Get Kids to Listen — No Yelling Required

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself.

When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere.

Living a busy life, navigating a long-distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather. Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone.

Talkspace works with most major insurers, and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 when you go to Talkspace.com. Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com. Save $80 with code SPACE80 at Talkspace.com. Talkspace.com. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself.

When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere.

Living a busy life, navigating a long-distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather. Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone.

Talkspace works with most major insurers, and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 when you go to talkspace.com. Match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com. Save $80 with code SPACE80 at talkspace.com.

Hi, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician and mom of 4, and welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, the no-fluff, straight-to-the-point podcast. Now, if you follow me on Instagram or get my newsletter, You've likely already heard about the hugely, enormously upsetting and life-changing event that happened a few weeks ago. If not, I'm going to share a little bit about what happened with you right now. So you understand about the changes I'm making. They're exciting and fabulous in the weeks to come. So a few weeks ago, my lovely son decided to take my husband and I to NASA. He thought my husband was working way too hard and he wanted him to relax and enjoy some quiet time on the beach. And that's exactly what we did until the weather was just a bit too cold for sitting on the beach. So my son and husband decided to go on a water slide, and that involved climbing 6 flights of stairs. I took their phones and wallets and went back to the hotel room as I wasn't really into the water slide. While I was there, I was hearing lots of ambulances, but I told myself, don't be such a worrywart. And then my son called me and told me what had happened, that they had gone up the slide once, so they'd climbed the 6th flight of stairs and they'd come down, but it wasn't the right water slide, so they decided to go up again. And when my husband almost reached the top, he collapsed. And it turns out that, um, he'd had a cardiac arrest and my amazing son Did CPR and actually had to shock him. And thank goodness there was a defibrillator nearby. And as they were on their way to the local emergency room, the ambulance driver allowed him to call me. We had some horrible, horrible experiences that you can't even imagine over the next 36 hours. I'll tell you more about this in the future, but eventually we were airlifted by this wonderful, uh, two medics, and we were airlifted to Toronto where my husband remained in hospital for 2 weeks and had some cardiac procedures. He actually discovered he'd had a congenital cardiac abnormality. Now, really, why am I sharing this with you? This was a life-changing event for me, as you can imagine. I really almost lost my beloved husband. And it's really had me thinking a lot about what's important in life. And because of that, I'm going to be making a lot of changes, not only in my own life, but in my work life and the work I do to help parents. And I wanted you to know where this was coming from. But let's get back to today's episode. Getting your toddler to listen can feel like an uphill battle. Leaving you stressed and overwhelmed. But with a big-hearted approach, which is even more important to me now that I've gone through this sort of soul-searching, with a big-hearted approach, you can encourage cooperation without resorting to bribing and begging, or most importantly, yelling. Imagine this: you calmly ask your toddler to stop playing with his puzzle, but he ignores you. It's time to pick your son up from school and you need to get going right away, but your toddler just keeps playing. You ask again and again and still nothing. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking away and frustration is building, and you're tempted to bribe him with a sweet treat, but your anger gets the best of you and you snap. Go get your shoes on right this minute. I call this the calm, calm, snap cycle. Something most of us know very well. You know, like you handle things well to begin with, but then you lose it and start yelling. It's a cycle many, well, most parents recognize. Here's the really good news. It's entirely possible to break the cycle, and that's one thing we're going to talk about today. But first, let's unpack why toddlers don't listen. At this stage, they're developing self-awareness, and discovering their need for independence. They desperately crave control and power, and when they don't have enough chances to exert this power in healthy ways, not listening becomes one of their go-to tools. Now, by understanding this developmental need, you can handle not listening with more composure and insight. For instance, you can give your child lots of choices to help them feel more independent. This is what I call big-hearted, because when you truly understand your toddler, you can respond in a way that helps them grow without hurting their self-esteem, which is so important for such young children. So we're going to walk through 3 practical, science-backed strategies to help you stay composed even when your toddler's pushing all of your buttons. These tips won't just help you feel calmer. They'll also strengthen your bond with your child. Now, before we dive in, I just want to take a moment to say tuning into a podcast about yelling less shows you're committed to working on habits, and that's really something to celebrate. Because let's face it, we've all had those moments when our patience runs out and we're left feeling guilty. Now, if this sounds familiar, You're not alone. It's actually just part of being human. Take Maria, for example. She's a mom to a creative 3-year-old named Lily. And one morning, Maria found Lily scribbling on the playroom wall. Somehow she managed to calmly redirect Lily to paper, but Lily kept ignoring her. Every time Maria turned her back, Lily would be back drawing on the wall. Maria stayed patient and repeated herself firmly but kindly, but when Lily still didn't listen, Maria lost her temper and yelled. Maria's reaction left her feeling awful, especially since it was just before Lily left for preschool. She felt so torn between guilt and frustration. Now, if this sounds at all familiar to you, let's talk about how to break this calm, calm, snap cycle. The real culprit here is stress. When your child acts up, your body releases stress hormones, activating that fight-or-flight response. Your brain really can't tell the difference between a real emergency and toddler mischief, so your body reacts as if it's in danger. And here's the thing: no sticker chart, timer, or distraction technique will stop you from losing your cool. Because those strategies really rely on your toddler's behavior changing. But as I'm sure you already know, controlling your child or getting them to try and change is much harder than trying to change yourself because you control you. And that's really good news. You can change how your brain reacts to stress. So let's look at 3 steps to help you keep your cool. And the first one is to know your triggers. What sets you off? Is it whining, crying, or being ignored? And there's a million other things that could set you off. When you know what pushes your buttons, you can plan ahead. For example, let's say it's whining that makes your blood boil. Well, address it early instead of letting it escalate. Think of it like a fire. It's easier to manage when it's small. The next step is to recognize early warning signs. Notice those physical and mental signs of stress that creep in, like your heart pounding or your heart beating faster, or your shoulders and neck getting all tense, or just those negative thoughts. My child's trying to drive me crazy. What's the matter with this child? The earlier you catch these signals, the easier it is to stay in control. Write down your personal stress signals or say them out loud to yourself. Awareness is key to learning to respond instead of react. And the last point is something I talk about over and over, and that's about taking a power pause. That's about creating a space between your child's behavior and your reaction to it. When your child's behavior triggers you, Pause before responding and use that moment to reset. Now, I know that's not easy, but I also know you can do really hard things. So use this space to try some deep breathing, count to 10, ground yourself by noticing the feel of your feet on the floor. Use a mantra like, I've got this, or I can handle this, or my toddler is just acting his age. Remember, the real battle isn't with your child. It's with your reaction to your child's behavior. Staying calm is much harder when you're running on empty. So prioritize being kind to yourself, taking care of yourself so you can refill your emotional reserves. Whether it's a walk or journaling or simply taking 5 minutes to breathe, taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's necessary. Go out with your friends, go for a walk, go to the gym, but don't put your needs on the back burner. Mastering your nervous system is the first step to keeping your cool. The next is knowing how to handle those tough toddler moments. I actually teach a 4-step method that I call the EASY method to manage tantrums with kindness, and also firmness. And if you'd like to learn more, sign up for my free Tame Those Tantrums Masterclass. The link is in the show notes. You'll walk away with actionable strategies to bring back peace to your home. Now, I want you to leave today knowing this: you're doing an amazing job. Parenting is hard, and it's okay to have tough moments. You're going to have them. We all do. What matters is that you're trying and you're learning and you're growing. And I've got some exciting changes coming that I just can't wait to share with you. They come from the awareness I gained through going through this crazy and horrible experience with my husband that had wonderful outcomes. I should say my husband is doing really well. In fact, he's got more stamina and energy than I do, and it's only been a few weeks since his surgery. So I want to thank you all. I've had so many messages of kindness and caring and support around this difficult moment in my life, but I'd also like to thank you for spending time with me today. It means more to me than you know. Keep believing in yourself because you're stronger than you think. Till next week, I'll see you then.