How Toddlers Say, "You Hurt My Feelings!"

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I grandmother a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge My great big goldendoodle. Our focus today is on understanding how our tiny toddlers express their deep feelings. For instance, how does a toddler say, you hurt my feelings without using those exact words? Imagine this scene. Your busy 2 1/2 year old Jason has has grabbed your embroidery scissors and he's punching holes in your beloved green satin cushions. This actually happened to me. In a mixture of panic and frustration, you grab the scissors away from him with a firm hand those over right now. Jason looks at you. Then tears well up in his eyes and he screams, you're a bad mummy. Now your knee jerk reaction is to object and say, that's not nice. That hurts my feelings. But Jason's verbal skills don't yet match the depth of his emotions. He doesn't know how to say, I felt hurt when you took those scissors away from me or I'm upset because you shouted at me. Instead, his feelings are expressed through behavior like throwing a toy or snatching something from his sibling, or hitting himself or bursting out mean words or even a temper tantrum. Our little chimps, as you know, may not always have the words or the understanding to express their emotions. They're relying on us to act as emotional interpreters, decoding their actions and responses so we understand what's happening beneath the surface. Have you ever been in the midst of a heated discussion and you storm out of the room saying, that's it, I'm done. I'm not talking about this anymore? Deep down, you're really secretly hoping your partner will chase after you. Now picture this scenario in the context of your little one. Their behavior may look one way, but when you look at the person behind the behavior or the toddler behind the behavior, your toddler may be trying to say something entirely different as well. In other words, the a toddler's behavior can seem on the surface to be one way, like a tantrum or a quiet moment. But when we look beyond the immediate unwanted behavior and ask ourselves, what's the feeling behind the behavior or driving the behavior, it allows us to understand these awesome little guys and gals better. So in practical terms, this means asking questions to try to understand the behavior as you peel away the layers. So asking questions like, could my kiddo feel worried or sad or even mad? Now? What's going on? When this unwanted behavior occurred, what could be the deeper need my child is trying to express through their actions? And if I'd done something similar, what might I be feeling in the same situation? When we truly understand that our little ones are expressing their feelings Feelings. Through their actions and their behavior, we help toddlers to feel seen, heard, and understood. This emotional recognition creates a sense of safety and a feeling of being valued. It sends a powerful message to kids. It sends the message that they can trust us, depend on us, even when the emotions are all over the place. Now, once we've peeled away the layers, the next step is to manage the situation. So let's look at the scenario using Jason as an example. Again, he was poking holes in one of his mom's favorite pillows with a pair of pointed scissors, which obviously isn't safe, let alone it's destructive. So after his mom grabbed the scissors from him, he shouted, you're a bad mummy. Well, on the surface, punishing Jason for going all Picasso on the pillow, well, that would be easy. But when we look past the words in the action, what do we see? A curious little boy whose feelings were hurt when his mom grabbed the scissors away from him. So instead of yelling at Jason and sending him to his room for messing the pillow up, this became an opportunity to strengthen their relationship and help Jason feel seen and valued. And then also to teach Jason very clearly about undesirable behavior, like poking holes in your favorite pillows. These early years are a really critical time for relationship building and building trust, respect, and understanding. Now, let's get back to the original question about how a toddler says, you hurt my feelings. Well, a toddler's brain is still under construction, and therefore it lacks both the communication skills and the personal insight needed to be able to label feelings. Therefore, feelings will come out in behavior. So a toddler may show their feelings are hurt with a dramatic meltdown or crying inconsolably, sticking their tongue out when scolded, hitting themselves or hitting you or going quiet. Now, when we understand that kids behave how they feel, we have the opportunity to interpret undesirable behavior as well. My kid's just a good kid having a tough time. And this kind of thinking allows you to respond to your child in a way that speaks directly to what your child needs. And you develop a stronger connection in this process. Now, there's one last thing. Even when your toddler is upset and you're trying to sort out the feelings behind the behavior, it's still important to set and hold boundaries. No punishment does not imply no boundaries. So if your toddler's upset because you said no to cake for breakfast and then she slaps you, it's crucial you acknowledge her feelings. But it's equally important that you still teach and guide your little one about undesirable or unwanted behaviors. So you might say something like, I understand you're upset about the cake, sweetheart, but hitting is not okay. A non punitive approach can really feel scary. People may warn you that your child's going to grow up entitled and disrespectful and spoiled. But there really are many ways to teach children that don't involve making a child feel ashamed or scared. A non punitive approach is grounded in respect. And yes, even toddlers, especially toddlers, deserve to be treated with respect. When we're more reflective, we stay on the same team as our kids and we work with them as opposed to against them. And remember, when a child feels better, they behave better. In my experience, when we peel away the layers and reflect on what's going on with the person or the child behind the behavior, you actually stop feeling angry because you see what's really going on. So let's do a quick rehash. Learning to decode your toddler's behavior. It's like gaining a parenting superpower. It helps us to better address our toddler's needs and emotions. It creates a more effective communication bridge. Moreover, it shows our little ones that their feelings are valid and they're essential and it strengthens our bond. It sends the message, I see you, I hear you, and your feelings matter. And this sense of being understood and value is what builds trust and emotional security. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? So when your toddler's behavior seems baffling or challenging, take a moment to listen with your heart, not just your ears. Your toddler might be trying to say, you hurt my feelings in the only way they know how. Parenting is hard. It just is. And I totally get it. So if you've been nodding your head along with this conversation and you're interested in a more hands on, practical research based strategies and insights to navigate respectfully and lovingly manage these toddlers years. Well, we've got just the thing for you. Check out our courses, Toddler Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. These online courses have been a hit with parents everywhere just like you, providing real, everyday, solid solutions for those pull your hair out moments. You'll find all the info in the show notes, so take a peek, get the lowdown, and join us on this incredible parenting journey. Let's do this together. Because honestly, it takes a village to raise a child. I'm sure you've heard that one before, because it's true. Thank you for listening and have a wonderful week. Happy parenting. Sam.