Dr. Cathryn Tobin explains why validating a toddler's feelings before addressing behavior actually works better than timeouts. When you name what they're feeling, they calm down and listen. Teaching kids to say "I'm so angry" instead of hitting stops the misbehavior at its root.
Questions this episode answers
More than 33 years.
Healthiest Baby.
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge my great big golden doodle. Welcome back. For the next few weeks, we're going to focus on tools that you need when your child is going haywire or you're overwhelmed or you just don't know what to do. I thought about this the other day when I was actually prescribing an antibiotic for a child with an ear infection and it hit me. As a physician, we have tools that we use based on the problem. Well, the same thing goes with parents. You have parenting tools or strategies, and I'd like us to spend some time and talk about some of the big hearted strategies that you can use that will really help you feel like the calm, confident parent you want to be. There's a tendency to manage challenging moments by just focusing exclusively on behavior. But when we just address behavior, a child will often take the punishment and then come out and just do the same thing right over again. I'm going to share a little example with you about my family. So this is from a time when my kids were little. And I'm really noticing now that when I'm looking and finding all these stories, it's always about my son Max, who was a really spirited, fun little kid, but boy, did he get himself in a lot of trouble. Anyhow, one day, I'm not exactly sure what the offense was, but he did something that was really upsetting. And in those days, timeout was very popular. I never felt quite right about using it, but I tried it for a few times. Anyhow, Max did something again that was offensive and he was sent to his room just for a few minutes. He was usually completely willing to go and he'd be in there quietly. And from my perspective, I thought, okay, he's going to come down and come out and everything will be fine. But time and time again I found that when he came out of the room, he. He just went and did the same thing right away again. And at first it really confused me, but now I understand why. And so let's talk about that a little bit as I talk about in my course. When kids feel upset or they feel bad inside, they need some soothing to make space for the happy and good feelings to return. In other words, we've got to help our kids with their emotions and then manage the behavior. Now, let's look at this a little deeper. Let's say your child says something ugly like, I hate the baby. Well, your knee jerk response may be, no, that's not true. Don't say that you love the baby and we don't talk like that, so please don't say that again. Now, unlikely your child will respond to that comment with, oh, you're right, mommy, I'll never talk like that again. Now, if you're wondering what would be a better way to respond, let's put ourselves in a similar situation. And this is something I'd suggest you do whenever you feel confused about how to manage a problem. So let's say you come home after a horrendous day at work and you say to your partner, I had the worst day. My boss was so mean and my co workers were laughing at me, I don't want to go back tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to. So now think about it for a moment. How would you feel if your partner responded by denying your feelings? By saying something like, stop complaining. You're lucky you've got a job and your boss is so nice. Or what if he compared you to your co workers? Well, what about Sherry? She doesn't complain about the boss. She told me she really likes him. Or maybe your partner just gives you advice. Listen, sweetheart, don't sweat the small stuff. Just think about the positive side of things. You've got a great job and you make a good living and. And your boss could be a lot worse. Or let's say you got a philosophical response, oh, sweetheart, you'd be happier if you look at the positive side of things. Or maybe you're just asked a pile of questions. Did you do what the boss asked? Did you hand it your assignment in on time? Did you give him some attitude? So how do you think you would feel if your partner responded to you in any of these ways? Would you feel safe turning to him or her in the future? Would you call them supportive? Would you feel less upset with any of these responses? Or do you think you might go from angry to furious? What if instead, your partner said something just simple like, wow, you really had a tough day. It's so hard when you don't feel appreciated. See how when you feel understood, it soothes those challenging feelings? Now imagine your child and how they feel when we respond. Similarly, you can see why a child might repeat the same misbehavior. And as a parent you might feel like, oh, nothing works. So just like with Max, when he was sent to his room and given a few minutes to supposedly calm down, when he came out of the room, he did the same misbehavior right away again. And most likely it was because he was stewing over the bad feelings and starting to carry a grudge as opposed to calming down. So good feelings are possible when bad feelings are soothed and make room for the good ones. And that's not all. When we equip our kids with an emotional vocabulary, it means when they have big feelings, the next time they can scream I'm so angry. Instead of hitting or throwing and biting. So the next time your child says something negative or inflammatory or just gets your nervous system going, respond to your child in a way that makes room for those good feelings and makes you the safe person for them to turn to. This will also increase the connection between you and your child. Remember, you're setting the emotional and relationship foundation. Now you want to create a situation where a child turns to you if they have a problem as opposed to running away from you. Now this is only half of the equation. While all feelings are okay, not all behaviors are fine. So next week we're going to talk about the other half of the equation. The behavioral part. How to manage challenging behaviors in a way that protects a child's self esteem and allows you to be a sturdy parent. I hope you're seeing that by understanding your child better. It helps you develop a stronger connection and allows you to handle things more calmly. And it allows you to feel less stress. Now some of you may be wanting more parenting support and direction. You can become the calm, confident parent you really want to be. Take a look at our courses in the show Notes. I've put these courses together to help you manage challenging moments in a way that protects your toddler's self esteem and creates a stronger connection between you and your child. Have a great week and I'll see you next week. Sam.
