How To Handle Hitting, Biting, and Kicking

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Liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty. Hi, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, your host, and welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, the no-fluff, straight-to-the-point podcast. Now imagine this: you invite your friend and her 3.5-year-old daughter Beth over for a playdate. The kids are playing in the basement and they're surrounded by a huge variety of toys and endless options. There's plenty for everyone. But of course, both kids want the same red fire truck. Well, the squabble starts small, grabbing, tugging, and shouts of "mine!" But it quickly spirals. And before you can step in, your 3-year-old kicks Beth in the shin. Now Beth bursts out into tears and just then your son snatches the fire truck from her hands and he's clutching it tightly and refusing to let it go. Have you had to manage a situation like this yet? Well, today we're diving into this scenario, which most parents face something similar sooner or later, and we're going to focus on what to think and do when your toddler hits, kicks, or bites. Now, before we get into it, I just want to reassure you, if your child is showing aggressive behaviors, it doesn't mean they're bad or spoiled, and it certainly doesn't mean you're failing as a parent. Take a moment and imagine being unable to express your frustration after your boss or partner unfairly scolds you. Now imagine this happening 10 times before lunch. Well, welcome to the world of a toddler. When a toddler hits or kicks or bites, we can thank their developing brain. You see, the frontal lobe, the part responsible for impulse control, it's not fully online yet, so impulse control is pretty low. Now add to this the flood of physiologic messages telling your child they're in danger. Well, their body reacts instinctively. Hitting, biting, and kicking are natural reflex responses to a perceived danger. Here's another way of thinking about a toddler's aggressive behavior: when a doctor taps your knee with a reflex hammer, your leg kicks out automatically. Well, toddler's aggression is similar. It's not intentional or planned, but it's more like a reflexive response to frustration or a sense of threat. And here's the deal: toddlers are still learning to handle big emotions. They don't yet have that impulse control, emotional regulation, or communication skills to say, "I'm really upset," or "I need to calm down." So instead, they express themselves physically. Now, some common triggers for aggression include frustration, like when their block tower won't stay up, Or overwhelm—too much noise or stimulation can be too much to handle. Fatigue and hunger play a big role as well. Emotions spiral quickly when kids are tired or hungry. And communication struggles play a role as well. Without their words to explain their feelings, hitting becomes their default expression. It's important to remember this behavior isn't defiance, meanness, or being bad. It's a sign your child needs help managing emotions and impulses. Now imagine it's time to leave the park, but your child isn't ready. So you pick him up and you head to the car, but he starts kicking his legs and hitting your chest and shouting, "No, no!" Well, in moments like this, your response has two parts: one now and one later. Now is about safety. Later is about teaching. Many parents wonder if a big-hearted approach is appropriate for handling physical aggression, worrying it might not send the right message. But the truth is, in these challenging moments, adopting a big-hearted interpretation is key. Instead of seeing hitting and biting, or hair pulling even, as behaviors that demand punishment, view them as signs of emotional overwhelm. Your toddler isn't being bad. They're struggling and they lack the tools to manage their feelings gracefully. Our job is to teach them how to do this. Just as you wouldn't scold a newborn for crying, it's not effective to yell at a toddler either for hitting or biting. These behaviors are impulsive expressions of overwhelm, not calculated misbehavior. But let's be clear. This doesn't mean accepting or tolerating these behaviors, not at all. However, you can be calm, firm, and big-hearted and teach your child kindly that aggression isn't okay while equipping them with better tools to manage their emotions. So let's get back to the original issue. What do you do in the moment? First thing is shift your mindset. Think of your child as scared or overwhelmed rather than bad, and this perspective shift will help you keep your composure and guide your response. It's normal to feel the urge to yell or jump straight to punishment, but if your goal is to teach impulse control and healthier emotional expression, start by managing your own natural impulses. It's not easy to do. I'm not pretending it is. But one thing I've known after being a pediatrician for 35 years is that parents can do really hard things. Big reactions make kids feel powerful and therefore may actually inadvertently encourage the unwanted behavior. So here's what to do instead. Prioritize safety. Your first step is to ensure everyone is safe. Step in. And stop the dangerous behavior by removing the toy or separating the kids or gently moving your child away. Now is not the time for threats, lectures, or trying to teach a lesson. It's the time for safety and calm intervention. But the second part of this is that instead of asking your child to stop hitting, assume the responsibility for this, show them that you're the leader and say something like, I'm going to help you stop hitting by moving you over here, or I'm going to help you stop throwing toys by putting the truck up here. You can play again with it later. Many parents say, I won't let you hit, or I won't let you throw toys. But for some kids, this can feel like a challenge, and phrasing it as I'm here to help you stop positions you as their teammate and not their adversary. Now, before we move on, as a physician, I need to mention one thing, and that's how to deal with the biting from a health point of view. The priority after a biting incident is to attend to the injured child and offer comfort and also to inspect the bite. If the bite breaks the skin, use soap and water to clean the area, actually clean the area regardless, and talk to your doctor to see if further steps are needed. Then, when life is calm, even if it's days later, take advantage of that moment to teach your child better ways of handling the problem that led to the biting or hitting or kicking or whatever the unwanted behavior was. Remember, kids don't learn when they're all revved up. That's why you save this second part of discipline for a time when everyone is calm, as the lesson is more likely to stick. Now, in this situation, this little guy didn't know how to ask for a turn. So that's what the mom focused on teaching her little guy when life was calm. She reminded her son of the situation. In fact, she kind of recreated it for him. She painted the picture. So she told the story of what happened. Remember when Beth came over to play? You both wanted the red fire truck and you were each saying, mine, mine, mine. So paint a really detailed picture of what happened to remind your child. And then teach your child, use play or role play to practice asking for a turn. Let your child role play and play both roles, himself and his friend. And this helps him see the situation from his friend's perspective. You can also teach a great deal by playing with stuffed animals and toys and teach your child about asking turns. Do this in short bursts. Your child will stop listening after a while if you try and do it all in one sitting. So take the opportunity to have your child ask for a turn whenever the moment allows. Now, before we move on, I just want to talk about preventive measures. It's always best to prevent a problem rather than deal with it if you can. The first thing to help prevent hitting or biting or other aggressive behaviors is to prep your child for upcoming activities. For instance, I would say something like, today Beth is coming over to play. If she has a toy that you want to play with, remember to ask her to give you a turn. Can you show me how you would ask? And do this a few days beforehand. On the same morning before Beth comes over. Just quick little reminders. The next thing is stay tuned to your child's cues of frustration or stress and intervene early when needed. I wouldn't sit back and watch to see what happens. Some children may need to be shadowed, or in other words, followed really closely and gently redirected as they begin to escalate. You should also teach your child calming strategies like deep breathing or simple mantras. I needed to use this strategy with one of my own kids, and we developed a secret little signal. I would tap the side of my nose, and that meant he needed to calm down, to use some deep breathing or say the mantra I had taught him. So I wouldn't say a word, just develop a little private signal. And this worked really well for me and hopefully will for you too. Now, being well-rested is another way of raising our kids' frustration tolerance. If getting a good night's rest is something you're struggling with, check out my 18-minute and 43-second class called Help Your Child Fall Asleep Without You. And that's exactly what my class does. It teaches your child how to fall asleep independently Using big-hearted, kind strategies that help your child feel safe and connected to you. It will give you all the gentle steps needed to teach your child how to sleep independently while remaining emotionally connected. Sign up at the link in the show notes. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting.