In this episode of the "Toddlers Made Easy" podcast, Dr. Cathryn Tobin explores how parents often set expectations that exceed toddlers' developmental capacities, leading to frustration for both child and caregiver. She opens with a brief anecdote about an 18‑month‑old who couldn’t sit still during a clinic visit, illustrating how a simple shift in expectation—holding the child close—prevented a power struggle. Dr. Tobin explains that toddlers are not miniature adults; their brains are still developing impulse control and emotional regulation, so behaviors like grabbing toys or having tantrums are developmental, not intentional defiance. She outlines the negative cycle that arises when expectations are too high—sharper tones, punitive discipline, and parental resentment—and proposes a "big‑hearted" perspective that reframes toddlers' struggles as learning challenges. Practical steps include: (1) knowing the child’s developmental stage, (2) noticing parental triggers, (3) teaching skills through modeling, and (4) focusing on progress over perfection. She then provides age‑specific expectations for 2‑, 3‑, and 4‑year‑olds, highlighting typical emotional, language, and social milestones. The episode concludes with a reminder that testing limits is normal development, and that aligning expectations with brain development enables firm yet connected discipline. Listeners are invited to explore Dr. Tobin’s online course for deeper guidance.
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Liberty! Liberty! Today I want to talk about a question I hear all the time, and the question is, am I expecting too much from my toddler? Now, if you've ever wondered that, especially when your child isn't listening, pause for a second and give yourself credit. Asking this question means you're a very thoughtful parent. Parenting gets so much easier when our expectations match what toddlers can actually handle. Take sitting still, for example. That's not a toddler skill, not because your child is defiant, but because their brain isn't built for it yet. When we ask a toddler to do something they can't realistically do, it sets everyone up for frustration. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin Tobin. And welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I want to share a quick story about expectations with you. I saw this play out during an appointment with a mom whose name was Katie and her 18-month-old Riley. Katie asked Riley to sit still while her mom and I talked, and I knew that wasn't going to happen. So instead, respectfully, I picked Riley up and sat her next to me. And suddenly she felt included. There was no power struggle, no tantrum, and she wasn't checking out every drawer and cupboard in my office. That tiny shift, adjusting our expectations of her, kept the appointment calm. You see, toddlers are not mini adults. Their brains are still growing fast, but still unfinished. So this means impulse control is just beginning. And emotional regulation, well, it's a work in progress. So for instance, when a toddler grabs a toy from another child, it's so easy to think they're so selfish, but at 2 or 3, they're just starting to understand that other people even have feelings. And when we remember this, we can stay calmer and still hold boundaries. So what happens when our expectations are too high? Well, We get frustrated, our tone gets sharper, maybe we move towards punishment such as taking things away or threatening consequences. But the thing with punishment is it doesn't really teach a toddler what to do differently next time. We also start taking the behavior personally and say things like, "Ugh, she's driving me crazy," or "He never listens." Most of the time, Toddlers aren't trying to push our buttons. They're showing us what they still need help learning. So what helps is to reframe how we see the situation or the challenge. They're not giving us a hard time. They're having a hard time. That comment, I find it's really overused, but it's so true that I had to use it. Or another way of saying this is, and this is what I would say is from a big-hearted perspective, is you'd think, Kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have. You see, it really matters how we see a situation because it shapes how we respond to it. And in real life, this looks like instead of expecting your toddler to calmly leave the playground the first time you ask, expect that transitions are hard and plan for it. Say, "One more time down the slide, then it's time to go." You see, you're still holding a boundary, but just in a way that their brain can tolerate. So how to check your expectations? Well, first of all, know the stage your child is in. Toddlers have big emotions and small self-control, and that's normal. Feelings basically explode out of them. Next, notice your triggers. Thoughts like, they should know better, or they should be able to do this by now. Well, they often mean that the expectations are actually too high. Next, teach the skill. Instead of expecting a toddler to stop yelling, model, when you're mad, you can take a deep breath. And lastly, look for progress, not perfection, because when it comes to expectations, small wins matter. Now I want to just give you a little overview of a few things of what you can expect for 2, 3, and 4-year-olds. So at 2 years old, expect big feelings with tiny breaks. Expect tantrums over things that don't make any sense. Expect limited language and that feelings will come out as behavior. Expect interruptions, mess, and emotion. And also expect the biggest hugs you've ever had and the kindest little person. A 3-year-old, language is booming. But feelings still outrun words. They have huge curiosity. Imaginative fears feel very real. Sharing is still really hard, so focus on taking turns instead. And also one little thing that may pop up is lying may appear at this age. And your child is going to be so much fun, loving, and creative. Now a 4-year-old has a strong desire for independence. Testing limits is part of learning and part of everything. Sharing and rules are improving, but inconsistent. And if safety is an issue, you wanna hold those boundaries. I'm going to hold your hand to keep you safe. And your 4-year-old will be hugely funny. They'll be developing friendships and they're gonna want to please you. Now, one last reminder before we go. All toddlers are wired to test limits. That's not misbehavior. That's development. That's how they learn. It's what they should be doing. But if you expect it, it becomes far less frustrating. And that's what I call a big-hearted approach. Kids are doing the best they can with the resources they have. And that's why discipline works best when it's tailored to how their brains actually develop. Because what works at 2 years is really not the same as what works at 10 years old. Now, when you parent from this place, you can hold firm boundaries while staying connected, and that changes everything. Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Toddlers Made Easy. It's where I help you end pushback tantrums, bedtime chaos, and so much more while bringing out the best in your child. And the best part is you can do it in under 5 minutes a day. You'll find the link in the show notes. Thank you for listening. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
