How To Stop Your Toddler From Hitting

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. This is the place for no fluff, simple research based 15 minutes or less parenting lessons to help you calmly manage all those crazy but awesome toddler moments. I'm Dr. Catherine, a general and consulting pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and the mother of four amazing kids and a great big golden doodle. Today we're going to be talking about why toddlers hit about it. Before we get going, I just wanted to mention something. Someone asked me the other day about why I started a podcast and I thought it was a really good question, so I want to share my answer with you. The topics I discuss on the podcast are the conversations that are really difficult to have in an office setting. There are so many sick kids to see each day that this kind of conversation often gets pushed to the side. And so that's why I started the podcast so you could find solid and reliable answers for all those tricky toddler moments. Now I know you're crazy busy, so let's dive in. Today we're going to be talking about hitting and what to do about it. Now, toddlers hit for a variety of reasons. They hit because of frustration or anger, or because they lack the language skills to express themselves. They may hit for attention or to assert their independence. Toddlers basically they behave how they feel. Also, toddlers are learning about cause and effect, so they may hit out of curiosity or a lack of understanding about how their actions actually impact somebody else. They may not realize that hitting actually hurts. Plus, toddlers have poor impulse control because their brains are immature. They really don't understand their feelings, but they act how they feel. Also, compassion doesn't really even start to just begin to develop till close to three years of age. And really, typically a toddler isn't deliberately trying to hurt someone. Now, if you're worrying that hitting means your child is a bad kid, or concerned about what the future holds if she's hitting now at such a young age, or maybe you just feel like a bad parent. So let's touch on this right now so you can let it go. No, your child is not a bad kid and you're not a bad parent. And no, it's not a sign of problems down the road. Your toddler is not a mini adult and that means his or her brain is immature. He doesn't have the speech to articulate what he's feeling, and even if he did, he doesn't have the insight to articulate what he's feeling. So when A toddler hits, he's really just acting his age. But you still need to teach your toddler better ways of managing difficult feelings. Now, before we get to that, let's just step back for a moment and look at things from your toddler's perspective. So toddlers hit to express their feelings. They use their bodies to communicate what they're feeling. So a hungry, a sleepy, bored, angry, overwhelmed little guy will potentially be physically aggressive when he's all revved up. Also, toddlers have bad days just like we do. It may be related to being overt, feeling frustrated or for endless other toddler reasons. But toddlers can be in a bad mood and unfortunately they lack coping skills to deal with things calmly. Toddlers also hit to protect their space and their property. I don't know if you've noticed, but toddlers are more likely to hit when they're amongst their friends. Toddlers also, they need their space. If they feel like their personal space is being invaded, they may pull a punch. They also may have learnt this behavior from watching other kids or from siblings. And sometimes they're just trying out a new thing. Life is one big experiment to a toddler. So they may try hitting or other pushy behaviors to get their way since they lack those verbal and negotiation skills. Okay, so great. Understanding is wonderful, but you still need an effective way of managing hitting. So let's talk about how to do this in a way that not only protects your toddler's self esteem, but also helps you to stay calm so you can handle things the way you want to. Realistically though, if your toddler smacks you, it's really hard to stay calm when you're in pain or taken by surprise. Our fight or flight response kicks in and we get all revved up and you're human and this is likely to happen. So we need to have strategies in place to manage these moments. Now, if you've already taken my course, you know about the easy game plan for managing challenging toddler moments. We're going to use this easy game plan here. I'm going to just quickly review it for those of you who aren't familiar with it. Easy is an acronym for E is for evaluate, A is for acknowledge, S is for sticking to boundaries, and Y is for yes. And this is a system that helps you keep your cool when you're upset and it also will help you manage things the way you really want to. So let's look at this in action. One of our first and biggest priorities when we're handling hitting is, is to not yell and scream. And I know it's not easy, but I also know you're a mom, and that means you can do really hard things. The first step is designed to help you get your mind in the right place so you can manage things calmly. And that's the E of easy. Or in other words, it's for evaluate. And by that I mean evaluate. You. You're human. You're going to have the fight or flight response just like your toddler. So you need to take a moment and let your nervous system calm down. Now, assuming there isn't a safety issue that needs your immediate attention, I take a moment and do whatever you need to not lose it on your child. Maybe use a mantra, he's just a toddler acting his age. Or think I can do this. Or ground yourself by putting your hand on the crown of your head. Or use deep breathing. You can also focus your awareness on feeling your feet on the ground. There's no right way, but I would actually suggest you practice one of these approaches so you can become a pro at it when you need it. Now, before we turn our attention to the little hitter, let's talk about why connecting with your child before correcting their behavior is a good thing. When we connect with our kids before correcting them, it keeps us on the same team. And thanks to modern brain science, we know that kids learn best when they feel accepted and understood. For instance, I love you, but it's bedtime is a perfect example of connecting before correcting. So you see, gentle parenting isn't permissive. It's just based on connecting with your child so that they can hear and understand you. This brings us to our second step of the easy game plan. And that's the A for acknowledge. And in this step, we acknowledge your child's feelings. But in this situation, because somebody has gotten hit, I'd first check the child who was hit and comfort them first. Then turn your attention to the hitter and say something that acknowledges that you understand what your little one is feeling. So something like, you're angry that Jake wouldn't give you a turn with the truck. It's okay to be angry. We all feel angry at times. But next comes the S in easy, which is, stick to your limits. And this part is the correction, and it's the hard part for many parents. And this is where you would say, but it's not okay to hit. I'm going to move you over here where you can play so no one gets hurt. So you see, we're not just acknowledging their feelings. We're also setting limits so your child learns. There will likely be tears and pushback, but hitting is never okay, and this is how your child will learn. But the bigger lesson comes later and we'll get to that in a moment. For now, let's just get to the yes so the yes in Easy. Here's where you show your child While you can't hit, there are other things you can do. So for instance, you could say you can play with the puzzles or build a fort. When we move past what your child can't do, which is in this situation as hitting, we help them discover optimism. While I can't hit, I can play with a puzzle or build a fork. And then at another time, even another day when everyone is calm, Give your toddler a redo. Now, a redo is an opportunity to fix behavior and teach more effective and desirable ways of handling things. And don't worry if you're not sure how to do a redo, as we're going to devote a whole episode to this in the near future. Now, I always like to look at how to avoid problems, not just deal. So let's look at some other strategies that will help avoid the problem altogether. Other tools that you can use to discourage aggressive behavior is to notice your toddler's good behavior and comment on them. Oh, I love it when you read your baby sister a book. Also, gossiping with stuffed animals is a great way to encourage good behavior. If you haven't listened to my episode from September 7th with the title My Favorite Way to Encourage Good Toddler Behavior, I'd suggest you give it a quick listen as it's a sweet strategy to inspire better behavior without any lectures or reminders. I think you'll like it. Now, making sleep a priority is also important as a tired child has a lower tolerance level and a harder time accessing those few coping skills he has when he's all revved up. Also, intervene early if play is becoming aggressive. Don't take a wait and see approach. Keep your kids physically active. Let them get all that pent up energy running around out at the park or in the backyard. Another strategy that we used in our family was we always left parties or play dates or other visits early before any trouble brewed. So with our kids we made it a point to leave when everyone was happy. I wanted them to leave with a good feeling and in that way you don't overstay your welcome and you always leave on a good note. Now, are you struggling with tantrums and other tricky toddler behaviors if you're looking for kind but effective ways to manage toddler problems, take a look at our online course. It has the same name as the pod, so it's easy to remember. It's Toddlers Made Easy, the online Course. I want you to enjoy these crazy, awesome toddler years, and I know this course will help you. If this interests you, you can find the link to the guide in the show notes. Thank you for listening today and I look forward to seeing you next week.