Dr. Cathryn Tobin explains why toddlers don't listen: yelling triggers stress that shuts down their prefrontal cortex. Instead of threats, she recommends acknowledging what they're focused on, offering choices, and using empathy to build cooperation.
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Seth was on the floor building an enormous tower with his Magna-Tiles. Every piece had to be just right, and he was completely absorbed. From the kitchen, his mom called, "Seth, dinner!" No response. She called again, louder this time. "Dinner! If you don't come right now, there's no dessert." Well, Seth didn't move. Not because he was being stubborn, but because he was deep inside what he was doing. Finally, she snapped, "Get here right now and there's no dessert." And that's when Seth jumped up and ran to the table. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, your host. If you want to name the number one questions parents ask me, it would be this: Why won't my kids just listen? I know it feels personal. It feels like disrespect. It feels like you're doing something totally wrong. Maybe you're worried that your kids are confused about who's the boss or that you're not being firm enough. But here's the thing. And I've said it before, toddlers and preschoolers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. So today I wanna show you what's really going on and why your child sometimes ignores you. And when you understand it in a totally new way, you'll realize there's a better and easier way to help kids cooperate. Notice we're really talking about cooperation. Every night, millions of parents call their kids to the dinner table, and every night, millions of kids just like Seth do nothing. They keep playing, they keep building, they keep drawing. Typically, when your kid ignores your commands, parents tend to get louder and threaten consequences. We've all been there. Now, I've had tons of parents over the years that were so worried about their kids not listening that they asked me to send them for a hearing test. And not once did a test done for those reasons come back abnormal. Their ears were working just fine. But this isn't really about listening. It's about cooperating. Maybe you're thinking tomato, tomato, but here's where the difference plays out. When a child feels scared or yelled at, the brain goes into alarm mode. Stress hormones rise. And that thinking part of the brain, the part that helps with choices and listening and self-control, well, it goes offline. And that's why yelling, it can get quick action, but it doesn't really build cooperation or create better listeners. Imagine this. You finally got the kids to bed. You sit down with your laptop. You're really looking forward to a moment just to yourself. And your partner walks by and says, "Get your coat on, we need to go get milk." Well, you probably don't jump up and you probably don't say, "Sure, let's go." You might pretend you didn't hear, you might get annoyed, you might argue, but you're not really being difficult. And it doesn't mean that you don't love or respect your partner. It just means your partner wanted you to do something that you didn't want to do, which is a lot like what happens when kids don't listen. So if yelling triggers your child's brain into threat mode, what's the alternative? How can we encourage cooperation without triggering the stress response? Well, the key is understanding what's going on developmentally. Toddlers and preschoolers are all about control. In fact, they're testing who they are in the moment. And this is exactly what they're meant to be doing. So when your toddler digs in their heels, don't see difficult, see developing. They're learning how to have a voice, how to say, "This matters to me." And the safest place for them to learn this is at home with you. The problem is that they're little kids with developing brains, and while they know what they want, they really don't know how to get it. So let's go back to the example about you. So what if your partner instead had said, "I know this is the first moment you've had to yourself, but sweetheart, we need milk or there won't be any for coffee in the morning." You probably would have felt seen and maybe understood a little bit better, and you'd probably have said something like, "Ugh, okay." Because when people, even little people, feel seen, they soften. So how can we ask our kids to come to the table in a way that actually makes them inclined to listen? First, we need to see them. "I know it's hard to stop playing, sweetheart. You're having so much fun, but dinner is ready. Do you want to walk or hop to the table?" Or maybe you would say, "You really want to finish that tower." Let's take a picture of it so you can come back to it later. Or you could say, I see how focused you are. I'm going to just sit down next to you for a minute or two. Then we can go to the table together. These aren't tricks. These are bridges. They help a child cross from their world to your world. Notice in the first response, I also gave my child a choice. Since our kids are looking for autonomy, What better way to promote cooperation than to help them feel a sense of freedom? Their mind is asking, does what I want matter? Do my choices matter? Funny, the way to get them to cooperate is to help them feel seen and heard, just like us. And that's how you get a child to listen without yelling or threats. So you see, big-hearted parenting isn't about knowing the perfect script or using a trick or a hack to get your kids to the table. It's about understanding these little humans and what they need so you can parent smarter. Now, if you remember only one thing from this episode, let it be that when your child isn't listening, they're not being difficult, they're developing. Parents in the membership tell me that what felt impossible now feels manageable, and I love that. So if you want more support and step-by-step guidance, check out the Big Hearted School of Parenting. The link is in the show notes below. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next week.
