Do Time-Outs Work?

Welcome to the Toddlers Made Easy podcast, where you learn how to become the parent every kid wants. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience and the mom of four amazing kids. Now, I know you're crazy busy, so let's dive right in. I've been a pediatrician for more than a quarter of a century, and that means I've seen different parenting styles come and go over this time. And I've had the benefit of watching kids grow up from newborn to new parent stages. And that means I've seen firsthand the impact of different parenting styles. And in this episode today, I'm combining my first hand experience with scientific research to discuss timeouts. Now, by the age of two, or even possibly earlier, most parents are thinking about what kind of discipline works and what doesn't. Maybe you're worrying about messing up your kids or, or getting them to listen. You may feel judged by others and possibly also worrying about being too soft or too hard. So today we're going to focus on timeouts, because they've been the go to method for dealing with unwanted behavior for decades, since really about the 1950s. But do they actually work? And if so, at what price? Well, let's consider timeouts first, from a toddler's perspective. Let's say Charlie throws a toy and then he gets sent to his room for a timeout. Well, what does getting sent to your room have to do with throwing a toy? Charlie was sent to his room to think about what he'd done and to calm down. But what does he actually learn? He sure isn't thinking about how he should manage his emotions. He's thinking life isn't fair or mummy or daddy isn't fair. He isn't learning better ways of handling his emotions. Now, there are a few differing opinions on the effectiveness of time out. There are studies that say timeouts work and those that say they don't. But the problem with some of these studies, especially those that support timeouts, is that there's no consistency in how timeouts are used. Different families use this term to mean different things. The term itself doesn't define how it's carried out. So the reliabilities of the studies, especially those in support of timeout, remain in question. For instance, some families, when they say a timeout, they mean three minutes in the room. In another family, it may be 20 minutes. Some families may hold the door closed to restrain the child. Another may drag a child to his room if he refuses to go. And others may have short timeouts. That are infrequently used, so you can see how there's some confusion in the results of these studies. In my experience, timeouts may actually increase future behavioral problems such as incurring kids to be bossy or angry, angry and demanding. Now I don't think that's totally surprising as punishments tend to cause kids to feel hurt and to feel angry and to carry a grudge and that leads to further misbehavior. Studies even suggest that misbehavior was not helped even if parents talked with their kids about the problem after the timeout. My firsthand experience with tens and thousands of behavior related consultation support the findings that suggest timeouts aren't effective in the long run. I often tell the story of when my 3 year old son Max, who is no longer 3 years old, how one time while we were away on a vacation and eating out at a restaurant, Max had a bit of a fit and swept all the food on the floor. All it took was my husband asking for a chip and then reaching over and taking it before Max had a chance to answer. So let's talk about what happened after this episode. I carried Max to a quiet spot away from all the eyes that were on us and I found a chair where we could just sit and Max sunk into my lap and he cried. He cried for quite a while, but when he finally calmed down, I looked at him and I said, you were really upset that your dad took a chip. The next time things get tricky for you, you need to ask for help before whipping food on the floor. Max nodded at me in agreement. When he felt ready, we walked back to the table and this was the kindest group of people and I'll never understand their generosity. I figure maybe it was because it was a family restaurant, but who knows? It could have gone another way. But as we walked back to the table, several of the other customers gave Max a high five and said, yeah, I don't like it when people just take food off my plate either. When we sat down, Max looked at his dad, passed him a chip and gave him the sweetest impish smile. And that was Max's spontaneous and heartfelt apology. Now I know some observers were thinking I let Max get away with it. But lessons come not only from the words that we speak, but also from how we discipline. And Max learned that he could trust me no matter what. He also learned that it's not okay to whip food off the table. Parents often assume that if there's no punishment, then you're being permissive. But Permissive parenting is typically a nurturing and warm approach, which is good for kids. But there's also a reluctance to set limits or to teach right from wrong. And that's a problem. So are timeouts the solution? Well, from a child's perspective, timeouts likely feel like rejection. A parent's love is withdrawn and a child is left to stew on their own in their room. The lesson learned is most often not what's intended. A child learns that when they're having a hard time, they'll be left on their own. They learn that their parents love is conditional. If they behave, they'll be loved. Timeouts remove what a child needs most, and that's emotional connection. And they tend to leave a child feeling angrier. Typically, children don't learn the lesson they were meant to learn, like learning not to put your hand in the dog's water or to not throw toys or hit your sibling. When we discipline with strategies that are grounded in shame or fear, the benefits are often temporary. In fact, the more punishments are used, the more punishments are needed. And there's one more thing to consider, and this is a really important point. Misbehavior is really just a kid acting his age. He's exploring and testing and rebelling. As expected, he's a kid with a toddler's brain and a toddler's heart. He's not misbehaving to make you mad or to be bad. For instance, toddlers are impulsive. And we can use the example of Max whipping the food on the floor. And that happened because his brain is immature and he's impulsive. Yet we punish our toddlers for being impulsive. Should Max have been given a timeout for swiping the food on the floor? Well, in my opinion, I don't think so. Should he be disciplined? Absolutely. But remember, discipline means to teach. And I'm sure we'd all agree that Max needed to learn not to do this again, ever. Kids learn best when they aren't emotionally dysregulated, or in other words, having difficulty controlling their emotions. And a child can't regulate his emotion if he doesn't feel safe. Think about the fight or flight response. You can't really learn when you're in the midst of that. So the problem with timeouts are they disconnect us from our children. And therefore cooperation is often short lived. I can't tell you how many parents say to me, my child came out of the timeout and he did the same misbehavior right away. I bet if you use time out. You've experienced this too. So if you're going to use time out, do so in a way that research suggests can be effective, and that's using time out calmly, with a lot of positive support and connection. Timeouts should be used as a break and not as punishment. So don't even use the term timeout. Instead, say something like, let's take a break now. Personally, I don't think timeouts are terribly effective. I don't think they meet a child's need for connection and safety, and it doesn't respect what we know about a child's developing brain. The alternative isn't permissive parenting, but rather discipline that teaches and protects a child's emotional well being. In other words, we're still teaching a child right from wrong, but we're doing it in a way that protects a child's emotions. We're going to talk about alternatives to timeout in an upcoming episode, but in the meantime, if you're struggling with tricky toddler moments, check out our Toddler Made Easy course. We show you how to connect and correct tantrums and whining and sibling fights and picky eating and sharing and not listening and so many more problems. But we show you in ways that protect a child's self esteem and emotional well being, and you'll find the link in the show notes. In the meantime, have a great week and we'll talk again soon.