"I Hate You!" — Scripts for Toddler Tantrums

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself.

When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere.

Living a busy life, navigating a long-distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather. Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone.

Talkspace works with most major insurers, and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 when you go to Talkspace.com. Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com. Save $80 with code SPACE80 at Talkspace.com. Talkspace.com. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself.

When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere.

Living a busy life, navigating a long-distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather. Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone.

Talkspace works with most major insurers, and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 when you go to Talkspace.com. Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com. Save $80 with code SPACE80 at Talkspace.com.

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm your host, Dr. Cathryn Tobin. This is the no-fluff, bite-sized podcast where we get straight to the point. Today we're diving into how to handle tantrums. And I'll be sharing scripts that will make those tough moments feel more manageable. Whether it's a meltdown at the park or refusing to get dressed, you'll walk away with practical, big-hearted phrases to help guide your toddler through those challenging emotions. So let's get started. Every parent knows that moment. Your toddler's face scrunches, the crying and complaints begin, And suddenly you're in the midst of a full-blown tantrum. It can be overwhelming, exhausting, and it can leave you wondering what to do. But what if you had a guide? Words you could lean on, phrases that calm the storm rather than fuel the fire. In this episode, I'm sharing practical scripts designed to help you confidently navigate tantrums and stay connected to your child. While teaching them valuable emotional calming skills. Let's dive into how you can handle these intense moments with calm, confidence, and the power of big-hearted communication. Let's start with the grocery store tantrum. Your toddler wants a candy bar, but you've said no. Suddenly, 3.5-year-old Ellis throws himself to the ground screaming and kicking and crying. So loudly that everyone turns to stare. Well, public tantrums can feel like a test of every parent's patience. The stares from the strangers, the loud cries, and the overwhelming pressure to fix the situation quickly can make you feel embarrassed and frustrated. But here's the thing, tantrums are normal and your child is simply learning how to navigate their intense feelings. We all go through it. In these moments, it's important to stay calm, even when you feel like the star of an unwanted reality show. I know it's tough, but dig deep and remember, your calm is the secret sauce. Acknowledge your child's feelings. I can see you're upset right now because we can't get the toy. I understand. That simple validation Helps your toddler feel heard, but it doesn't mean you have to give in. Holding firm boundaries with kindness is key. You can calmly say, "We aren't buying the candy bar today. I know it's frustrating when you don't get what you want. I totally get it." The goal isn't to make the tantrums disappear, but to guide your child through it, showing them that all feelings are okay. Showing them that you can handle their big feelings. Sometimes when a child gets stuck in their big feelings, I like to grant his or her wish using their imagination. So I'd say something like, "Wouldn't it be amazing if I could stretch my arm back to that store and get you something special? What would you choose?" This turns a tantrum into a playful moment. Let's look at another scenario, the "I want to do it myself" tantrum. Your toddler insists on putting on her shoes by herself, and she's trying really hard, but it's getting frustrating, leading to tears, and she's even throwing her shoes now. This is the perfect moment to validate her feelings while setting clear boundaries around her behavior. You might say, "You've worked really hard to put your shoes on by yourself, I know it's frustrating when something just doesn't go the way you want it to. Then you set the limit. It's okay to feel angry, it really is, but sweetheart, it's not okay to throw your shoes. How about we take a break and you try to put them on yourself again in a few minutes? Now, it doesn't end there. That's not it. That's just in the moment how you handle things. But the next step is to equip your child with tools to better manage that frustration in the future. Remember, discipline isn't about punishment, it's about teaching. But don't do this in the heat of the moment. The logic center in your child's brain is offline at that moment. Wait until your child is calm, maybe even the next day. And in this scenario, I'd focus on two things. Number one, practicing shoe tying, and two, Introducing a calming strategy like deep breathing. For younger kids, I love using a method called magic breathing. You're gonna teach them to smell the flower, and this is a method I call smell the flower method. And you ask them to imagine smelling a flower by breathing in deeply through their nose and slowly exhaling through their mouth. Try to get them to exhale slowly and for a long time, as long as they can do it. You can also create a little special signal to remind your child to take deep breaths when frustration is building up. With my kids, I'd tap my nose as a cue, letting them know they're getting worked up and it's time to take some deep breaths, and it worked really well. Just like it's easier to put out a small fire than a large one, Deep breathing is most effective when your child is just beginning to get upset rather than in the middle of a full-blown tantrum. Let's move on to the mystery tantrum. Out of the blue, your toddler starts crying and screaming, and you have no idea why. Nothing obvious seems to have triggered that tantrum, and it leaves you confused and unsure what went wrong and what to say. In the early stages of a tantrum, it's best just to stay quiet and focus on sharing your calm. Think of tantrums like a wave. They often start off with anger as a predominant feeling, and then they transition into whining and sadness. So let that anger phase fizzle out before stepping in to provide comfort. Since your child's emotional side is running the show during a tantrum, You can help shorten and soften a tantrum by staying calm yourself. By sharing your calm energy, you create a safe space for them to move through their feelings. Let's take a look at another common tantrum, the "I don't want to leave the park" tantrum. Your toddler's having a blast at the park, but it's time to go. And when you tell him it's time to leave, what does he do? He runs away from you screaming. Well, acknowledging his feelings to help him feel seen is a good place to begin. "You're upset because it's time to leave the park. I know you're having so much fun." Then offer a clear plan. "Why don't you choose one last thing to do and then we'll head home for lunch?" Notice how I mention what's coming next. If leaving places is often a challenge, you can prepare your child in advance. Before going to the park, you'd say, when it's time to leave, I'm going to tell you time to go, and then you can choose one last thing to do. Then we'll head home for lunch. This way, the transition becomes more predictable and easier to manage. Let's look at the popular bedtime resistance tantrum. It's bedtime, but your toddler is doing everything she can to avoid it. She's asking for more stories, wanting water, or saying she needs to go pee-pee. When you say it's time for bed, the crying and whining begins, screaming in fact, insisting she wants to stay up. At bedtime, separation can feel overwhelming for toddlers. It's not that they're trying to drive you crazy. It's that the night seems like a long stretch to be alone, and that can seem like forever. Helping your child feel seen, can make saying goodnight much easier. You're sad it's time to say goodnight. I get it, sweetheart. You'll miss me and I'll miss you. Then redirect with something to look forward to, like, let's pick a book to read in the morning. Now there's other strategies to help your child not feel alone, like putting some family pictures up next to the bedside, putting pictures of you up on the wall, even giving your child one of your shirts to put around their stuffed animal. Remember, tantrums are a natural part of toddlerhood, but that doesn't make them any easier to handle, especially in the heat of the moment. These scripts aren't about instantly ending tantrums. They're about guiding your child through these intense moments with calm and confidence, showing them that while their emotions are big, They're never too big for you to handle. So take a deep breath, trust yourself, and know that you're laying out the foundation for emotional resilience and strong communication skills that will benefit your child for years to come. Now, if you're struggling with tantrums, my new Tantrums Are Just a Toddler Acting Their Age mini-class is here to help. This is a mini class designed for parents of kids age 1 to 6, and it introduces my signature CALM method for handling tantrums. It's a simple, effective approach to managing tantrums without losing your cool. It's incredibly affordable, and it will show you how to turn tantrum chaos into tender moments. It's bite-sized, there's no fluff, and I just get straight to the point like in this podcast. You'll find the link below in the show notes if you'd like to learn more about it. Have a lovely week and keep up the good work.