How to Boost Your Toddler's Confidence

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge, My great big golden doodle. Today we're going to be talking about how to boost a toddler's confidence. And while I was preparing for this episode, it reminded me of something in my past that I wanted to share with you. This is a story about when I went to medical school. I was a single mother at that time, and I believe I was the first single mother in that medical program. This was a really difficult situation as I often ran into babysitting problems. And there was one lecture every week that I just could not find coverage for. And so I started to bring my son with me to the lecture. I thought, I'm not sure this is going to go so well, but let's give it a try. So Benjamin and I would go to the cafeteria and we'd get a nice big tray and he'd pick out a yummy dinner. And that was always a great thing because I'm not a very good cook. And he'd bring his tray with all his food with him into the lecture and. And he'd also bring from home all these tiny little figurines. And he would keep himself busy throughout the talk, eating his dinner, playing with his figures, doing his setups, we called them. And also this tended to be a dermatology talk. And so there would be a lot of visual slides and I didn't realize Benjamin was watching as he was eating. But eventually he could diagnose all sorts of rashes. He knew his eczema rashes very well and chickenpox and fifth disease. Anyhow, the point of this story is, number one, my incredible son, who attended medical school with me at least a weekly lecture for years, actually. And by the end of medical school, although he was at that point about nine years old, he could identify parts of the EKG and he knew his rashes. And so when it came time for graduation, you're called up on the stage and I was called up and, you know, received my degree and the handshakes, et cetera. And then the most lovely thing happened, and I wasn't expecting this at all. After I came down off the stage, they called my son up and they gave him his degree in quotations. But it was a lovely event and it was a lovely thing for them to have done to acknowledge my son, who sat in the audience week after week after week and absorbed a lot of information. Now, needless to say, he did not go on to be a medical doctor. He's got his own amazing accomplishments. But this was such a lovely thing for my medical school to have done. And it came to mind for today's talk, which is about boosting a toddler's self confidence. So we all know that the toddler phase is tough, but have you ever stopped to think that being a toddler is tough too? Toddlerhood is like navigating a minefield of emotion and spilled cereal. But these little people, these little guys experience mini losses all day long. They're navigating a world where they're smaller and weaker and slower on their feet and clumsier, and they're not as articulate or focused as everyone else around them. While we can't shield our toddlers from every little bump or hiccup life throws their way, we can certainly arm them with the emotional resilience they need to rebound from these bumpy learning experiences. Let's start off talking about the building blocks of confidence. The first one is to think about safety. Before a toddler can conquer the world, they need a safe space. And that means both physically and emotionally. So aim for a judgment free zone in your home where the only bad mistake is the one you don't learn from the next thing. And this is a really big topic for me, and you've heard me talk about it over and over, and that is using a big hearted lens when you look at unwanted behavior. So when you view a challenging toddler moment through a kind and understanding lens, your response naturally becomes calmer and more empathetic by opting for a compassionate view of your toddler's difficult moments like tantrums or stubbornness, you're more likely to address the situation with patience and effective guidance. And this approach not only makes the challenge more manageable for you, but it also helps in nurturing a more confident child. So all of that is very well and good. Let's look at it in real life. Let's take a scenario like you told your toddler to wait a moment and you would pour the milk for him. You turn your back for a second to do something and when you turn around, you see your toddler has spilt the milk all over the floor. Here's where using a big hearted lens will help you so take a deep breath, deep breath in. And a nice slow sigh out. Here's how I would view the situation with a big hearted lens. Your toddler believes he can do it and he wants to make you happy. So he tries to surprise you and do it on his own. You see how much easier that is on the nervous system. You'll be able to deal with it calmly now when you've extended the most generous interpretation of the situation. Let's look at another example. You're exhausted and you just want to put your feet up. Your partner says, hey, I'll put Janie to bed. You go sit down. So you finally sit down and just as you're getting comfy, you hear, no, I only want mommy, only mummy. Well, let's use our big hearted lens and think about the situation for a moment. Janie loves how you read her favorite book and she sees it as part of her routine. Changes are hard for her, especially when she's tired. So again, do you see how that would help you to calmly manage the situation? Or at least manage it in a way that you feel happy about? But don't kid yourself here. That doesn't mean you're going to get off the couch and put her to bed. It just gives you the bandwidth you need to respond in a kind, calm manner. Being compassionate doesn't mean becoming a doormat. Compassion and sturdy boundaries are the winning combination. The next building block I want to talk about is a really important one, and that is that toddlers are much more capable than you think, than we all think. So let your kids help out and make real contributions to the family whenever you have the time or the energy or the mental space to let them do that. Because we all know toddlers take a long time doing everything. I used to think, why rush them into independence? But I came to see that empowering a toddler so that they trust their own abilities, it's really a game changer for their self confidence. Sure, things might take a bit longer or a lot longer when your toddler's in learning mode, but trust me, it's an investment that pays off in the long run. You're not going to be able to do this all of the time. Life is busy. But do it when you can. And don't feel guilty about those moments when life is too rushed for you to manage. Which brings me to chores as the next building block. I wish I had another name for it, because chores almost seems like there's a negative connotation. And certainly who can think about giving a toddler a chore. But when you involve your toddler with chores, it's about teaching them important life skills early on. Even toddlers feel proud of themselves for helping out and pitching in. And it gives them a sense of responsibility. Plus, they learn that they're an important part of the family, which is something a toddler really needs. So hand them that little broom or let them toss the salad. It's all about raising kids who feel valued and valuable, starting them young on family tasks like sorting laundry or picking up toys, or even helping out in the kitchen in any safe ways. It doesn't just keep a toddler busy, it instills valuable life skills. We're talking about work ethic, a sense of responsibility, and perhaps most importantly, self pride. When a child, yes, even a toddler completes a task, they feel a sense of accomplishment that boosts their confidence and a sense of family. And you know what the added bonus is? They learn that they're a contributing member of your family team. It gives them an understanding that their actions, however small, have an impact. Here are some age appropriate tasks and there's many, many more. But I just want to give you a few examples. Have your toddler wipe the table. Help them feed the pets. Help them with cooking as appropriate. They can stir the batter or cut up the butter. Ask them to help to match the socks after you've washed them. Ask them to help you water plants. They can help put clean clothes in the hamper. There's so many ways to encourage your toddler to get involved. And another building block we need to talk about is let them do it. In other words, it's important to give your child the space to learn without immediately jumping in to correct them. This is something we all do. I see it all the time and it happens very naturally, without second thought. So I'd ask you pay close attention and see when and how you do this. But you want to let your child have the space to learn in their own way and in their own speed. So let them read the book backward or struggle to get the piece of the puzzle in. Let them make choices and see the results. Hold back and give them the room to learn, to make mistakes, to get frustrated and motivated. Of course your child is going to let you know when they need your help. And when they do need your help, give it to them in the form of suggesting they take a break or demonstrate how something is done. A little frustration works as motivation and it keeps your toddler trying to achieve their goals. So hang back if you can, and let your kids do it themselves whenever possible. We're basically helping kids become competent and confident, and along that line comes modeling that we all make mistakes. That's another one of the important building blocks. And by this I mean we need to encourage children to understand that mistakes are a part of everyone's life and the key is to learn from them rather than fixate on them. Probably the best way to show your child this at this point is to be a good example of it. But we're also going to talk about how we talk about things influences how a child feels about trying. In other words, let me explain what I encourage you to do is to celebrate efforts and not results. It might seem counterintuitive, but while praise can boost a child's self esteem, it can also discourage them from taking on challenges or persevering during difficult times. When encouraging your child, emphasize the hard work they put in rather than just celebrating the outcome. So instead of simply telling them, oh, you're so smart, say something like I see how hard you worked on that drawing. Or you could say I love the colors you chose. This approach highlights the importance of effort and it teaches your child that they can improve and succeed even when they're faced with really big challenges. It's all about encouraging the effort, not the outcome. And lastly, I want to talk about daily emotional vitamins. I know I've talked about this also in the past, but this is one of those little things. I feel even embarrassed bringing it up because I'm sure you do this anyways. Life is so busy and it's so easy to forget, but it's important to remind your child that your love for them is unconditional, whether they win or lose, excel or struggle, behave or act out. It sounds like a given, but in the whirlwind of daily life it's something that can be easily overlooked. Slip in whispers of I love you sprinkled throughout the day. And as I talk about in my course, devote at least five minutes every day, if not longer, for uninterrupted child led time with your little one. This quality time has a positive impact on your relationship and on their behavior in general. A key takeaway today is the importance of pausing briefly and using that big hearted lens to extend the most generous interpretation of your child's misbehavior or unwanted behavior. When you do this, you start to realize that there really is no such thing as misbehavior and your toddler is really just acting their age as well. Realize that while praise seems like the obvious way to boost self esteem and self confidence. It's best to give praise wisely. In other words, to focus on the process and on the effort put into the work and a child's perseverance with work and not the outcome. And that goes with grades too. Don't comment on the grades that the child receives on a project, but on the effort they put into the project. So there's some exciting episodes coming up where I'm going to answer your most pressing and concerning questions. Please feel free to send me a DM with them. You can find me on Instagram ealthiestbaby. And in the meantime, keep up the good work and happy parenting.