How To Raise An Awesome Kid

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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm your host, Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and this is your no-fluff, bite-sized podcast. So let's jump right into things. In today's world, we often hear concerns about entitled children. Kids who struggle when faced with even minor setbacks. But what does an entitled child really look like? And how can we as parents and caregivers steer our little ones away from this path? Now, I still remember the time when I was a young kid, maybe a young teenager, and we used to take a family trip to the US to buy clothes for special events like the start of school. We didn't have as wide a range of clothing stores in Canada back then, and I remember there were so many cool outfits, and I guess I wanted more than I was told I could get. Maybe I was fighting with my mother. I don't really remember the details, but I remember my mother saying something to me about being spoiled that really left me feeling ashamed, and I even think about it to this day, which is silly, but there's no real point to my little walk down memory lane except to say I do sound a little spoiled, but what I really want to point out is be careful with the words you use with your children. Words are powerful. Now let's dive into this crucial topic. Before we go too far though, we need to take a moment to pause and consider this. It's important to understand that young toddlers, typically between the ages of 1 and 3, They're naturally self-centered as part of their normal cognitive development. And this isn't a character flaw or a sign of future entitlement problems. It's a crucial stage in their mental growth. It's completely normal. At this age, children are still developing their sense of self and they haven't yet really acquired any cognitive ability to fully understand another child's or adult's perspective or needs. Their world revolves around them and their immediate experiences and desires. You can see this in their difficulty sharing toys, wanting immediate gratification, or assuming everyone sees the world just like they do. It's a phase we all know too well as the terrible twos, but it's actually a necessary and healthy part of a child's journey towards understanding themselves. As a toddler grows, and with proper guidance, they gradually develop empathy and the ability to consider others' feelings and needs. Okay, now let's get back to entitled kids. An entitled child typically displays the following characteristics and behaviors.

When you hear this list, don't think, oh, my kid must be entitled because she sometimes does one or another of these.

Kids will look entitled because they're kids, but over time we want to see their frustration and disappointment tolerance grow. Here's what entitlement looks like: expecting to get what you want when you want it without considering others or the effort required. An entitled child rarely shows appreciation for what they have or what others do for them.

They struggle to accept the word no and may throw a tantrum when denied something. That sounds like a toddler. They often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, instead of blaming others for their mistakes or shortcomings. They have trouble understanding or considering others' feelings or perspectives. An entitled child frequently makes demands rather than requests, treating parents or caregivers like servants. They often feel rules don't apply to them and may frequently break them without remorse. They struggle with the concept of sharing, and they may become possessive of objects or attention. Let's look at a real-life scenario that illustrates some of these behaviors. So 7-year-old Lily is at the playground with her mother when another child starts playing with the swing Lily just left. Lily marches over, pushes the child off, and cries, "This is my swing!" When her mother tries to intervene, Lily throws herself on the ground screaming, "It's not fair!" and demanding a turn. In many cases, entitled behavior stems from loving and well-meaning parents who consistently jump in to solve problems and make difficult feelings go away. While it's natural to want to protect our children from discomfort, this approach can backfire. When disappointment occurs and someone immediately steps in to fix the situation, children miss out on crucial learning opportunities. And life becomes increasingly difficult for an entitled child as they grow older. They never develop those skills to manage frustration or disappointment, and it leaves them ill-equipped to handle life's inevitable challenges. This lack of resilience can lead to struggles in relationships, work, and personal growth. Let's take a look at another scenario. 13-year-old Jake is having dinner with his family. His mother serves everyone's plates, but Jake immediately complains, "I don't want this. I want chicken nuggets." And when his father explains that this is a meal for everyone tonight, Jake crosses his arms and mutters, "I never get what I want." In Jake's case, we see a young person who struggles to accept when things don't go his way. Now let's talk about how we can raise resilient kids, essentially the opposite of an entitled child. It's important to note that when we're talking about toddlers, again, we're dealing with little people who are naturally self-centered from a developmental perspective. This is normal and expected, but our job is to guide them over time towards resiliency and empathy as they grow. So here are some strategies to encourage resilience in young children. First of all, treat toddlers as capable. A toddler feels so great to know that their parents have confidence in them. And one way we can do this is by allowing them to manage toddler-friendly aspects of self-care. So for instance, pulling up their own pants, doing some of the toothbrushing, washing their hands, putting on their PJs. You can empower toddlers to do things themselves when life allows. You don't have to put up pressure on yourself to think you need to do it all the time. But this eventually builds confidence and a sense of capability. Next comes giving age-appropriate chores. Toddlers love helping, so finding ways that they can be involved and contribute to household tasks is really important. Things that a young toddler could do would be put the napkins at the table, help clean the windows, sweep the floor with kid-sized broom, toss the salad. There's all sorts of ways a toddler can be involved. Now, of course, safety always comes first, but toddlers are often more capable than we think. But small, safe responsibilities will help them feel like valuable contributors to the family. The next one is a hard one, and that is to stick to your boundaries. This is often the hardest part for parents. We often feel uncomfortable with our kids' intense feelings, and it's frequently easier to give in when they push the boundaries, which they're wired to do. However, consistent boundary holding is crucial for developing resilience. The key is to find that delicate balance between being kind and firm. You can be firm with calm and understanding. A big-hearted approach to setting boundaries includes taking a very brief moment to consider, "What would I feel like in a similar situation?" This helps us keep our expectations realistic while still maintaining necessary limits. The next thing is encouraging problem-solving. When your child faces a challenge, Resist that urge to immediately solve it for them. Instead, ask questions like, what do you think you could do about this? Or how could we solve this problem? This approach helps develop critical thinking skills and resilience. Young toddlers can't do this, but older ones can. Next comes modeling gratitude and empathy. Children learn by example. That's one lesson I've learned very well as I've watched my kids go from babies to adults. Make a habit of expressing gratitude for both the big and small things in life. Talk about others' feelings and perspectives to help children develop empathy. You don't have to really rub it in, you just have to live it. Teaching delayed gratification is important, especially in our instant gratification world. This skill is more important than ever. Start small. Maybe they need to finish a chore before screen time or save up for a toy that they want. This teaches patience and the value of working towards a goal. And lastly, celebrate effort, not just results. Praise your child's hard work and perseverance, not just their achievements. This encourages a growth mindset and resiliency in the face of challenges. Things to think about as time goes by: Can my child handle losing or not getting something they want? Parents need to feel comfortable with their child experiencing disappointment without fixing the problem. So instead, support your child emotionally, but give them the opportunity to learn to manage disappointment. The next question to ask yourself is: Is my child taking on age-appropriate responsibilities? Giving kids responsibilities around the house is not a burden. These are confidence-building and entitlement-sparing chores, and through these activities, children learn they are part of a family and that they have value to contribute. The next question, and this one is to ask yourself, is, am I modeling resilience and problem-solving? Children learn by watching, and when you face challenges, talk through your problem-solving process out loud. Show them the setbacks are normal and can be overcome. The next thing is, are you having regular conversations about gratitude and empathy? Make it a family habit to share things you're grateful for and discuss how others might be feeling in a different situation. We used to make it a goal during mealtimes to share the best part of our day, and each kid would share something that was special for them.

So finally, raising resilient, non-entitled children is a long-term process that requires patience, consistency, and sometimes that courage to let our kids struggle a bit. By empowering our kids, maintaining loving boundaries, we can help them develop the skills they need to manage disappointment and frustration with confidence and grace. Remember, the goal isn't to make life easy for our children, but to raise children who can handle life's inevitable challenges with resiliency and empathy. Now, earlier I mentioned the power of words. What if you were able to calmly and confidently manage all those classic toddler struggles while protecting your child's self-esteem and also preserving your sanity? And yes, it's possible, honestly. Well, I'm so excited to introduce you to my new Words That Matter 250 Scripts ebook for all those tricky toddler moments. You'll find scripts for handling tantrums, public scenes, bedtime, mealtime, aggressive behavior, sibling conflicts, pacifier use, screen time, applying sunblock, hitting, giving praise, parental preference, potty training, and so much more. It's very affordable. The first 100 buyers are going to get this at a reduced price of $37, and I'll leave the link in the show notes. Have a great week, everyone, and remember, big-hearted parenting is the glue that strengthens the bond with your child.