Dr. Cathryn Tobin answers a parent's question about her two-year-old grabbing toys at the playground. Toddlers lack impulse control and don't understand that others have feelings, so forcing sharing backfires. Try sportscasting what you see, role-play at home, and wait until around age 3½ or 4 when sharing actually makes sense.
Questions this episode answers
November 30, 2022
Dr. Cathryn (Catherine) Tobin — pediatrician with 33 years of experience; mother of four.
Listener named Zara; her child is two years old.
Almost 50%.
Around 3½ to 4 years of age.
Chapters
So here's the question I received from Zara about her little two year old boy. Every time I take my two year old baby boy to the playground, he immediately wants to grab and play with other kids toys. When I tell him he can't do that, he starts crying. What can I do? Well thank you Zara for sending this question in. It's a very common problem and one I'm sure many other people can relate to and it's one that causes lots of embarrassment. So let's get going and dig right in. Grabbing toys and crying. Mine doesn't mean your child is selfish or inconsiderate. It means they're a toddler. Welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with 33 years of experience and the mum of four. Today we're going to change things up a little bit and we're going to answer this lovely mum's question. And sharing, or actually not sharing issues, they cause a lot of confusion and embarrassment and self. So thank you for sending me this DM and let's dive right into it. So why is sharing so hard early on? Well, there's a lot of reasons. Toddlers have immature brains and the impulse areas are still works in progress. Toddlers don't understand that they're separate individuals. They really can't see a situation from another's point of view and that's needed to understand sharing. And at the same time they don't understand that things belong to other people. Now factor in that toddlers don't really understand time. So saying something like it'll be your turn in five minutes, well it doesn't really work. So toddlers aren't being selfish when they don't share early on. They're just trying to understand the world around them, grabbing toys and crying. Mine doesn't mean your child is selfish or inconsiderate. It means they're a toddler. They have a toddler brain which is still under construction and a big beautiful heart that will be more willing to share when they're a little bit older and they understand the concept. So toddlers, they simply have no idea what sharing is. Now if you've already taken my toddler course, you know that realistic expectations are key to a calmer home life. Years ago I did an informal poll in my office and I found that almost 50% of parents think that kids should be able to share by two years of age. But guess what? Kids don't even start to understand the concept of sharing until three and a half to four years of age, we forget that toddlers are really just big babies and they simply have no idea yet what sharing means. And realistically, they can't really master something they don't yet understand. On the one hand, we want our kids to stand up for themselves and their needs, but at the same time, we want them to be generous and caring. Well, the good news is both are possible. But before we move on, let me ask you something. How would you feel if you were working away on your laptop? Let's say you had a deadline and you were just really focused on trying to get your work done? Well, one of your co workers comes up to you and says, I need your laptop now. Give it to me, please. You'd probably be stunned by the request or really sounds more like an order. And maybe you'd start to hold your computer more tightly. Well, then the boss comes and he grabs it out of your hand and says, jack forgot his computer at home, so you have to share yours now. Give it to him, please. Would that help you learn to share? Would it teach you about generosity? Or would it make you less likely to share in the future? I don't think there would be any positive lessons here, and I'm sure you probably agree. Well, this is pretty much what toddlers experience when we force sharing early on before they really understand what we're talking about. So where does this leave us? I know how embarrassing it can be when your child does something that looks really selfish or aggressive, like grabbing a toy out of another child's hand. And this is particularly awkward when it happens with other families or even with others you don't even know, like the situation at the park. So the most important step is to take blame out of the equation and recognize your toddler does need direction, but he needs it without any judgment. So let's now answer the question about the little guy at the park and what to do in this situation. I would think to myself, my child's too young to really understand that he can't just grab a toy from another child. But at the same time, I don't want him to keep doing it. Safety is always the greatest priority, and kids can get pretty aggressive when they're fighting over toys. So if needed, and only if needed, step in and say something like, you're really sad. You can't play with that truck right now. I get it, but it's not okay to hit. I'm just going to move you over here so everyone is safe. And later, when your little guy is calm, I'd say something like, Next time you want something, ask, can I have a turn? Another parenting tool, one that I really like, is called sportscasting. And this is where you simply tell your child the story about what's going on. Or, like, think of it like a snippet of a commentary. You want the shovel that that little boy over there is using? Well, he doesn't want to stop playing with it right now. You seem pretty frustrated. Sportscasting helps children resolve problems on their own. It shows we have trust in them and it's not judgy. And before you say, well, my child isn't a big talker yet, let me reassure you, preverbal kids understand more than you think. If your toddler cries when he isn't allowed to grab a toy from a friend, I'd give him the space to feel this frustration. In fact, I'd help him by saying, you're sad you can't play with that toy. I know, sweetheart. It's hard. The next tool are strategies to use at home when everyone is calm. A great deal of important learning can happen at home before you've even opened the door to go to the park. The first thing is give your child a do over. A do over is basically a learning opportunity, and it's typically based on a situation that needs some tweaking. So, for instance, in this situation, rehearse with your little guy what to do when he gets to the park and someone has a toy that he wants to play with. I'd say something like, when you get to the park and you see a toy another child is playing with, ask, can I have a turn? In fact, role play the situation. Let your child play both roles. The child that wants a toy and the child who has the toy. This helps your child understand the situation from both sides. Plus, whenever possible, be proactive. And in this situation, I'd put aside a few park toys, which means toys that only come out at the park. And when you get to the park, invite your little guy to take a toy out of the park bag because he doesn't see these toys very often. They're exciting. Now, just before you leave the house, I'd remind your little one how to ask for a toy if he wants a turn. Kids need to be emotionally and mentally ready to understand sharing before we can teach them. When we force kids to share before they're developmentally ready, the lesson learned may be that sharing means losing something. And this can really backfire on you. Just remember that scenario where you were forced to give up your computer and how you probably would have felt Most kids are ready to learn about sharing around three years of age, and realistically, it's a slow process. So what to do in the meantime? Because we still have to give our kids guidance. Well, one of the most powerful lessons that are often overlooked is being a good example. Kids learn more from the examples we set than the words we say. Also, be empathetic. You're sad you can't play with that truck. I get it. But it's not okay to grab it out of your friend's hands and then find something your child can do or play with that helps teach your little one well, I can't do this. I can do that. And that kind of thinking really encourages optimism. So the important takeaways here are your child isn't bad if he or she has a tendency to grab toys away from another child, and you're not a bad parent if your toddler is grabby. Young toddlers don't share because they're not developmentally ready. In the meantime, be a good example, be proactive, and teach Can I have a turn now? If you want more strategies for these crazy awesome years, please follow me on Instagram ealthiestbaby. Have a lovely week. And remember, not sharing is just a toddler acting his age. I want to thank the mum who sent me a DM with this question and I invite you to send DMS that you'd like to have answered on the podcast as well. Have a great week and we'll talk soon.
