How to Stop Your Child's Whining

Welcome to the Toddler's Made Easy podcast where you learn how to become the parent every kid loves and wants. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with 32 years of experience and the mom of four great kids. Now, I know you're crazy busy, so let's dive right in. Hi there. So today we're going to talk about whining. Should you ignore whining? Kids whine for many reasons, but actually driving you crazy isn't one of them. It can be helpful to understand why kids whine in order to be able to respond calmly and compassionately and effectively. Kids save whining for their parents because they feel safe with you. So that's the silver lining. I'm going to start off with a little story again. All of my stories are real patients, real problems. But the names changed. So while I was examining two month old Helen, her big sister Sally was pulling on her mom's sweater saying, mom, Mom, I'm hungry. Well, her smart mom had come prepared and pulled out a bagel with some cream cheese. Somehow Sally devoured that sandwich within minutes and started whining again immediately. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Her mom turned to Sally and said, would you please stop it so I can listen to Dr. Catherine? Well, do you think Sally stopped? No way. Sally just kept going and in fact, she got louder and more intense. So I'm sure this situation is familiar to you. You're trying to focus on something. Maybe you've had to bring your toddler along to the new baby's visit and you can't pay attention to what the doctor's saying or the healthcare provider is saying because. Because your toddler is whining. Let's take a moment and talk about why kids whine. Well, the first thing is they need your help. Toddlers really lack sophistication and the moaning and the groaning is their way of saying, I need you, please take care of me. So try saying something like, oh, I can see you need something. If you use a calm voice, I can understand you better and help you. Or they whine because they feel helpless or misunderstood. In that case, it's important to listen, validate their feelings before problem solving together. So try saying something like, it sounds like this is really hard for you. Let's see if we can solve this together. They whine because they're stressed out or exhausted. All humans and yes, even adults revert to more primitive state when they're stressed out or exhausted. And when this happens, it's important to be understanding and patient while working on solutions together. So Try saying something like, you seem really overwhelmed right now. Let's take a break and get back to this in a little bit. It's important to remember that toddlers are just learning to communicate and discovering how to express themselves. They're not very sophisticated. They're limited in their ability to understand emotions and let alone talk about them. So whining happens when life is just too much for them. And I'm sure you can relate to this and think of times in your own life, and I'm sure even very recently where you resorted to whining. So toddlers really don't know how to say something like, mom, I'm feeling ignored and unimportant, and instead they communicate with their behavior. Plus, remember, toddlers just love to feel powerful. This is a theme we've talked about many times because it's such an important reason behind so many toddler problems. So if whining worked in the past to get a rise out of you, believe me, it'll be well worth it for your toddler to try again. Often people talk about a toddler whining to get their way. But instead of viewing whining as a toddler trying to manipulate you, I'd remember that whining is a toddler's attempt to be seen and to be heard, to connect with you. They just lack the tools to do this. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying just accept the whining by any means. We need to help our kids learn more effective ways of communicating. But you'll deal with the whining much more effectively if your mindset says this is just a toddler acting his age. Nonetheless, whining can be hugely irritating. In fact, I read a study that said parents find whining more irritating than a baby crying. And that was true, both their parents and for strangers. So our goal here is to help our kids communicate more effectively. Actually, now that I said effectively, I'm wondering if that's the right word because I think whining is probably pretty effective because it gets your attention very quickly since it's so so grading. Anyhow, let's talk about how to help our kids switch gear and use more. Well, I'm going to use the word again. More effective ways of communicating. When we reframe how we view whining, then we can respond to it more consistently and calmly. Now, I've talked in the past, I think actually in the last episode, about emotional vitamins, and that's where we think in terms of giving our kids Little bursts of love sprinkled throughout the day. And it can be something as simple as kneeling down and making eye contact and having a little chat, or sitting down and playing with your child for five minutes, where you put away the phone and just spend a few minutes with your little one. But it also can be as simple as just a little whisper in their ear. I love you. I remember a special moment I would have with my grandfather every time I visited. He would write I love you in the air. And I just loved that and have remembered it ever since. So emotional vitamins are a great way of avoiding the whining. But now let's also talk about how to deal with the whining. The first thing is whining often happens when a child is tired or hungry or bored. And sometimes it's more effective just to deal with the underlying problem. And then at a later date, at a time where everybody's calm, you can talk with your child and teach them through play how to communicate more effectively when they want something. Which brings me to using playfulness. Play is really important with a toddler and getting them to communicate and cooperate because it talks to a toddler on their level, it's where they're at developmentally and it works like magic because it speaks to them where they're at. For my kids, I used to pretend when they would whine, and this is a strategy I've been using for decades with other families as well. But I'd make a game of the whining. So they start whining and you start going, oh, what's that noise? Where's that noise coming from? And you'd open up the fridge, look in the fridge, lift up the pillows, look under the pillows, under the couch. And then my kids would even get involved and they'd start looking for the whining. But this was just a very quick, non emotional, like it was easy, nobody got all revved up. Way to get a little one out of the whining. Once we found the whining, I would just take it and throw it over my shoulder. You know, you can make just a game of it. It doesn't always have to be serious and lectures or logic. There's another strategy I want to share with you that works very nicely as well. And this is a silent message. So I'd recommend you develop a little sign. You can choose it with your kids. For me, it was tapping my nose. So when one of my children started to whine and I wanted them to use calmer voice, I would tap my nose and that was a signal to them to switch gears. Now, they chose the signal and they thought it was so funny that I would tap my nose. One of my kids asked me to pick my nose, but I said no and we settled with tap my nose as a signal to stop the whining. Now, of course, this isn't going to work with every child, and it isn't going to work if they're deep into the whining. But if you can catch them right at the beginning, then it can be at least a strategy for you to try. The next one is whispering. Whispering is a powerful technique because it helps kids switch gear. They have to focus, they have to listen harder to hear what you're saying. And so for some kids, it will just break the whining. Now, I want you to know that it's okay if whining drives you crazy. You are not alone. As I mentioned, I read a study and it was carried out by a doctor, so called Chang, and it found that whining was more distracting and grating than a baby crying. So you're not alone. All of us find whining difficult to take. I hope with today's episode you've learned a few simple, easy strategies to try that don't involve punishment or timeout, but are equally effective. Now, if you want a handy resource about how to stop whining that will keep the whole family on the same page, download our whining guide. You'll find whining decreases quicker when a consistent approach is used by all the caretakers. And you'll find the link in the show notes today and you'll get the resource right away. So please consider rating and reviewing my show. This helps me support more parents just like you to create a more peaceful and happy family life. And also, don't forget to follow the show. I'm adding lots of bonus episodes, and if you're not following, there's a chance you'll miss them. So until next week, thank you for listening to Toddlers Made Easy and we'll see you soon.