Am I Expecting Too Much Of My Toddler?

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting lessons to help you calmly manage the crazy awesome toddler years. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and most importantly, I'm the mother of four absolutely amazing adult kids plus their smudge. Our great big go. Somebody recently asked me why I focus on toddlers, and I think it's a very reasonable question. I'm a pediatrician and in my office I look after kids of all ages, from newborns right to kids becoming new parents. So why toddlers? Why focus on this age group? Well, parents usually laugh when I answer this, but I think toddlers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. So my mission is to help you better understand these little guys so you can relax and enjoy them, and so you can be a change maker and break old patterns and beliefs around toddlers. We can reframe the toddler stage so that the term terrible twos basically disappears and is only found in the dictionary. But it's easy to see where the confusion comes from. A toddler's behavior at times can be completely insane. And the problem is that this is a precious and vulnerable time for a child's developing brain. And the patterns we establish now about how we manage those tricky, crazy moments with our kids, they can persist over time. And it's so much easier to guide your child in kind and effective ways when you understand the innocence behind these challenging moments. So my goal is to help you understand these little humans, as they definitely didn't come with a manual and one would surely have been helpful. So hopefully these talks help fill the gap. Today we're going to focus on expectations because I'm sure you'd agree that pushing or hoping for things that aren't developmentally possible will spare you and your toddler a whole lot of grief and allow you to enjoy more peaceful moments together. So let's start with the story. Picture this. Before COVID in my office, I was meeting with a really sweet mom, Laura, for her new baby's one month well, baby visit. Laura had her toddler with her as well. She had a few concerns about her baby and she was having a really hard time focusing because her toddler wouldn't sit still. She kept telling him, please sit still just for a few minutes. I knew her toddler wouldn't sit still, or at least not for the length of time she needed and wanted him to. Laura was getting more agitated. The baby started crying and couldn't be comforted. And her toddler was just flitting around the examining room, opening every door and cupboard and slamming them shut. So here's the thing. Toddlers don't sit still even if you want and really, really, really need them to. They're on a mission. They're driven to explore. They're not going to sit still unless perhaps you come prepared with an iPad and a favorite movie and a treat. But how do you navigate this with the no screen time advice, especially in your pediatrician's office, where maybe you feel a little judged? Well, that's a question for another time. Now I just want to focus on what's called the expectation gap. Let me explain. Many parents assume that toddlers are capable, or they think they should be capable of doing things that their brains simply aren't ready to do yet. After an extensive national survey of parents of young children done by the organization Zero to three and its partners, it was found that the majority of parents actually overestimate a toddler's abilities. And that's actually a big deal. If you're fighting with your kids about things that aren't actually within their grasp, then maybe you're causing yourself a whole lot of unnecessary grief. In fact, this survey also showed that the majority of parents wish they could stop losing their cool with their toddlers. Well, these two statements aren't unrelated. So it seems to me that the place to begin is to consider our expectations. Are you expecting too much of your toddler? Having unrealistic expectations can lead to disappoint frustration for both you and your child. For instance, this can result in negative feelings for a child who experiences a sense of failure because they're not pleasing you. And from the parent's perspective, unrealistic expectations can cause you a lot of stress and conflict. But here's the thing. Unlike walking and talking, there's much less guidance around a toddler's developmental milestones. So that's what we're going to focus on today. Let's look at some of the results from this study so we can fix that expectation gap. These are the results of the survey done by 0 to 3 organization. So the first thing is 56% of parents believe children have the impulse control to resist the desire to do something forbidden before the age of three. And only 36% believe that children under the age of two have this kind of self control. However, brain research shows that these skills start developing between the ages of three and a half and four years and then it takes many, many more years to be able to rely on this consistently, 43% of parents think children can share and take turns with other children before the age of two where in fact this skill develops between the ages of 3 to 4 years of age. And 24% of all parents believe that children are able to control their emotions and such as not having a tantrum when they're frustrated at one year of age or younger, while 42% of parents believe children have this ability by two years of age. Research shows that this type of self control is also just starting to develop between three and a half and four years of age. Here are some examples of areas of common misunderstanding and the following is an excerpt from my online course Toddlers Made Easy. So number one, in terms of unrealistic expectations, toddlers need to touch, shake and bang everything. That's how they make sense of them. Number two Toddlers really can't resist the desire to do forbidden things. Well, okay, so great. Where does that leave you as a parent? Well, expect your toddlers to challenge you and to do what you just told them not to do, or not listen to you, but realize they still need to learn right from wrong. However, this new understanding of milestones should help you not lose your cool and instead lead with kindness. Number three Toddlers can't express their feelings. Although they have more words, they won't say, hey dad, I'm upset that you told me to go back to bed when I came for a visit in the middle of the night. Instead, toddlers communicate with their behavior and their bodies. Number four Toddlers are easily distracted and they have a limited ability to focus for long periods of time. So don't expect them to sit still for long periods of time or to concentrate on one task for too long. 5. Toddlers are still learning to control their emotions, and it's common for them to have temper tantrums when things don't go the way they want. They have their own priorities and preferences, and you'll find these will change every single day. Number six Toddlers crave independence, but they also need reassurance and support. A toddler is often dealing with conflicting emotions, so remember, and this is a good mantra to say to yourself, misbehavior is just a toddler acting his age. Here's something else that comes up frequently in my office. A parent will ask me, why won't her child, for instance, share toys? His friends share toys, and they're the same age now, although we all do it Comparing our kids to our girlfriends, we or our neighbors or other children is generally not terribly beneficial. Accepting our kids with their unique personalities and priorities strengthens our relationship and builds trust. Thank you for listening today. To ask me questions or share your story, send me an email@drcatherinealthiest-baby.com. you'll find the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you. Thank you again for listening and I'll see you next week.