Fewer, Shorter, and Way Easier Tantrums

Foreign. Welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, your host. This is the bite sized, no Fluff podcast where we get straight to the point, tackling parenting challenges with practical, big hearted solutions. Now, if you're new here, let me introduce myself. I'm a pediatrician with 35 years of experience, a mom of four amazing adult kids, and the author of three parenting books, including my latest release, Toddlers Made Easy. And yes, it has the same name as this podcast. Together we're going to simplify the toddler gears so you can feel confident, connected and calm in every parenting moment. So let's dive in. To begin with, let's flashback 30 years. I still vividly remember one particular day during my weekend rounds. My son, who was three and a half years at the time, he came along with me, as did my other kids for my rounds. In the morning we were on the pediatric ward and right outside one of my patients rooms, my little guy threw himself on the floor and had a nice full blown tantrum. So picture this. Doctors, nurses, families, all those families under my care watching as my child screamed and rolled on the ground. Needless to say, I was mortified. You see, growing up, my sisters and I would often tag along with my dad, who was an obstetrician, as he did his rounds just on the weekends. And that's the same thing with me. And afterward, we'd go somewhere special for lunch. And it became such a treasured memory that I really wanted to carry on the same tradition with my own kids. But in that moment, I was thinking, maybe this isn't such a great idea after all. Well, today we're going to dive into what you can do to have fewer, shorter and way easier tantrums. You're going to walk away with some practical tips that are easy to remember and you can use right away. But before we get there, let's just take a moment and talk about why tantrums happen. I know you probably already know this, so I'm going to just keep it brief. A toddler's brain is like a big busy traffic intersection with signals coming from all directions. It's so much to process that the work has to get divided up. And for simplicity, let's split it into two parts, the right brain and the left brain. Now, the right brain is that emotional, impulsive side. It's tuned into body language and feelings, but it isn't great at thinking through things logically. Now let's talk about the left brain. It's the logical, methodical, and where linear thinking happens, it helps us stay calm and helps us make rational decisions. Now, in adults, these two sides of the brain work together. For instance, if someone cuts in front of us in line, they might feel irritated, but we can talk ourselves down. It's not worth getting upset over this. But for toddlers during a tantrum, that logical part of the brain is basically offline and their right brain is running the show. Now, when a tantrum strikes, a toddler can't self soothe or reason their way out of those big feelings. They can't think, I don't need to cry about this. Their brain development, it's just not there yet. So tantrums happen when a toddler is overwhelmed. It's their way of saying, I'm feeling something so big I don't know how to handle it. Let's be clear on what tantrums are not. They're not a sign of bad parenting. They don't mean your child is spoiled. A tantrum is not a sign that your toddler is trying to manipulate you. Or tantrums are not the result of anger issues. And they don't mean your child needs harsher discipline or bigger punishments. Tantrums are a normal part of development. They're just a toddler acting their age. So what sets off a tantrum? Well, there's a number of equally good reasons, but frustration is a common cause. Maybe your toddler can't do something or can't have something they want. Let's not forget hunger, tiredness, and boredom. These are common causes of tantrums, too. I used to carry an emergency bag of snacks with me because my fourth child was so difficult when she was hungry. Anxiety and overstimulation are other causes. Sometimes even just the tiniest worry or even a transition can feel huge to a toddler. Or have you ever noticed how parties and family gatherings are common places for tantrums? That's from overstimulation. Now, before we move on, I just want to remind you again, tantrums are normal and expected. And they're a toddler's way of communicating that they're struggling. Now let's get to the good juicy part, the how to have fewer, shorter, and way easier tantrums. We'll start with fewer. So to reduce tantrums, one really effective way is to prep your child. You see, it's easier to avoid a tantrum than it is to manage one. So preparing kids for upcoming events is a magical way of avoiding unwanted behaviors. A toddler will do better when they know what to expect, even if it's something Scary or painful. Prepping a child for upcoming events, big or little ones, helps them feel safe, in control. And it cuts down on outbursts. Let's take a moment and just go through how to prep your child for events. I've created a little acronym so using prep, and it goes, P is for preview, R is for rehash, E is for engage, and P is for pretend play. So that's prep. Now let's just break it down a little. So to preview with your child, you want to explain to them what's going to happen. You want to give your child a heads up about what to expect in great detail. Be positive but honest. Talk about the feelings that may occur as well. And let me just give you a little example. So let's say you're going to be going to the park with your child. This is what you might say. We're going to the park shortly and when we get there, you can play on the swings or the slides or walk on that little bridge. When it's time to go, I'm going to call out, okay, there's time for one last thing. And that means you can go on the slide one more time or on the swings for a few minutes. You may feel frustrated when it's time to go. Because the park is so much fun, it's okay to feel sad about leaving. It makes sense. You can take some deep breaths. If you're finding it really hard to leave, then you're going to get back into the stroller and we're going to walk back home and have some lunch. The next point is rehash. In other words, when the time gets closer, give your kids just a quick little reminder about what's about to happen. The E of prep is to engage your kids. Make it as interactive by involving them in the process. If your child's old enough, ask them to remind you what you're going to say when it's time to leave. And the last P of prep is for pretend play. So use play to practice and prepare for tricky situations like going to the doctor's office or sharing toys. Whatever problem area you want to work on. If leaving the park has been an issue, use pretend play to go through the steps of what your child can expect. In fact, let them be the mummy and tell you it's time to go. Make it fun. Another way to reduce tantrums is to make a good night's rest a bit big priority. A well rested toddler is a more regulated toddler. Now, if you're struggling with sleep, there are several episodes that will help you with this. Another great way to sidestep tantrums is to offer choices. They help reduce frustration, which in turn reduces tantrums. I like using two good choices as the best way to offer choices, and that means it doesn't matter which they select. You'll be happy with either outcome. And lastly, don't underestimate the power of independence. Let your toddler do as much as they can by themselves. It may take longer, but the calm it provides is so worth it. Now, realistically, you're not going to be able to do that all the time, and that's really okay. But when life allows it, try to give your toddler the opportunity to do things themselves. Now, let's talk about shorter tantrums. Well, here's a big secret. How we respond to a tantrum can significantly affect the length of a tantrum. I like to think of tantrums as a dance and there's two partners, and each of you influence the outcome. So here's where Striving to enter the tantrum by staying calm sends a reassuring message to your toddler that all feelings are okay and that you're there to help your child with these big feelings. If there are safety issues, however, let your child know. Yes, all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are okay. This is where with calm and confidence, you set your boundaries. Like it's okay that you're angry. It is not okay to throw the book. In fact, let's come sit over here so I can make sure everyone is safe. The next way to shorten a tantrum is to step in at the right time. And yes, there are better times to step into a tantrum. Tantrums typically follow a pattern. They start with anger being the most obvious sentiment, but then sadness creeps in, so you want to wait for the anger to subside, then step in to offer comfort or guidance. If you jump in too soon, you might accidentally actually prolong the tantrum. Now, early in the tantrum, when the right brain is running the show, you want to show up with calm and confidence. You don't have to say anything. You can just be present, make some reassuring sounds. But also remember, the right brain is sensitive to body language. So take this into consideration. Get down on your child's level, make eye contact, make reassuring sounds. Lastly, let's talk about how to make the tantrums way easier. This has to do a lot with our mindset. So here's a mantra that's helped over 1.2 million parents manage tantrums. More calmly. A tantrum is just a toddler acting their age when you accept tantrums as normal and even healthy, it's so much easier to manage them without feeling like you're failing or going crazy during a tantrum. Your job isn't to stop it or fix it, it's to guide your toddler through those big feelings and help them learn how to manage those emotions. The calmer you are, the easier it will be for your toddler to move past the tantrum. Also, remember your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. And finally, consider this. A tantrum is actually hard on a toddler too. It's exhausting and it leaves them feeling sad and confused and worried. Is mom going to be angry at me? Another mantra I find really helpful is being a toddler is tough. So let's stop being so tough on toddlers and ourselves. Now, if you want to dive deeper into this topic, I've got something really special for you. For the next 48 hours, my tantrum crash course is available for just $27 just to you. It's a 38 minute masterclass packed with everything you need to know to handle tantrums before, during and after they occur. You'll discover a big hearted approach that protects your child's self esteem and confidence. We'll talk about how to stop tantrums before they begin. I'll give you scripts for what to say before, during and after a tantrum. You'll discover my signature calm method which will boost your confidence. And there's so much more, including guides for public tantrums and a deeper dive in how to prep your child for anything. You can head over to the link in the show notes to grab your spot. Thank you for tuning in. And remember, tantrums are a healthy and normal part of the journey. Have a great week and happy parenting.