Beyond Time-Outs: What To Do Before, During, and After a Tantrum

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Liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and this is Toddlers Made Easy. Today we're going to be talking about tantrums, and we're going to look at what to do before, during, and after. But I'm going to start off and just share a little goofy story. This is a story about my son Max's great big colossal tantrum. We were on this wonderful trip in Florida. We had 3 kids under the age of 4 at this time, but we were on a wonderful vacation. And at the end of the day, we'd been on the beach all day and everybody was tired and it took a good 20 minutes just to get the sand off the toys and the sand off the kids' feet and to get the beach toys gathered up and the kids in the car. And so as we were driving home, we decided, let's just go to a restaurant. And we picked somewhere known for getting the food to the tables really quickly. And as we were sitting there, we were all laughing and having fun and the good times were just continuing. And my husband and I were feeling really good. And then my husband just innocently enough reached across the table and asked Max, and at the same time, took a French fry for himself. Well, first of all, no judgment about the French fries, please. Yes, I'm a pediatrician who occasionally let their kids have fries. But nonetheless, the point of the story is all kids have tantrums. Kids that are easy, kids that are challenging, a pediatrician's children, soft-spoken mothers, stay-at-home moms, all kids have tantrums. Tantrums are not only normal, but they're also a sign of healthy development. They indicate that a child's experiencing strong emotions that they aren't yet equipped to express in other ways. And just like infants cry to let you know they need something, well, a tantrum is also a cry for help. Toddlers are passionate little people, and really, they're just big babies. In fact, about 85% of toddlers aged 2 to 3 years old throw tantrums. These usually appear between 12 and 15 months of age. They reach their peak somewhere between 18 and 36 months, and then they start to fizzle out around age 4. Now, interestingly, the most intense tantrums often occur just with parents. Honestly, being a toddler is hard. Imagine this. You can't quite say that you want the blue cup. It doesn't come out sounding quite right, but in your head it is. And you try and you ask for the blue cup and your parents keep handing you baloney. Well, eventually you lose it. Now, wouldn't that make you mad also? Wouldn't you feel frustrated? Maybe not mad, but frustrated. It's confusing sometimes when our kids lose it. Especially when we think we've just given them exactly what they've asked for, or at least we thought that's what they were asking for. So as a reminder, tantrums will fizzle out as a child becomes better at communicating with you. If you find them triggering, and who doesn't, use this mantra: a tantrum is just a toddler acting his age. Now let's break things down a little bit, and we're going to start with what to do before a tantrum happens. Strategically speaking, planning your day can be key in preventing tantrums. Since tantrums often stem from being hungry or tired or bored or frustrated, anticipating and preparing for these moments and for your child's needs that day can significantly reduce the likelihood of these outbursts. Understanding what triggers your child, your specific child's tantrums, allows you to plan effectively. By managing the details that are within your control, such as making sure they don't miss their naps, or make sure you have snacks with you and distractions, you can preempt many tantrum triggers. No one knows your child better than you. You are the expert, and you're in the best possible place to help make the day go smoothly. Preparing your child also for upcoming events, prepping them by telling them what to expect. For example, you could say something like, we're going to see Dr. Cathryn Tobin today for Nina's 1-month checkup, and I brought you your iPad so you can watch Miss Rachel while we're there. But let's be real, despite the best-laid plans, there will be times when things don't go according to plan. Naps get skipped, snacks get forgotten in the car, the iPad doesn't work. However, by doing your best to anticipate and prepare for your child's needs, you can significantly reduce the frequency and intensity of tantrums. Now let's talk about, well, how should I handle a tantrum? So this is the part about what to do during a tantrum. During a tantrum, your toddler is incapable of rational thinking during moments of distress. Their emotional responses overpower their ability to articulate their feelings, much like an adult might struggle after a particularly tough day. Actually, let's step into this situation. So consider this: you've had a horrible, a lousy day at work, and when you get home, you go vent to your partner about what happened. Your partner rolls his or her eyes and suggests you go in your room and don't come out until you're over it. Well, how do you think you would feel? It's unlikely you'd say, wow, my partner is the best person to talk to. I can really turn to him or her with any problem. No, you'd probably think, wow, my partner really doesn't understand me and I'm not going to try and talk about things with him or her again. And your child's the same way. They need the same support and understanding as you do. Not so long ago, whenever your new baby cried, you'd make a mad rush to pick him up and comfort him. And then once your toddler became mobile, somehow our thinking shifts and we focus on their actions and behavior instead of the feelings that led to that behavior. But a toddler is really just a big baby. And they still need the sensitivity and the understanding they got earlier. So let me ask you something else. Did you know that how you respond to a tantrum influences the duration, frequency, and intensity of a tantrum? Now that means that we need to really think a lot about how we step into a tantrum so we don't aggravate things. As counterintuitive as it may seem, Sometimes the best thing you can do is to take a step back, keep your emotions in check, and just wait for the emotional storm to pass. If you jump in too quickly or show that you're annoyed, that can make a tantrum worse. Timeouts, which is often a go-to for frustrated parents, can sometimes make the situation worse by isolating your little one when they're already struggling. Offering logical explanations or repeated warnings during a tantrum usually falls on deaf ears. Your toddler is just too emotionally charged to process and reason. So here's what to do: Get level with your toddler. Instead of standing tall, crouch down or sit down on the floor to meet your toddler at eye level. This makes you appear less intimidating and it helps them feel more at ease. And then you want to basically embody tranquility. Your little one is sensitive to your body language, so exude calmness to help them feel more secure and composed. And just offer silent support. During the tantrum, you can communicate empathy and understanding without words. You can make sounds, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, maintain close proximity, and convey that you're there for them. Recognizing the pattern of a tantrum will help you to offer comfort and support at the right time. When you offer support at the wrong time, you risk aggravating things. So let's look at this. Tantrums typically start off with anger, and then for some kids, hitting and kicking may also become involved. This intensity seems crazy, but it's actually normal. Doesn't mean it's easy, but it's normal. And as always, safety should be your top concern. So take care of the safety issues. During this anger phase, you can share your calm just by being present with a calm body language. As a tantrum winds down, sadness becomes more evident and you may hear whining or even a little moaning. This is the moment to step in and offer comfort and assurance and soothe your child's wild emotions. Consider this scenario with 3-year-old Gordy. He had a big, huge tantrum over not getting dog food for breakfast, a seemingly absurd desire from an adult perspective. However, approaching the situation with understanding and acknowledging Gordy's disappointment without judgment really helped defuse the situation. And not only that, it strengthened the connection with his mom. Adults have a developed capacity for emotional regulation that toddlers lack. So by remaining calm, you model the stability your child is striving to learn. In that way, you encourage the tantrum to actually fizzle away. So recognizing this dance-like nature of tantrums, in other words, that both of you contribute to the tantrum dance, highlights how your response can either calm or exacerbate the tantrum. Now, if your toddler is comforted by words, keep them brief, reassuring, and understanding. Stay on the same team and remember your toddler is a good kid, just acting his age. You could say something like, "You're really upset you didn't get pizza for breakfast," or "I'm right here when you're ready for a hug." Now let's look at a few things that may inadvertently prolong a tantrum. So, for instance, showing signs of frustration, using time-outs, which might increase feelings of isolation right when a child is already feeling trapped in his emotions, attempting to reason with the child mid-tantrum, or even using comforting words at the wrong time can backfire. Waiting for the emotional storm to settle down can provide a more conducive moment for reassurance and teaching. So in essence, navigating tantrums with empathy and strategic support not only addresses the immediate emotional upheaval, but it also strengthens your connection with your child. You're basically sending the message, I can handle this and you can depend on me. Wouldn't you want that? Now let's talk for a moment about how to manage things after a tantrum. We don't think about this a lot, but this is a very touchy time for a child. Just think about how you may feel after you've had a big fight with your partner. Maybe you texted them with apologies. Maybe you just felt guilty and kept it to yourself. But once a tantrum subsides, if you gently acknowledge your toddler's feeling with a statement like, "I know it's tough when things don't go your way, sweetheart, but I'm here for you." Because after a tantrum, your toddler is worrying about things like, "Do you still love me, Mom? Are you angry at me, Daddy? Am I going to get in trouble?" A toddler needs reassurance after a tantrum. They need to know that you love them no matter what and that your love is not conditional. Many parents worry that reassuring a toddler after a tantrum will reinforce it, But toddlers don't scheme. They don't choose to have tantrums. Tantrums happen because their brains are still developing. Really, being a toddler is tough. So let's stop being tough on toddlers. This doesn't mean you shouldn't be firm and stick to your limits. It's possible to be warm and kind and firm at the same time. So thank you for listening. To today's podcast. If you'd like to share a story or ask a question, please send me an email and you'll find my email address in the show notes below. You can also DM me @healthiest_baby. Now, as we strip away the label of the terrible twos, we create the opportunity to reframe all those tricky toddler moments with a new lens. A big-hearted lens. This allows us to interact with toddlers in ways that don't dim their shine, and instead we appreciate and support their unique needs. That's why I'm excited to introduce you to my course, Toddlers Made Easy. This course covers everything from bedtime problems, tantrums, hitting, biting, yelling, and so much more. You deserve solid pediatrician and mom-approved big-hearted approaches to problems. If this resonates with you, please check out our hugely popular Toddlers Made Easy online course in the show notes. Have a great week and happy parenting.