Beyond Gentle Parenting

Smokey the Bear. Smokey Bear. Then you know why Smokey tells you when he sees you passing through, remember, please be careful, it's the least that you can do. Don't play with matches, don't play with fire. After 80 years of learning his wildfire prevention tips, Smokey Bear lives within us all. Learn more at SmokeyBear.com and remember, only you can prevent wildfires. Brought to you by the USDA Forest Service, your state forester, and the Ad Council.

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual, even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

Hey everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

Oh no, we help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways.

Only pay for what you need at libertymutual.com.

Liberty, liberty, liberty. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where we dive deep into the art and science of raising kids with empathy, boundaries, and connection. I call this big-hearted parenting. It's a healthy blend of love and guidance, and it's grounded in a realistic understanding of toddlerhood. I'm your host, Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and today we're exploring a topic that's on many parents' minds. And that's that fine line between gentle parenting and when it verges into permissiveness. But let's first start with a real scenario many of us can relate to. You're at the park and it's been a great day. There's a lot of laughter as your kiddo plays in the sandbox, but then it's time to go and things take a turn. Your child grabs a bunch of sand toys from the park and decides they're coming home with him. 'My toys,' he says, clutching the shovel and pail tightly. You try to keep it cool. 'Hey buddy, those toys gotta stay here for the other kids,' you say, hoping for an easy fix. But nope, that's not happening. Your child's face scrunches up, and you can see the meltdown coming from a mile away. And there it is, a full-on tantrum right in the sandbox. Toys are getting thrown, sand is flying, and there's loud crying that makes everyone turn and look at you. You're thinking, "Oh great, I just wanted us to have a nice day and now we've gotta leave and this is happening." You're stuck between wanting to be that cool, calm parent and just wishing your kid would listen for once. You've got a million other things on your plate and you were so nice taking him to the park today. As the tears and the shouts keep going, you're feeling that mix of frustration and guilt. It's one of those real parenting moments. It's messy, it's tough, and it's testing you. Now, in that moment, do you negotiate? Do you give in? Do you show empathy? Do you stand firm? Or do you just say definitively no? Well, this scenario, it's not just about the tantrum and the sand toys. It's about understanding the balance in our approach to parenting. It's about holding limits and not feeling guilty about these moments, and also remembering safety always comes first. Today, more than ever, parents are aiming to raise their kids with a strong sense of connection and empathy and understanding. And this trend towards gentle, respectful, and intentional parenting, it's truly inspiring. But the problem is there's a fine line between these noble ideals and slipping into permissiveness. Now, back in 2001, bear with me with a little story here. The book, a great book, Secret of the Baby Whisperer, it encouraged parents to explain everything to their babies. And it was a practice that I really admired for its intent to really connect and communicate with the youngest of minds. However, an unexpected shift occurred in my office. Appointments started to stretch longer and longer as parents meticulously explained every action to their infants. They were saying things like, "We're going to the scale now. The light might be in your eyes and it might feel cool for a moment, but it'll be over quickly." But just to let you know, there were no lights in these babies' eyes. When I designed the office, I made sure that there would be no lights shining in anybody's eyes, that the surfaces would feel warm, because just like I'm always encouraging you to look at the situation from your toddler's perspective, well, I also applied this to designing my office, but that's not the point of this story. The point is that, okay, things went well enough with babies, but it's when this Explaining things was carried on to toddlers, and I don't mean explaining the odd thing, I mean explaining everything. The habit of explaining everything sort of morphed into constant bargaining, and that really disrupted the crucial balance between showing empathy and setting boundaries because everything became a negotiation. Well, being respectful, it doesn't mean the absence of limits, And connecting doesn't mean fulfilling your child's every whim. And guidance? It's far from negotiating each decision as if every day is a session at the United Nations. Parenting needs balance, with a mix of understanding with clear rules. It's as much about leading as it is about listening. And sometimes a firm no is exactly what your child needs. So it shows you're looking out for them with the wisdom that they're still learning. Being in charge isn't about being bossy or using punishment or shame to control your child. It's about being the steady guide your child can lean on. You use your authority or your sturdiness to help teach, not to punish. And this way, Your home is more peaceful, and it's filled with respect and love, trust, and a sense of safety. Big-hearted parenting isn't just about being sweet and soft and kind. It understands toddlers are still learning about the world, and they need approaches that match their stage in life. Seeing toddler troubles through a big-hearted lens doesn't mean letting everything slide. It means moving from blaming to understanding. This approach helps you solve problems in a way that supports your toddler, teaching them how to do better, not relying on punishment or shame, which doesn't equip your child with new or needed skills whatsoever. Big-hearted parenting is actually the glue that strengthens the bond with our kids. Yet it's not about being gentle and kind. It's about responding with exactly what the moment requires from us. There are times when we must stand firm and no really means no because we're in a rush or safety is at stake. And other times we teach and guide. And through it all, we're anchored in the conviction that our child is really a good kid, a great kid, even when they're having a bad moment. Let's look at big-hearted parenting in action. This is a question I received this week from a lovely mom. So the mom, Shirley, asked me, "My 5-year-old is the sweetest kid. He loves his little sister most of the time, but recently he started calling her names: fatso, stupid, ugly, and those aren't even the worst names he used. I tried validating his feelings. Oh, it's hard having a little sister. I understand. And I tried punishing him." 'Go to your room and don't come out until you've thought about what you said.' But you know what would happen? He'd come right out of the room and do the same thing right over and call his sister a nasty name. 'So Dr. Tobin, how can I get through to him?' I found this question was a great one because it's such a common one, and it's really hard when we see meanness in our kids' behavior and we just want it to go away. Many times parents try different approaches in the hopes something will stick, something will work. But here's where that big-hearted interpretation comes in. Ask yourself, if I were calling someone names, what might I be feeling? Perhaps jealousy and frustration. And why would I resort to calling them names? Well, maybe because I feel hopeless or angry about something, Or maybe I just don't know how to manage the situation. So what can we do? How can we respond to our child without shame, without punishment, but still help our kids learn not to use name-calling? So the very first thing in the moment is to do nothing. Create that pause, that space that allows you to calm down. You are human, you have a nervous system, And hearing your child say these mean words likely will get you revved up. So give yourself a moment for everything to calm down before you say a word, presuming there's no safety issues. And then say something like this: You sound really mad. I get it, but in our family, we don't call each other names. Now, you might be thinking, I thought when a child's really emotionally dysregulated, it's not the time to talk to them. And that's true, but in this situation, I'm really more concerned about the little girl who's been having these names thrown at her. And this is a way of telling her you see her and understand too, but that's not the end of it. So this isn't about punishment. It isn't about shaming your child or sending them to the room with the hope that they'll behave better next time. No, we realize, especially when we looked at it from our own perspective, that maybe there's some skills that your child needs to be able to deal with this differently next time. And that's the really important part. So later in a calm moment, maybe that night when you're putting your child to bed or another time the next day, have a chat that goes something like this: Sometimes it's really hard having a little sister, isn't it? Sometimes you probably wish she'd just go away, right? And I understand that, but at the same time, we still don't call each other mean things. So let's think about this. What could we do when you feel so angry at your sister that you can't think of anything to say? Now, because your child is still a toddler, you may need to come up with ideas to help answer that question. So if your child doesn't jump in with anything, jumpstart the conversation by saying something like, maybe next time if your sister's trying to grab that book from you, you could say, you can have a turn when I'm finished. Or maybe if your sister's playing with something that you want to play with, you could say, can I have a turn next time? But do you see how this puts you both on the same team? And when you're both on the same team, your child doesn't feel attacked or ashamed. As your child gets older, they'll be able to contribute more to these conversations and come up with ideas on their own. But do you see how we've changed the focus from just changing behavior to helping your child feel understood and valued, yet still guiding them on the skills they need to stop unwanted behaviors? But instead of being punished, your child is learning new skills to manage things better next time. Now, isn't that really the goal? Help your child manage problems differently while protecting their self-esteem. You see, punishment isn't needed to make this problem go away. Now, in this episode today, we've delved into the essence of big-hearted parenting, highlighting that delicate balance between empathy, and setting and holding clear boundaries. We've explored real-world scenarios that challenge us to blend understanding with guidance, always rooted in the belief that our children are inherently good, even in their toughest moments. By shifting from blame to understanding, we equip our kids with the skills they need to navigate their emotions and interactions more positively. Remember, big-hearted parenting isn't about choosing gentleness over discipline. It's about responding with what's needed in each moment to foster a sense of security, respect, and mutual trust, and teach. Big-hearted parenting strengthens our connections with our kids while guiding them through life challenges with compassion and strong leadership. Now, if the idea of big-hearted parenting appeals to you but seems hard to put into practice, explore our course, Toddlers Made Easy. It's crafted to quickly address toddler challenges by combining tools and strategies that blend insight and empathy with leadership. If you want to master unwanted toddler behaviors by tomorrow, check out our Toddlers Made Easy online course in the show notes. Have a great week, happy parenting, and I'll see you next week.