Are You Raising A Nice Kid?

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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical, research-based, 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of 2 parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of 4 amazing adult kids and And let's not forget Smudge, my great big golden doodle. Welcome back. Today we're going to be talking about a really important topic. The topic is, are you raising a nice, kind kid? Bear with me while I share a little story from my childhood. When I was a kid, my father would often give my sisters and I a pop quiz at dinnertime. And he'd say something like, "Did anyone do anything kind today?" As a matter of fact, that's exactly what he would say and did say for decades. We would come up with answers like, "I helped an elderly person across the street today," or "I shared my dessert with my friend," and my father would decide whether it was kind or just a nice thing to do. And one of us would be the lucky one who got 25 cents if my father decided what we did was actually kind. So you never knew when my father was going to ask. And so we'd all try and do kind things all the time. And it wasn't about the 25 cents, of course, it was about impressing my father. Raising kids who care about others, it's a very worthy goal, obviously, but it's one that we often don't make enough of a priority. A really interesting study from Harvard Graduate School of Education showed that 80% of young people believe their parents prioritize their achievements and happiness over their capacity to care for others. So what can we do better to make raising kind kids who care about others a higher priority? As a mother with grown children, I've learned that the way we live our lives really influences our kids much more profoundly than the words we use with them to correct them or try and shape their behavior. So much of our parenting is focused on how to correct and shape our kids, but a huge influence is the example we set in our behavior in day-to-day life. For instance, my husband is an exceptionally kind and polite person. He doesn't talk about being kind. He just is. He doesn't ask to be noticed or need thank yous. Now that my kids are adults, I'm seeing the same lovely quality in them. I don't give myself credit for it. I definitely give it to him. I'm not mentioning this to pat myself or my husband on the back, but rather because I want to impress on you that instead of focusing on shaping our kids all the time, we need to spend some time on self-reflection and consider what are our kids soaking up from us. I'm not intending to shame anyone, but your kids are really young and you have a lifetime ahead of you to send the kind of messages you really want to about what's important in life. Now, I'm not suggesting you need to go make a volunteer trip to another country to build a school. I'm talking about those small things we do every day, and the ways we interact with others, let's say the person who bags your food at the grocery store or the waitress who serves you a meal or your letter carrier, just becoming more thoughtful about those small day-to-day interactions, these add up and they make a profound difference on what your kids learn from you. So just remember, please, kids learn from our actions probably even more than from our words. Now let's turn our attention towards other ways to inspire kindness in our kids. Recently, a mom asked me a very fitting question. She said, "How can I make sure my child doesn't become a brat?" And I thought this was a great question, especially with this trend I'm sometimes seeing where gentle parenting is veering towards permissiveness. I'm not saying everybody does that, but I do notice that at times. So we often equate being grateful with saying thank you, and being polite is really important. Don't misunderstand me, but being grateful is about more than being polite. It's one thing to hope our kids turn out kind, but it's another to really make kindness a big part of what your family is about. Again, this Harvard study found that parents prioritize Happiness over kindness. And that shows that we need to perhaps do a better job of showing our kids what really matters to us. Now, again, the first way to manage this is by showing our kids how it's done. Kids are more likely to be kind and caring if they see their parents acting that way, doing things together, like helping out in the community or being nice to people or Just saying thanks to those around us can really stick with a little kid. It shows them how important it is to be kind and to help out when they can. So the next thing is we need to give our kids chances to be kind. Besides just showing them, it's key to give our kids the opportunity to show kindness. Now, this could be anything from just little jobs around the house to sharing with others, to thinking about which charity to donate to. Doing kind things helps them learn to think about other people's feelings and builds up their confidence that they can do good in the world. These aren't the types of feelings that develop overnight. They develop over the years. As toddlers become aware of other people's feelings, you'll notice them naturally making many acts of kindness And this is when it's a good idea to acknowledge those kind acts so your child continues to do them. Kids will do what we notice. Also, talking about what matters is important. So having chats, not lectures, about why being kind is important, it can make a big difference. Whether it's during dinnertime or bedtime, talk about kind things, share stories from books or movies that show how awesome it is to be caring. And as I say in my course, when you see positive things happen, acknowledge them to encourage more of them to happen. When you see your child doing something kind, make a big deal out of it. It doesn't have to be something huge. Even little acts of kindness are worth celebrating. This shows your children that you really value kindness and it encourages them to keep it up. Teaching kids to say sorry and to forgive is a big part of being kind too. It's about understanding other people's feelings and fixing things when they go wrong. It helps kids learn that everyone makes mistakes, but what's important is trying to make amends. Make it a habit to take advantage of ordinary moments that allow you to pause, Notice and ask your child a simple question like, "Is there something lately that you feel really thankful for? Why? What makes you feel that way?" Thinking and talking about gratitude helps raise caring, respectful, and responsible adults. Encouraging kids to notice and think about their needs, but also the needs of others, are small acts that make a big difference. So to wrap this up, helping our kids to grow up to be kind and caring is one of the best things we can do for them and for the world. By setting a good example and giving them chances to be kind, talking about why it matters, and cheering on their acts of kindness, we're on the way to raising kids who will really care for others. The Harvard study reminds us it's super important to focus on being caring, not just on being happy or successful. Let's aim to be those parents who raise kids ready to make a positive difference in the world. I want to wish you all a great week and happy parenting.