Become a Big-Hearted Limit-Setter

Welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, your host, and today we're going to talk about a problem that causes most parents grief sooner or later. I often use the term big hearted parenting to to describe my approach to handling problems with toddlers, and recently a mom asked me to explain what do I mean by this term? And so here's what I answered. The big hearted thing? Well, it's not just some parenting hack I stumbled upon while scrolling through Instagram at three in the morning. It's the culmination of my 35 year journey as a pediatrician, a midwife, a mom of four grown adults, and now also a doting grandma who has seen it all and cleaned up most of it. I've spent decades with families facing the good, the bad, and the inexplicably sticky. In a nutshell, big hearted parenting is the glue that strengthens the bond with your child. So let's dive in and uncover the secrets to saying no or setting limits with your little one with a big hearted approach. In other words, the let's look at how to Be a Kind but Firm Limit Setter Setting boundaries is challenging, but it's also essential. Children need to learn to accept limits, including when they hear the word no. This helps them develop self control and frustration tolerance. Consistently enforcing boundaries also provides a sense of safety, security and predictability. But even knowing that it's important doesn't really make it any easier to say no to your kids. We so badly want our kids to be happy and to like us that many, many, many parents find it really difficult to say no and to stick to it. That's where learning to set boundaries with kindness and firmness comes in. Being kind tends to be the easy part. Naturally, while being firm is what causes most parents grief. Remember, being kind doesn't mean being permissive. It means understanding your child's struggles and guiding them with understanding. Imagine this. You're at the park and your 4 year old Sam wants to play on the swings, but none of the swings are free. Well, Sam starts to cry because he can't have a turn immediately. The situation unfortunately escalates as he throws a few stones towards the swings, screaming and stomping his feet, drawing really uncomfortable glances from the other parents around. It's one of those moments that feel particularly challenging and embarrassing as everyone is watching. In moments like these, children are dealing with really big, intense emotions that they don't understand and don't have the skills to talk themselves back down. It's tempting just to soothe their feelings, but it's also crucial to set clear boundaries. Think of it this way. Let's say you're on a ship in stormy weather. You'd appreciate a captain who not only understands your fears, but also confidently assures you that he's handled situations like this in the past and he'll keep you safe. Well, similarly, children need to hear that you understand their frustration, but you're in control and will guide them through the situation. Kids need you to set and hold those limits to help them feel safe and to learn how to manage those really overwhelming feelings. Now, if you know me, you know that I love methods or systems that make it easier for you to stay on track when you're all revved up. So here's my calm, connect and communicate method for setting limits. Let's start with calm. Begin by keeping your own emotions in check. Take a deep breath and steady yourself before you respond to your child. Number two. Connect. Recognize your child's feelings. Let's circle back to Sam and his tantrum when he couldn't play on the swings right away. Well, you would say something like, you're really excited to play on the swings and and it's really hard to wait in the next point. 3. Communicate. Set the boundary with kindness and firmness. Say it's okay to be sad that you have to wait for your turn. It is never, ever okay to throw stones. Now let's watch until it's your turn, or we can find another fun activity to do while we wait. Let's look at another example. Lucy is upset because her younger brother is playing with her favorite stuffed animal, baby Bear, and he won't give it back. Lucy slugs her brother, who's now crying loudly instead of knee jerking back with Lucy. Get out of here and go to your room. Use the three Cs to gain composure and respond to the problem in a way that will make it less likely to happen again in the future. So we're going to start with calm. You're going to take a moment, that power pause, to let your nervous system calm down. Your human and your nervous system is going to get revved up when your buttons are pushed. But it's more likely you'll be able to approach whatever it is that's thrown your way in a way that makes you proud when you enter the situation calmly and with composure. Now comes connect. Recognize your child's feelings by saying something like, you're angry that your brother's playing baby bear. I get it. And on to communicate. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit your brother or anyone ever. Now, do you want to sit with me or do you want to go find something else to play with until it's your turn? With Baby Bear, this is how you manage in the moment. But that's not enough. We need to think about what skills is my child lacking that this is how they respond. So what skills is my child lacking in this situation? It's what skills is my little one lacking that results in her hitting her brother. And in this situation, I'd say she's missing the tools to ask for a turn. So at a time when Lucy is calm, it doesn't even need to be the same day. I'd say, hey Lucy, remember when you hit your brother because he was playing with Baby Bear? Well, the next time you want something someone else is playing with, say, can I have a turn please? And now let's practice that Lucy. So you can see, with this method, you're not only teaching your child about ways that you don't want them to behave, you're also teaching them how to behave. That's a huge point and it's what's lacking in punishment. So we want to recognize the skills our child is lacking and teach them. Now, before we finish up, let's take a moment and consider. Why is setting boundaries so hard? Many parents find it challenging to set and maintain boundaries because they want to see their kids happy and content. They want their kids to like them. Sometimes giving in is just easier, especially if you're exhausted. But remember, children test limits as a way of understanding their world. Consistent boundaries actually help them feel safe and secure. So here are some additional tips. Offer choices that give a child a sense of control, like choosing another toy to play with until it's their turn. Involve your child in creating solutions such as helping to decide the rules of toy sharing. Now, if you've had it with conflicting advice and unrealistic expectations and you appreciate a big hearted approach, I'm really excited to share our comprehensive step by step program called Toddlers Made Easy Playbook. It's a course created with you in mind based on my 35 years experience as a pediatrician and mama. 4. You deserve solid, reliable parenting information and that's why I put this course together. You'll also discover great bonuses like our Potty Training Made Easy course is included if you buy within the time. Limited offer. Here's what Penny said after watching the tantrum module from Toddlers Made Easy. I never thought the hitting would end. We followed the steps exactly and our daughter stopped hitting within a week and Stella said, I thought I was going to lose my mind until I got this course. Well, Toddlers Made Easy is a seven module course every toddler parent needs that's grounded in this big hearted approach. And there's step by step guidance, 40 plus checklists, 11 downloadable guides that you can share with your caregivers. There's 100% money back guarantee and everything you need to feel calm and confident as a parent while raising a happy and free spirited toddler. This course isn't just about solving problems, it's about equipping your child with the tools they need. In other words, the building blocks for helping them become the best versions of themselves during these critical formative years. If this interests you, you'll find the link to learn more in the show Notes look for the Toddlers Made Easy online course. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting.