Dr. Cathryn Tobin explains three mindset shifts for staying calm with toddlers: take the long view of your relationship, expect misbehavior because their brains are still developing, and see misbehavior as skill gaps to coach through rather than punish. She covers emotional regulation, co-regulation, and what to say during tantrums or biting.
Foreign. Welcome back to Toddlers Made Easy, the no Fluff podcast for busy parents who don't really have time to scroll for answers while a toddler's climbing the bookshelf. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with 35 years experience. In fact, I just retired, mom of four, and here to help make this step feel a whole lot less overwhelming. So let's get going. Parenting. A toddler can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One minute they're your snuggly little sweetheart, and the next they're sobbing because their banana broke in half. Does that sound at all familiar? Well, if you've ever asked yourself, what's wrong with my kid? Or why isn't this working? You're not alone. You validate the feelings. You try to share your calm. You read the books and follow the scripts, and still your young toddler melts down when their toast is cut the wrong way. Well, what if the problem isn't them or you, but the way we've been taught to think about misbehavior? So today we're going to talk about three small but powerful mindset shifts that will help you understand your toddler more deeply and respond with more confidence and calm. So the first mindset shift we're going to talk about is to begin at the end. And what I mean by that is I want you to think about what kind of a parent do you want to be when you look back years from now? So picture this. It's 20 years from today. You're sipping coffee on your cozy couch. You're texting your now grown child like you do every morning. What do you want that relationship to feel like? Will they say, my mom was always in my corner or she believed in me even when I messed up? That long view perspective can completely shift how you show up in the hard moments. For example, let's say your toddler throws a massive tantrum at bedtime because you said no to another book. Well, instead of snapping, you pause, you take a deep breath and you remind yourself what matters more? Winning this moment, earning, preserving your connection. And you calmly say, I know, sweetheart, you wanted another story. Let's pick one to read first thing in the morning. So you see, you're not permissive, you're just calm. So I'm going to encourage you to really take a moment and think about your relationship in the future. I'm in a situation where my kids are all now grown and, you know, in all honesty, it's something I wish I had done. Maybe it would have helped me to be more calm when I lost it. But I really want you to take a moment and think about your adult relationship with your kids. And how do you want your kids to think of you? The next thing I want to talk about is our expectations. And I want you to expect that your toddler is going to misbehave. And that's not a bad thing. The old thinking is, well, my toddler is trying to drive me crazy, but with this new mindset of my kid is going to misbehave because that's how they're wired. That's where their brain is right now. Well, then the new thinking is my toddler's brain is still developing. My job is to guide my kids while their brain catches up. So tantrums and hitting and biting and not listening aren't signs your toddler is aggressive, has a bad nature, or is naughty or that you're doing something wrong. These are signs your child is still growing and developing the prefrontal cortex, that part of the brain responsible for self control, problem solving, and emotional regulation, is still under construction. Toddlers aren't little adults with poor manners. They're humans with unfinished brains. Let's say your toddler bites another child at daycare. Well, instead of doubling down on punishment, you work with the daycare providers to increase the supervision. And you teach your child how to deal with the frustration but later, at a time when they're conned. So you would say biting hurts. You can say no or walk away. Let's practice this together. So what I want you to focus here on is we're not just expecting the child to change to stop the biting right away because their brain is still not yet developed. They don't have impulse control at this point. So instead, you provide more supervision. You watch the situations where your child is likely to bite or you have someone following them, or you change the situation they're in so they're less likely to bite. The point is, we can't hurry up brain development. We can teach our kids skills that they need to not respond to frustration in the same way. But that takes time. So I would do two things while your child's brain is developing. I'd increase the supervision, but I'd also teach them later at a time away from where the bite has occurred, how to deal with frustration. Now, if you've ever thought I've tried everything and nothing works, well, you're probably right in some ways, because some behaviors don't stop because your toddler just doesn't have the ability yet to Stop them. What they need isn't more punishment, it's more supervision, co regulation and repetition. They need you to supervise them and guide them while their brain is catching up. And that should be really good news. It takes the pressure off of thinking something is wrong with my child or something is wrong with how I'm dealing with this problem. Well, it's not so much that it's wrong how you're dealing with it, but there are other ways that are going to have better and bigger results. And the next point is I'd like us to go from thinking about all those challenging moments instead of thinking of them as bad behavior. I think my child is doing their best given where their brain is at right now. So the old thinking is my toddler doesn't listen. The new thinking would be something like my toddler is doing the best with the tools they currently have. Your toddler isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. And I know that statement is so overused, but it's also really true. Now, when we view tough behavior as a skill gap rather than defiance, we shift into teaching mode and not punishment mode. That doesn't mean we let everything slide. That's exactly not what I'm talking about. It means we hold boundaries while offering guidance and connection. Try saying you're having a hard time leaving the park. I get it. Do you want to race to the car or walk like a dinosaur? Or you could say something like, you're really mad. Well, I'm right here and you're safe. So here's the big shift. When you stop seeing your toddler as a mini adult who should know better or and start seeing them as a little human who's still learning, everything changes. How you see the problem guides how you respond to it. It's easier to stay grounded, you feel less triggered, you stay calmer, and you actually enjoy your child more. Now, this isn't about being permissive. It's about connection over control and parenting in a way that builds emotional health and and lasting trust. Raising little ones is tough. In fact, you're doing one of the hardest and most important jobs in the world. And the big hearted school of parenting is here to support you every step of the way. Join our exclusive membership for parents of young kids and get the practical tools, expert insights and a 247 parenting coach, the Dr. Catherine chatbot spot. You'll also get weekly new quick wins that help you thrive and survive. Because loving our kids comes naturally, but parenting them is something we can work on together. So that's it for today. Keep up the good work and I'll see you next week, Sam.
