Become the Big-Hearted Parent Your Child Needs (and Deserves)

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I just became a mother a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge, My great big golden doodle. A few months ago I joined a writer's group and it got me thinking about my high level approach to parenting. We talk a lot about how to manage specific problems like hitting and biting and whining, but we really haven't talked about the bigger picture up till now, so I thought it would be helpful to talk about this in today's episode. A powerful lesson I've learned after working as a pediatrician for more than a quarter of a century is that parents are naturally big hearted. They're loving, kind and willing to do just about anything when it comes to their kids. And the more I thought about it, the more the word big hearted seem to reflect my big picture or in other words, my approach to parenting a toddler. So today we're going to talk about big hearted parenting. This approach is particularly important for toddlers. Now, when I think of big hearted parenting, I imagine shedding that negative lens of the terrible twos where we view toddlers as difficult and needing to be fixed and instead we embrace the big hearted perspective and see toddlers as incredible, wonderfully unique little individuals who require our support, guidance and understanding. In big hearted parenting, you understand that toddlers want to behave well, but they just don't always know how. They're not misbehaving to be mean or to get you mad or to upset you. When a toddler misbehaves, it comes from an emotional and an impulsive place that's beyond their control because their brains are still immature. Well, a big hearted perspective starkly differs from the negative label of the terrible twos. While the terrible twos tend to portray toddlers in a negative light, a big hearted perspective takes the complete opposite view. Respect and understanding are at the core of big hearted parenting. Personally, I believe toddlers do best when parents have realistic expectations. There are clear and non negotiable boundaries when parents help a child feel seen, heard, understood and valued, and this is an ongoing priority. And when parents look at problems through a big hearted lens so they can bring composure to those messy toddler moments. But what is a big hearted lens? Well, it's a generous way of interpreting challenging moments. We assume the best of our kids and realize that disagreeable moments happen because a toddler's brain is still growing and developing. When you parent from the assumption that your child is a good kid and doing her best and that she's just having a bad moment and needs your help, well, then we can change our negative default position and respond with genuine empathy. We know that toddlers behave how they feel, and threats, timeouts, or finger wagging, well, they don't really help kids behave better. When we look at the feelings and the circumstances behind a toddler's behavior, it becomes a lot easier to manage challenging moments and give our kids exactly what they need most in the moment. For instance, let's say you've been grocery shopping for the last half hour and your toddler's been sitting in the shopping cart as you go up and down those bright, colorful aisles. But suddenly your little guy starts whining, I want candy. So instead of snapping back with cut it out, you put on your big hearted lens and you ask yourself, how would I feel if I'd been sitting in a cart for a long time and I was tempted by all those yummy foods and loud noises and bright lights? Well, you realize you'd likely be overstimulated and bored. And there it is. You realize you need to involve your child in the shopping if you want or need to keep going. So you ask your little one, hey, can you help me pick out the yummiest bananas? Or hey, can you help me pick out the biggest apple? With this approach, parents lean into their natural compassion, understanding and composure during those tricky toddler moments. This isn't always easy to do, and it won't always be possible because we're human and we have a nervous system that gets triggered too. But with this recognition comes a more realistic expectation of toddlers and of ourselves. Toddlers have fewer tools to manage their emotions and therefore outbursts are healthy and normal. In big hearted parenting, we realize there's no such thing as good or bad feelings. All feelings are okay, but that doesn't mean that all behaviors are okay. A big hearted parent isn't a pushover or a permissive parent because, you know, a child needs a family leader in order to feel safe. And even though it's hard to do, you set and stick to boundaries because you know kids need them. Big hearted parenting is rooted in mutual respect and understanding for ourselves and our kids. This involves recognizing the importance of taking care of yourself and not relegating your own needs to the back burner all the time. During the taller years, we build the foundation for how problems are managed to now and in the future. So it's really crucial we get off to a good start with intention and wisdom on our side. Now I'm going to give you a seven day challenge and it's really easy to do and it won't take more than a few seconds, but it can have a really powerful impact on how you feel and handle misbehavior. So when your toddler's behavior needs correcting before you say a word, I want you to pause for a moment and ask yourself, how would I feel in a similar situation? Now this simple step can help you see what your child is experiencing and realize that he or she is just doing their best in the moment. This moment or this pause can really transform your communication. You stop reacting from a negative default position and start responding more calmly and lovingly. Now, if you're game, do this for one week and then please send me a DM on Instagram and let me know how it helped. You'll find me at healthiestbaby to shape a kinder next generation. Let's show our kids a genuine spirit of kindness and unwavering respect. Starting at home. If you want your child to stand up and speak out, then show them that their opinion matters. Starting now. If we want our kids to understand empathy, let's teach them what empathy looks like, starting with them. The Big Hearted approach raises kids who know they're loved and lovable and they grow up and become strong, healthy, happy and resilient adults. Now, if Big Hearted parenting resonates with you and you'd like to learn more about this gentle and informed approach, check out our courses Toddlers Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. There's also some freebies you might be interested in. There's a guide the five Must Do's Before Starting Potty Training and Tame those Tantrums Webinar. All the links to the courses and the freebies are in the show Notes I want to thank you for your time. I know how precious it is when you've got young kids at home, so happy parenting and I'll see you next week.