How To Stop Losing It On Your Kids

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This is Dr. Cathryn Tobin, pediatrician and friend. Welcome to the Toddlers Made Easy podcast. We're going to tackle today a universal issue that every parent faces at some point, and that's losing your cool with your kids. We're going to explore 3 simple science-based steps that can help you regain and maintain your composure. Implementing these steps can make a significant difference, and you're going to feel so proud of yourself when you start to put them into practice. But before we begin, I want to take a moment to applaud you for tuning into an episode about managing your anger. This speaks volumes about your commitment as a parent. You should feel really proud of yourself for taking this step. However, it's important to remember that listening isn't enough. You need to take what you learn and put it into action. Becoming more composed, it doesn't happen by merely thinking about it. It requires effort and practice. So let's dive in and start making those positive changes. Now, we've all been there. Those moments when our patience snaps and we're left with this hefty dose of guilt. And remember, no one is immune to this, regardless of how things look on social media. Imagine being able to handle your kiddos' tantrums without feeling like you're about to have one yourself. It sounds really good, doesn't it? Well, it is possible, but let's start by understanding what I call the calm, calm, explode cycle. So picture this. Maria is the mom of a sweet 3-year-old named Lily. And although Lily knows better, she decided to make the playroom wall her canvas. In other words, she was scribbling on the wall. So here's what happened. Maria found things unusually quiet, which made her feel a little suspicious. So she peeked into the playroom and she found Lily wildly scribbling on the wall. Well, Maria attempted to redirect Lily to paper, and she was firm and she was clear, but Lily simply ignored her. Maria tried again and again, and she was calm but firmly telling her to stop. But eventually Maria's patience shattered and a shouting match followed. And this all happened just before Lily went to school. Well, Maria felt really lousy about having such an ugly scene when she wouldn't see Lily again till the end of the day, but at the same time she was really annoyed at her for not listening. Does this sound familiar? It does sound familiar to me. Not those exact circumstances, but a situation where I tried to deal with things calmly enough, and when I didn't get the result I wanted I blew. I'm not perfect. Nobody is perfect. I'm far from perfect. So how can we break this cycle? This one where we start off calmly enough but lose it and end up yelling and saying things we later regret. We want our kids to listen without us needing to lose it on them. Well, first of all, understand you can't just decide to stop losing your temper. It doesn't work like that. At least not consistently. It's not about having more willpower, and it's not about being a bad parent or having a bad kid. It's about being human. We all have a little toddler inside of us that reacts when our buttons are pushed. When a stressful event occurs, just like your toddler throwing a tantrum, well, your body releases stress hormones, triggering that fight-or-flight response, and this can make you feel really angry or restless and agitated. And unfortunately, your brain doesn't differentiate between real danger and little-kiddo antics. The stress response is going to kick in either way, and we can end up losing our cool over really minor issues. So understanding your nervous system and how it reacts to stress is the first step in helping you manage your reactions. So what's the solution? Well, often we look at how to change our kids so they stop pushing our buttons. Maybe you've tried a timer or more iPad time or a behavioral chart even.

Well, there's nothing wrong with these steps, but they won't solve the yelling problem. And why not? Well, none of them consistently help because they all depend on your toddler changing. And let's face it, you can't control your toddler's behavior. You can only control your own behavior. But here's the really good news.

You can change how your brain reacts to stress. Yeah, you really can.

So let's break it down into these 3 simple steps. The first thing is to identify your triggers. In other words, just know what sets you off. Is it crying?

Is it whining?

Is it rudeness?

Is it all of the above?

The reason why it's important to recognize these is that if you're aware of them, as soon as one begins, you're going to be able to step in and do something about it. The next step is to recognize your signs of stress. And remember, there's mental and physical symptoms. So maybe your heartbeat goes faster or your shoulders tighten.

Or the mental symptoms are things like feeling jumpy and irritated and having negative thoughts, saying things like, oh, he's so spoiled, or I'm so sick of his behavior.

Knowing these signs early are going to help you manage your stress response better because it's easier to put out a small fire than a large one. In other words, if we step in and do this next step that I'm about to tell you, early on, it'll be much less likely that you'll blow. Now, this isn't going to happen overnight.

This is something you need to practice and practice.

I'd suggest you actually stop for a moment and think about your own reactions to stress. Write them down or say them out loud so you'll notice them earlier and be quicker to respond to them. Now, this next step is the most powerful one of all. And that is to do what I call take a power pause. Now, of course, safety comes first. If anything's going on with one of the kids that needs to be dealt with, deal with that. But otherwise, take a power pause. And that means create a space between your child's behavior and your response to it. Then use the space to calm down before responding. Maybe that means deep breathing or counting or singing a song. Or even just feeling your feet on the ground to help you feel more grounded. I find mantras also work very well, such as "I can do this" or "I'm strong," because really you are strong and you're stronger than you think. Realize that the person you're really in a fight with is you. It's not your child. It's you who can work on how you respond to frustration. We can't just think, I wouldn't blow it if my kids didn't do X, Y, or Z. We need to work on ourselves and how we manage challenging moments when we're all revved up. This is something you truly can change, and it won't happen overnight. It'll take time, but believe me, your kids will give you plenty of opportunities to practice. Now lastly, we can't talk about controlling our temper without talking about self-care. It's crucial to take care of your physical and mental health to be able to handle stressful situations better. Self-care decreases the feelings of exhaustion, burnout, stress, and even depression. This could be anything from taking time out for a hobby you have, or exercising, or meditating, or even just taking a few minutes to relax and breathe. Stop thinking of self-care as a luxury or feeling guilty for wanting time away from your kids. Self-care is a necessity. It's much easier to find the ability to stay calm when you're not running on empty. Now, mastering your nervous system is a crucial first step in maintaining composure with your kids, but the journey doesn't end there. The next step is to have a strategy in place to manage those choppy toddler moments. I teach something called the EASY method that's for managing all those difficult situations thrown your way. This is a 4-step approach to manage difficult behaviors with a big-hearted but still firm approach. If you'd like to learn more about this method, I invite you to register for my free Tame Those Tantrums Masterclass. You can sign up via the link I'll provide in the show notes. This easy method has already brought relief and success to thousands and thousands of parents, and it can do the same for you. Now, before we wrap up, I just want to take a moment to acknowledge you. You're doing an incredible job. Remember, even in the midst of those challenging moments with your toddlers, you have the strength and the ability to navigate them with composure. I believe in you. And I know you've got this. Keep going, keep growing, and remember, you're not alone in this journey. Thank you for tuning in, and until next time, remember, you're stronger than you think. Have a great week, and I'll see you next week.