How to Stop Your Toddler From Throwing Things

Welcome to the Toddlers Made Easy podcast, where you learn how to become the parent every kid loves and wants. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with 32 years of experience and the mum of four great kids. Now, I know you're crazy busy, so let's dive right in. No one wants their kids flinging toys or objects across the room. And I'm not talking about a friendly game of catch. I'm talking about when the remote control goes flying across the room because you told your toddler he can't have another piece of cake for breakfast. Or the toy truck that's whipped at the dog because you just told your toddler she can't have more iPad time. And many parents, just like you, ask me, why are my kids more likely to throw their toys than play with them? Does it mean you're a bad parent? Absolutely not. Does it mean your toddler is spoiled or a little brat? Absolutely not. Parenting a toddler is tough, but having a toddler who whips objects at the dog or a sibling or across the kitchen, it's enough to make you snap. And that's just the beginning. There's also the guilt and the shame and the regret that follows. So is this your fault? Well, no. You're raising a toddler who's acting his age. So let's step back and consider. Why do toddlers throw toys anyways? If you've taken my course, toddlers made easy, you know that throwing toys is completely, 100% normal behavior. A toddler's brain is still developing, and the parts that control logic and communication and emotional control, they're still very underdeveloped. So the logical and the emotional parts of the brain, they're not talking to each other yet. And this means a toddler can't use logic or even articulate his feelings. Your toddler isn't going to say, mummy, I'm really upset that Jack won't share the I love you book. No, he's not going to do that. Instead, he'll take his toy and he'll throw it across the room. And that's how he's telling you this. So, after receiving a ton of DMs about toddlers throwing things, I decided it's time we devote an episode so I can show you how to gently but effectively stop toddlers from throwing. So here's what I'd like you to think about. Remember that everything to a toddler is new and exciting and interesting. And when they throw a toy, they're curious about cause and effect. In fact, life is Just one big, huge experiment. Now, they also throw toys because they're angry and they can't express their emotion. Both of those reasons may be very understandable why a toddler's throwing toys. But it's dangerous and it's destructive. So how do we allow a toddler to explore throwing in safe ways while still teaching him that it's not okay to throw toys? So let's start with what not to do. And I'm starting with that because this is often the most common knee jerk reaction. So it's natural to snap and explode. You're human, you're wired to lose it when your buttons are pushed. But here's the thing. Yelling it just reinforces the very behavior you're trying to stop. It encourages your toddler to throw his toy or object again and again because he loves feeling powerful. And seeing you all worked up makes a toddler think, oh, wow, that's kind of cool. I'm going to try that again and see what happens. Now, I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, not at all. You're not messing your child up and you're not making a mess of parenting. But we've got to look for some more effective ways of responding to throwing, so it stops. So what should you do instead? So we're going to stop your toddler from throwing toys using the easy game plan. This is an acronym I recommend you use to help you approach any of those tricky moments with your kids. The steps are. Number one is evaluate, which really means just pause, acknowledge your child's feelings, stick to the boundaries, and then yes. Find the yes. And that's the E, A, S, Y. Now, if you'd like to do a deeper dive into this really revolutionary approach, I've got a free webinar on how to manage tantrums without losing your cool. And you can sign up for it in the show notes. And then you'll break out of that calm snap cycle and feel like the amazing parent you already are. And yes, this is possible. So remember earlier I said you're wired to snap when your toddler pushes your buttons, like hurling a toy across the room. Well, the very first thing to do is actually nothing. Pause. Now, that's assuming, of course, everyone is safe and no one was hurt by the flying object. So I want you to take a second and let your nervous system cool down before saying a word. Take a few deep breaths, repeat a mantra. I'd suggest my toddler is just a kid acting his age. My toddler is just a kid acting his age. You get it. So basically, do absolutely anything that helps you calm down. Just don't lose it on your child. The next steps are really where we correct and direct. So contrary to what you might think or what your knee jerk reaction may be, meltdowns are not the time to correct your child's behaviour. Have you ever met a toddler who was actually ready to talk during a tantrum? I'm going to give you an example that you may find more relatable. Imagine getting to a coffee shop and finding it closed. You've been trying to get there all week because it's the only place that carries your favorite coffee beans. And you're really upset because you rushed all day only to get there and find that the store had closed just a few minutes earlier. So you call your partner, looking for a little empathy, and he says, oh, stop being so melodramatic. What's the big deal anyways? Well, that's not likely to help you calm down, is it? And it won't make you feel any better. Now let's imagine he said, oh, wow, that really sucks. Do you see how that diffuses things? You'd at least feel a little calmer. Well, the same thing is true with toddlers. Showing you understand what they're feeling, it helps them feel calmer. And another thing that is really nice is it strengthens your relationship. So you can help your child feel like a VIP by saying something that shows you get him. For instance, you could say, wow, you really love throwing things. Now that I would only use if you think your child's just throwing. Out of curiosity, if you think your child's throwing something because he's angry, I'd say something like, it's okay to feel frustrated. I get it. Notice I'm not saying the behavior is okay. I'm not saying that one little bit. We're only saying the feelings are okay. And for most of us, this is like learning a new language. We're not raised talking about our feelings, so it doesn't come naturally or easily, but it will become second nature with time. And honestly, you are going to be so surprised at how effective. Just that simple. Acknowledging your child's feelings. It's such a powerful way to help a child, even adults calm down. And now for the part where you tell your little picture the clear feeling, firm, non negotiable boundary. So you take some deep breaths and you remind, my kid is just a toddler acting her age. And then you say something like, it's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to throw things. Now I'm just going to move the remote control over here so no one gets hurt. Now maybe you're thinking my kid would just start screaming and crying after that and well, that is what you should expect. Yes, your child's going to have pushback, and not just once. There'll be a lot of it, at least initially. He or she will be excited to throw something again and see your reaction. Plus, nobody likes to hear the word no. But hold your boundaries. And yes, I know it can be really hard, but here's where you dig deep and you don't cave in. It'll get easier when your toddler learns that you really mean it when you say no. It's hard to say no to someone you love, but remind yourself why it's important. In other words, throwing toys is just not okay. But there's still another step, and this is actually my favorite one. Here's where you help your toddler get out of tantrum mode. You find the yes, which means you look for something your child can do. For instance, you can't throw things inside, but let's go outside and you can throw your ball. If going outside isn't possible, say something like, you look like you're really having a lot of fun throwing things, but it's not safe to throw toys inside. But you can go throw your soft stuffed animal or your pillow onto the bed because it's soft and it won't hurt anybody. You see, when you shift to the yes, your toddler learns that while they can't do one thing, there are other things they can do. And it encourages them to be open minded. They learn while I can't do one thing, there are other things I can do. And that's an optimistic mindset. That's it for today. But if you'd like to learn more about how to handle toddler tantrums like a pro and dig a little deeper into that easy method we were talking about. Sign up for our free masterclass. The link is in the show Notes. Have a great week and I'll see you next Wednesday.