How To Encourage Independent Play & No, You Don't Need To Feel Guilty

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. This is the place for no fluff, simple research backed 15 minutes or less parenting lessons to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. I'm Dr. Catherine, a general and consulting pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and most importantly, I'm the mother of four amazing kids and a great big doodle. Today we're going to be talking about how to encourage independent play. Every day in my office I hear comments like Mark won't play unless I'm sitting on the floor with him. He'll grab my book out of my hands. If I'm not focused on him, I can't get anything done. Encouraging toddlers to play independently is essential not only for our sanity, but also for our toddlers development. When a child plays independently, they develop confidence. They increase their problem solving abilities, they build resilience. But don't think of independent play as unsupervised play. You still always need to be near and supervising your child. Realize play comes in different shapes and forms. So spend some time getting to know what sparks your child's interest. Do they like animals? Sports? Playing with water? Watching the squirrels in the backyard? Use their interests to build independent play. So create a simple setup where you want your child to play and lay out a few items that reflect their special interest. And then say something like this is your special time and you can do whatever you want to do. If you've been involved with your child's play, you should expect some pushback initially. But what can you realistically expect in terms of how long a child can or will play on their own? Of course every child is different, but let me give you some time frame that will help keep your expectations realistic. I found it very difficult to find any research based time expectations. In fact, I couldn't find any. So these are more anecdotal reports. At about six months of age, a child may be content playing by themselves for five minutes. At 12 months of age they can handle about 15 minutes. At 18 months you might get about 15 to 20 minutes of individual playtime. And at two years, most toddlers will last around 30 minutes. Again, every child is different. So let's look at some habits to avoid that discourage independent play. Here are a few common innocent mistakes that many of us make that causes children to want us to play with them. We love to teach our kids and that sounds innocent enough, right? But here's the problem. Let's say your toddler's having a hard time with the puzzle and you suggest they turn the piece this way or that way. And your child learns I need mummy to tell me how to do things. Or let's say your child is getting annoyed because the play doh is turning an ugly color as different colors get mixed together. And you, meaning to be helpful, explain what happens when two colors are mixed together and your child learns, oh, I can't figure things out by myself. Or let's say your little guy is trying to sweep up some crumbs with his pint sized broom and dustbin but like most of us he's having some problems sweeping it up. And you say here's how I do it. And your child learns mummy is better at figuring things out, so beware. You may be teaching your child that you're the expert on play and and your child learns I need mommy or daddy to play the right way. So things you want to avoid saying are why can't you even play one moment on your own? Or you're not good at playing on your own and why don't you want to say those things? Because kids live up to the labels we assign. Can you see what's happening here? You may be inadvertently making yourself indispensable to your child's play. Now I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty. We all do these things. We just want to help our kids. We want to save them frustration. So we tend to step in. So let's take a few deep breaths and then think about how to encourage independent play going forward. So the first thing is a topic I've discussed before. You know I love magic time and studies have shown that kids are more likely to play independently when they have spent special time with you every day. So I'd put aside five minutes, maybe as long as 20 minutes, whatever you can devote. But spend this time engaging with your child phones down child led time. That means your child decides what he wants to do with this time and you're there to support him. Use the name magic time or special time or whatever name you want to give it so that your child recognizes this as part of the everyday routine where he or she gets focused. Undivided attention doesn't have to be long. Five minutes a day is enough. The next point is to make play a priority. Life is really busy and it's easy to forget the need for open ended play. So build play into your schedule so it isn't just an afterthought. Remember, kids love routines and this is more likely to result in happy play. Than you saying just go play when you're at your wit's end. And we've all said that. If possible, create a play space that is thoroughly toddler proofed so your child can play without interruption or redirection. Set up a play area in your home that's just for your child. This can be a corner of a room or a small table and chair, but fill the area with toys and activities that your child can access easily and we're going to get into that in a moment. Look for ways to help your child do things for themselves. For instance, put stools in the bathroom. Get child sized broom and dustbin. Teach your child how to put on some of their clothes. Let's look at how to prepare the play space because it's a really big part of independent play. So here are some guidelines. The first thing is to make your child's toys accessible. That may mean using a low shelving unit with open shelves to display a few toys or using the bottom shelves of a bookshelf for your kids. Once your child is mobile, even young kids can choose what toys they want to play with. Also, a child sized table and chair will also promote creative play. Keep it simple. A calm space that fosters concentration is ideal. This means fewer toys and even fewer wall decorations. Doesn't mean you need to throw toys out. Practice toy rotations regularly. There's many benefits which we'll discuss separately. Keep electronic toys away from this space as we want your child to play creatively. Also, give everything a home. Children love routines and rituals and each toy. Having a home reinforces a child's appreciation for order and predictability and and it also makes it easier for them to get what they're interested in playing with. Focus on open ended toys that can be played with in different ways that'll keep your child's attention longer. Fewer toys also leads to a greater focus and creativity. So there's no limits on books, but reducing toys has a positive impact on attention, creativity and problem solving and really so much more. As I mentioned, I'd practice a toy rotation, but I wouldn't rotate out anything your child is currently interested in playing with. Encouraging independent play starts with realistic expectations, a safe place for your child to play, and open ended toys. Pick a time that will increase the odds of success. In other words, pick a time when your child isn't hungry or really missing you because you've been away or tired. Playing independently doesn't need to mean playing alone. Assume at least with younger toddlers that you'll be in the room, grab something to do and then plan to stay nearby. So let's look at how to literally begin this so you want to sit near your child, but don't get involved unless they ask you to. And while you're sitting, notice what your child enjoys doing. Think of play as anything that interests your child. It may be as simple as staring out the window and watching the house being built across the street or or reading a book or building a tower. But use this information from observing your child to help guide you on what you leave out in your child's play area. Once your child is really focused on playing, move away from her a little bit so that you can do whatever work you've brought to do with you. However, stay in the same room. If your child calls out to you, respond by narrating what they're doing. So you would say something like wow, you use so many great colors in your drawing. Or building a tower. You're really working hard on that. Busy yourself in the room while your child's playing. Remember, toddlers have a short attention span, so initially playing independently probably won't last very long. But rest assured this will improve over time. You can jump start the process by playing with your child if needed. I'd also make the playtime part of your daily routine because remember, kids just love routines and it can really help jumpstart things. Independent play is possible and it's worth working towards and it's doable regardless of the age of your child. And finally, don't feel guilty about wanting your child to play independently. There's a lot of pressure on you to talk and read and communicate with your child from morning till night. And it can feel wrong wanting your child to play on their own, but it's important for both of you. You need some time for your own demands and needs. And also, there's nothing wrong with doing nothing for a moment, even if there's a mild long list of to do's. And by the way, many parents don't really enjoy playing with their kids. They find it hugely boring and you don't need to feel guilty about that either. It's normal. I want to thank you for listening today. I've got a new guide I'd like to share with you and this is for anybody who is thinking about starting potty training. And even if your child is just a year old, there are five must dos before you start potty training that can really simplify the process. You can find the link to the guide in the show notes. It's called the five must do's before starting potty training. Have a lovely week and we'll talk again soon. Sooner.