How To Set Big-Hearted Boundaries

Foreign. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, the no fluff bite sized podcast where we get straight to the point. So today we're going to talk about something that many parents find really challenging and that is setting and holding boundaries. But today we're going to talk about doing it in a big hearted way. Being big hearted doesn't mean letting things slide or being permissive. It's about recognizing your child as a wonderful little person. But they're navigating tough moments and they still need your guidance and limits. Picture this. You're at the store and Your sweet little 3 year old Jackie is in full meltdown mode. Not feeling so sweet at the moment. You see, she wants a Snickers bar and she's not just upset, but she's making a big scene. Everybody's looking at you. Well, we've discussed before how it's often easier to acknowledge a child's feelings than it is to set and hold limits. But if we only focus on their emotions, we miss the safety kids need when they know you're in control. Let me give you an example to explain what I'm talking about. So think of it like this. You're on a boat and the waters are really stormy. Now if the captain came on and said, I get it everybody, you're scared. The water is really rough and I know that can be really scary. Just acknowledging your feelings, that's really nice and it's helps you feel like the captain understands you. But I suspect you would not really feel safe. Now let's imagine the captain that says it's normal to feel scared. But everyone, don't worry. I've been through this many times and I'm going to get us to shore safely. But that reassurance is exactly what you need to feel calm. And guess what? Your child also needs you to be the strong captain, showing them that they're safe when everything feels frazzled. So whether it's putting the brakes on when your child keeps asking for another book at bedtime, or let's say your three year old is pounding her fists on the floor because you wouldn't let her eat the dog food, your toddler needs you to calmly steer him or her to safety, just like the captain of the ship. And one problem is many parents start off calmly, but when their child keeps pushing, they end up losing their cool. I call this the comm Calm explode cycle. And this is totally understandable. You're human and you've got a nervous system too, and it gets frazzled. But remember, a toddler's misbehavior it isn't about driving you crazy. It's just their way of testing limits, which is part of how they learn. How about the world? So let's look at how can we break that calm, calm explode cycle. Here's a tool that I really love. You know, I love alliterations and acronyms. Well, this one is the Calm, Connect and Communicate framework. So it's three Cs calm, connect, communicate. It's simple to remember even when you're feeling frazzled. And it helps you respond to your child rather than react to them. Let's think back to that captain again. If he yelled at you or exploded on you, that would not give you a sense of safety. You need your captain or your parent to be calm and collected in order to give you that feeling of safety and trust that a toddler needs. So let's start with the first point. That's calm. And this is the moment where you take a pause, I call it a power pause. And it's during this moment that you basically create a space between your child's so called misbehavior and your response to it. Use this moment to manage your emotions before you say a word. Now, I'm presuming all safety issues are taken care of. So. So whether it's deep breathing, a mantra, or just grounding yourself, take a moment to let your nervous system calm down before you say a word. Then once you're feeling ready, meaning calm, then it's time to interact with your child. Acknowledge your child's feelings. Understanding their perspective opens the door for cooperation. So this is where you would say something like, I see you're really upset that I wouldn't give you the dog food. I get it. Now, we don't want to stop there because that's where we acknowledge the feelings. And that's the easy part. But the hard part that takes strength on your part is the setting boundaries. And that's under the third C of Communicate. So we want to set those boundaries from a big hearted place. And what do I mean by that? I mean we see our kids as good kids having a bad time. When you look at things this way, it's much easier to be calm and to be the coach or the guide. So you want to be firm but kind. You want to provide the structure your child needs to feel safe. Now let's look at this in a real life example. And this is a story that I was told just a few days ago. So Patty, a spirited little four year old, threw her yellow cup spilling all the juice everywhere. She's now on the floor crying for the blue cup, even though she just asked you for the yellow one. Well, her mom, who was already exhausted from earlier tantrums, takes a deep breath. Now, she knows toddlers often change their mind, so she's not thrown by the meltdown. In fact, I had talked with this mom about how sometimes when a kid, a toddler, makes a choice, let's say you gave them a this or a that. Well, they don't know how they're going to feel after they make that choice. And sometimes they feel disappointed. And even though you just did exactly what they asked for, they can still have a meltdown. Understanding this, understanding how young and how inexperienced your child is, even with those feelings after making decisions can help you keep your composure. So the mom says, I see you're upset about the yellow cup. It's okay to feel mad, but throwing isn't okay. Let's clean this up together. In this moment, little Patty learns three things. Her mom's love is constant, even when she's upset. There are better ways to express frustration than throwing things. And number three, they clean up the mess together. So why is it so hard to hold boundaries? One reason is, as parents, we struggle with holding boundaries because we want to make our kids happy. Maybe you think, well, why not just give her the blue cup? Or everyone changes their mind. My daughter's allowed to. Why not let her stay up an extra half hour? Well, when you're tired, it's so easy to give in. But you know what happens? Before long, you start to feel like your kid's the one who's in charge. So setting a boundary is easy, really, but holding it is the hard part. And I want to just give you some tips for setting and holding boundaries. Number one, and this one is really important, but often overlooked, and that is to use playfulness. It can lighten the mood and certainly engages your child's cooperation. And because you're speaking to them from a point of view that they understand, the next point is to offer choices. You can have this or you can have that. For those of you who listened to the last episode about how to offer choices without overwhelming your toddler, then I'll remind you, offering a choice when your child is exhausted or overwhelmed isn't a good time. It's also not a good idea to offer too many choices or. Or to offer a choice when your child's already in a tantrum. If you haven't listened to this episode, I would recommend you go back and listen to it. Because choices is such a common solution to so many problems, but it can be a problem in itself. And the last point for the tips for setting and holding boundaries is to let your kids help solve the problem. This is a great solution, but it's one that's not often used. Now of course you can't use it with young toddlers, but an older toddler and you'll know when the time is right. So you would say something like you want a chocolate bar, but I'm not buying one today. How can we solve this problem? Well, kids can come up with the best solutions and it also has a great way of diffusing the upset that a child feels because again, who doesn't like to feel empowered? Now, the next point may not seem relevant, but I want to remind you, and this is basically a tip, self care is key when you're trying to stay composed, so handling tough moments. It's easier when you're rested and recharged. So please don't put your needs on the back burner. It's such a common problem that so many of us do. And lastly, I just want to tell you that I am so thrilled to share with you that my new book which happens to be called the Same Thing as this podcast which is Toddlers Made Easy. It's now available for pre order and when you grab your copy now you also get an exclusive bonus when you order today you'll get the words that work 200 scripts for big Hearted parents that I am getting such great feedback about from parents who are using it now. You'll find more information about how to pre order in the show notes. Have a wonderful week. Keep up the good work and happy parenting.