End Overnight Toddler Wake Ups

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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and today we're going to tackle one of the most exhausting parts of parenting: night wakings. Why do they happen, and more importantly, how do you fix them? Now, I'm going to be honest with you. There was a time in my own life when I genuinely wondered if I'd ever feel rested again. And it wasn't until our second child that we really figured things out and built some better habits and started feeling human again. My first child actually was before I even went to medical school, so I didn't have the benefit of that experience. So let's start with a bit of science, and I'll keep it brief because I know you're exhausted. So think of your toddler sleep like a diver going from shallow water to deep and back again. That cycle repeats itself every 60 to 90 minutes, depending on your child's age. And here's the key thing you need to know: during those lighter sleep phases, your toddler naturally wakes up, just like you do every night. You might roll over, adjust your pillow without even realizing it. But your toddler, they're gonna want whatever conditions they've come to rely on to fall asleep in the first place. So let's say you've been lying down with your child for 20 minutes each night until they drift off. Well, your child has learned that you are the thing they need to fall asleep. So when they hit that light sleep phase at about 2 in the morning, they wake up fully and then they come looking for you. They're basically saying, hey, something's missing. Come fix it for me, please. I need to go back to sleep. Here's the really important piece. Night wakings are biologic. It means they happen naturally and it happens to all of us. But how your child handles those night wakings, that's the part that's learned. If you rub their back until they fall asleep every night, that's the association their brain has built around drifting off. And it becomes a very deep-seated memory, and they need it every night at those light sleep states so that they can fall back to sleep. And here's the good news. If you want to change things, you don't have to. But if you're exhausted and you want to change things, it's never too late to change this. And even better, there are really gentle, kind ways of doing this that don't hurt your emotional connection or hurt your child in any way. So let me tell you about Jenny. Jenny was 4 years old and she was still waking her parents 2 times at night most nights, and her mom was so exhausted that one morning she backed her car out of the garage without opening the garage door first. Now, thankfully, nobody was hurt, but that was the moment Jenny's mom knew something had to change. She reached out to me and we worked on Jenny's falling asleep habits. And honestly, within maybe I'd say about 10 days, Jenny was sleeping through the night without waking her parents. And that brings me to something I want to spend a moment on. And that's sleep deprivation, because I don't think we talk about it seriously enough. The National Sleep Foundation estimates that 100,000 car accidents every year are caused by sleep deprivation. A British study found that sleep-deprived moms actually drive worse than an impaired driver. That's terrifying. Sleep deprivation, it's also linked to depression and weight gain and forgetfulness. Increased anxiety, irritability, and being more accident-prone overall. Emotional regulation becomes much harder when you're running on empty. And that's ironic, isn't it? Because emotional regulation is exactly the skill we're trying to model and teach our kids. So now let's look at it from the kids' point of view. Toddlers between 1 to 2 years, they need about 11 to 14 hours of sleep a day, including their naps. While preschoolers, say 3 to 5-year-olds, they need about 10 to 13 hours. And school-age kids, say from 6 to 12 years old, they need about 9 to 12 hours a day. When those needs aren't met, a study, another National Institute of Health study, found that children in the insufficient sleep group showed more mental health and behavioral challenges, things like impulsivity, anxiety. Even a little depression, stress, and aggressive behavior. They also didn't make the best decisions. Their memory wasn't as strong and learning was impacted. So what I'm trying to say here, and this is something I feel very strongly about but don't talk about enough, and that is sleep is not a luxury for kids or for parents. Having been on call for many, many, many years, plus having kids waking up at night, I was so sleep deprived for such a long time, and I could see how it took a toll on me. Now, there are several reasons a toddler might wake at night. One of the most common is that a child simply hasn't learned how to fall asleep independently, and so they can't really drift back to sleep when they naturally hit the light sleep state during the night. I'm just repeating what I already told you. But think of it from an adult point of view. Most of us sleep with a pillow and a blanket. Now just imagine waking up in the night and your pillow and blanket weren't there. Well, you'd get up out of bed and you'd go looking for them. And that's a lot like what a child does when they wake up in the night and aren't feeling sure how to get themself back to sleep where it's not yet natural. So when they dash into your room at night, they're looking for their way of falling asleep. And it doesn't matter whether you're warm or loving or whether you yell, "Back to bed!" because kids love positive and negative attention. In fact, toddlers find negative attention surprisingly compelling. If your child gets up at night and you yell at them, "Back to bed!" Well, you've just made getting up at night feel kind of attractive, exciting, powerful, and it actually reinforces the behavior. And also when your child gets up, let's say for the third time that night, and you've just had it, you're completely spent. It's not surprising that you might let them into your bed feeling like it's the obvious solution. I know I did that for a period of time too, and honestly, it's cozy. I kind of loved it, but it's going to make getting up at night more compelling. The fix is helping your child learn to fall asleep on their own. Now I go deep into this in my two-part series, Why Won't My Child Go to Sleep Without Me? So definitely check those out. Part 1 focuses on the emotional needs at bedtime, and Part 2 walks you through what I call the Easy Does It strategy, which is a really big-hearted, no-tears approach to helping your child build that independent skill. Now, you know me, I don't like solving things in ways that hurt your relationship with your child or hurt your child's emotional wellbeing. This is a gentle way of handling sleep problems. Now, before I wrap up, if your child is still waking at night and everyone in your house is doing fine and you're not tired, you don't have to change anything. There's no rule that says you must. This is only a problem if it's a problem for your family. And if it is a problem, you don't need to feel guilty about it. Everybody needs sleep. And a couple of other things worth mentioning. If a new baby has just joined the family, well, that can absolutely disrupt your toddler's sleep. Crying is the obvious culprit, but stress and adjustment play a role too. A white noise machine in your toddler's room can help muffle sounds, and some dedicated one-on-one time during the day can also ease the transition. But don't forget, there are also medical issues that can be a factor in nighttime wakings. For instance, a child with asthma who coughs through the night, or maybe your child has reflux and that's waking her up, or a child who snores heavily due to sleep apnea. These are things to bring up with your healthcare provider. And sometimes it's simply a matter of sleep timing that hasn't been adjusted as your child has grown. Go check out those episodes on falling asleep independently. And if you have a question or a story to share, you can DM me on Instagram or send me an email at the address in the show notes. And don't forget, sometimes it's the smallest changes that make the biggest difference. Thank you for listening. And also you'll find in the show notes, I have a little very mini course on how to get your child to sleep independently. It's a little different than the podcast episodes because there are two different strategies so that you can pick the one that's the best fit for you and your child. Again, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.