at 2 or 3 years old, they're only just beginning to understand that other people have feelings too, let alone being able to share. By keeping this in mind, you can approach these moments with more patience while still holding your boundaries, and you'll help your toddler learn without all the chaos and yelling. So what happens when our expectations are too high? Well, for starters, we feel frustrated, which spills over and impacts our response. Maybe we use a harsher tone or dole out a punishment, which really doesn't teach a toddler what to do differently next time. It's also easy to take their behavior personally. You might think, "They're doing this on purpose," or, "They never listen." But most of the time, toddlers aren't trying to frustrate us. They're showing us where they're still learning and what we need to focus on teaching them. Adjusting our expectations doesn't mean we're letting them get away with something. It means we're meeting them where they are at. A helpful reframe is, "They're not giving me a hard time, they're having a hard time." For example, instead of expecting your toddler to calmly leave the playground the first time you ask, expect that transitions might be hard and plan ahead. For instance, say, "You can have one more time going down the slide, then it's time to go." You're still setting a boundary, but you're doing it in a way that's a little more realistic for a child at that age and stage. So how do you know if your expectations are realistic? Well, here are a few quick tips. Number 1, know the stages. Learn what's typical for your child's age. And I'm not talking about those gross motor skills that you can find those milestones anywhere. It's more those social and emotional subtle milestones. Are you expecting your toddler to act older than they are? Well, this might sound something like, Why can't they just behave? Or they should know this by now. Focus on the skill instead of expecting the behavior. Teach the skill. For instance, instead of expecting your toddler to stop yelling when upset, model it. Take a deep breath when you feel annoyed. This way you're teaching your child without really saying a word. Also, celebrate progress. Toddlers aren't going to master things overnight. So look for small wins and highlight those. The more attention we give to behaviors we like, the more these behaviors will happen. Let's look at some of those age-related expectations, the kind that you need to know but aren't easy to find. Let's start with a 2-year-old. What can we expect from a 2-year-old? Well, a 2-year-old is still learning how to handle all those intense emotions and how to control their impulses. It's not unusual for them to throw a tantrum because, for example, their ice cream is too cold. Their language skills are still limited. Although they're learning new words all the time, at this age children still have difficulty expressing their feelings and needs with words. Instead of being able to say, "Dad, I don't like it when you wipe jam off my face," they might simply cry or get frustrated. And their attention span? It's like a goldfish. Your tot will get distracted easily, so don't expect them to sit still or concentrate for long. Also, a 2-year-old may want your undivided attention. Expect frequent interruptions when you're trying to talk to others. Long conversations are unlikely. Plus, they're tiny bundles of energy. Your 2-year-old loves to run and jump and play. And giving them lots of opportunities for physical activity really helps them burn off that energy. This will also help them handle daily stresses, and it perfects their gross motor skills such as walking, running, kicking a ball, walking on tiptoes, and managing steps with support. What about 3-year-olds? Well, they're getting awfully chatty. A typical 3-year-old may have a vocabulary of about 250 to 500 words and may even speak in adult-like sentences, enabling better expression. Emotions are getting real at this age. At 3, a child is beginning to recognize different feelings, though they can still struggle to verbalize them. Imaginary fears start to seem very real to them. They may, for example, start being afraid of the dark. And a 3-year-old is super curious. A 3-year-old asks why, why, why. A lot, and a 3-year-old is getting a better idea of how things work. They can grasp opposites such as day and night, but time concepts such as "we'll go to the park in an hour" are still too abstract. Play is complex and imaginative. They like to play with other children, and imitating adults is very common. Make-believe really helps them work through difficult feelings. I used to like to listen to what my children would talk about when they were playing and I learnt so much about what they were struggling with that way. Social skills are developing, and at this age, toddlers show affection without coaxing. They still struggle with sharing, so focus on taking turns instead. Potty training is progressing. A child of 3 might still be in pull-ups, and they may not be interested in potty training just yet, although most kids will be. Many still need a diaper at night, however. Expect boundary testing. They're learning right from wrong, but they don't always understand the nuances between them. They struggle to understand why they can't always have what they want, and they may become upset if things don't go their way. Tantrums still happen. In fact, they become more frequent because although 3-year-olds understand their feelings better, they still find it hard to express them. Picky eating habits may also emerge at this time, so be prepared for more opinions about foods. And now let's take a quick look at 4-year-olds. A 4-year-old craves desperately independence, and so when time allows, let your child do things on their own. Help out only if they need you to, unless of course safety issues require you to step in. Safety always comes first. This encourages your toddler to persist when things get hard. A 4-year-old likes to explore their physical capabilities, and sometimes this means engaging in risky behaviors. Your role is to keep your child safe while fostering confidence and awareness. Rather than always cautioning your child, try giving concrete advice such as, "Hold on to the railing," or asking, "Do you feel safe?" Managing your expectations is important. If your 4-year-old tends to run off and it's a safety issue, hold your boundaries with words and actions. Say something like, I'm going to hold your hand to make sure you're safe. I know that you're upset, but you can try walking on your own later. Safety always comes first. Sharing is still a challenge at this age. It can be more effective to first teach them to take turns and then teach sharing. This tends to mean a shorter transition into kindness. Time concepts are still confusing for a 4-year-old. They can grasp what today, yesterday, and tomorrow means, but in an hour is typically not yet clear. Instead of lunch is in 5 minutes, try something like lunch will be ready by the time you finish the drawing. A 4-year-old's getting the hang of rules, but knowing right from wrong is still tough. Set simple rules and choices. That's the best way to go about it and expect you'll need to repeat yourself. For all ages in the toddler years, remember they're wired to test limits. That means they learn limits by testing them. It'll be a lot less frustrating if you expect it. And here's today's takeaway. You don't have to be a perfect parent to raise an awesome kid. Here's the real secret. Reframe challenging moments, set boundaries, and nurture your child's unique spirit, even on those days that are fueled by coffee and Goldfish crackers. Thank you for listening today. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting.