Break the Calm-Calm-Snap Cycle

Hi, I'm Dr. Catherine, and welcome to the Toddlers Made Easy podcast. This is the bite sized, no fluff show where we cut through the noise and get straight to what matters. And today we're going to be talking about breaking the calm, calm snap cycle. In other words, how to stay cool when your toddler pushes your buttons. We've all been there. You can start out asking your toddler nicely, asking your toddler maybe to do something simple and at first you're handling it pretty well. But when your toddler refuses to listen again and again, well, you may find yourself getting frustrated and worked up and then possibly you blow and completely lose your cool. Before you know it, you're yelling. It's a cycle many parents recognize, but it doesn't have to stay that way. It's entirely possible to break that cycle. And that's what we're going to talk about today. Before I begin, let me just share a little story. Not long ago, about a week or two ago, I was waiting at the airport to visit my daughter and her family. And I had to laugh when the flight attendants announced, this is the final boarding call for flight, let's say AC137. But here's the kicker. She repeated it five more times, and by the fourth or fifth final call, it had lost all its urgency and no one was rushing to the gate anymore. And it hit me. This is exactly what happens when. When we give our toddlers endless warnings. Each time we repeat ourselves, the meaning kind of fades and the urgency vanishes. Our words start to feel like background noise and our little one learns that there's no need to act right away because we're just going to say it again and again. So how does this relate to toddlers and the com. Com Snap cycle? Well, it's all about learning to communicate effectively. So let's look at some examples of this cycle I'm referring to in real life with some real examples. So start off with Jackie. So Jackie walked into my office one day and she was frazzled and really feeling defeated. And she told me her two toddlers were constantly misbehaving. And despite starting off calmly, she would quickly lose her temper and end up yelling. And after every outburst, the guilt set in and she'd overcompensate with treats or promises like ice cream for dessert. Does this sound at all familiar? Well, we worked together on breaking the calm, calm cycle. And this is what the cycle looks like. Calm. You ask your toddler nicely and calmly to do something calm. Your toddler ignores you, so you ask Again, still calmly, but with a little bit of rising frustration. And then comes the snap or the explosion. Your toddler keeps ignoring you, and eventually you snap and start yelling. It's so easy to fall into this trap and believe that yelling is the only way to get your kids to listen. But snapping isn't about being a bad parent. It's about understanding that you're human. You have a nervous system that gets revved up when your buttons are pushed. And while yelling may get results in the short term, in my experience, and according to studies, the long term advantages aren't worth it. So what can you do as a parent? Well, I want to teach you today about what I call the power pause. And it's your first step to breaking the cycle. Probably if there was only one thing you were going to listen to, of all the things I've said over the years, would be this, about learning to pause before saying a word. So the very first step in handling a tantrum or other challenging behaviors is to pause. Of course, that assumes there's no safety issues. Now, I call this a power pause. So when your child's behavior starts to push your buttons, instead of reacting right away, create a buffer zone between their behavior and your reaction to it. In other words, create a space between misbehavior and your reaction. This is how we can stop knee jerk reactions, those ones that you later regret or overcompensate by offering dessert or ice cream or cake or going to the park. Here's what I would suggest you do. The idea is that you learn to use this moment to take a quick inventory and ask yourself, what exactly do I need right now in order not to lose it? You see, kids are like sponges, and they'll absorb your emotional state. And you can't control what your child is feeling, but you can control what you bring to the tantrum or to other tricky behaviors. So hanging back for a moment gives you the opportunity to respond to the behavior rather than react to it. And by react, I mean those knee jerk reactions. So use this moment to center yourself, to ground yourself. Use the moment to clear your mind. Get other people's voices telling you what to do out. You can choose how you respond to challenging moments with your kids. So let's look at some calming strategies that you can use to help your nervous system settle down. And before we move on, I just want to reassure you, when you lose it, it's not because you lack willpower. It's because you're human and you have a nervous system. You have that Fight or flight response, just like your child does. So let's look at ways that we can help calm your nervous system down before you say a word. And the more you do this, the quicker it gets, so that eventually you're just really pausing for a moment and able to carry on. The first thing is let's start with your mindset, because how you think about problem behaviors will influence how you respond to them. So let go of thinking that you need to fix or stop a tantrum. Your toddler needs to blow off the steam. And you don't need to fix or stop or shorten tantrums. Tantrums are normal. Tantrums are healthy, and they're part of your toddler's development. So remind yourself, there's nothing wrong with my child. Also, I'm not doing anything wrong. Tantrums are normal and healthy. Your child isn't having a tantrum because he or she's spoiled. Tantrums aren't fun for you or for your toddler either. Many people think you need to be really tough on toddlers so they don't become spoiled and they need to learn how to cope with life challenges. But tough love does not really equal tough kids. Decades of neuroscience research shows that using punishments that are shame based or fear based, well, they don't build emotional intelligence or or resilience or even increased self control. Let's look at another mindset shift, and that is to talk to yourself like you would to a friend. So say something to yourself like, I'm a great parent. I can handle this. It's a tough moment, but I'm tougher. Now, if you were saying it to a friend, you'd say, you're a great parent, you can handle this. It's a tough moment, but you're tougher. Now let's look at more ways to help you not lose it on your kids. One thing that I always think is maybe a little goofy but still really effective is using a mantra. And mantras are shown to reduce stress and increase a sense of calm. And here are a few tantrum mantras to consider. So you could say something like, a tantrum is just a toddler acting his age, or tantrums are normal and healthy, or my toddler is a good kid having a bad moment, or my child isn't trying to drive me crazy, or this stage won't last forever, or he's having a hard time not giving me a hard time. Okay, now let's look at some other calming exercises that you can do quickly and in the midst of total chaos. This one is a little goofy, but it works at helping you feel grounded, which in turn helps you stay calm. So I want you to focus on something tangible, like the feeling of your feet on the floor. And this can help bring you back to the present. So you stand up and focus on your feet. Feel your feet pressing into the ground. Wiggle your toes a little bit, then shift your attention back to your child. Another very effective calming strategy is deep breathing. And I know this is something that's talked about over and over, so I'm going to keep it brief. But basically take deep, calming breaths to settle your nervous system. Take a deep breath in and then a slow, long, deep breath out. If you practice these calming techniques at a time when they're not needed, they'll be much easier to use when they are needed. Now, I can't talk about how to not lose your cool without talking about self care. And I'm not referring to bubble baths and spa days. It's about nurturing your well being on a deeper level so you can show up for your child with patience and calmness, even during the most challenging moments. And when I talk about self care, I mean those everyday habits that support your mental, emotional and physical health. It's really important to carve out time for yourself and your dreams. As a parent, your time and energy often revolves around your child's needs, which can then leave you feeling drained and disconnected from your own passions and goals. And that's where taking time for yourself comes in. Whether it's reading a book, pursuing a hobby, or or taking steps towards a personal dream or career goal, these moments of self investment are powerful. They remind you that you're not just a caregiver, you're an individual with your own aspirations. And when you take the time to nourish your interest, you return to parenting with a clearer mind and more calm and more composure. And I know many parents well. Most of us feel guilty for taking that time for ourselves. But I would encourage you to let go of the guilt and take the time. Self care is like filling up your own cup so that when the inevitable parenting challenges arise, you have the emotional reserve to handle them with patience, compassion and big heartedness. And remember, self care isn't selfish. It's a necessary foundation for being the parent you want to be. So as you work on breaking that calm, calm, snap cycle, don't forget to make your well being a priority too. It's really the ultimate hack for staying calm under pressure. Now let's dive into some scenarios where the Power pause can make all the difference. These are real stories about real families who used this strategy to get through the moment. So let's look at the mealtime meltdown. Your toddler refuses to eat the dinner you prepared. You calmly explain that this is what's for dinner, but she starts throwing her food on the floor. You ask your daughter again, still calmly, to eat a few bites, but she pushes the plate away and the food falls on the floor and she starts crying. Now, in this situation, it's really easy to escalate, but you can train yourself and your body and your mind to take that power pause and allow your nervous system to calm down. So stop, breathe and remind yourself this is your child and she's just acting her age. And then say something like, I see you're upset. You don't have to eat that food. You can just put it in your no thank you bowl. The next scenario is the bedtime that never ends. So let's say it's time for bed and your toddler is resisting at every stage. You calmly ask the first time, okay, time to go upstairs. And then again more firmly. And when your kids keep delaying, let's say, either going upstairs or refusing to brush their teeth or even to get into bed, you might feel your patience slipping away. Well, instead of snapping, take your power pause. Tell yourself, my kid isn't giving me a hard time. They're having a hard time. And that's when you could say something like, I know you don't want to go to bed, sweetheart. I get it. You miss mummy and Daddy and we miss you, and that's because we love each other. In scenario three, we're talking about leaving the park. Let's say you've spent a lovely afternoon at the park, but now it's time to go home and your toddler isn't having it. You ask him calmly to get going, but he continues playing. You ask again and he runs away from you. Take that quick power pause. Now, of course, safety is an issue, so you've just got to quickly say to yourself something like, I can do this. And here's where you let your child know that this is a non negotiable, but they can have this or that choice about how it happens. So, for example, you could say, would you like to walk? Or. Or I can carry you to the car, but it's time to go. Offering a choice helps your toddler feel more in control and it defuses the situation. I hope you're seeing that handling things calmly doesn't mean being permissive you can be composed and firm both at the same time. Now let's look at no more yelling and how finding your big hearted approach works instead. Parenting is hard, but you're already a pro at doing hard things. With a little patience, you can break that calm, calm snap cycle and you can replace it with a big hearted, patient approach that leaves both of you and your toddler feeling good, understood and connected. Start off by looking out for warning signs of stress. Make maybe you find your eyebrows are knotted or your heart is racing or you're raising your voice or your shoulders are getting lifted. Take the action before snapping. And remember, maintaining your composure is not about perfection. It's about giving yourself the space to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. It's not going to always work, but it will work a lot of the time. Breaking the calm calm snap cycle is about reclaiming your calm and managing those tough toddler moments with composure. Now, if you're ready to dive deeper, check out my free masterclass on dealing with toddler tantrums using my signature easy method. It's packed with practical tools to help you stay calm, set boundaries, and handle your child's outbursts with calm, confidence and connection. If you'd like to sign up for the masterclass, you'll find the link in the show notes. Thank you for listening. I hope you have a great week. Keep up the good work and happy parenting. It.