For Sibling Spats: Be the Describer, Not the Divider

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My great big golden Doodle. Is being the referee really the best way to manage sibling fights? Acting as the referee in a sibling battle is like putting a lid on a pot of boiling water. It may contain the overflow, but it doesn't turn down the heat. It's understandable that you want the sibling conflicts to stop. All the yelling and teasing and name calling and wrangling and nitpicking. It can really make life stressful and frustrating. Now imagine this four year old Mark and his younger sister Melanie. They're in a fiery push and pull over their green Alphabet puzzle. Each of them is shouting mine. Melanie's also saying mummy. Mummy. Mark isn't sharing the toys. If you rush in and take sides, it's simply going to stir up resentment and lead to more quarrels. So to minimize future disputes and to handle the current one, it's crucial to understand when to intervene and when to hold back. If you always step in and solve your kids problems, they're going to expect you to get involved in the future ones. So if the kids are merely annoyed, don't step in. Just wait and see. If things escalate, then of course it's time to intervene. Sibling bickering is natural. It's how kids learn to interact and the home is a safe place to learn these lessons. Siblings usually like being together, but playing nicely can be tough, especially with the age difference. It's our role to reassure kids that we understand them. That doesn't mean we should always fix their disagreements. If we do, they lose the chance to learn and practice important problem solving skills. Now, before delving into the specifics about how to intervene in sibling fights, let's talk about how to reduce sibling rivalry at a more foundational level. Key to this is the understanding that when children feel secure in their parents love, they're less likely to engage in fights with their siblings. This is where giving your kids one on one time, where they get your undivided attention, phones down, helps them feel loved and valued. This time should be child led where you join in your child's world without suggestions or corrections and try to do this special time every day. It can be 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever you can manage without feeling it's a pressure on you. Now, parents can inadvertently exacerbate sibling rivalry through certain actions and statements. And all of these are done innocently, not intentionally. For instance, comparisons, whether positive or negative, can create a competitive atmosphere between siblings. So saying things like, your brother always eats his vegetables or your sister never forgets her homework can stir resentment. Similarly, seemingly innocent labels like Jack is the smart one or Susie is the athletic one can pressure children to compete for parental approval and the coveted best spot. Constantly presuming that one child is the instigator in sibling disputes can also escalate tensions. This can lead the label child to feel unfairly targeted or misunderstood and begin to carry a grudge. Now let's explore how to step into sibling arguments in a way that really strengthens their bond while keeping your nerves calm. Sounds pretty good, right? Don't hop in and choose sides like a referee. Just describe what you see happening in front of you. I call this describing instead of dividing. For example, you hear Melanie crying loudly, so you walk into her room to see what's happening. You see both kids gripping the same puzzle. Face is red and they're in a shouting match. Well, instead of saying something like, enough, both of you or Jake, just let Melanie have the toy. You're too old for it anyways, or I'm done with this. Instead, say something like, sounds like a lot of yelling in here. You both want to play with the same Alphabet puzzle. Jake, you look angry. Melanie, you look mad too, and I see some tears. Then wait and listen to the kids replies, but keep your stance neutral and just sum up what you hear. So, Jake, you say, this is your puzzle and it should stay in your room. I see. And Melanie, you think it's not fair because Jake has all the fun toys. Is that right? Have I gotten it right? Now, express your trust in your children's ability to resolve the problem. So say something like, we've got two kids and one puzzle here. That's a tough spot, but I'm totally sure you two can work this out. Or you could say something like, both of you are upset. It's tough when you both want the same toy, but I know that you two can figure this out. If the situation is safe, consider stepping out of the room and allowing the kids to attempt a resolution on their own. Their problem solving skills may be better when you're not directly involved, but at first, your kids may need a little help so you can make suggestions. Like you could take turns. Or you could work on the puzzle together. Why don't you two chat about it and figure out a plan later? When everyone is calm, consider doing a redo where you give your kids a chance to correct there's two big wins. Kids learn better ways of resolving problems. We get the perfect moment to cheer them on for it. Plus, it's fun. So let's do a quick rehash before we finish up for today. A powerful way to help siblings get along better is to make sure each child feels seen, understood and valued. Giving each child daily one on one time has been shown to make a big difference with so many behavioral problems. Next, only step into sibling squabbles if you need to. For instance, if the kids are getting physical or the conflict is escalating, it's time to intervene. Otherwise, hold back and let the kids try and solve it on their own. Now, when you do need to step into sibling squabbles, play the describer, not the divider. And by that I mean talk about what you see happening. But don't take sides. Just narrate or describe what you're seeing. And this helps in several ways. It doesn't aggravate sibling rivalry, it teaches kids how to resolve conflicts and it'll help you stay calm. In my course, I encourage parents. If there are no safety issues, then create a space between your kids behavior and your reaction to it. And use this space, this moment, to let your nervous system calm down. Use a mantra or deep breathing. Then step into things when you're feeling calmer. Now, if you want to learn more about how to calmly manage those hair pulling toddler moments, register for our free Tame those Tantrums workshop. You'll find the link in the show notes. Have a great week and happy parenting. Sa.