Dr. Cathryn Tobin explains why a 23-month-old spits and hits, and how to respond. Spitting is normal attention-seeking behavior, so redirect it to the sink instead of reacting. For hitting, use empathetic labeling and brief removal to a safe space, and set clear limits.
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When I use a stern voice to say no or stop, she just laughs at me and does it more welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician who loves helping parents manage all those tricky toddler moments in ways that protect a toddler's self esteem. Now, I know that parents are the busiest people on the planet, so I've cut out all the small talk and fluff and like an office consultation. We'll get right down to the Today we're answering a question from Rebecca, a lovely mum who's from Canada. My daughter, 23 months old, has started spitting on the floor on purpose. She's been doing this for about a month with increasing frequency and when I use a stern voice to say no or stop, she just laughs at me and does it even more. I'm not sure how to stop this. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Oh and by the way, we basically say no or stop. That's not funny, that's not nice. And I say it with a very serious face and voice and she just laughs in our face. Sometimes we get a paper towel and we ask her to clean it up and she does that happily. But usually she's just so pleased with all the attention that she keeps spitting. Finally, we direct her attention elsewhere. Now, I'm not sure if this is related, but in the past week she started to slap me and only me. And she slaps me in the face and has that same laughing reaction. She'll slap herself in the face immediately after. So I don't think she really realizes that it hurts, even though I tell her I'd really appreciate some help. Hi Rebecca, thank you for reaching out. I want to reassure you that you're not alone. Spitting is a common kid problem. And before we get into more details, let's just take a moment and think about, well, why do toddlers spit in the first place? To us parents, spitting is gross and it is gross, but kids think it's really funny. And what makes it so much fun? Well, I can think of a few reasons, but the most significant one is that kids just love watching their parents freak out. And it's not because they're bad kids, it's because kids just love to feel powerful. From a developmental perspective, toddlers are coming to realize themselves as a separate person, and spitting and seeing your reaction emphasizes their individuality. But tied up in all of this is also that love of feeling powerful. And can you just imagine how your toddler feels seeing you get so upset? It's like he's got superpowers hey, all I need to do is spit and both my parents blow up. It's so easy and fun. I'm going to do it again and again. So one way of dialing down the spitting is to help your child discover more effective ways of exploring his individuality and sense of power. So how do you do this? Well, here's some really good news. Instead of focusing on trying to get our kids to change, we can change our approach to the problem instead. And this is really easy because you control you and it's much easier to change your behavior than it is to try and get your child to change theirs. So let's look at how to interrupt this cycle. Now, when we flip spitting from something that's gross and disgusting and annoying into something that's just routine, you remove the incentive or in other words, the rebelliousness. So just like we spit in the sink when we brush our teeth, I direct your child to go spit in the sink. Oh, I see. It's spitting time. Okay, quick, let's go spit in the sink, sweetheart. You keep spitting until your body says it's time to stop. You know your body best, so actually walk your child to the sink and give him or her a stool so she can reach the sink easily. This step is really important because it sends a more clear and solid message. Plus it shows you're on the same team. Now, realistically, your child's not going to just stop spitting after asking them to use a sink once. But now you have a recipe for how to handle this behavior. One that breaks that spit and you blow up cycle. One that's built on understanding that spitting is just a toddler acting her age. Your toddler is actually working on entirely age appropriate behaviors, even though they're rather unpleasant ones. Now, let's talk about things you can do day to day to empower your child around her evolving individuality so she doesn't need to spit. So here's where giving choices comes in. So, hey, do you want the blue or the green cup? The green cup. Okay. Wow. You really know what you want. Give your child the opportunity to feel independent. Give them appropriate chores. Let them help you in the kitchen when possible. They can do a lot more than you think. It just takes them longer. Let your toddler feed the dog or put out napkins or put on their own shoes or other chores they can manage. This encourages a sense of independence and it helps them feel capable. And then there's less need for spitting. If possible, create a child friendly room or an enclosed space that's made Specifically for a child where she can be 100% safe, creative and confident. In this way, she can explore and learn without being redirected or interrupted. Now, before we move on, I just want to review things. When we flipped the script and made spitting almost inconsequential, it lost its power and it stopped being so enticing. So do you see how we changed a tricky behavior by changing our end of the equation? We need to also address your child slapping you, which I can imagine is pretty upsetting and frustrating. We all need strategies to get through these challenging moments, otherwise we knee jerk and do and say things we later regret. Now, unlike spitting on the floor, hitting you should be dealt with more directly and quickly. Hitting you is not okay on any level. Even though in this situation it sounds like it's experimental. Like your little one is wondering what will happen if I hit mummy. But she may also be trying to get your attention, or maybe she's upset and letting you know in her toddler sized way. But nonetheless, hitting is not okay. So first let your child know that you see and understand her by saying something like you seem angry or sad or curious. Whatever the emotion is. I sometimes feel that way too, sweetheart. But it's not okay to hit. And I'm going to move you over here to play so no one gets hurt. You can read your books over here or play with your puzzle. So do you see how you're staying on the same team when you let your child know that sometimes you feel the same way? It also takes shame out of the situation when you share the feeling. And lastly, I've got to mention something about your child laughing when you reprimand her. I know it can be so confusing and frustrating. It probably feels like your daughter doesn't care or that she doesn't think she's done something wrong, or maybe it feels like she doesn't respect you. But typically when a child laughs when reprimanded, it means she's sensitive and feels uncomfortable being told she's done something wrong. This is her coping mechanism. It's how she's managing the uncomfortable feelings and the confused feelings. And we're going to devote an entire episode to this topic in the near future for these tricky toddler moments. It helps to have new ways of handling problems that are grounded in protecting your child's self esteem and helping you stay calm. If that's something you'd find helpful, take a look at our online course Toddlers Made Easy and the link is in the show notes. If you're having any challenging toddler moments that you'd like help with. We please send me a DM on Instagram. You'll find the link in the show notes. Again, thank you Rebecca, for sharing your story and thank you everyone for listening.
