Don’t Sneak Out; Separation Anxiety Tips You Don’t Want to Miss

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My great Big Goldendoodle. Saying goodbye to your toddler can be.

Really tough, especially when your toddler resists.

It can make your heartache and leave.

You feeling terribly guilty.

I get it.

That's how I started.

Every day when my youngest child started.

Nursery school, Mandy would hug me so.

Tight that it hurt and she'd refuse to let go.

Her lovely teacher would come and try and entice her to go and play. Her friends would ask, want to play with me? But nothing made goodbyes any easier. Ironically, Maddie eventually came up with the solution on her own, which I'm going to share with you shortly. So today we're going to focus on how to manage goodbyes when they're filled with tears and upset. But first, let's clear up a common misconception. Sneaking out when your toddler is distracted? It really isn't the solution. It may seem like the easy way out, but it really creates anxiety and it breaks down trust over time. So how should you handle goodbyes? Well, first, let's look at the world.

From your toddler's perspective.

So here's the Toddlers don't perceive time and space like adults. To them, you're not just a parent, you're the entire sense of security and comfort. When you're gone, even for a short while, it's like their safety net has been pulled away. It's also worth considering that the idea of new can be daunting to a toddler.

Whether it's a new place or new.

People, the feeling of unfamiliarity can really spark fear. Toddlers also don't understand the concept of time, which can make separation even scarier. They don't really understand how long you'll be gone, and a day without you can feel like forever. So what's the game plan here? What can you do to make goodbyes easier for your child? Which of course in turn means easier for you too. Well, the first thing is to prep your child. Prep, prep, prep. Tell your child exactly what to expect and also include what she might feel.

I'd go over in great detail what will be happening.

Prepping helps kids feel safe, and it helps them manage Difficult moments. In my course, I teach prep using this acronym. Well, the acronym is prep and that stands for preview, rehash, engage, and pretend play. So let's look at these parts of prep. First is preview. So introduce the upcoming event and what your child may feel. A preview should include what's going to happen, how she might feel, and how to manage those feelings. Next comes Rehash. Kids have a short attention span, so we need to review things with them. So do a quick rehash before the actual event. The next is Engage. Allow your child to come up with age appropriate decisions that apply to the upcoming event. For instance, you might ask who do you want to walk with you into the school? If that's your school routine. And lastly comes pretend play, and you can use pretend play to explain the details of upcoming events. Walk your child through the day every single morning. Let them know what they can expect after you leave and when you'll be back. Offer coping tools for when they miss.

You, like deep breathing or looking at.

A family photo or using a mantra or look at the heart drawn on.

The palm of their hand and I'm.

Going to explain that in a few minutes. Another way to prep your child is by reading or telling stories that emphasize the theme of parents leaving but always returning. That can be really comforting and an educational tool for your child. This narrative not only offers a chance for emotional connection, but it also helps establish a sense of predictability and safety for your little one, reinforcing the idea.

That goodbyes are not forever.

Incorporating play into the learning process can be just as powerful as storytelling. You might consider using dolls or action figures to act out the scenarios where the parent leaves but then comes back. This type of imaginative play allows your child to explore feelings and situations in a non threatening way. Over time, the consistent theme of leave and return can help normalize the experience for your child and it reduces anxiety and builds trust. Another great way to build your child's comfort level is to start slowly, head out for a quick errand and come back soon. This practice run gives your child the opportunity to experience your absence and then importantly, your return. Keep the first few outings short and sweet. Perhaps just a quick walk around the block or a run to the nearby store. The key is to build up their confidence and understanding that when you leave, you come back, and this will help foster that sense of security and stability they need. Let's look at some other principles that apply more to the exact moment of leaving when your child is in so much distress. How do you actually manage that moment. Well, the first thing is. And again, this may be counterintuitive, but keep the goodbyes short and sweet. Make it a quick but meaningful goodbye. So give your child a kiss and a hug and a nose rub before leaving. When you linger, it only amplifies their anxiety and yours. So before you step out, acknowledge your toddler's feelings with empathy. I see you're feeling a little sad, sweetheart. Mommy's going to be back after nap time and we'll read your favorite book. Then I'd also establish a goodbye routine. Consistency helps. Maybe it's a special handshake or a goodbye song. You sing something that turns the goodbye into the familiar. And remember, all feelings are okay. Let your little one feel their feelings. It might be tempting to distract or brush off their emotions, but acknowledging them builds emotional intelligence. It tells your toddler, I see you. I understand you. I get it now.

This isn't easy to do. It often means leaving while your child is upset. This isn't something we would typically do. But staying just prolongs the crying as that dreaded separation is still looming. So make the final part of your goodbye routine a fun ritual like a kiss and a hug and maybe a funny face combo which cues a toddler that it's time for you to leave. Now, I mentioned earlier about a heart on the palm of your child's hand. Well, this is a sweet strategy that.

Something you can do before you leave.

The home where you draw a little heart on the palm of your child's hand and then a little heart on the palm of your hand and then explain to your toddler how you're both connected even when you're not together. And then remind your child of this connection before leaving. You might also consider leaving a comfort object, sometimes a familiar item like a blanket or a toy or a small family photo. It can offer comfort when you're away. You might also consider getting your child involved in an activity before you go, so you set them up with something that will make the upcoming separation easier. Now, this is not a way of setting them up so you can sneak out.

It's a way of setting them up.

So after you leave, they have something specific to do. Tackling goodbyes with thoughtfulness and understanding. Lay the groundwork for a more secure, confident child. And remember, it's okay to continually reassess and tweak your strategy as you get to know your child's changing needs and comfort levels. Earlier I mentioned that my daughter came up with a solution that helped her manage goodbyes without tears. Here's what happened during a prep every time I asked Maddie what she thought would make goodbyes easier. Well, the first 10 times, although it felt like a hundred times I asked.

She would say nothing, nothing will help. I hate school.

I don't want to go.

But eventually, maybe it was about the.

10Th time when I asked her, she.

Said she wanted her older sister to.

Walk her into the class. You know, the funny thing was, that's the last time Maddie cried at drop offs.

So why did this work?

When we work as a team, we're able to resolve problems better.

It was such a simple step, but we often forget to ask our kids.

What they might want because we so commonly underestimate our little one's abilities. So finally remember, it's not just about making mourning smoother.

It's about raising resilient, well adjusted little.

People who know they're loved whether you're by their side or not. And take it from me, these life lessons stick. My one's anxious about goodbye's little daughter. Well, she's been living and loving her adventures globally for a decade now. If you want to dive deeper into these big hearted strategies for stressful parenting moments, sign up for our free webinar, Tame Tantrums Without Losing youg. Cool. The link is in the show notes. So go ahead, flip that script on those hard goodbyes. Trust me, it's more than doable.

It's essential for building little humans who.

Are as resilient as they are loving.

That's it for today folks. I hope this will help you make.

Your goodbyes easier because believe me, I know how hard they can be. I look forward to seeing you next week and happy parenting.