How to Calm Tantrums

Jamie asked for the pink cup with the hearts, and when I gave it to her, she whipped it at the wall, fell to the floor, and started to cry loudly. Welcome to the Toddler's Made Easy podcast. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with 33 years of experience and the mom of four amazing kids. Today we're going to talk about how to calm a tantrum. The first step to reducing toddler tantrums is to understand what triggers them. A toddler's brain is still developing, and the areas of the brain that control impulsiveness and logic are still under construction. Let's think of the brain in simplistic terms. The right brain is emotional, intuitive, impulsive, tuned into body language, while the left brain, it's logical and linear and thoughtful and methodical and. And thinks in words. Well, tantrums happen because the two parts of the brain in a toddler aren't balanced with adults. The two parts work together, but guess what part runs the show when it comes to toddlers? Yep, you've got it. The right brain. So remember, the right brain is the emotional, impulsive, and sensitive to nonverbal cues part of the brain. During a tantrum, the. The right brain basically overwhelms the left brain. And that's why tantrums can be so confusing and wild and irrational. A toddler's brain, it can't manage thoughts like, I'm not going to get upset about this, but here's the really good brain is balanced and you can share your calm. So, in other words, we can use an adult brain to calm a child's immature brain. When you handle a tantrum calmly, you send a toddler's brain the message, there's no threat here. Now that you understand that a toddler's brain is immature and still developing, hopefully you realize that tantrums, they're not really misbehavior. They're developmentally normal expectations of how a child manages difficult situations. So tantrums are probably as hard on your child as they are for you. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not suggesting for a moment that we don't need to teach our kids right from wrong. But realizing that tantrums are developmentally inevitable should hopefully make it easier to manage them without losing your cool. Toddlers are more likely to have a tantrum when they're hungry or tired or frustrated or overstimulated. So if you can identify the trigger, you can often prevent the tantrum from occurring in the first place. But now let's talk about how to reduce them. So again, if you think your child's hungry or tired or frustrated or overstimulated, address that issue. Otherwise, let's talk about what to do in the moment. A tantrum is like a dance. Each partner contributes to the tantrum. And you can shorten and soften the intensity of a tantrum just by staying calm. But tantrums are going to happen with most, although not every child, no matter how kind, calm, patient, creative and loving you are. And you know why? Because they're developmentally inevitable. Your toddler's brain is still developing. So given that tantrums are going to happen, let's look at how and when to intervene in ways that will calm them down. So the first thing is to understand that there are actually patterns to a tantrum. And, and understanding the tantrum pattern can help you step in at a time when you're not going to aggravate things. So there's anger and sadness expressed throughout a tantrum. There are basically three phases to a Yelling and screaming, getting physical, crying and fussing. Now it's that third phase, the crying and fussing. This is the time to intervene. And as the tantrum is already fizzling out, a child can't really process anything when they're all worked up. So leave the lectures or lessons till a later time when your child is calm. So let's take a moment and just talk about some things that can prolong a tantrum. Getting annoyed at your toddler. I know it's really hard not to get angry or feel frustrated, but we're going to talk about a strategy, how to work on this in a moment. Giving a timeout can lengthen a tantrum. Trying to comfort some kids will often rev them right up. Giving warnings like, if you don't stop crying, I'm going to send you to your room. Will often lengthen a tantrum. And bribing your toddler will give you a cookie if you stop crying sometimes has an effect of lengthening things as well. Most angry children don't want to be touched or soothed, but a sad one does. And that's why it works in. In that phase of the tantrum where it's already fizzling out. That's why it's a good time to intervene sometimes. However, just being close by physically can shorten the angry phase with most kids, not every kid, but most of them. Some kids want their space, but a lot of kids just want you nearby, but not really interacting with them. So save the lessons and the redos and the teaching moments for Another time. Now, if you've taken our online course Toddlers Made Easy or listened to the last podcast episode, you know I like to simplify how to manage tantrums using the easy method. Now, this is a system that helps you stay calm and be present for your child. If you want to learn more about it, check out our Tame Tantrums and sign up for the workshop. And the link will be in the show notes. But here we go. The first step is one of the most essential parenting strategies, no matter what problem you're dealing with, no matter what age your child is. And that's where learning to bring calm to a situation can make a huge difference in how a tantrum unfolds. Assuming, of course, that there are no safety issues that need to be attended to first. So the very first thing you do when responding to a tantrum is pause is do nothing. Before you say anything, I suggest you pause. You actually create a moment, a space between your child's misbehavior and your reaction to it. And then use this moment to let your nervous system calm down. You're human, and it's normal that your nervous system gets revved up with misbehavior because you have that fight or flight response as well. So don't beat yourself up, but learn to use the pause to let your nervous system calm down. And during this space, this moment, do anything that stops you from losing it on your child. So, for instance, you can dance or take a deep breath or use a mantra count. Ground yourself by focusing on the pressure of your feet on the floor. Turn on some music, do whatever helps you feel calm in that moment. But I would suggest you decide how you're going to use this space before you're in the situation where you need to. So wait for that time when the tantrum is already fizzling out that we spoke about earlier. Before you say a word. And then when it looks like it's the right time, you can help your child to feel seen and to feel calmer by showing them that you understand what they're going through. And you can do this by acknowledging or naming your child's feelings. You seem sad. I understand. Sometimes I feel that way. This is a powerful way to help your child feel valued. And actually, it's been shown that the brain secretes calming hormones when feelings are named, so it really helps calm a tantrum down. But let's not forget about the need to teach our kids. This is where you also give and hold the limits. For example, you would're sad. You can't play with the iPad. I get it, but it's not okay to throw things. I'm going to put the iPad or whatever up here to keep everyone safe. And yes, your child will cry and may complain about you moving the iPad. Like, let's face it, he or she probably will. But that's where the final stage comes in, and that's where you find the yes. By that, I mean we can help our kids move on by finding the yes. Or in other words, finding something your child can do. So with this step, a child learns. Okay, well, I can't play with the iPad. I can play with puzzles or whatever else you've suggested. You can even give your child the yes using your imagination. For instance, let's say the big brother finished the cereal your toddler wanted. You could say something like, wouldn't it be amazing if I could stretch my arm all the way to the grocery store and I would grab two boxes of cereal from the shelf and bring them to you right now? What cereal should I get? Then later. And by that I mean much later. When everyone is calm and nobody's upset, this is the time to talk about that situation. This is the time for redos. Or in other words, this is where you teach your child how to handle their anger or frustration or whatever lesson you think would be valuable. Now, before we move on, before we say goodbye, I want to take a moment to just touch on a few things not to say or do. Now, there are knee jerk ways of responding to tantrums that are really best to avoid. And I really hate being negative or just focusing on don't do this and don't do that. But avoiding these habits, it's really worth the effort and discomfort. So my apologies, but there's a few things I'd like to mention. So the first thing is avoid denying your child their feelings. Toddlers often get upset about the most insane things, but while they seem insane to us, they're real and they're crucial to your toddler. So we need to take our toddler's experience seriously, even when it seems ludicrous. Put yourself in your toddler's shoes for a moment. How would you feel if you were extremely upset about something and your partner said, stop whining, it's not a big deal. Well, I doubt you'd say, oh, you're right, I'm just being ridiculous. No, most likely you'd just feel worse and your toddler is the exact same way. They can't talk themselves down. The next point is to avoid telling your kids what they should feel. We often innocently and unknowingly negate our toddler's experience. We tell a toddler not to trust their feelings when we say things like don't be angry or you have nothing to be upset about. Next is don't lie in the hope of avoiding a tantrum. It's so easy to tell a little white lie, hoping maybe you can skip the tantrum. But trust is crucial, so it's better to tell the truth and offer coping strategies. I'd also avoid telling your child to take a deep breath or calm down mid tantrum. Remember, we don't want to step in until the tantrum is fizzling out. Just imagine how you'd feel if you were all upset about something and your partner said, oh, calm down, just calm down. Well, I doubt very much that would help you feel calm and your toddler again is the same way. And here are a few phrases that I'd like to touch on because it's so easy to say them and think them, but they're not going to help shorten a tantrum or connect you with your child. Things like don't be such a baby, or let's say they're getting an immunization. Telling them something that isn't the truth, for instance. It won't hurt, I promise. Other things are there's nothing to be upset about, like your life is so terrible. Don't be angry. I'll give you something to cry about so you can see. They all sound awful, but it's so easy to say them, especially depending on how your parents managed your tantrums when you were baby. Now, before I sign off, I just want to repeat that it's completely normal to get worked up when your child is having a meltdown. It's normal, but the good news is by taking that moment and pausing, you can learn to let your nervous system settle down and bring calm to the situation. And when you do that, you become the parent you want to be. I hope you found this episode helpful. Please share it with a friend that you think might benefit from it as well. I look forward to talking again again next week and have a lovely week.